To not understand how children bring anyone joy?

[Bluerainbow86]

I know, I know, no other love like it. But that’s not especially positive is it? Because it just leads to worry and stress.
One of my children has additional needs, which likely doesn’t help, but how does anyone ever enjoy anything with their children?
The only way I can see it is possible is if you have one child, NT, hands on partner, plenty of cash.

No other situation seems to lend itself to anything particularly positive.

One dd with ASD, single and no money but she brings me untold joy in between the tough times !

I don't find being a mum easy, get where you are coming from with the worry bit but I do find joy in them.
I thibk part of that is a decision, I choose to enjoy some of their silliness and watching them grow and change and the funny things they say.
My eldest has ASD, things are very rocky with my husband and we are always overdrawn! But it doesn't take away the joy for me.
I do make time for myself though and I think of I didn't do that it would be a slog.
I have family who constantly moan about having kids and it makes me quite sad for them. They didn't choose to be born. I thibk every child deserves to be cherished and have joy found in caring for them.

There’s not much support for dc1 because he’s not ‘bad enough’ in any other setting. I suspect if school saw the way he talks to me they would be shocked.

If he can behave at school then is it really AN meaning he can't behave at home? Is this additional needs or just him being a little shit to you!?

Have you tried having a calm conversation with him very separate from any incident/argument, about what he finds difficult about being at home?

Maybe he's an introvert and needs a lot more time being left to do his own thing at home.

When they put their little arms around you and give you the sweetest smile or a kiss.
Or tell you they love you.
Without you initiating it.

You cannot compare that to any other feeling in the world.

If you can film him at home (safely and without causing more distress obviously) then you can show that to the SENco and other professionals which may help them to be able to help

I think the child's age/stage/personality has alot to do with it. I didn't find any joy in the relentless baby stage, once the initial euphoria wore off, and then the next year just seemed like a hard slog with very little in return. Now both are primary age, extremely easy going kids, with similar interests to myself, I get endless enjoyment out of parenting them. BUT... I see they are an exception to the norm. Most my friends with kids seem constantly frustrated and fed up, and other kids on the whole do seem much harder work than mine. I'll probably take it all back when I have two teenage girls, but right now I do get alot of satisfaction and joy out of being a mum.

Everyone suggesting snuggling and watching films with their dc brings them joy. DD won't do that. It ends up with someone being kicked in the head or hit and the film ruined. There are no simple pleasures to be had with a challenging, impulsive child. Baking, things are thrown and I'm picking up the mess. Walks, if I can get her out it's nice if she doesn't try and jump in the road. And CAMHS can't help.

I'm sorry you're finding things hard.

I genuinely do enjoy my children and enjoy doing things with them, but I certainly had to learn a different form of enjoyment. If I went out with just my husband and he wanted everything we saw, whinged about when we were getting to the park, ate half a dinner I bought him and clamoured about pudding.... I'd not enjoy it one jot. But my children are learning and it's a joy to me that I'm helping them to develop patience and tolerance and giving them a childhood full of enjoyment, even if there are days where I am not full of joy myself, they always have something joyful going on.

I'm not sure about my youngest child but my oldest two are not NT and one has a physical disability that fluctuates.

I think you have to make room for a different type of enjoyment and excitement because what delights children doesn't tend to delight adults. It's hard going and I know it is.

@LadyMaid my child is non verbal so can’t tell me he loves me. Still brings me so much joy and I agree that when they give you a hug and a kiss there is nothing else like it.

It is really hard. I have a NT teenager, and a 10yo ds with SEN. I have a disability myself. It definitely sounds like you need to seek out real support and help.

My dc go to things like young carers and youth clubs, cubs etc...

They go to their dad's EOW, which really helps me to recharge and breaks up the relentlessness.

Take care, and find some real help and support op. What area are you in? Maybe someone can help to point you in the right direction

My sisters kids are a joy but it was bloody hard work making them so. It does not happen automatically.
There are plenty of kids out there that are vile due to parental neglect and tv and screen parenting, I can think of a few friends who are ex friends because their children are vile for that reason.

My son is autistic and non verbal. There are tough days. But when I hear him laughing so joyfully at simple things, or cupping my face and looking at me it is beautiful. He is so filled with love and joy. I fee that every single day.

How could I not find joy in that little person who holds up their arms and beams at me with absolute love, trust, happiness . Whose face lights up when I arrive at the nursery/school gate or my gtrandchildrens home. Whose antics and chatter, ideas and expressions make you cry with laughter. Whose fresh wonder and curiosity at the world lights up the day. That moment when you tuck a freshly bathed, cuddled, kissed and sleepy little person into bed.When you see them out and about in the world with friends and strangers, being kind, supportive, funny, determined, independent , brave and think " There is a new, good person in the world and I made them ".

  Of course there was lots of  tiredness and lost temper and mess  and some really scary bits along the way,  but  they are vastly exceeded by the sheer joy and love.

So, DS1 is able to be relatively 'normal' with everyone else but you get all his anger and bad behaviour. That is really hard.

Do you get any support with him? What have you tried?

My son has just started down the diagnosis road for adhd and GP was helpful in setting up counselling for him, but I know that provision of services is really patchy around the country.

@Comedycook

There are brief moments of joy in amongst the drudgery and tedium

I can cope with the drudgery and tedium, I can enjoy the brief moments of joy. I can't cope with worrying about them, their partners, their children. It was bad enough when I had 4 kids to worry about but when you add in their partners and 6 GC I find 14 to worry about is stressing me out.

I know people with two or three children who find parenthood extremely rewarding. We cannot generalise about such things, everyone is different.

My one child is neuro-typical (almost), and has been a great joy, still is, as an adult, but we didn't have much money when he was a child. Cash flow was definitely more of worrying than bringing up a child, frankly. That passed eventually.

It must be very difficult for parents who have SEN, chronically sick or disabled children, nevertheless I've seen plenty who love their child so much. In cases like that of course it helps to have money and you have to know your way around the system to access the right help.

Op if he verbally abuses and bullies you is this really adhd related. I assume he has no trips or treats and no electronics and no pocket money or lifts until he apologises to you. I think you need to get much tougher on him. How will he survive in the real world with real world consequences. You are a person not a slave. He is 13 if I were you I would start pulling rank and pushing back on the awful behaviour. He knows how to behave if he can do it with everyone except you. What does his dad say?

DS (16) has ASD and ADHD. We only have him mostly because I started late and had an earlyish menopause at 41

In retrospect this has meant we have had moments if joy. I am pretty certain if we had other children that we would have been unable to accommodate DS to the level we do now and home life would be far far worse and more stressful for everyone. I doubt DS would have the GCSEs he has managed to achieve with a massive very very time consuming amount of support.

So yes op , I agree that children on.the whole don't bring much joy unless you are lucky to have enough resources and naturally motivated , mostly easy going children with no additional problems or needs

I don't think everyone is cut out to be a parent of multiples even if they are all NT, myself included, that's why we stopped at one. No use to the OP as that horse has bolted, but maybe those reading will have a re-think if they are struggling with one.

You need help OP, 13 is a notoriously tricky age anyway but you're being bullied by your child. I second the idea of secretly filming him (nanny cam) and then using it as evidence with SENCO to get help.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My sisters kids are a joy but it was bloody hard work making them so. It does not happen automatically. There are plenty of kids out there that are vile due to parental neglect and tv and screen parenting, I can think of a few friends who are ex friends because their children are vile for that reason.

As a teacher I can't tell you how many children/adults from a bad start I have seen change. After a lot of damn hard work, stress tears and nightmares (mine, mostly) that moment when mutual understanding broke through. The connection to the world when a difficult child/adult finds himself come good and knows it, is quite priceless.

I have seen that over and over , what a privilege and joy.

I really had no idea what the reality of having a child is. I naively thought it would bring me happiness but oh how very wrong i was. I am one and done, that sole thought is the only thing that brings me joy tbh.

Imho children hold up a mirror to ourselves and sometimes what we see is not particularly pretty! They challenge and stretch us. And that's generally a good thing.

I honestly don't think this is necessarily true or helpful when addressed to someone whose child has special needs and a very difficult personality. It is not a good thing to be "challenged" to that degree.

@2bazookas

How could I not find joy in that little person who holds up their arms and beams at me with absolute love, trust, happiness . Whose face lights up when I arrive at the nursery/school gate or my gtrandchildrens home. Whose antics and chatter, ideas and expressions make you cry with laughter. Whose fresh wonder and curiosity at the world lights up the day. That moment when you tuck a freshly bathed, cuddled, kissed and sleepy little person into bed.When you see them out and about in the world with friends and strangers, being kind, supportive, funny, determined, independent , brave and think " There is a new, good person in the world and I made them ".

  Of course there was lots of  tiredness and lost temper and mess  and some really scary bits along the way,  but  they are vastly exceeded by the sheer joy and love.</div></div>

Did you even read the OP’s posts before you commented on your picture perfect life? Her DS1 is abusive.

@Bluerainbow86

It isn’t his additional needs, it’s his behaviour and his age. My son has autism with pda and spd, it’s important that not all bad behaviour is associated with their special needs.
Sit him down, say you’ve had enough of his disrespectful horrible attitude and things are going to change. It will be so difficult to begin with (trust me I’ve been there) but worth it.

I was thinking about this today (feeling extremely tired, terrible sleep due to menopause, so take it with a pinch of salt), I recon it’s like gambling. You might strike lucky and have an amazingly easy bright lovely child, or you might have a very difficult challenging child.
And it’s not all about quality of parenting. I am really happy we had our second child, because he’s great! The first one with ADHD learning difficulties and challenging behaviour has us on our knees.