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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Secret pregnancy

139 replies

hellomumma · 30/07/2021 23:54

My brother and his wife live with my parents.
Sil is pregnant and she practically hid from us for 9 months. Whenever myself or my dsis visited our parents, she would ensure she's not home. There is no back story, we've all always been civil with one another. Db told my mum not to tell my sister and I about the pregnancy, She of course told us as it's a ridiculous thing to keep a secret and he had no real reason as to why he didn't want us to know. We never said anything so he never knew that dm told us, also he would be very annoyed with dm if he knew she told us.
Fast forward to now the baby was born yesterday. My father sent a picture of the baby to me, just a picture, no explanation as to who that baby is.

6 hours after the baby was born db sent a group mssg just saying his daughter was born at X pm.
Am really annoyed at him, we were always so close growing up, he was a brilliant brother, then he got married and just changed. He became very different towards us after marriage. We allowed it and never brought it up. He was the first person I told when I was pregnant. So the fact that he didn't even want me to know he's having a baby makes me extremely sad.
Am happy for both of them. However I've ignored his group mssg, the way I see it is if your going to be all horrible forbidding our mother from telling us your news, you yourself aren't telling us and your wife hiding from us then no I don't want to know about your baby after it's born. Am going to my parents next week, I don't think I'll see the baby or the mother as most likely she will go to her mums after she comes out from hospital.
The most hurtful thing is everyone from our extended family Knew about the pregnancy and also knew the gender, it was very embarrassing to hear from relatives the gender and me being his own sister having no idea.
I don't know what my aibu is. Am just really sad and hurt.

OP posts:

burnoutbabe · 01/08/2021 20:03

Well brother also refusing to chat to the sisters too and leaving the room when they are there.

I just think it needs publicly acknowledging. Else the parents are in a bad position of having to "warn" brother that sister is coming over and no actual family events? Be interesting to see what happens when op's sister goes over to see new baby and what excuses are given.

candlelightsatdawn · 01/08/2021 20:14

@burnoutbabe

Well brother also refusing to chat to the sisters too and leaving the room when they are there.

I mean if someone's going NC/LC with any family member believe me, they don't wait until be told. They will just leave if put in that position, which seems to be the case here.

You don't have to make excuses not to see certain family members. I used to avoid my "family friend" who was life and soul of the party, everyone loved him. I didn't want to or need to explain it was because he has been molesting me from age 5 frankly because I didn't want to think less of the people who would try and argue against my "excuses". Even now people will try to argue with me like they were in the room each time the abuse was happening.

I certainly got more heat to comply than he did, and he went on to do it to others sadly.

You get to decide as a adult who you engage or not engage with - this is the gift of adulting. This includes family because it's a two way street and no one is entitled to your time or affection because they effectively reproduced.

FunMcCool · 01/08/2021 20:47

That’s so hurtful. So hurtful.

Original poster

hellomumma · 02/08/2021 00:40

@candlelightsatdawn no it hasn't happened before. Thanks for your contribution....
your assumptions are all exactly that, you know nothing about our Iives.
and for all those saying they don't need to tell me, actually yes they kind of do if they are telling the whole world except me , you can make all the assumptions in the world, the fact of the matter is I haven't done anything, and had I done anything, the type of people they are they would've made a big deal about it. Anyways life goes on, I have plenty of nieces and nephews in my life so it's not like am missing out.

OP posts:

Pegasusmail · 02/08/2021 00:52

It's is really cruel.
I was hoping that a reason came out to explain but If they were having baby showers etc then that is really making it clear they didn't want you to know.. Not just people to know
Pass yourself with them but take joy in your nieces and nephews. It's really strange from your mum too.

Maggiesfarm · 02/08/2021 00:58

Ask your mother what it is all about.

LionSGuard · 02/08/2021 01:31

You come across really badly in your posts imo OP. You allowed it, your 'civil' relationship, it would have been sufficient to tell you later on in the pregnancy, they 'kind of do' have to tell you (no they don't).

It might be odd to you but I'd bet my house your DBs and Sils story is different to yours. You sound so difficult, perhaps it's just the way you're coming across in messages but that's the vibe I get from your posts.

LionSGuard · 02/08/2021 01:33

And your niece hasn't actually done anything wrong either. So if you are able to have at least some kind of relationship with her I would, no matter how many other nieces and nephews you have so you're not "missing out". She's a baby, she hasn't done anything.

LionSGuard · 02/08/2021 01:35

Also not sure why everyone is blaming the SIL. It was OPs brother who asked his Mum not tell OP. Are men not responsible for their own lives/choices/decisions or something?

If you were so close to your DB why can't you just ask him? Or your DH?

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 02/08/2021 07:05

Your mum must know why they have chosen to behave this way? What has she said about it all? This must be very sad for her.

Whereland · 02/08/2021 07:10

The obvious first step is to ask your brother why he didn't tell you?

Helspopje · 02/08/2021 07:13

We were ‘cut out’ and told how disappointed they were in us by my in laws when we didn’t tell them I was pregnant until we were passed the point we’d had a late loss in the previous pregnancy a handful of months earlier. Apparently we ‘denied them joy’.

Btw this isn’t a hidden pregnancy, this is deciding not to share pregnancy news. Different.

burnoutbabe · 02/08/2021 08:08

@LionSGuard

But how can she if sister in law leaves house when they are there and brother also won't speak to them. One assumes they won't be able to see niece.

This may not happen but seems likely from actions so far. At that point it clearly can't continue to be not discussed/acknowledged publicly.

LionSGuard · 02/08/2021 08:52

If they do that then obviously she can't, that's why I said if you are able to. OP sounds like regardless of how her brother and SIL are, she's just going to ignore her nieces existence because she wasn't told about the pregnancy. Hardly fair on a child who's done nothing wrong.

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