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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH not paying rent or contributing financially

133 replies

Alwaysthebeach · 04/08/2021 10:46

So DH moved out. We have two children who are mainly with me, but also staying with him.

He has moved out due to issues I wont go into. But his hope and mine is that he moves back soon.

In the meantime, he is basically giving his rent on his property priority over paying for the family home. He gives me something sone months and nothing some months. Last month was £700,this month nothing.

The lease is in his name.

I cant afford to pay it all. I also cant have the stress of never knowing where i stand. Then he turns it on me blaming me for the cost of it.

He acts surprised every month of all his expenses.

His money mangement is horrendous.

he is giving me nothing for child maintenence.

What can I do legally etc? See a fin advisor? solicitor.

He just thinks it is ok. Please help i feel helpless.

I dont know what to do.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 04/08/2021 11:15

We have two children who are mainly with me, but also staying with him.
So he is taking on aspects of responsibility. When you say 'his expenses' do you mean all household expenses are his alone, £700 a month is prob a lot more than I can imagine CMS would say he has to pay. Agree with pp that being a student just now may not be feasible.

user16395699 · 04/08/2021 11:16

Haven't you posted about this before? I get that you're frustrated but it is pretty much as expected, no?

I'm not sure why you're still aspiring for him to move back in or resume the non-relationship, as pp say.

Original poster

Alwaysthebeach · 04/08/2021 11:18

Lastqueen - am about to finish a degree for a new career. I have done two years i cant stop now.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 04/08/2021 11:19

Can you contact student finance as could you not apply for grant/loan as a single parent then?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/08/2021 11:20

@Alwaysthebeach

Lastqueen - am about to finish a degree for a new career. I have done two years i cant stop now.

Then you need to get a job around it. Plenty of students sick and study.

You can’t expect him to fund your life when you are separated.

Embracelife · 04/08/2021 11:22

Does your income student loan etc cover the rent?
Do you have any joint accounts?
Who gets child benefit?
Seems like you have to separate the finances
you manage yourself

2LostSoulsSwimmingInAFishBowl · 04/08/2021 11:23

As others have said, start claiming child support now, make sure you’re claiming everything you can and then you can get a clearer picture of what you can and can’t afford going forward. CMS can be difficult to enforce but right now you have zero from him. At least if you’ve made a claim with CMS you have options- if he refuses to pay for example, it can and does go to collect and pay (details on their website) eventually.

Original poster

Alwaysthebeach · 04/08/2021 11:23

Curious - you are wrong. I am not going to go into it all as i just want to sort out the financials for now.

OP posts:

ancientgran · 04/08/2021 11:26

I'm glad you are sorting out benefits. I think you should apply for CMS, don't feel bad about it as your children deserve to be properly supported.

Going forward I think you need to be very careful about getting back with him unless he sorts out his finances. I think living with uncertainty is a real killer and you need to feel secure and that is hard, probably impossible, with huge amounts of debt.

Good luck getting it sorted and put yourself and the children first.

NailsNeedDoing · 04/08/2021 11:26

But you aren’t taking responsibility either if you aren’t earning anything to pay for your children and are just expecting him to fund you.

Simply demanding more money from him when he hasn’t got it to give isn’t going to work.

ancientgran · 04/08/2021 11:29

@Alwaysthebeach

Lastqueen - am about to finish a degree for a new career. I have done two years i cant stop now.

Can your university help? I know many, maybe all, universities have hardship funds. Finishing your degree is wise, if you can get through the next few months it will make the future more secure for you and the children.

ancientgran · 04/08/2021 11:30

@NailsNeedDoing

But you aren’t taking responsibility either if you aren’t earning anything to pay for your children and are just expecting him to fund you.

Simply demanding more money from him when he hasn’t got it to give isn’t going to work.

I'm sure she has had funding that has gone into the family finances and she is also working for a better future.

Sandinmyknickers · 04/08/2021 11:31

I appreciate this is a difficult situation but as you've posted in AIBU, I don't have any financial expertise on CMS etc, but YABU to expect him to take all responsibility to support two households when you've said he can't afford it (and we do know background as to why there are two households). I realise you are a student, but you also need to take some responsibility and you will need to start earning. Talk to your course director..I know working mums who have arranged for their final year of their degree to be part time and split over two years instead, or work around your final year studies...
And obviously all the other benefits/CMS advice you will get from others. This is going to be a combination of different things to help resolve. Not one sticking plaster

Patapouf · 04/08/2021 11:33

Put a claim in for child maintenance because then that's formalised.
Don't expect it to be enough to cover your household expenses and start looking for somewhere cheaper to life. At least if the lease is in his name it isn't your problem when it doesn't get paid when you've left 🤷🏻‍♀️

KurtWilde · 04/08/2021 11:37

You won't get any government help with the rent if the tenancy agreement is in his name. First stop is speaking to the landlord about either adding your name to the tenancy agreement or changing it to solely yours. That's what I did when my exDP left. Once that's sorted you'll be able to consider help with the rent, but housing benefit doesn't exist anymore so you can't just apply for that you'd need to apply for universal credit which has a housing element.

Don't quote me on this but I'm not sure UC is paid to full time students? It might be different with you having DC but I know when my son was at uni he had to stop claiming it and take out a student loan instead for living expenses while he looked for evening work.

And yes to CMS.

What you really need to do though is stop relying on him to pay your living expenses. That's not how separation works.

Zilla1 · 04/08/2021 11:42

If you are understandably unwilling to pull the trigger on the end of the relationship then the usual formal mechanisms like CMS, HB might not work though you could ask. The only suggestion I can think of is that you ask for his income to be paid directly to you. That might give you more security at the cost of time and headache while you are busy and won't make money stretch further, just allow different prioritisations.

Good luck.

NoSquirrels · 04/08/2021 11:47

Regardless of whether you get back together in the future, OP, it’s a bad plan to be financially reliant on him or your financial affairs linked.

As you say, he’s bad with money management and up to his ears in debts he’s not dealing with. And renting a second property whilst sole named lease on your place. And with mental health difficulties.

Even if he turns it around and your relationship recovers you need your financial future NOT tied to him. Even if you’re happily married in the future you can have separated accounts permanently.

So start that process now, then you can concentrate on the relationship when there’s stability. Get an appointment at CAB.

warmandtoasty2day · 04/08/2021 11:49

it sounds like he wants to come back for financial reasons and you want him back for the same reason, not a good reason.
the fact that he is bad with money is not your fault, he needs to seek help with his debts, not bring them back to the household. your dc don't need to live with this uncertainty.

FortunesFave · 04/08/2021 11:49

If it's come down to you contacting the authorities to make him contribute then really OP, your marriage is indeed over.

He should be living in a room in a shared house or something...not a house!

TalkingOutYerArse · 04/08/2021 11:52

Phone CMS, see if you can get tenancy in your name, if you can, claim housing and anything else you are entitled to, phone student finance and apply for single parent grant.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/08/2021 11:58

@FortunesFave

If it's come down to you contacting the authorities to make him contribute then really OP, your marriage is indeed over.

He should be living in a room in a shared house or something...not a house!

and then not have his children at all?

Peppapigforlife · 04/08/2021 11:59

Don't rely on him. Get the lease in your name so you can get housing benefit. It might be hard to get if you're studying though as it's done through UC now and you have to show you're available for work. Although I don't know for certain. If you can't get the lease in your name, get your own place. See anything from him through CMS as a bonus, not a necessity. Don't let him move back in if you're on housing benefit, as you will be committing fraud. Unless he can be financially stable for you so you can come off it.

eightyfourandahalf · 04/08/2021 12:00

Can you afford the "family home" by yourself?

If not, you need to start looking at relocation if downsizing is an option. (obviously if you have a studio flat, you can't...)

MattHancocksSexTape · 04/08/2021 12:04

I wouldn’t try and get the lease put in your name. You’d then become liable for the rent payments, which you aren’t currently able to make. All you’d do is crush your credit profile.

ChargingBuck · 04/08/2021 12:08

He has moved out due to issues I wont go into. But his hope and mine is that he moves back soon.

Why are you hoping that a father who refuses to prioritise his childrens' needs will come back?

Whatever issues caused this temporary split, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_surveys/4301446-Hows-your-childcare-Take-this-survey-100-voucher-to-be-wonhis behaviour post-split has told you everything you need to know.
A man who needs to be court-mandated to pay for his children is not a man worth having.
Make the split permanent, get a lawyer, & sic the CMS on him.

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