Secret pregnancy

[hellomumma]

My brother and his wife live with my parents.
Sil is pregnant and she practically hid from us for 9 months. Whenever myself or my dsis visited our parents, she would ensure she's not home. There is no back story, we've all always been civil with one another. Db told my mum not to tell my sister and I about the pregnancy, She of course told us as it's a ridiculous thing to keep a secret and he had no real reason as to why he didn't want us to know. We never said anything so he never knew that dm told us, also he would be very annoyed with dm if he knew she told us.
Fast forward to now the baby was born yesterday. My father sent a picture of the baby to me, just a picture, no explanation as to who that baby is.

6 hours after the baby was born db sent a group mssg just saying his daughter was born at X pm.
Am really annoyed at him, we were always so close growing up, he was a brilliant brother, then he got married and just changed. He became very different towards us after marriage. We allowed it and never brought it up. He was the first person I told when I was pregnant. So the fact that he didn't even want me to know he's having a baby makes me extremely sad.
Am happy for both of them. However I've ignored his group mssg, the way I see it is if your going to be all horrible forbidding our mother from telling us your news, you yourself aren't telling us and your wife hiding from us then no I don't want to know about your baby after it's born. Am going to my parents next week, I don't think I'll see the baby or the mother as most likely she will go to her mums after she comes out from hospital.
The most hurtful thing is everyone from our extended family Knew about the pregnancy and also knew the gender, it was very embarrassing to hear from relatives the gender and me being his own sister having no idea.
I don't know what my aibu is. Am just really sad and hurt.

It is strange but I think not unforgivable. Perhaps there is a history/reason as to why she chose to do this.

You are being unreasonable to take it out on a little baby though and your brother. At least try and find out why they chose to do this as opposed to just cutting them off.

Send a message of congratulations, buy a gift for THE BABY. Don't be so begrudging.

I can see how this would be very hurtful OP especially if you've been the only ones excluded. However I would still congratulate and buy a small gift etc. Say she is controlling him and has decided that because you were close, she doesnt like you and he isnt allowed to contact you. Ignoring their baby is just going to play in to her hands 'well that just proves how nasty (OP) is, we did the right thing not involving her'. I'd keep inviting them to things, offer support with the baby eg cook them a meal if they are close by etc just to keep the lines of communication open. He might not always be married to her, or not be able to stand up to her (if that's what's happening) or if she has issues that mean she cant see you, that might not always be the case. And one day you might regret burning your bridges (though I appreciate most of it is your brothers doing).
Even if you don't really speak to your brother much, one day you might want a relationship with the baby and this might be possible independently of the parents if you havent fallen out

Have you asked your parents what they think of her behaviour? Eg when they said 'don't tell OP', didn't they ask why not and ask your brother what's going on and why the distance between you? If they haven't, maybe they could?

@Botanica

Just let it go, be happy for their new arrival and rise above it.

I didn't tell anyone about my pregnancy until well into the third trimester. Why? Because I had had such an awful journey up to that point trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant that I didn't really believe it was going to happen and couldn't bare the thought of telling people bad news.

The thing is, it's not really your business to know why they didn't want to tell you. They obviously had their reasons.
Just move beyond it now and put it in the past.

Totally agree with this. Sorry OP, it's literally none of your business what they decide to tell you. I'm currently pregnant and family know, but not when I'm due or what we are having.

Your messages make me uneasy OP I'm not going to lie.

I think you have been grey rocked tbh and this is LC/NC . I think there's probably a very good reason for it too. I think you posted this because you wanted to add justification for acting badly and people to say "oh SL and brother sound awful and awfully potential" so you can't show people 🥴 weird controlling behaviour.

You seem to have taken some joy in knowing your mother broke your brothers and sisters trust telling you and know it will cause damage if it gets out. Which I put money on that's what your counting on, push comes to shove.

People don't do this for no reason. They do it for a reason you may not being willing to acknowledge. You say you were close to brother but sometimes it can take a outsider to point out unhealthy behaviours.

You have no entitlement to be told anything about someone else's body. If you were close I would be asking why this closeness has gone and look at my actions that caused it rather than it's all the SL fault.

I suspect not only is there another side to the story but a very different perspective of your closeness from your brother and his childhood with you.

No one is entitled to relationship under the guise of "fammmillly" all relationships are two way streets and people are free to not engage if they wish. The same as you have already said you are going to.

You could comment on the group chat "congratulations, whose the mother? 😉"

@candlelightsatdawn

Your messages make me uneasy OP I'm not going to lie.

I think you have been grey rocked tbh and this is LC/NC . I think there's probably a very good reason for it too. I think you posted this because you wanted to add justification for acting badly and people to say "oh SL and brother sound awful and awfully potential" so you can't show people 🥴 weird controlling behaviour.

You seem to have taken some joy in knowing your mother broke your brothers and sisters trust telling you and know it will cause damage if it gets out. Which I put money on that's what your counting on, push comes to shove.

People don't do this for no reason. They do it for a reason you may not being willing to acknowledge. You say you were close to brother but sometimes it can take a outsider to point out unhealthy behaviours.

You have no entitlement to be told anything about someone else's body. If you were close I would be asking why this closeness has gone and look at my actions that caused it rather than it's all the SL fault.

I suspect not only is there another side to the story but a very different perspective of your closeness from your brother and his childhood with you.

No one is entitled to relationship under the guise of "fammmillly" all relationships are two way streets and people are free to not engage if they wish. The same as you have already said you are going to.

Thank you for saying this.

Tanks all for your replies. I haven't read them all yet.
I did just want to add that my db gets along with my dh very well, he always makes plan to
Go out with my dh when we come over. So it's very surprising he didn't mention it to dh either, even if he mentioned it towards the end of the pregnancy would've been sufficient, I can only guess he didn't because dh would obviously tell me.
Regarding back story- there really isn't one, sil was perfectly fine with us prior pregnancy, soon as she was pregnant, we never saw her again. Nothing to do with losses as everyone else knew about the pregnancy, family friends relatives, they even had a gender party and baby shower.

Nothing to do with losses as everyone else knew about the pregnancy, family friends relatives, they even had a gender party and baby shower

Who attended the gender reveal? Were your parents there? Extended family? Was it a function or held at your mums house?

This is all very bizarre

A lot of people are questioning my db sudden change after marriage and I accepted it and was civil, why etc. Well it's a common theme in our family, anytime a man from my mums side gets married, they change! I don't know why. But I've witnessed it with my uncles, it's so weird and bizarre and literally I have no explanation for it, db funnily enough would always point this out and make a mockery of them and say he would never change like them after getting married. Lo and behold he did, so it's wasn't a surprise for us. I wasn't going to interfere in their marriage in any way. We've been extremely welcoming to sil, she has no issues with my family as far as am aware, and am sure she wouldn't willingly live there for 5 years if she had issues. They have the financial means to move out, their plan always was they will look to move once they start a family. So am guessing they will be looking for a house if they already haven't started.
In terms of change, the most prominent behavioural change in db was, he wouldn't talk to us, he would avoid us at all cost. Even when sil isn't there he still won't talk to us, he'd rather be sat on his own. If we tried to have a conversation with him, he will snap at us. He doesn't even interact with our children anymore, he only talks to them if my dh is there for show.

Why can't your husband ask how come he didn't mention the pregnancy to him when they were shouting about it to other family members in her side.

@hellomumma

Tanks all for your replies. I haven't read them all yet. I did just want to add that my db gets along with my dh very well, he always makes plan to Go out with my dh when we come over. So it's very surprising he didn't mention it to dh either, even if he mentioned it towards the end of the pregnancy would've been sufficient, I can only guess he didn't because dh would obviously tell me. Regarding back story- there really isn't one, sil was perfectly fine with us prior pregnancy, soon as she was pregnant, we never saw her again. Nothing to do with losses as everyone else knew about the pregnancy, family friends relatives, they even had a gender party and baby shower.

They had a party and a baby shower wand kept it all a secret? Honestly I would be done!

Db is the confrontational type, if he has issue with any family member or his wife is not happy with something he won't quietly sulk away.
I will just wait til next week, I have a strong feeling I won't see either on them. Dsis is going today

This is such odd behaviour I couldn’t ignore it, I would actually ask him why he didn’t tell you.
I would also point is his change of behaviour to your mum snd see what she says. Something doesn’t add up at all.

@Just10moreminutesplease

That’s incredibly odd. Is it possible that they have suffered previous losses?

I can see someone choosing to keep their pregnancy secret if they are worried about losing their baby (granted keeping it a secret for the entire pregnancy seems extreme... but grief can do strange things to people).

Except the wider family were told

My child was born way before db got married, so sil was not in the scene nor were they in a relationship when I had mine, I don't think she even knows I told him first unless he's told her, but I doubt he would even remember something like that. Men are not like women.
I am not the overbearing sil everyome seems to be assuming. Without knowing any of us I find it interesting that everyone thinks I can be the problem and not sil or db.

I get why other posters kept the pregnancies private, but the situation here is different.

They have the right to tell who they want, but for you and sis to be singled out and nit told is strange.
Think id send a personal mesaage to brother saying glad to hear their good news and happy that theyve got a healthy baby but i would ask him outright if there's issues you are unaware of because you would hate for there to be, esp if things could be improved .

Well it's a common theme in our family, anytime a man from my mums side gets married, they change!

If there's a common theme with all these people who come into your family through marriage, the problem is clearly something to do with your family.

If people are born and raised with certain attitudes and behaviour they won't question it, people coming into the family as adults will have a very different perspective.

Just leave it

There is no point in asking, they clearly didn’t want you to know. It’s very bizarre. Would knowing the reason change anything in your relationship?

I get why other posters kept the pregnancies private, but the situation here is different.

Why ? No one had any right to be told about a pregnancy. You do not have any entitlement to be told anything. You have been told now though it's just you deem it to late 🤷🏼‍♀️. No one has to justify their behaviours to you since it's not about you it's about them and the choices they have made re a pregnancy.

Funny in one of your previous comments you says SL must like the family because she's lived with your parents. This maybe true, she just may not want to spend time with you for whatever reason. I think what you put was indicative that you know SL isn't comfortable around you. It sounds like it's LC/NC that doesn't apply to the family but you in general. I wonder if you can think about why that maybe without blaming some type of generation change that happens to all men on the family. That sounds as wild as a TV drama series.

You say the word civil ? I mean I'm civil to my ex but that doesn't mean stuff hasn't gone down to induce that.

Your blaming this change on BL getting married, so let's explore the option of maybe your right ? He's reassessed what his priority is in terms of hierarchy. Your thoughts and needs are less than his wife's. Your cool with that right ? Bar the fact you have actively got a score card of his wrongs and undermining those choices and blaming SL to boot.

Why do I think your going to show this whole thread to the family to throw a bomb in there ? Like "see look how wrong you are the internet agrees with me"

I know this behaviour of old. You already mentioned way on you weren't here for how to deal with this, you stated you won't be wishing them well or buy a gift. So I suspect your here for validation on this behaviour and enough ammunition to throw.

Bet you would describe your childhood with DB as great because you visited stately homes...

No sorry this doesn't pass the smell test. You not sharing any that would potentially have caused this on your side, it's everyone else's fault. It's a one sided story to provoke a one sided response

I feel sorry for him, I feel sorry for SL and actually I feel sorry for you. Being able to look inwards at your own actions and take ownership is a skill that makes you likeable and you would find that actually this will reduce the amount of people doing this. And money on it it's happened before

@Guavafish

Just leave it

There is no point in asking, they clearly didn’t want you to know. It’s very bizarre. Would knowing the reason change anything in your relationship?

It would at least be more honest and get things out in the open. Else how does op know if she cab even visit her parents house without causing offence to brother etc.

Did you ever have a relationship with SiL?

Oh dear, this reads like one of those Gransnet posts where they are adamant they have no idea why their son/daughter has went LC/NC, and they rationalise it by saying outrageous, nonsensical shit like this:

Well it's a common theme in our family, anytime a man from my mums side gets married, they change!

I don’t think you are as close to your brother as you would have us believe. Otherwise, this situation would not have went on as long as this because surely you would have just asked him if there was a problem, right?

She has been visiting throughout the pregnant and the sister-in-law has been actively avoiding them. Clearly she has the problem. They should just continue as they are and visit when they like to see their parents.

If the SIL and brother doesn’t want to engage then why should they?

Maybe you could just asked your brother what's going on? Maybe there is something that you've missed?