Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret pregnancy

139 replies

hellomumma · 30/07/2021 23:54

My brother and his wife live with my parents.
Sil is pregnant and she practically hid from us for 9 months. Whenever myself or my dsis visited our parents, she would ensure she's not home. There is no back story, we've all always been civil with one another. Db told my mum not to tell my sister and I about the pregnancy, She of course told us as it's a ridiculous thing to keep a secret and he had no real reason as to why he didn't want us to know. We never said anything so he never knew that dm told us, also he would be very annoyed with dm if he knew she told us.
Fast forward to now the baby was born yesterday. My father sent a picture of the baby to me, just a picture, no explanation as to who that baby is.

6 hours after the baby was born db sent a group mssg just saying his daughter was born at X pm.
Am really annoyed at him, we were always so close growing up, he was a brilliant brother, then he got married and just changed. He became very different towards us after marriage. We allowed it and never brought it up. He was the first person I told when I was pregnant. So the fact that he didn't even want me to know he's having a baby makes me extremely sad.
Am happy for both of them. However I've ignored his group mssg, the way I see it is if your going to be all horrible forbidding our mother from telling us your news, you yourself aren't telling us and your wife hiding from us then no I don't want to know about your baby after it's born. Am going to my parents next week, I don't think I'll see the baby or the mother as most likely she will go to her mums after she comes out from hospital.
The most hurtful thing is everyone from our extended family Knew about the pregnancy and also knew the gender, it was very embarrassing to hear from relatives the gender and me being his own sister having no idea.
I don't know what my aibu is. Am just really sad and hurt.

OP posts:
DeflatedGinDrinker · 31/07/2021 00:04

YANBU very odd

Guavafish · 31/07/2021 00:11

It’s very odd situation

Maybe you should just say congratulations and wish them happiness. I would be civil but distant. Are they planning on staying in your parents house?

Very unusual… but let it go

Monday26July · 31/07/2021 00:18

It’s odd but they’ll have had their reasons, and you’re making this all about you. If you were previously close to him then I’d be gracious, congratulate and send a small gift, and let him set the tone for your relationship with the baby. There’s clearly a lot going on you’re not privy to here. But this isn’t about you!

Original poster
hellomumma · 31/07/2021 00:30

Yeah I don't think I'll be sending a gift. Am not going out of my way picking out a gift to send only for it not to be appreciated and then come back on MN to have a moan about it.
The first thing I did and what everyone else I know of did is tell siblings parents straight away, and I sent pictures without anyone needing to ask. He's not even sent pictures of the baby to any of the siblings. Only sent it to my father. And am sure he's sent them to extended family members too

OP posts:
Original poster
hellomumma · 31/07/2021 00:31

If I see him next week. I'll be civil to his face and that's about it. It's been 5 years since he got married and changed towards us. I've allowed it and never said anything, I think this is it, am fed up and can't be bothered anymore. It's a shame.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2021 00:34

This is very, very weird. You say there's no backstory, but I'm suspecting there is, at least from the prospective of your SIL.

Nuggetnugget · 31/07/2021 00:35

It's very unusual and makes me think they thought there was going to be something wrong with the baby or was she terrified of losing the baby?
There is more to this I think.
I would certainly send a little card and present.

WorraLiberty · 31/07/2021 00:37

There's definitely a reason for their behaviour. Quite what it is, goodness knows but I refuse to believe you and your sister don't at least have an inkling.

Are you the poster who keeps posting about how extremely close to your brother you were, until he got married?

WorraLiberty · 31/07/2021 00:37

@Aquamarine1029

This is very, very weird. You say there's no backstory, but I'm suspecting there is, at least from the prospective of your SIL.
Yep and the OP's brother.
BoltonDoowar · 31/07/2021 00:41

I have a SIL who did similar. We coincidentally ended up living on the same close beforehand.

We didn’t pester her or my brother. Greeted them as and when. One day noticed a baby bump when I ran in to her on the street. Didn’t bring it up but carried on running in to her obviously pregnant. Found out officially by way of a family group chat when she was 34 weeks.

After baby was born we saw him properly (as in not just running into SIL with pram in the street) once at a family do in the first year. My brother popped round one whole time, without SIL or baby, to show me a picture of baby in a Halloween outfit (I’d given them a bag of my own child’s old clothes which my brother received gratefully) I’d given them. When I asked where SIL and baby were he shrugged his shoulders.

They still keep themselves to themselves and rarely show their faces at family events.

Angelofchaos · 31/07/2021 00:47

My cousin hid her last pregnancy. But it fairly odd circumstances.

She was having her 6th by the age of 27. 5 dad's and she Despite having a HA home she lived at her mum and dad's, whilecthey took care of them. Or she left them at mine or one of the aunts for 2/3 days at a time.

I can't imagine, that's the situation here though. Or similar.

There's got to be a reason. I couldn't help but ask.

I think also think they need to move out and get their own place. If they continue doing things like this, it's going to cause further division in the family and put your parents in a really bad position.

slashlover · 31/07/2021 00:48

I'd be annoyed if I was SIL or your DB, obviously your mother can't be trusted.

therocinante · 31/07/2021 00:50

Very odd. There must be a reason why, it's just that you don't know it - ever any falling out, even seemingly minor ones?

Botanica · 31/07/2021 02:29

Just let it go, be happy for their new arrival and rise above it.

I didn't tell anyone about my pregnancy until well into the third trimester. Why? Because I had had such an awful journey up to that point trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant that I didn't really believe it was going to happen and couldn't bare the thought of telling people bad news.

The thing is, it's not really your business to know why they didn't want to tell you. They obviously had their reasons.
Just move beyond it now and put it in the past.

DaisyChainsForever · 31/07/2021 02:56

To those saying that you also hid pregnancies, that's not the case here, as OP clearly said others knew about it including the gender!
It is very odd OP. I would be inclined to ask your Brother what's going on? Could it be that SIL has some misplaced jealousy over how close you were?

Hyppogriff · 31/07/2021 03:00

How bizarre . Maybe take the high road - card and small gift then let it go.

QueenBee52 · 31/07/2021 03:18

They cut you and your Sister out OP..

So that works both ways.... now cut them out Flowers

Just10moreminutesplease · 31/07/2021 03:25

That’s incredibly odd. Is it possible that they have suffered previous losses?

I can see someone choosing to keep their pregnancy secret if they are worried about losing their baby (granted keeping it a secret for the entire pregnancy seems extreme... but grief can do strange things to people).

cutebutscary · 31/07/2021 03:46

So now the baby is born and he's chosen to tell you , does he expect you to celebrate ? I have to admit , the hurt I would feel at this would lead me to probably just ignore the message ! I mean, what's he expecting !!! Or say 'what baby?' Seeing as you're not supposed to know . How will he explain that away without looking like a bell end

MindyStClaire · 31/07/2021 03:59

I mean, there's clearly a reason for what they've done. They clearly get on well enough with your parents to live with them, and with the extended family. So it's just the siblings that they don't want contact with.

So what's their version of the story? If you've been on here any length of time you'll have seen umpteen threads about not getting on with in-laws. What would SIL's say? Not do you think it's right or fair, what do you honestly think her view is? That might help you unpick what's going on.

MyOtherProfile · 31/07/2021 04:01

Sitting for you and your sister. I would send a card but also have to ask Db what is going on.

MyOtherProfile · 31/07/2021 04:02

@slashlover

I'd be annoyed if I was SIL or your DB, obviously your mother can't be trusted.
Why should she? In her shoes, once the pregnancy was visible, I would have said no to keeping it secret. They are forcing her to choose between her children here and being very divisive.
joystir59 · 31/07/2021 04:32

Perhaps she was afraid the baby wouldn't be ok at birth? I'd be gracious and congratulate them and give them a gift. I wouldn't create a rift. They had their reasons.

QueenBee52 · 31/07/2021 04:33

Family Secrets... never end well..

it's a seedy business ...

Misaki · 31/07/2021 04:51

We didn't tell any of my family (only mum and dad) until after our baby was born. We previously had a second trimester loss, which happened a few weeks after we told everyone. Telling everyone we lost the baby was horrific, so we agreed to only tell the absolute minimum amount of people until the baby was born safely.

They'll have their reasons for keeping it to themselves. Just be civil about it.