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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand how children bring anyone joy?

239 replies

Bluerainbow86 · 26/09/2021 10:26

I know, I know, no other love like it. But that’s not especially positive is it? Because it just leads to worry and stress.
One of my children has additional needs, which likely doesn’t help, but how does anyone ever enjoy anything with their children?
The only way I can see it is possible is if you have one child, NT, hands on partner, plenty of cash.

No other situation seems to lend itself to anything particularly positive.

OP posts:
Suitcaseseverywhere · 26/09/2021 10:27

Oh I’m sorry you’re finding things so tough.

Phineyj · 26/09/2021 10:28

You're not wrong but maybe going into it expecting joy is the issue?

InvincibleInvisibility · 26/09/2021 10:29

I have one with DN and one being tested. A lot of stress, frustration and hard work.

But also we have a lot of fun together. Cycĺing, swimming, walking, baking, reading, playing games...

TheGrumpyGoat · 26/09/2021 10:30

Well… I have 3, the youngest of which has suspected additional needs (he’s 2). I have a hands on husband but we don’t have plenty of cash. I get a lot of joy from them, they’re funny and interesting and lovely.
Sometimes it’s an absolute slog, of course, and I’m usually exhausted. But in the main, I enjoy the time I spend with them. They’re good company.

Autumngoldleaf · 26/09/2021 10:30

Op I agree, dd 1 very nt so easy and good!! Over all...

Dd 2 has put us through our paces and nearly everything tailored to her needs. It's exhausting and worrying and she's given me anxiety as has unpredictable behavior. Drained joy out of many holidays... Etc.

Lots and lots of fun and positives too and her needs are not severe by any stretch but yes.. Huge amounts of worry.

Clarkey86 · 26/09/2021 10:31

Children are tough and of course there are joyless times but there are absolutely moments of joy. Seeing the pleasure they get from simple things, the comical things they say, the pure love they show to you.

TreaslakeandBack · 26/09/2021 10:32

I was going to say DS brings us so much joy but he’s NT, an only one, I have a brilliant DH and no money worries. Maybe you are right? My friends with more than one seem to enjoy their children too though.

GettingUntrapped · 26/09/2021 10:32

I think a lot of people are unaware that the hormonal rush of love which brings joy last two to three years max. Then it can be more of a grind as children are naturally demanding and selfish for the most part.
Then there is the responsibility, the worry, the expense, the prison-like conditions and the ever present societal judgement.
It's very hard indeed.

DysmalRadius · 26/09/2021 10:32

I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this. I often find it's the little, unexpected things that bring joy in amongst the grunt work, but sometimes you have to really look hard!

inmyslippers · 26/09/2021 10:33

My son brings me joy every day but also stresses me out in equal measure. I'm a firm believer you have kids to make them happy, not yourself

Ponoka7 · 26/09/2021 10:33

My children and grandchildren bring me joy. So do the children I babysit. Two of my children has additional needs, my two grandchildren do and so do some of the children who I babysit. It depends on how you define joy, what personally you value and take joy in etc. It's like the campers vs everyone else. Or beach Vs city holidaymakers.

Comedycook · 26/09/2021 10:33

There are brief moments of joy in amongst the drudgery and tedium

Theworldishard · 26/09/2021 10:33

@Phineyj

You're not wrong but maybe going into it expecting joy is the issue?
Having a baby is portrayed to be this magical, exciting new chapter. The media, other people, society...so women are lured in by this happy family fantasy.

The reality is very different.

Original poster
Bluerainbow86 · 26/09/2021 10:34

When I had just dc1 - even though they are the child with additional needs - it wasn’t so bad because I could accommodate them. However their needs became more obvious as they got older and after the birth of dc2 and now I could cheerfully run away and not come back most days.
It is just so relentless. I try and do the nice things with them but it always ends badly. Dc1 complains constantly and is rude. He told me yesterday that my face is ‘ugly, old and disgusting.’
I’m just a bit over it all really.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 26/09/2021 10:35

Both of mine have additional needs, they bring an abundance of joy even through the hard times.
They've taught me I'm tougher than I ever imagined, there has been many hard times but overall they're my everything.
I've thought differently too like a low worthless parent who can't cope it passed things are always changing.

SummerHouse · 26/09/2021 10:36

It takes a village. Do you have friends / family to spend time with. The very best things we do are free, e.g. meeting cousins at a park. It somehow takes all the pressure away. That said, additional needs can make lots of things far harder. I try to do more of what we do like. We love repetition and routine.

I would also say that thinking of three things I am grateful for every night before I go to sleep really helped me in a very tough period.

Original poster
Bluerainbow86 · 26/09/2021 10:37

Oh and he’s rude and negative to me and to his sibling basically all the time. If I try and introduce any consequences he doesn’t care. And I’m doing it all the time then because pretty much everything he says is negative and unkind.
Absolutely delightful to strangers and other adults. But ADHD and ASD and a potential mix of some other things we are currently looking at.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 26/09/2021 10:38

Mine are 12 and 6, the 6 yo boy has a nasty steak too, I ignore him when he is in mean mood he can be a right hurtful dick. Flowers

HerrenaHarridan · 26/09/2021 10:38

I stopped at one despite my body’s desire so I would have the energy to invest in her and still something left over for me.

No partner and sod all money but I made choices that make me happy and invest in myself.

Yes it can be an utter slog at times especially as my daughter has additional needs but because I only have her to cater for I have still managed to save hard and take her travelling and afford some days out etc

She is sweet, kind, caring and she brings me joy every day… even the hardest ones

Sounds like you could do with some more support, if you’re really finding no joy in your children (as opposed to having a bad day) then I think you’re probably need to see a gp.

So you have a sure start centre near you? They were so helpful when I was alone with a tiny baby

HalzTangz · 26/09/2021 10:39

Doesn't your child bring you joy when they smile at you, give you a kiss or cuddle
Don't they bring you joy when they say or do something funny.
Don't they bring you joy when they complete task or challenge, or draw a great picture
Don't they bring you joy when they show politeness and manners to others

Titsywoo · 26/09/2021 10:40

Neither of my kids are NT but that doesn't mean they don't bring me huge amounts of joy and I find it pretty offensive that anyone would think otherwise! Sure there are hard times but there could be with NT kids too. Mine are both teens now and we have a great time together. They are both funny, kind and talented and make my life a better place every single day.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/09/2021 10:40

To add its very hard on siblings DD age 12 has extra needs but she is loving .
Have a read up on DMDD a parenting course for sensory issues really helped me deal with him better.

Original poster
Bluerainbow86 · 26/09/2021 10:41

Not really. I just want them to go away and leave me alone. Especially dc1 who is horrible a lot of the time.
It’s being forced to spend a lot of time with someone I don’t like. He has no friends so he’s with me ALL THE TIME.
Dc2 is NT and the difference is amazing, but the experiences with them are constantly spoiled by their sibling.
Dc1 has sensory issues, going for a meal is a minefield, he can’t even tolerate the smell of a lot of foods and will be sick.
God, it’s just such hard work. I cannot wait for them to leave home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluerainbow86 · 26/09/2021 10:45

I guess covid has made it worse because we’ve been trapped in the house for long periods of time.
Dc1 is better if out places. Bored very very easily.

OP posts:
Titsywoo · 26/09/2021 10:49

How old is your DC1? My son was similar until he started secondary school. Especially the bored part which was very wearing!