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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH not paying rent or contributing financially

133 replies

Alwaysthebeach · 04/08/2021 10:46

So DH moved out. We have two children who are mainly with me, but also staying with him.

He has moved out due to issues I wont go into. But his hope and mine is that he moves back soon.

In the meantime, he is basically giving his rent on his property priority over paying for the family home. He gives me something sone months and nothing some months. Last month was £700,this month nothing.

The lease is in his name.

I cant afford to pay it all. I also cant have the stress of never knowing where i stand. Then he turns it on me blaming me for the cost of it.

He acts surprised every month of all his expenses.

His money mangement is horrendous.

he is giving me nothing for child maintenence.

What can I do legally etc? See a fin advisor? solicitor.

He just thinks it is ok. Please help i feel helpless.

I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/08/2021 10:47

CMS? And it depends on whether you really want to have this man back in your life or not. If you think no, then go see a solicitor and get it all sorted.

MrsBertBibby · 04/08/2021 10:48

Apply to the CMS for maintenance. Do it today.

4togonow · 04/08/2021 10:49

Start divorce proceedings and sort out the financials alongside.

Tibtab · 04/08/2021 10:49

Is the lease just in his name?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2021 10:49

I wouldn’t get back together with him. He doesn’t seem to care about you at all. You can’t trust him.

Go via the CMS and look into claiming housing benefit.

NailsNeedDoing · 04/08/2021 10:50

Can he afford to maintain two households? Is his problem solely bad money management, or is it that he genuinely can’t afford it, or is it that he’s a shit who doesn’t think he needs to pay maintenance?

He’s not wrong for prioritising his rent, especially if his children need that home to be able to stay with him too

Original poster
Alwaysthebeach · 04/08/2021 10:51

Hi yes the lease is only in his name

I have started claiming befefits as I am studying for the next six months.

Is the CMS legally binding?

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaysthebeach · 04/08/2021 10:53

Nails - it is a combination of all of the above. He has mental health issues and is not responbsible for anything. However I now notice a pattern of bad money management that has been going on for years.

Some months he pays, some months not. I cant live like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaysthebeach · 04/08/2021 10:53

Nails - no he cannot affored to maintain two households at all.

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/08/2021 10:54

@NailsNeedDoing

Can he afford to maintain two households? Is his problem solely bad money management, or is it that he genuinely can’t afford it, or is it that he’s a shit who doesn’t think he needs to pay maintenance?

He’s not wrong for prioritising his rent, especially if his children need that home to be able to stay with him too

This. If you don't live together can you claim housing benefit and so on? Very few people could afford to pay for 2 households
SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/08/2021 10:55

Ah x posted

If he can't afford it I am not sure what you want hom to do. He can't print money

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 04/08/2021 10:58

You need to put your children’s security first. Claim CMS and anything else you’re eligible for. Stop paying rent if it’s his name on the lease and save like hell to be able to put down a deposit on somewhere new in your own name. He is unreliable and you need to plan for a future for yourself and your children where you’re not dependent on the whims of their father as to what he fancies paying this month. And why are you hoping he will move back in?! He’s told you through his actions who he is and what you can expect from a future with him. Listen to him.

Theunamedcat · 04/08/2021 10:59

You won't get anything on benefits if the rent is solely in his name the untidy tenancy rules only apply if your on it too

You need to move into a place in your own name then he can move back into this house and pay the rent as per his legal obligation

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 04/08/2021 11:00

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Ah x posted

If he can't afford it I am not sure what you want hom to do. He can't print money

No he can’t but he can put his children first and pay a reasonable amount of maintenance as his first commitment each month, then he can look at what’s left over and see how he can afford to house himself.
MichelleScarn · 04/08/2021 11:00

How old are the children, is his income the only household income? And agree his rent he is paying is also for a home at present.

NoSquirrels · 04/08/2021 11:00

If he can’t afford two households then of course he can’t give you money.

I don’t think you can be a student if this is going on - you need your own income.

Do you have a firm grip on your own finances? You basically have to treat this as if you are permanently separated, and apply for CMS - even if that is not much - and all the benefits you’re entitled to. Get the lease on the flat in your name.

Original poster
Alwaysthebeach · 04/08/2021 11:00

Yes he cant afford it but due to bad money management. He is up to his eyeballs in debt but wont try to talk about it or sort it out/

He is taking no responsibility for anything

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 04/08/2021 11:02

OP i appreciate this is stressful and you need to go to CMS but you need to take some responsibility also, save for a deposit somewhere new and put off the studying. At this moment in time that’s neither sensible nor realistic.

NoSquirrels · 04/08/2021 11:03

The best thing you could do right now is get an appointment at Citizens Advice so you can clearly understand your position.

Either you act as if you’re permanently separated and get a place in your name and accept you’re financing that yourself, or he moves back in.

You can’t afford 2 properties- most people can’t.

NoSquirrels · 04/08/2021 11:03

@Alwaysthebeach

Yes he cant afford it but due to bad money management. He is up to his eyeballs in debt but wont try to talk about it or sort it out/

He is taking no responsibility for anything

So you need to rely on yourself.
SpacePotato · 04/08/2021 11:04

Could you get the lease transferred to your name or look for somewhere smaller/cheaper for you and the children?

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 04/08/2021 11:06

My advice is to consider this separation permanent and to make financial provision for you and your children based on this

It may be emotionally too much to deal with the end of your relationship at present so remember that if things were to change/improve with the two of you in future you could reverse any arrangements made. Your priority now is you and your children. He needs to sort his own finances himself

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/08/2021 11:07

You need to step up as well rather than blame it all on him as there are two adults here responsible for themselves and two children.

Being a student in adulthood is a luxury you don't seem to be able to afford right now. It’s not just up to him, as a male, to pay for two households.

Legally all he has to pay is child support, not your rent or bills. He has his own of those to pay.

edwinbear · 04/08/2021 11:07

The reality is that sadly, maintaining your current home and his own home is unaffordable on your current combined income. If he isn't earning enough to pay both rents, then you need to quickly work out what benefits you can claim now that you're single, take on some part time work, or perhaps look to move you and DC to somewhere cheaper to rent.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/08/2021 11:09

OK. Deep breath.

Your marriage is over, isn't it?

He has debts.
Hes is renting himself space/a life as though he has no repsonsibilities
He is not paying for his kids
He won't sort it, so you have to

Start off with CMS - yes they will chase non payments
Look again at what you are eligible for with a benefits checker
Talk to your landlord - see if they are willing to help you out, change the rental agreement. They will find out about your financial situation soon enough so get ahead of the bad news/missed rent payment
Your studying - can you fedefer it? Can you work alongisde it?
Work - you're going to need to start/increase your hours

It's shit. But you sound as though you've been a single parent in fact for a while now anyway. So formalise it and get on with sorting yourself out, leave him to his own problems. If he sorts them and wants to start again then you can think about it. But your first responsibility is the kids - something he isn't dealing with!