To not understand how children bring anyone joy?

[Bluerainbow86]

I know, I know, no other love like it. But that’s not especially positive is it? Because it just leads to worry and stress.
One of my children has additional needs, which likely doesn’t help, but how does anyone ever enjoy anything with their children?
The only way I can see it is possible is if you have one child, NT, hands on partner, plenty of cash.

No other situation seems to lend itself to anything particularly positive.

I have always loved it. Both with my own and grandkids.
Other people's children, can see why you would feel that way if you are in a caring role.

My DC bring me joy.
My eldest has autism, ADHD and other issues and my god, it was SO hard at first.
But years and years of positive enforcement, therapy etc he's a delight nowadays and makes me laugh until I cry.
I still have the odd day where I think to myself "wtf have I done." But I think that's Normal as a parent. Hope things improve for you OP.

@2bazookas

How could I not find joy in that little person who holds up their arms and beams at me with absolute love, trust, happiness . Whose face lights up when I arrive at the nursery/school gate or my gtrandchildrens home. Whose antics and chatter, ideas and expressions make you cry with laughter. Whose fresh wonder and curiosity at the world lights up the day. That moment when you tuck a freshly bathed, cuddled, kissed and sleepy little person into bed.When you see them out and about in the world with friends and strangers, being kind, supportive, funny, determined, independent , brave and think " There is a new, good person in the world and I made them ".

  Of course there was lots of  tiredness and lost temper and mess  and some really scary bits along the way,  but  they are vastly exceeded by the sheer joy and love.</div></div>

Did you read what the OP's child is like to her before posting?

@Phineyj

You're not wrong but maybe going into it expecting joy is the issue?

But then why would people have children at all, if they weren't expecting that decision to bring them happiness?

Not being goady here, genuine question. I don't have kids because I never felt broody or maternal or felt the clock ticking, so I don't know what any of that feels like. I'm honestly curious as to why someone would choose to have kids if they didn't expect to derive joy or at least happiness from those kids.

OP it sounds like you're having a tough time, I'm sorry.

I reckon it’s like gambling. You might strike lucky and have an amazingly easy bright lovely child, or you might have a very difficult challenging child.

I agree. There but for the grace of God go any of us.

@2bazookas

How could I not find joy in that little person who holds up their arms and beams at me with absolute love, trust, happiness . Whose face lights up when I arrive at the nursery/school gate or my gtrandchildrens home. Whose antics and chatter, ideas and expressions make you cry with laughter. Whose fresh wonder and curiosity at the world lights up the day. That moment when you tuck a freshly bathed, cuddled, kissed and sleepy little person into bed.When you see them out and about in the world with friends and strangers, being kind, supportive, funny, determined, independent , brave and think " There is a new, good person in the world and I made them ".

  Of course there was lots of  tiredness and lost temper and mess  and some really scary bits along the way,  but  they are vastly exceeded by the sheer joy and love.</div></div>

Try having undiagnosed and. untreated PND followed by AND (diagnosed but untreated by GP) and then come back to talk about the rush of love.

Maybe also read the OP and see if you can relate to her experience of. looking after a ND child.

I guess I'll be heavily criticised for this but anyway, Jordan Peterson wrote a whole chapter on this subject in his book 12 Rules of Life- something along the lines of 'don't raise children that you don't like'. The point being of you don't like them then no one else will and they will be condemned to live a life of loneliness and isolation. I know your ds has special needs and yet we, on a societal level, need to confront the fact that so many unlikeable children are being raised

It depends what you like really.

I've got 2 DC age 2 &4 (both NT as far as we can see so far). Obviously there are plenty of times when they are exhausting, difficult, naughty etc. But this is balanced out by so many lovely times. Snuggled in my bed together reading a story and them giggling in all the same places. They give me great big snuggles and kisses. They are both relatively easy going - younger one is easy to occupy, eldest is a fab sleeper. They light up my life every day.

I have a NT DC and a dc with sn... sometimes I feel like a bit of a fraud as a sn parent as my DC with sn is actually far easier to parent than my NT DC. She is actually so easy to look after and far more compliant than my other DC.

OP, i have a ND child and the years from age 2 to 16 were hell. I really didn't like her - days out were ruined, her siblings were scared of her. I changed my parenting once she was diagnosed at age 16 and i realised that her behaviour was communication. She was a ball of anxiety. Have to say she is a joy to be with. Has her moments still, but don't we all.

God there is some sanctimonious twaddle on here. I feel what you say OP. I’m separated with two kids who argue, one mild SEN. I’d never say this to anyone IRL but whilst I love them, I really don’t love the lifestyle and the constant work to set boundaries, motivate them etc. and sometimes I feel terribly resentful when I look at the life styles of single friends. I think many many people have no clue what parenting is like before they make that decision.

I am really sorry, you sound burnt out.

He’s just deeply unpleasant. He tells me I’m fat, ugly, stupid, low IQ, past it, useless, thick etc etc. When I speak he often said ‘no one cares, so shut up yeah.’ He’s 13. He ruins holidays and days out. He’s spiteful. He’s rude about people and nasty most of the time.

That must be so hard for you. And he must be unhappy to say those things, being neurodiverse in a neurotypical world must be a constant source of stress and pain for him. Of course you are doing your best but he wont recognise that. In fact he's probably so horrible because to him you are still Magic Mum who can make everything OK, and now he's getting older you can't do that for him any more. So he is angry with you.

Be kind to yourself first. Try to hold on to the fact that all the nasty nonsense he is saying are just different ways of saying "I don't like that" or "I don't want to do that". And do go out if you can, even if he doesn't like it. Hopefully the more you do it the more he will get used to it and be able to accept it.

I agree in your situation don't bother with consequences for rudeness, it only makes things worse. For what it's worth days out with my own DS were always a mixed bag (to put it mildly!) and if he did well one day we'd pay for it with him being evil the next day. The thing is that holidays and days out are demanding and stressful for many kids with ASCs though they are also valuable and fun. And the response to being stretched is being evil. So we limited outings to what he could mostly cope with and also to the amount of shit we could cope with. DS was always so horrible on the first day of holidays that I always wondered why we bothered and wanted to go home, but he usually settled after a day or two once it was more familiar. You might find holidays work better if you always go to the same place and do the same things?

And I hope you find, if not joy, some rest and recuperation.

[quote RussianSpy101]@JoborPlay yeah people with your attitude shouldn’t have children. It’s not fair on the DC.[/quote]
Wow, I think I might have now seen the most useless, redundant comment ever.
What an utterly pointless thing to say, not to mention cruel.

I think family support is important too. I look at other parents with very involved grandparents and feel like they must have a much more joyful experience of parenting

It is the unrelenting nature of parenting that sucks the joy for me.

I have 2 dc, both with additional needs, sometimes it’s hard to find anything enjoyable, we go out and often have to come straight home, one of them constantly moans, the other is very hard work and need constant supervision. I can’t say I find parenting that enjoyable but I guess at times it can be rewarding 😬.

So many “I feel joy, you must just be doing it wrong” type posts here.

I know it is what OP asked in the title, but I would think these kinds of responses aren’t particularly helpful to someone in OP’s situation. It isn’t the case that the joy is there they just aren’t looking hard enough, it is that a mother is overwhelmed with raising a child with SEN and is at the end of their rope. Telling them just to look for joy is like telling someone with depression just to cheer up.

Anyone in the OP’s situation needs to seek help for their own mental health and that of their child with SEN. Having those kinds of feeling against a child with SEN isn’t normal and needs to be addressed.

I don't know how you do it OP. Autistic children can be so difficult to parent. I know from being with my friend's kids.

I would be feeling like giving him a slap with comments like that. I know you're not supposed to hit kids nowadays but goodness me I'd be tempted. Good job I'm not a parent.

We all love our children but raising them is not always fun filled but it isn't supposed to be. There are moments of joy , moments of despair and many many hours of normal. They joy comes when you have Grandchildren .

I have 2 children, a rather unsupportive partner and we aren't destitute but we definitely struggle. While I do manage to find joy it's also the hardest, most stressful thing I have ever done, I constantly feel like I'm failing at least one of my children if not both and could easily run away some days. My eldest is like a bad tempered duracell bunny with a megaphone who takes all my energy and has no respect for me at all, my younger one is quiet as a mouse, easier in so many ways but so clingy that when my energy is being taken up by her elder sister I feel touched out before the morning is over. I have suspicions my eldest has some additional needs but getting anyone to listen is hard. The joy comes from little things like the often hilarious things small children say and do but it is alot harder to find joy in those things on the days that they are acting up and I am frustrated and exhausted. Have you seen anyone for help? It is out there, antidepressants aren't for everyone but without them I couldn't function (admittedly my children are not the source of my depression but some days I feel like they don't help), and you might be able to access some sort of respite for the older one to give you quality time to spend with your youngest?

@Ambersand

I guess I'll be heavily criticised for this but anyway, Jordan Peterson wrote a whole chapter on this subject in his book 12 Rules of Life- something along the lines of 'don't raise children that you don't like'. The point being of you don't like them then no one else will and they will be condemned to live a life of loneliness and isolation. I know your ds has special needs and yet we, on a societal level, need to confront the fact that so many unlikeable children are being raised

So what does Jordan Peterson offer as a suggestion to what you should do instead? Give them away?

I hear you. It IS grim.

You have to distance yourself emotionally and know what he says are just words. Try not to take them to heart. He cannot dictate your social life. When you go out with friends, put your phone on silent and check it once in a while. Can you go out alone with your DD so at least you two get some time together without his negativity?

suspect if school saw the way he talks to me they would be shocked

If he can control this then I wouldn't think its his ASD thats the problem, you need some help.

I feel for you, Bluerainbow. I think you are amazing to cope as well as you do.

WTF

Have a missed you mentioning a partner? Apologies if so. Do you have space, a helpline or friend who can listen? And how are you with DC1? By which I mean how do you react when he talks to you like that? If there’s a pattern of goading and getting a spectacular response, or no response, look at that. you sound completely worn down.