To not understand how children bring anyone joy?

[Bluerainbow86]

I know, I know, no other love like it. But that’s not especially positive is it? Because it just leads to worry and stress.
One of my children has additional needs, which likely doesn’t help, but how does anyone ever enjoy anything with their children?
The only way I can see it is possible is if you have one child, NT, hands on partner, plenty of cash.

No other situation seems to lend itself to anything particularly positive.

YANBU.
I also know nothing about living with SN child, all I can say is that whenever I see a struggling parent, be it supermarket, restaurant etc., I feel a weird mix of pity, guilt and relief. It seems so harsh that the lottery of life dictates whether parenting is a source of unlimited joy, or an endless grind with no respite in sight. I just don't know how I would have coped with the latter.
My heart goes out to you.

The only way I can see it is possible is if you have one child, NT, hands on partner, plenty of cash.

I have one child who is NT as far as I know at this point. I'm a completely single parent with one low income to support DD and I.

I am happy. It's not all fun and games and certainly there's a heap of stress but I do enjoy DD and being a parent.

I think the key for me is that I am very fortunate and have a fantastic support network so even though I'm a single parent I actually still get plenty of opportunities to do things for me.

I'd encourage you to try and get yourself a break OP. If there's any way you can get away for a few days on your own, then do it.

I'm under no illusions though and when I look ahead to the teenage years I can foresee that it's going to be bloody hard on my own.

I'm not going to list all the ways my DC bring me joy OP as I have zero idea about how hard it is to raise a child with additional needs. It sounds so tough and parenting can be a thankless job.

Marie Kondo says if it doesn't bring you joy then you need to throw it out. Bit difficult with children though.

I think the thing with dc1 is that he makes life very difficult but brings little pleasure because of how he is. It’s not as though he has additional issues but is happy. He’s not happy. He’s unpleasant, and I get the brunt of it.
Any other relationship where someone treated me like this I’d be having no contact.
It’s hard to instigate consequences when it makes no difference.

I find it really hard, 3 young DC all with SEN, I'm not well, in a lot of pain every day, Stbxh does bugger all outside work and low level abusive controlling. Lockdown isn't helping any of us, but I still find joy in doing things with DC.

It is relentless being on 24/7, always paying attention for little signs their struggling. I sometimes I see families out and about (pre lockdown) doing normal things like having lunch or being able to shop with kids without needed to be constantly alert, no devices, no head phones to muffle noise, no bag of fidgets, not pushing a DC who's way to big for it now, but needs to be in the trolley so he can zone out and cope and it sucks that everyday things are such a struggle. And OMFG I'm in so much pain. But there is still joy and love and laughter.

Do other things make you happy? If you're feeling flat all the time you could be burnt out or depressed. The last 2 years have caused a lot of people to struggle with their MH.

It’s about joy in the tiny things. When DS does something that you’d take for granted from an NT child, I think the joy of that unsolicited sloppy kiss, or bout of giggles is more than anything a parent of an NT child will ever know. There are fewer victories than with other children, but they mean infinitely more and being so much more joy.

The only way I can see it is possible is if you have one child, NT, hands on partner, plenty of cash.

Well. I am a single mum and have been for most of my children's lives. One is autistic with high levels of anxiety. Ex absent at least 50% of the time and hardly the most reliable soul. I earn well, but don't spend much so I can save up for a house a few years down the line.

My children do bring endless joy. Yes, we have frustrating days, like last Friday, when the little one was whiny as hell and the teen not much better.

But my teen also spent Fri evening on the sofa, watching Suicide Squad, with me and discussing how hot Harley Quinn is (we're both bi) and oddly laughing at the same bad jokes. My young primary aged child is on the floor next to me, having chosen to complete some work in a Maths book after boops and giggles and now wants to read me a (decent - Dr Seuss) story. He gives the best little hugs and his smile is infectious.

They spark a lot of joy. But I also don't tolerate bullshit from either of them, make sure I have a little me-time on a weekend (and during the week for some exercise of at least 1h/ week) and don't give a fuck if the house is not sparkling or the garden pruned to perfection, as long as it is halfway hygienic and I can walk without tripping over stuff left around..

Ds brings me joy and is hard, probably in equal measure.
He has ARFID so we can't be spontaneous, or go on holiday really. Every day I worry about feeding him.
He can be a vile little shit, but (I think vitally) he can also be tremendously sweet and loving. I genuinely adore him. But I wouldn't choose this again.

I have 3 children

DS1 has a congenital heart condition and asthma.
DD has selective mutism, a severe anxiety disorder.
DS2 is autistic

I'm disabled and a single mum.

I find joy in every single day. I love being a mum and we always find something to laugh about.

Unfortunately many teenager boys with your DS diagnosis end up in care or young offender's.
It is a fear I have too.
Do you have a social worker? Is there a youth reach centre? I know one boy who went to youth reach with similar boys and learned he couldn't bully anyone.
His lack of respect for you is appalling.
I'd try family counselling or search for youth services.
Like jigsaw or barnardo's charities.
I thought he was younger at 13 he cant do this I'd punish him severely.
I put my DS on naughty spot/ground him etc his diagnosis isn't a get outside of jail free card for arsehole behaviour.

[quote RussianSpy101]@JoborPlay yeah people with your attitude shouldn’t have children. It’s not fair on the DC.[/quote]
You think I had kids knowing I'd feel like this?

How you feel about kids is only something you can truly know once you've had them. Up until then you can only guess. I guessed wrong.

@Bluerainbow86

Dc2 would bring joy I believe. It’s hard when dc1 is so vile. He’s just deeply unpleasant. He tells me I’m fat, ugly, stupid, low IQ, past it, useless, thick etc etc. When I speak he often said ‘no one cares, so shut up yeah.’ He’s 13. He ruins holidays and days out. He’s spiteful. He’s rude about people and nasty most of the time.

Despite my PollyAnna-er-ish post about love below; I can really identify with this op.

Your teen ds sounds really hard going. I also have a teen DD who is very challenging and I can honestly say she nearly broke me. It really does wear you down. Have a look on the teen board here at a series of threads called "does raising teens affect your mental health?".

My advice to you would be to step back a bit. Do not take what he says personally. He is taking all the angst he feels in RL out on you. As the threads on the teen board say, he needs you to "hang on to the end of the rope" and keep it steady while he thrashes about. It's hell tbh. Be slightly less available and do things to boost you up so that you are not as vulnerable to his comments.

Ignore ignore ignore the bad, and praise the good. Keep telling him you love him because otherwise it can all get very negative. And reach out for support if you need it.

Do not follow him up and down his mood swings, just stay slightly separate on the sidelines ready to help if necessary. And do not blame yourself or feel guilty. His brain is going through a period of plasticity and you just have to hang in there until it sorts itself out. Reward yourself op. Do things that YOU enjoy. Model happiness. Get some ADs if you need them. And it will get better.

What support are you getting as individuals and as a family? Is your DS getting the help from external sources needed to help him understand his behaviours?

You just can't let dc1 get away with all this! Tell him you're going to take him to the doctor or a child psychologist to find out what's wrong with him. My mother used to tell me she'd put me in a Home if I didn't behave. It worked. It scared me. (And I'm sure my behaviour was nothing like your dc1's, OP.) You're looking forward to him growing up and leaving home - what if he never goes?

I love doing things with DS (8 years old). I don't have plenty of cash or a partner. I do have one child with no additional needs, I'm divorced and although I am the RP, his dad is involved and has him 3 or 4 nights a month so I get a break. That probably helps.

This weekend we went out for lunch yesterday and watched a film in the evening. Today he has his hobbies which I enjoy watching (swimming and horse riding). Next weekend I'm taking him to an outdoor maze and archery and then the following weekend he is with exh so I have a weekend to myself.

I did not enjoy or get much pleasure out of the toddler years so I stuck at one child. I prefer older kids that you can have a conversation with and you don't have to watch them non stop.

I get a lot of joy from my son, but I admit it's not all day every day. A lot of the time I hate it, in fact.

I have 3 children, one with additional needs and it is hard work. I never feel relaxed just filled with constant work and feeling overwhelmed. Planning nice activities, holidays etc. never goes to plan. But they still give me joy. Seeing what my youngest achieves despite her struggles, seeing her cheeking smile, watching my older two having fun together. It's the small things that bring joy and make it worthwhile.

Your situation sounds very tough and some of the attitudes of "shouldn't have had kids" aren't helpful.

Yanbu. I think even with NT kids without any disabilities happy moments can be few and far between but I think that's because of life iyswim not necessarily the kids themselves i.e. having to go to work, get everyone ready get and ready to go on time, bills etc etc. It's a lot of balls to keep in the air.

I have two who have SN and we used to divide and conquer as we put it a lot.

So we'd take the dc out seperately meaning they both got one to one time with us and we didn't have to sacrifice one childs needs to manage anothers.

It's hard. And I can guarantee you that your son is lashing out at you because he's frustrated with his life. You may not realise it but you're his safe person...... My dd actually punched me in the stomach when I had pancreatitis and was going into hospital. At the time I had to stop the ambulance staff from flipping their lids. Because I knew she was testing to seenif I really was ill and she was worried about who would care for her and be able to read her needs because in this game we have to be bloody mind readers.

And it's hard. But it's hard for them two..... There is help out there. We got a lot of support from social services after I made it very clear I couldn't carry on. Push for that, you deserve a break and your dc deserves better.

There’s not much support for dc1 because he’s not ‘bad enough’ in any other setting. I suspect if school saw the way he talks to me they would be shocked.
He doesn’t like me going out with friends either, on the odd occasion I do he phones me all the time and makes comments about me going out.
I find him to he relentless. There’s no point grounding him, he doesn’t do anything apart from school.
I could take electronics from him but in reality that would be harder for me than him.

It is unusual to call your child vile …
Yes they can royally annoy us at times but your level of feeling for him isn’t usual.
You sound overwhelmed and depressed - please seek help - it is out there

Could you organise things so that you could take DC2 away for a holiday just the two of you?

I'd say that would be a natural consequence for DC1 making holidays miserable and a few days away with just you and DC2 would do both of you the world of good.

Also maybe DC1 struggles with holidays for whatever reason. My older sibling hated family holidays and it was a relief for them when they stopped coming.

I have one NC child, stable marriage, and reasonable cash. Nothing has ever brought me purer joy than DC but I wouldn’t blame anyone for feeling differently. It can be bloody hard.