DH not paying rent or contributing financially

[Alwaysthebeach]

So DH moved out. We have two children who are mainly with me, but also staying with him.

He has moved out due to issues I wont go into. But his hope and mine is that he moves back soon.

In the meantime, he is basically giving his rent on his property priority over paying for the family home. He gives me something sone months and nothing some months. Last month was £700,this month nothing.

The lease is in his name.

I cant afford to pay it all. I also cant have the stress of never knowing where i stand. Then he turns it on me blaming me for the cost of it.

He acts surprised every month of all his expenses.

His money mangement is horrendous.

he is giving me nothing for child maintenence.

What can I do legally etc? See a fin advisor? solicitor.

He just thinks it is ok. Please help i feel helpless.

I dont know what to do.

The op could do the same though. She could move back in with her parents and finish her degree or get a single room.

Yes, she could. But she should drop the kids off at their dad's first. With him responsible for childcare and paying for the kids' expenses, she could then get an evening job to fund her expenses, finish her degree and pay a tiny amount in child maintenance per month to their dad.

The person who should be living in a single room is not the one who has the kids for most of the time.

@Goldbar

The op could do the same though. She could move back in with her parents and finish her degree or get a single room.

Yes, she could. But she should drop the kids off at their dad's first. With him responsible for childcare and paying for the kids' expenses, she could then get an evening job to fund her expenses, finish her degree and pay a tiny amount in child maintenance per month to their dad.

The person who should be living in a single room is not the one who has the kids for most of the time.

Yes she could and maybe that would work for both of them. Then he can claim cm’s from the op as well.

Neither should be living in a single room as parents they should both be responsible enough to provide for their children. But the op
Is completely unreasonable to expect her ex to pay the rent on her home and forgo his rent so she can continue her studies.

Both of them need to be financially independent of each other and the one who has the children less provide cms payments.

Yes, she could. But she should drop the kids off at their dad's first. With him responsible for childcare and paying for the kids' expenses, she could then get an evening job to fund her expenses, finish her degree and pay a tiny amount in child maintenance per month to their dad.

The person who should be living in a single room is not the one who has the kids for most of the time.

Well she can't just get small room and contribute cms amount. Going by this thread she should pay exh rent and stuff too though... Or is that just for men?

Well she can't just get small room and contribute cms amount. Going by this thread she should pay exh rent and stuff too though... Or is that just for men?

Well, it seems it's fine for men to walk out and just pay the CMS amount. So it should be fine for women as well. And we can all pretend that CM mythically covers 50% of the costs of raising children even if it's £20 per week.

In reality, they need to have a conversation about it. If the OP's course will lead to well-paid employment, it's not in the children's interests for her to abandon it after she's already done 2/3 of it. Even if they're no longer together, they should both want what's best for the children and work together to achieve that since it's for such a short period of time. It's not going to be the best thing for the children to have a primary parent who is trapped in low-paid work.

Yes, the OP needs to get paid employment to meet her share of her children's expenses but she can't do both that, her course work and childcare. Something has to give. Hence the suggestion that she leaves her children with her ex as primary carer for most of the time and focuses on work and study. It's perfectly possible to work full-time and study in the evenings, but not if you're caring for children as well.

@Goldbar

Genuine question - if he can’t afford two households, what is he meant to do? If he gives OP enough money for rent and children, sounds like he’d be homeless.

It's amazing that some men think it's ok to prioritize themselves over their dependent children. A single adult can get a bedsit, house-share or move back to their parents' house until they get themselves sorted. Children need stability. If there's not enough to go around, the children should come first.

Sorry, just to be clear you think the ex should live with his parents (rent free?) Or live in a bedsit or houseshare and continue to pay OPs living expenses, rent etc??

And why should he do this? He is not in a relationship with OP. Of course he should provide for his dc, but not for OP

The one who has the children for the least amount of time should live with their parents/in a bedsit.

@Goldbar

The one who has the children for the least amount of time should live with their parents/in a bedsit.

And pay for his ex to live in the family home?? Don't be ridiculous. When you separate, you pay your own living expenses. The only thing her husband should be paying her is child support. Plenty of us manage to organise childcare and work as single parents.

The only thing her husband should be paying her is child support. Plenty of us manage to organise childcare and work as single parents.

Child maintenance rarely covers 50% of the costs of bringing up children. If the OP is going to be left destitute, she should drop the kids off with her ex and then she'll have plenty of time to work and study. He has a legal obligation to care for them too.

Paying your living costs isn't his responsibility, it's yours. You can't have it both ways. You either live together or don't. If you don't all he has to do is provide for his children. Legally how much he pays depends on how often he has then overnight. Obviously its great when the nap pays more but to expected your bills paid too is ridiculous. I haven't seen you say how many times a week he does have them but he's clearly doing something. To expect the other parent (man or woman) to pay for two homes, have children regularly and hold down a job is taking the piss. You're setting him up to fail.
If you're studying you'll have to get a job around those hours and pay your way too. Your kids have two parents and it isn't fair that one is expected to shoulder the responsibility of everything.
I'd change the name on the lease, get a job and go to cms.

And it's his name on the lease, not the OP's. So she can just move out and stop paying it.

If you're studying you'll have to get a job around those hours and pay your way too.

That will be much easier without the kids. Evening childcare is expensive and will eat up any earnings.

@Goldbar

The one who has the children for the least amount of time should live with their parents/in a bedsit.

No they don't!

The non resident parent needs to provide for their DC - this does not mean that the resident parent does not have to!

Ex does not have the responsibility home the OP, unless agreed (or divorce etc) only the DC.

Sure it is crap that the OP is 6 months from finishing her education, but thats not the Exs place to deal with, they could if they wanted to. OP could take a year out, or they could go and live with their parents, or in a bedsit?

@Goldbar

And it's his name on the lease, not the OP's. So she can just move out and stop paying it.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get good rental property that's days? How expensive it is to move out? If she can't afford the rent she certainly can't afford to move out and pay a deposit plus rent in advance, bond, etc.

The OP can't afford the rent. She can't stay in the property.

Ex does not have the responsibility home the OP, unless agreed (or divorce etc) only the DC.

Yes, I'm just flagging that this is an option. These kids have two parents. The OP can leave them with their dad, who will then be responsible for caring for them, paying for them and housing them, and move into her parents' house/a bedsit while she finishes her course. That would be the easiest thing for the OP to do. A bit shit on her husband, who will then have to work and care for 2 kids, but you know what, lots of single mums manage.

He has moved out due to issues I wont go into. But his hope and mine is that he moves back soon

Why doesn’t he move back then? Problem solved?

I am paying half the rent, I asked hiom to pay the other half.

I have no family nearby.

DH has mental health issues. his plan is to move back. His money management is a catastophe. BUt why pay me nothing when you are hoping to move back. He has told me today he can contribute not one penny this month and wanst me to take out a loan. Its beyond.

@Alwaysthebeach

I am paying half the rent, I asked hiom to pay the other half.

I have no family nearby.

DH has mental health issues. his plan is to move back. His money management is a catastophe. BUt why pay me nothing when you are hoping to move back. He has told me today he can contribute not one penny this month and wanst me to take out a loan. Its beyond.

The question is, as you know he can’t afford to run 2 households, where do you want him to get the money from to pay half the rent? If he hasn’t got it, he can’t pay it.

why pay me nothing when you are hoping to move back. He has told me today he can contribute not one penny this month

He can’t pay you anything because he’s got debts and another property he’s renting. Where do you want him to magically make the money appear from? He can’t make the debts disappear and he has rent of his own to pay.

If you’re split and living separately then you each pay your own living costs. Person with greatest residency of the children gets child maintenance from the other parent, according to what that parent can afford. Which may be not much.

Splitting up into two households is expensive.

Do you want him back? If so make it happen sooner not later. But it would be better for your future not to be tied to a financially irresponsible person.

Where is he supposed to magic the money from? You absolutely need to support yourself now, he can't be responsible for your rent and his too. The tenancy agreement being in his name is neither here nor there now, you live in the family home, you're responsible for it.

It is his irresonsibility with money that has got us into this mess.

Burning fire - he isnt paying anything to me. Not one penny this month

Yeah sorry as shit as this is yabu. He can't rob a bank and tbh I think you are being massively U because you are here moaning about him not having money for you when he moved out because he got into drbts. I asaume gambling or something like that. You couldn't have posaibly expect enough money to run your household too. Just couldn't.
It's shit, but you nedd tp sort yourself by yourslef.

@Alwaysthebeach

It is his irresonsibility with money that has got us into this mess.

Burning fire - he isnt paying anything to me. Not one penny this month

Yes, but you are where you are.

When he moved out, didn’t you think this was a possibility?

He may have been irresponsible (or he may just have spiralled downwards as poor mental health and debt problems are usually linked) but you’ve also been naive if you thought he could keep supporting you.

So what’s the plan now you understand the situation?

@Alwaysthebeach

It is his irresonsibility with money that has got us into this mess.

Burning fire - he isnt paying anything to me. Not one penny this month

Yes I completely get that. But where are you expecting him to find the money from this month? If between you you can’t afford to run 2 households as they are then one or the other, or both of you, need to downsize.

You knew he was bad with money management when you were together, how on Earth did you think he'd suddenly be responsible enough to pay his bills AND yours?

@Alwaysthebeach

I am paying half the rent, I asked hiom to pay the other half.

I have no family nearby.

DH has mental health issues. his plan is to move back. His money management is a catastophe. BUt why pay me nothing when you are hoping to move back. He has told me today he can contribute not one penny this month and wanst me to take out a loan. Its beyond.

Ok - he is not reliable, and even if he agrees to pay half the rent, you cant rely on him. You need to make plans on how you will get through the next few months till you can get out working, either he looks after the dc more while you work and study... or you may have to defer a year ?