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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH not paying rent or contributing financially

133 replies

Alwaysthebeach · 04/08/2021 10:46

So DH moved out. We have two children who are mainly with me, but also staying with him.

He has moved out due to issues I wont go into. But his hope and mine is that he moves back soon.

In the meantime, he is basically giving his rent on his property priority over paying for the family home. He gives me something sone months and nothing some months. Last month was £700,this month nothing.

The lease is in his name.

I cant afford to pay it all. I also cant have the stress of never knowing where i stand. Then he turns it on me blaming me for the cost of it.

He acts surprised every month of all his expenses.

His money mangement is horrendous.

he is giving me nothing for child maintenence.

What can I do legally etc? See a fin advisor? solicitor.

He just thinks it is ok. Please help i feel helpless.

I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 04/08/2021 13:10

@Alwaysthebeach

Nails - no he cannot affored to maintain two households at all.
Do you mean he is trying to maintain two households but can’t afford it? Or has he moved out and is now living somewhere where he doesn’t pay for bills/rent?
UDontDans2Tekno · 04/08/2021 13:12

So how are you living financially

Do you have a job as well? It's not for him to pay for you to live, only his children

Howshouldibehave · 04/08/2021 13:18

@Alwaysthebeach

Lastqueen - am about to finish a degree for a new career. I have done two years i cant stop now.
Your priority has to be your children-if you have to pay rent, the course must be postponed.

What degree course finishes in February though-that seems unusual? What is the course? Will that enable you to get a job with a salary in 6 months that will pay for the costs on the family home? You clearly can’t rely on him to house you, especially if he has the children for a decent chunk of time.

MoonlightFancy · 04/08/2021 13:28

If you absolutely can’t park your course and want him to pay for you as well as the kids, can’t you allow him to move back in? If you’re planning to get back together again what’s the point in all this? Sounds like a lot of messing around for no gain.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/08/2021 13:28

It's amazing that some men think it's ok to prioritize themselves over their dependent children

They have two parents, not just one. It’s not all in him just because he is male Hmm

Grinch48 · 04/08/2021 13:32

If your a Uni student I don’t think you can get housing benefit under UC
I would check and be sure

MoonlightFancy · 04/08/2021 13:33

Agreed, Icecream. £700 for one month sounds like a lot for two kids also, depending on what his monthly pay is of course. I take it he isn’t well off?

user1471457751 · 04/08/2021 13:33

I think some posters are being unfair on the husband here. The idea he should pay the rent on the OPs house, CMS and his own rent is ridiculous. It would be impossible for most people to do this, it doesn't make the guy a selfish crap parent. He also shouldn't have to live in a house share where he can't have the kids stay over just because the OP doesn't want to fund her own life.

It's not true to state he has contributed nothing. He has the kids some of the time (maybe he would like more and he isn't allowed - we don't know). He is also making a financial contribution. £700 so over 2 months averages as £350 pm which, unless he is a high earner, is more than CMS would make him pay.

He may be bad with money, lots of people are. When women come on here asking for debt advice they are not demonised and told they should live on the streets to provide for their kids.

Perhaps he wouldn't be is such debt if his partner hadn't taken the last 2 years for studying and not working. Student loans come nowhere close to covering the lost wages of even a minimum wage job.

Maybe the solution is he moves back in and the OP moves out given she can't afford the property. Then she can claim benefits for a place in her name and, as he will be only paying for 1 household, the DH will then pay CMS

MadeOfStarStuff · 04/08/2021 13:44

YABU

The two of you clearly can’t afford two households so need to either decide to end the temporary split and move back in together or make it permanent and potentially downsize into a smaller more affordable property.

Housing the children is your responsibility just as much as his, it’s not reasonable to expect him to pay the costs of two households unless he’s a very high earner. He should pay child support but that won’t cover all your costs and it’s not expected to.

is your studying genuinely going to lead to a job that will enable you to support you and your kids in 6 months time? If so then it’s worth the short term pain, but if not then you should take a break until you get the finances sorted out.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/08/2021 16:17

@Alwaysthebeach

Curious - you are wrong. I am not going to go into it all as i just want to sort out the financials for now.
If you mean about your relationship then there is little point looking to the CMS etc.

You will have to concentrate on getting a job that will pay your bills... which means accepting that his decision has screwed your degree, temproarily or completely only you can work out.

There are no other financials. He can't or won't pay. You either join him in abdicating all responsibility or do what many single parents do, sacrifice whatever it takes to pay the bills.

Your choice.

Like it or not, he has made his!

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/08/2021 16:22

Unies are ofter very helpful so they could provid3 extra time or let student deffer partially. There are extra funds, hardship funds etc. It's doable if it's just few months lwft. If it's a year, deferral is better option

omgthepain · 04/08/2021 18:05

@Alwaysthebeach

He sounds like a nightmare
Leave him where he is - contact your landlords and tell them he's moved out and your doing a universal credit application and be upfront with them and they'll thank you for this

Go on www.entitledto.co.uk

And do a calculation then start your application ASAP

Why you'd consider having him back and "your hope is he'll move back soon" is beyond me you already have 2 kids why entertain a manchild as a third

You will be better off financially and mentally yourself I promise you

DeflatedGinDrinker · 04/08/2021 20:26

He shouldn't pay 2 lots of rent and bills. Why did he leave if the home is only in his name? Can you not rent somewhere?

DeflatedGinDrinker · 04/08/2021 20:27

Sounds like he's doing you a favour letting you stay tbh.

Neverrains · 04/08/2021 20:32

If he can’t afford to maintain 2 households then I’m not sure what you expect him to do… he needs somewhere to live. This is a genuine question, but how do you expect him to pay his rent and give you money too if he can’t afford it, by your own admission?
He either needs to move back in or you both need to downsize so that between you you can afford to maintain 2 households.

DroopyClematis · 04/08/2021 21:01

I understand that you won't go into details but it looks like you are living in the family home. He's moved out. He can't afford to support two homes . You are also a student, so , presumably not working.

What more do you expect from him?

Talk to the Students Union . They may have suggestions.
Your ex needs a home.
Maybe sell the home/ move into a cheaper rented home.

Do you have support nearby?

You cannot expect your partner to subsidise two homes if you are not earning either.

That you won't give details speaks like there is a backstory that might alter posters' opinions.

Goldbar · 04/08/2021 21:03

You either join him in abdicating all responsibility or do what many single parents do, sacrifice whatever it takes to pay the bills.

Well, she can't really. Unless she drops the kids off on his doorstep and refuses to have them back. The reality is that only one parent can decide effectively to abandon their child.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/08/2021 21:15

@Goldbar

You either join him in abdicating all responsibility or do what many single parents do, sacrifice whatever it takes to pay the bills.

Well, she can't really. Unless she drops the kids off on his doorstep and refuses to have them back. The reality is that only one parent can decide effectively to abandon their child.

They are still with him though as well so I wouldn't call that abandonment.

He is doomed if he does and doomed if he doesn't.
If he gets a sharedroom somewhere, he will be a bastard because he can never had kids and abandoned them and doesn't spend enough time with them so mum can also have a break.
If he gets big enough space so they can also be with him, he is a bastard because he can't afford to finance two households.

DroopyClematis · 04/08/2021 21:21

Please talk to the students union. They will be able to direct you to support for you and your children.
You cannot , now, just rely on your 'ex.'

MichelleScarn · 04/08/2021 21:42

I agree @SchrodingersImmigrant. The unrealistic thoughts of some posters here that have this attitude are bonkers. Such as he should have his entire pay directed to the op, he should go homeless and give everything to op rather than op have a break in studying.... Confused so how can he work if he is homeless?!

Hont1986 · 05/08/2021 00:52

I'd rather be homeless than see my children evicted, wouldn't you?

I bloody wouldn't!

Seesawmummadaw · 05/08/2021 01:55

I couldn’t support two households either!
How much does he earn?

choli · 05/08/2021 02:47

@Seesawmummadaw

I couldn’t support two households either! How much does he earn?
And how much does the OP earn/contribute?
CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/08/2021 07:51

@Goldbar

You either join him in abdicating all responsibility or do what many single parents do, sacrifice whatever it takes to pay the bills.

Well, she can't really. Unless she drops the kids off on his doorstep and refuses to have them back. The reality is that only one parent can decide effectively to abandon their child.

Yeah! That was my point.
Freddiefox · 05/08/2021 08:44

@Goldbar

Genuine question - if he can’t afford two households, what is he meant to do? If he gives OP enough money for rent and children, sounds like he’d be homeless.

It's amazing that some men think it's ok to prioritize themselves over their dependent children. A single adult can get a bedsit, house-share or move back to their parents' house until they get themselves sorted. Children need stability. If there's not enough to go around, the children should come first.

The op could do the same though. She could move back in with her parents and finish her degree or get a single room.

You could argue that the op needs to put her children first and get a job. The children should come first.

The father will need to have a home that his children can visit. Somewhere they feel
Comfortable.