14 year old actively trying to get pregnant

[Snowpatrolling]

Hoping someone can give me some advice.
Sorry if it’s in the wrong place.

Has anyone had a 14 year old get pregnant?

My daughter behaviour has deteriorated since she met a boy 3 weeks ago.

To the point we now have social services involvement as she told the school I hit her on a regular basis (I don’t)

Had the police out every day last week as she was running away.

She is now actively trying to get pregnant.
Refusing to take the pill or morning after pill.

Does anyone know what happens if she gets pregnant? Can she move somewhere like a mother and baby unit?

Can she claim money?

I’m at my wits end and my mental health is really suffering.

I’ve tried talking to her about how hard it would be and that she should get her educations first, school have tried talking to her. She’s not listening.

Apparently this boys parents are actively encouraging it.

Social services or the police won’t help me. I can’t lock her up in the house as she shoves me and I have my 10 year old here.

I’m so lost and scared. Can anyone help?

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe

Im impressed with the naivety of some posters who don't realise how useless SS and police can be in these situations.

My friend has been through literal hell trying to keep her dd safe and so far she's had ss giving advice which includes don't stop her doing what she wants to do, don't try and stop her. But no actual support, she's been arrested because her dd was injured when she stopped her climbing out of her second floor window (( her dd scraped her back on the frame)) after weeks of hell in which she wasnt allowed in the home the charges were finally dropped.

This was two weeks ago, no contact from ss since.. She's dealing with an abusive child who's determined to score drugs, alcohol and have sex and the overall attitude seems to be let her go. After the last few weeks she now feels she cant physically intervene, she's punched glass out of windows trying to escape and has kicked through a plasterboard wall to get to her sister who'd locked herself in a room to get away from her.

Police don't come out to every runaway, there's too many of them. There wouldn't be time for actual policing......system here is to alert the taxi drivers amd police will eventually make an appearance. But going on wild goose chases and providing real support for these repeat offender kids.? No.

And yes this did start when she befriended a girl whose mother quite frankly shouldn't have been allowed to breed. She bought her 13 year old a bottle of vodka for her birthday ffs. People really have no idea how others can live and how they can infest perfectly decent families and wreak havoc.

I know.

Probably the same people that say ‘social services only remove children who are at risk of death’

Having had a difficult child, he used drugs, experienced alcohol poisoning twice, refused school, caused chaos if they did get him in, and ran away when I wouldn’t let him do exactly what he wanted I can say with some certainty that the police and SS pick their battles.

I rang SS to try and have this child put into a foster placement. He’d threatened to stab his little sisters in their sleep and they were terrified. That was a line I had to draw. I was told as far as SS were concerned he was ‘from a loving and supportive family and they would not get involved’. The police made a report to them and the same response.

10 years down the line he’s nicer, but suffering from severe mental health issues meaning I now have custody of his 2 daughters. They’re gorgeous and I adore them but this was not how I planned my life. Social got involved there quick enough.

Do I think it was my parenting? No. I raised 6 kids. The others do not have the same issues. Early something is broken in my beautiful boy, and I was never able to fix it.

@Rachie1973 that's so heartbreaking for you. I'm so sorry for you and your family

[quote CandyLeBonBon]@Rachie1973 that's so heartbreaking for you. I'm so sorry for you and your family [/quote]
Ty Candy.

He’s married to the mother of his little girls. She suffers terribly from Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. She’s had a really hard life and is starting to work really hard at stabilising herself.

They are actively involved with their kids, we like to say we’re ‘co-parenting’ with them, but we do have have overriding PR.

It’s working at the moment. The children know they are well loved and are happy living here with Nanny and Grandad.

At 14 they’d expect her parents (you) to help out or a foster parent. What a nightmare

Okay, look. I don't know what's gone wrong for your child to disengage from you like this, all you can do at this point is authoritarian damage control.
She’s 14. She's not of age to make her own decisions. 100% lock her in her room. No phone. And let her throw tantrums and go nuts for a bit until she’s drained enough to have a one-to-one with you.
I’d take her out of school and treat her like a drug addict because that’s what she is, and this boy’s family are using her for benefit money. Yes there is money in a child, quite a bit in fact and I would bet you his mum intends on pocketing it all.

There's some really ridiculous advice on this thread. Lock her up? Show her childbirth videos? Have any of you HAD troubled teens??

OP, when she comes home, how do you react? Do you accuse her of all sorts? Are you angry? Do you try to force her to talk? Unfortunately this will just push her away.

The truth is, she probably IS drinking, she probably IS on drugs, and she may well get pregnant. What you can do is offer a really calm, quiet, loving, supportive ear, with no judgment- offer to really help her with whatever she is dealing with, if she wants you to. Tell her you'll be there for her no matter what. But tell her she cannot abuse you, no matter what.
Good luck OP- It's so hard

@iammarleysmummy

Okay, look. I don't know what's gone wrong for your child to disengage from you like this, all you can do at this point is authoritarian damage control. She’s 14. She's not of age to make her own decisions. 100% lock her in her room. No phone. And let her throw tantrums and go nuts for a bit until she’s drained enough to have a one-to-one with you. I’d take her out of school and treat her like a drug addict because that’s what she is, and this boy’s family are using her for benefit money. Yes there is money in a child, quite a bit in fact and I would bet you his mum intends on pocketing it all.

And the op will get in the shit for it. Your not allowed to hold a person hostage even your own child.

Good luck getting the phone too, you grab her it’s assault and technically if the phone was given to her as a gift it’s not the parents to take away. If she’s involved in running away and maybe drugs etc she will have a back up phone and sim anyway and oh boy if she is in with drugs abs her bf’s parents are a type you will sure as hell find a whole load of trouble at your door if she gets a message to them that your locking her in her room.

That’s if she doesn’t just call her social worker or the police. She knows the rules she know how far she can push without legal issues, knowing her mother cannot do anything without being the person in the wrong.

Two suggestions:

Do you have a friend with a baby (preferably a colicky one) that you could babysit for the night?

Do you know any 'cool' 17/18/19 year old girls who have a sensible head on their shoulders who could 'befriend' and talk to her?

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

There's some really ridiculous advice on this thread. Lock her up? Show her childbirth videos? Have any of you HAD troubled teens??

OP, when she comes home, how do you react? Do you accuse her of all sorts? Are you angry? Do you try to force her to talk? Unfortunately this will just push her away.

The truth is, she probably IS drinking, she probably IS on drugs, and she may well get pregnant. What you can do is offer a really calm, quiet, loving, supportive ear, with no judgment- offer to really help her with whatever she is dealing with, if she wants you to. Tell her you'll be there for her no matter what. But tell her she cannot abuse you, no matter what.
Good luck OP- It's so hard

Just to add a bit more to this- I'm guessing you've become so stressed and desperate about all of this that when she sees you, you're either angry, or upset/ crying/begging/pleading with her. And her absent father appears to be either useless or uncaring. See, none of these stances or actually helping your daughters and she may have lost all respect for both of you. Could you manage to pull back from this to a calm, caring, knowledgeable mum, that she can come to for comfort and advice? It may take time, but it might make all the difference. You need to be a rock, there in the background for her when she needs you.

What if you disengage completely OP? No looking at her or after her, no talking to her, no interaction whatsoever. Just shrugging your shoulders whenever she says something. Give her a bit of her own medicine.

Hi,
I’ve just come back from sorting nan out, just read through everything.

I’ll try and answer what I remember.

No I have no family support, my friend who lives down south has offered to have her for a weekend so I can sleep. The battle is going to be getting her into the car down there.

It was my daughter that said the bf mum is encouraging her to get pregnant. It didn’t ring true til I spoke to a lady who knows the family, and she believed every word of what my dd said. They also have ss involvement and I’ve been warned to keep a distance from the parents as they are not nice. School have also told me not to find them.

The social worker hasn’t given me a plan of action, I’ve rung and left a message for her. I need to know what support they are putting in place for dd. If no joy, I will start ringing some helplines that have been suggested on here.

When she comes in, I ask her if she’s alright. I’ve stopped shouting at her pleading and begging with her, I’m trying to keep a calm household for my younger dd.

I’ve told her she can talk to me but she chooses not to, the Safegarding lead at school is middle man at the moment, she’s also at a loss.

Social services told me and her she has to have a phone, incase she feels threatened by me and needs to call for help.
I took her phone away and gave her a little black one with pay as you go sim, but she used £10 credit in 20 mins. I couldn’t afford the keep topping it up. Social worker said it was best she had her phone back.

I feel like I have no authority in my own home.
I’ve never felt so alone.

She went to a friends last night and I was warned by social service not to go there and get her as it would antagonise the situation.

Today she is in school, although she walked out this morning and me and another teacher managed to coax her back in via phone.

This afternoon she faced exclusion for an unrelated thing but the Safegarding lead has managed to convince the head to let her stay in school.
She wanted the exclusion so she could come home and sleep, me and SGL came to the conclusion she shouldn’t get what she wants.
She’s been such a good support but is also at a loss on why things arnt moving quickly enough.

Thankyou to everyone who has shared their stories. I’m so sorry other people have gone through this. It is heartbreaking. And lonely, but is a comfort to know people understand.

Time to make some phone calls and get the ball rolling.

What is she angry at you about specifically?

You officially can't lock a child in your house, friends had the police called out by their 14yr old daughter who claimed she was a prisoner (wanted to meet a 19yr old 'boyfriend'). Warned by police they could be arrested for imprisonment.
For mums and babies there is Foster care (mum and baby placement) where they are supported and taught how to care for their baby. Assessments / records would be made to make decisions on what would happen next.
If all this has happened in 3 weeks I'd be very surprised that police are not actively following this up. If she was known to the police before for being a 'runner' they may not be as active immediately. (I'm a Foster carer with a runner).
Her age makes her a vulnerable child and i would be pushing for more involvement from ss and any first step supports.

Parents have very little in way of support now, it all seems to revolve around the " abuser".
My friend is in an awful situation where her daughter assaults and bullies her, smashes thing in the house, shouts and screams obscenities, the police were useless and actually charged my friend with common assault.
Things can change very quickly regarding young teenagers.
I feel very sorry for you OP.
All l can advise is pay very little attention to her, the situation. Hard as it is it she is out of control, don't let her take you down with her. Focus on your other daughter and yourself. Sooner or later her behaviour will calm down, it's just a matter of getting through it until then.

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

What is she angry at you about specifically?

Probably that I even exist!! She doesn’t like boundaries or rules. She seems to think Cos this boy can do what he wants then so can she. And she knows fine well there’s nothing I can do to stop her.

Someone mentioned locking her in her room. I can’t do that as she shares a room with her 10 yo sister. I can’t risk her getting harmed or getting her stuff damaged.

@Moonface123

Parents have very little in way of support now, it all seems to revolve around the " abuser". My friend is in an awful situation where her daughter assaults and bullies her, smashes thing in the house, shouts and screams obscenities, the police were useless and actually charged my friend with common assault. Things can change very quickly regarding young teenagers. I feel very sorry for you OP. All l can advise is pay very little attention to her, the situation. Hard as it is it she is out of control, don't let her take you down with her. Focus on your other daughter and yourself. Sooner or later her behaviour will calm down, it's just a matter of getting through it until then.

I’m hoping that by me not seeming like I care she’ll realise actually she is from a loving home. This has made me ill and to be honest I’ve no fight left. Waiting on social worker to ring me back with a plan of action. I said she needs help now not next month. I’ve asked she’s put foward for counselling and also asked that she’s assessed by a medical professional ASAP. Drs seem focused on giving me the morning after pill but no other support for her.

I don’t want to add any worry, but this is like you are talking about me at that age. I had just been a victim of grooming by an adult that should have known better. 20 years later I’m going through the courts now and had to tell my family. None of them thought it at the time and were surprised, they just thought I met the wrong crowd and was a nightmare teen.

Please do not turn your back on her. She may need you more than you know xx

I'm so sorry you're going through this. If she is acting really foul to you then all you can do is keep reiterating that you love her and want to help her, but you won't and can't tolerate abuse. It's not right that there's so little help available in these situations, no wonder you're at the end of your tether.

I'm so sorry OP! This sounds awful! I've not been through anything like this myself, but I went to school with a girl that sounds very similar to your DD, her parents were at their wits end too and eventually decided to ignore her, quite literally, wouldn't respond to her tantrums, and distanced themselves as much as possible and eventually she came round, turned out she just wanted the attention and when she wasn't getting it anymore she had no reason to carry on that way!
I hope things improve for you soon OP.

I would say, if she's going to do this regardless, then take care of yourself and your younger DD as a priority, obviously try your best for the elder but your younger daughter needs you too.

@Mommabear20

I'm so sorry OP! This sounds awful! I've not been through anything like this myself, but I went to school with a girl that sounds very similar to your DD, her parents were at their wits end too and eventually decided to ignore her, quite literally, wouldn't respond to her tantrums, and distanced themselves as much as possible and eventually she came round, turned out she just wanted the attention and when she wasn't getting it anymore she had no reason to carry on that way! I hope things improve for you soon OP.

I would say, if she's going to do this regardless, then take care of yourself and your younger DD as a priority, obviously try your best for the elder but your younger daughter needs you too.

Me and her best friends mum have said it’s like she loves the drama. So I’m now at the point I won’t be her audience. As someone else has said if she becomes mouthy I will tell her I will not tolerate abuse. If she runs I’ll keep reporting it. She keeps turning everything back round on me. The manipulation is major. She’s being nasty to my 10 year old, so I will fight for help for her but my priority is my other dd and myself. Unfortunately I think she’s going to have to learn some very hard lessons. She’s just come in now, totally ignored me even tho I asked her if she was ok. I’m not playing her games today. I’m so tired.

In a twist to the story, the bud has confirmed to the school that his mum knows they are having unprotected sex, and that she fully supports a baby and said she can move in with them. So like someone else said I think they are after the money. I think it’s absolutely disgusting to be honest. Just waiting on some advice on what I do with this information.

To the troll hunters I was reported missing nearly daily by my mother and then by foster parents/ care home same as every other kid in the care home and we hardly ever saw the police that was 12 years ago I asked a social worker friend the other day if it is still the same she said yes unfortunately.

@HemanOrSheRa

Snowpatrolling You need to ring the Police and Social Services EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every single morning, afternoon and evening. I'd be thinking about gang/county lines involvement with the lad and your daughter if I were you. You need to try and be calm and use the right words to trigger action.

OP I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

I went through a difficult time with ds2 after I left his abusive father, and that quickly escalated into self harm, threats of suicide and violence towards me. And also my house!

I called the police, SS and school. I have to say I had the most help from his class tutor. This was 15 years ago so the situation has probably changed, but some days if I couldn't get him into school then she'd come and pick him up. It was later in the morning, but I'm sure you can appreciate just how much that help meant to me.

I think firstly that you need to get yourself signed off sick. If you don't get sick pay then that will let you at least access increased benefits.

I don't have any advice for dealing with the police and SS - except for persistence - but I saw that you mentioned counselling. I got some fabulous counselling for ds from our local crisis centre. Again, I don't know if this is something that they still do but it's definitely worth a phone call. Or is it possible that you or dd's father can pay for private counselling? I know it's expensive....

I feel for you OP Unfortunately my brother was a nightmare growing up and would run away often. He would disappear in the night and stay out until anytime of the night.
This started from 13 years old when he started to mix with the wrong crowd (drugs).
It went on for years and my parents desperately tried to get help from the Police, SS, GP and the school. No one would help and I watched my parents go through years of stress. The more they tried to help him the worse he became! He would smash up the family home and attack my parents- still the Police and SS would do nothing.
In the end they stopped trying to help him and enough was enough. The Police advised that he should not come back to our home and he found somewhere else to live at 15. (He's now 19, still not perfect but he has a job and has grown up massively)

Please do not go through the years of stress my parents did it was awful to watch. You have tried your best and thats all you can do❤️ Unfortunately the Police and SS were useless for us. I hope she can get some help and I'm sure she will work it all out in the end.

OP I believe you, having gone through similar with my DS for 5 years until recently, when he seems to have matured.

CAMHS, social services, police, school. The lot.

I found I had to work so hard to get people to take me seriously and find the people in those services who were willing to fight my corner. His Dad just blamed me and minimised everything, a message he was delivering to DS as well. It's exhausting. And I had to explain everything over and over again as the services don't really communicate too well with each other and not at all if a social worker moves on and you get another.

I know you work so don't have time for parenting courses but I'm doing one on zoom at the moment (home working so can actually do it) it's called NVR and I've found it useful but I really needed it 2 years ago. There are other parents on there, for support. Look it up, social services should be able to get you a place on it if you can do it.

I know you have the extra time pressure of a possible pregnancy, I can understand why you're so worried

I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this OP.

Can you welcome the BF into your home? Perhaps if he’s feeling unloved and uncared for in his house you can offer him some
Love and attention. At least if they are at your house you know where they are.

I know things are tight, but can he sleep on your sofa. I’m just trying to think about it in a different way. Perhaps if he feels safe in your home she will follow suit and they won’t want to jeopardise that