To not understand how children bring anyone joy?

[Bluerainbow86]

I know, I know, no other love like it. But that’s not especially positive is it? Because it just leads to worry and stress.
One of my children has additional needs, which likely doesn’t help, but how does anyone ever enjoy anything with their children?
The only way I can see it is possible is if you have one child, NT, hands on partner, plenty of cash.

No other situation seems to lend itself to anything particularly positive.

@Bluerainbow86

I know, I know, no other love like it. But that’s not especially positive is it? Because it just leads to worry and stress. One of my children has additional needs, which likely doesn’t help, but how does anyone ever enjoy anything with their children? The only way I can see it is possible is if you have one child, NT, hands on partner, plenty of cash.

No other situation seems to lend itself to anything particularly positive.

Well, my son is NT so I don't have experience with a ND child, but I'm single, no support, minimum wage job 20 hours a week and I do of course have anxieties about his wellbeing, the way of the world, the climate etc but he brings me immense happiness.

I think seeing children grow into people is such a beautiful, funny thing as they sometimes act without understanding in the most innocent of ways.

My son is the only thing I've been proud of in my life.

I count myself lucky, because he's a difficult toddler sometimes but aren't they all!

I think it must be difficult having kids with additional needs and I understand it can bring on more worry. About support available to them and such.

But I do think kids can bring people happiness.

My son has several disabilities. When he was 3 years old and we were realising the impact of these on himself and our family our health visitor asked me, "but do you enjoy him though"?

I realised no, I hadn't been finding any joy in being his mum.

I live every day with the mantra of finding joy in the small things now. I told him to put some clothes on and cover up last night and he put a cape over his butt and wiggled it at me. Hilarious, a small funny moment.

I sometimes feel jealous of families with neurotypical children who seem to find everything so easy. Their days aren't filled with looking for problems before they arise and settling down problems you couldnt avoid.

But I still find joys because I changed my attitude into letting the moments come to me.

Yanbu. The constant stress and worry are overwhelming.
They say you're only as happy as your least happy child, well that child is thinking she might try and injure herself to get out of school. So, yay. She hasn't hit me today though which is a bonus.

being forced to spend a lot of time with someone I don’t like. He has no friends so he’s with me ALL THE TIME.
I hear you, the constant calling if you leave the room, random nasty behaviour during family time, when trying to watch a family movie DS throws cushions, smacks my face, anything to ruin it.
I've a granny face too as per DS.
It is horrible.
I don't have the answers it is hard to stay calm.
Your only option is to hire a sitter weekly for time with DC2.
Lockdown has made it worse.
I wanted to run away many times over the summer, daydreaming the life I had with DD for 6 years before DS was born.
He was born crying, he cries and moans all day for 6 years. 🤣
The sensory course helps you understand the SPD and pity them a bit.
He thrives on positive encouragement but it is impossible to do 24/7.

I get it OP.

My DS is 3.5 and has 'severe' autism (I know people don't like those labels but I write it to emphasise the extent of his needs'

There are days that I feel exactly the same and think that's is no joy in this at all, but overall I manage to find some in amongst the daily drudgery, meltdowns and worry.

I'm sorry you are struggling

I'm a single parent with three kids (3,5&7) and they utterly bring me joy. All of it. Them coming to snuggle in bed in the night. Reading them bedtime stories in funny voices and they join in. Watching them play together. Watching them learn new skills. The little "thanks mum" when I bring them something, or noticing they loaded their own plates into the dishwasher. Almost every minute I spend with them, I feel like I'm grinning so much it hurts. Honestly 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't want aware this wasn't universal. I am, admittedly, a relentlessly optimistic "Pollyanna" type person, so maybe it's easier to see the joy in 'relentless drudgery' and to find the joy in the tiny things.

My youngest (16 year old boy) is a joy, because he is a lovely person, uncomplicated, generous and thoughtful.

My elder two provide moments of joy, but more often the challenges they face worry and distress me (23 year old boy dx with autism and adhd and 17 year old girl dx with autism and depression).

Please see gp
Get some counselling sessions.

But you sound depressed and there is help out there.

I agree.
My dc have SN, they’re older now, but happy rewarding times are few and far between.

I have one son (now a young adult) and for the first half off his life I had severe money worries and was alone as husband left when son was a baby.
I look back on those years and see tough times but filled with so much joy. The second half of his life I had a partner (and they get on fabulously) and no money worries. I look back on those years and see tough times but filled with so much joy.
So the same.
He absolutely brings me joy and I am thankful for lots of things he has taught me as well as brought into my life.
I got so lucky with him.
It is normal to be tested by our children but not to want to run away and not come back. You need some help to change this somehow.

when they get a bit older (7-8) it gets a lot easier and much more "joy" filled. Speaking from perspective of one NT child but am a LP without family or local support so on balance things a bit harder than many couples.

My exp felt like this
3 dc one severe asd ld
It was sign of severe depression and anxiety amongst other things.
Talk to someone a counsellor

I think the key is learning to change your thinking, to have realistic expectations and to realise not to worry what others think but to do what is right for you as a family. (It has took me an awful lot of counselling and medication to get to the point to realise that though)

I think the “social media perfect families” often make us feel inadequate and under pressure to be as good as their social media makes them seem

OP I feel your pain - I spend all day yesterday (Saturday so my ‘day off’) running round after DD with ALN, fetching her friend for the millionth time on a hour round trip, doing nice things with them, Starbucks (£££), meal out etc. Took friend home and she didn’t even look back and say bye, then DD sulked all evening, hit me in the face (by ‘accident’), said I was selfish and stomped off to bed.

This is why I really really love my dog x

Dc2 would bring joy I believe.
It’s hard when dc1 is so vile. He’s just deeply unpleasant. He tells me I’m fat, ugly, stupid, low IQ, past it, useless, thick etc etc. When I speak he often said ‘no one cares, so shut up yeah.’
He’s 13.
He ruins holidays and days out. He’s spiteful. He’s rude about people and nasty most of the time.

@Bluerainbow86

When I had just dc1 - even though they are the child with additional needs - it wasn’t so bad because I could accommodate them. However their needs became more obvious as they got older and after the birth of dc2 and now I could cheerfully run away and not come back most days. It is just so relentless. I try and do the nice things with them but it always ends badly. Dc1 complains constantly and is rude. He told me yesterday that my face is ‘ugly, old and disgusting.’ I’m just a bit over it all really.

I’m sorry it’s so hard, that sounds really tough.

My children bring huge amounts of joy. Some days I want to tear my hair out though. I massively underestimated how hard a toddler and a newborn was.

@Bluerainbow86

Dc2 would bring joy I believe. It’s hard when dc1 is so vile. He’s just deeply unpleasant. He tells me I’m fat, ugly, stupid, low IQ, past it, useless, thick etc etc. When I speak he often said ‘no one cares, so shut up yeah.’ He’s 13. He ruins holidays and days out. He’s spiteful. He’s rude about people and nasty most of the time.

What are the consequences for him being so awful to you?

It sounds to me as if you might be depressed - try and get some help. I can see life for you is very hard at the moment but i think talking to someone may help and maybe anti depressants? Best wishes.

I wanted to post something positive, but then I realised I know fuck all about bringing up a disabled child. It must be really tough

I'm a skint single parent to one DD who was registered disabled for the first few years of her life, she's not any more so I can't really empathise fully but a little bit. I enjoy her company very much, we do fun stuff and like spending time together. It's not expensive stuff and I don't have the support of a partner but shes my favourite person to spend time with. When I was still married to her dad I found myself on edge far more, the partner was the problem in my case rather than the child 😂

I agree OP.

All the "it's sooo hard but sooo rewarding" what reward?

If I had my time over, I wouldn't have kids. I hate being a parent.

Wow, I have 4 children, 2 are now adult, probably 3 are ND, very hands off partner, living on DH's part-time wages topped up with WTC. I enjoy my children. I'm bored when the younger 2 are away.

Because anything remotely rewarding and worthwhile is usually incredibly challenging and hard. But it is ultimately fulfilling.

Imho children hold up a mirror to ourselves and sometimes what we see is not particularly pretty! They challenge and stretch us. And that's generally a good thing.

It's not talked about often in films or the media, but genuine love; the sort where you would catch someone else's vom in your hands, or wipe their bum, or happily walk in front of a tram for your child, that sort of love really is the only thing that matters in life and that is what brings you joy, besides things related to health and money.

So there's your answer op... it's love ...and it's very simple and terribly hard all at the same time.

I have 3 DC, one with AN. I’m sorry you’re finding things tough but it’s certainly not the case for everyone.
My children all make me very happy and my son who has AN is the happiest little boy I’ve ever met. They bring me lots of joy and happiness. Maybe figure out what it is you’re struggling with and address that.

@JoborPlay yeah people with your attitude shouldn’t have children. It’s not fair on the DC.