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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret pregnancy

139 replies

hellomumma · 30/07/2021 23:54

My brother and his wife live with my parents.
Sil is pregnant and she practically hid from us for 9 months. Whenever myself or my dsis visited our parents, she would ensure she's not home. There is no back story, we've all always been civil with one another. Db told my mum not to tell my sister and I about the pregnancy, She of course told us as it's a ridiculous thing to keep a secret and he had no real reason as to why he didn't want us to know. We never said anything so he never knew that dm told us, also he would be very annoyed with dm if he knew she told us.
Fast forward to now the baby was born yesterday. My father sent a picture of the baby to me, just a picture, no explanation as to who that baby is.

6 hours after the baby was born db sent a group mssg just saying his daughter was born at X pm.
Am really annoyed at him, we were always so close growing up, he was a brilliant brother, then he got married and just changed. He became very different towards us after marriage. We allowed it and never brought it up. He was the first person I told when I was pregnant. So the fact that he didn't even want me to know he's having a baby makes me extremely sad.
Am happy for both of them. However I've ignored his group mssg, the way I see it is if your going to be all horrible forbidding our mother from telling us your news, you yourself aren't telling us and your wife hiding from us then no I don't want to know about your baby after it's born. Am going to my parents next week, I don't think I'll see the baby or the mother as most likely she will go to her mums after she comes out from hospital.
The most hurtful thing is everyone from our extended family Knew about the pregnancy and also knew the gender, it was very embarrassing to hear from relatives the gender and me being his own sister having no idea.
I don't know what my aibu is. Am just really sad and hurt.

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 31/07/2021 07:23

Well I read 'allowed it' to mean the op took a step back and accepted it. Bigger picture is that a baby was born and siblings are expected to go along and not question anything! Bizarre Confused

lboogy · 31/07/2021 07:23

I don't blame you for being upset. ESP as you said you're very close to your brother. However, he's married now and his wife takes priority so if she didn't want to share the news then that's the decision they've made.

Try to be happy for them and move on. Knowing before hand would have made very little difference to your life.

slashlover · 31/07/2021 07:36

I would assume SIL is just someone who says she’s “private” but is actually into playing Information-is-Power

Why blame SIL?

OP says Db told my mum not to tell my sister and I about the pregnancy and he would be very annoyed with dm if he knew she told us.

Hereslurkingatyoukid · 31/07/2021 07:49

100% there is more to this.

Sapnupuas · 31/07/2021 08:04

YABU for writing "am" instead of "I am".

It's weird but it's their choice. My brother didn't tell me until his partner was 6 months, at least. I knew from the day they found out but he still hadn't told me because he hadn't wanted to tell our dad. It was bloody obvious and such a weird situation to be in, pretending I couldn't see her prominent bump.

Jumpingintosummer · 31/07/2021 08:08

How very sad. I would have to tell my brother how much hurt he had caused then step away emotionally. Telling no one is odd but I could understand that, excluding two and telling extended family etc is just cruel.

Standrewsschool · 31/07/2021 08:09

Be bigger person and buy a card a present. Not doing so will cause more harm than good.

Grimacingfrog · 31/07/2021 08:11

I would say 100% that SiL is insecure and didn't like you being close with your brother. It's really weird that someone would be jealous of a sibling relationship but it does happen. In fact I've heard a similar story very recently.

It's part of this keeping you distant that you're not allowed to share in her family news, i.e. the baby. Unfortunately it's only your brother that can change this dynamic, nothing you do can change her behaviour or your brother's reaction. I don't get this prioritising your wife idea, either. Prioritising your wife should not have to involve completely cutting yourself off from your siblings. There shouldn't be a side to take.

I'm really sorry OP but I wouldn't be bothered in trying to rekindle a family relationship that your brother doesn't reciprocate. I'd probably buy a present and card just to avoid drama and be the bigger person, but I don't think I could be emotionally invested in the baby because it's absolutely certain that you will not be allowed to get close to it.

notanothertakeaway · 31/07/2021 08:14

Don't cut your nose to spite your face

It's simple to send a small gift and card

It seems odd they told everyone except you and your sister. There must be a reason for that

How you did your own pregnancy isn't really that relevant

enoughforme · 31/07/2021 08:25

It is odd but she's possibly likely had losses. I've had losses and I promise you cannot truly understand unless you have - I've not had a child yet but two consecutive losses ask me and DH actually spoke about next time doing something similar, certainly with work colleagues for examples or at the very least we will likely wait until 16 weeks.

If I could het away with not telling a soul until nine months I would tbh.

Grimacingfrog · 31/07/2021 08:32

@enoughforme

It is odd but she's possibly likely had losses. I've had losses and I promise you cannot truly understand unless you have - I've not had a child yet but two consecutive losses ask me and DH actually spoke about next time doing something similar, certainly with work colleagues for examples or at the very least we will likely wait until 16 weeks.

If I could het away with not telling a soul until nine months I would tbh.

So sorry for your losses.

I completely understand not telling anyone in that case but she's telling the extended family but not the siblings. That doesn't fit with your scenario.

Iwonder08 · 31/07/2021 08:45

There could be 3 reasons :

  1. previous dramatic pregnancy loss.. I think your mum would know if it happened given they live together. Ask her If it was the case you need to be understanding and civil
  2. she is psychotic manipulative person who bullies your brother to submision. It would highly unlikely she would agree to live with his family in this case. This attitude would definitely cover your parents too, not just you and your sister
  3. you and your sister are not as civil and nice as you paint here. If she gets out of the house every time you visit there must be the reason why she doesn't like you to that extent.
MadeOfStarStuff · 31/07/2021 09:29

It’s so strange there has to be a reason for it, even if you’re not aware what that is or just understandably don’t want to share it on MN.

FrenchBoule · 31/07/2021 09:48

So SIL moves into her in laws with her husband and he tries to prevent his mother from telling her daughters about impending arrival.

Maybe SIL has had her reasons but they’re hugely upsetting the dynamics of the family they literally moved into.

Hope they won’t try to dictate who can or can’t come to house they are living in.

vivainsomnia · 31/07/2021 09:56

100% there is more to this
Of course there is. People don't choose to exclude people for no reasons. It sounds quite obvious that she doesn't like you and your sister and has just been polite and civil, but avoiding you as much as possible. She will have her reasons, even if you don't know what they are.

If you are so close to your brother, I'm surprised you didn't raise the matter when she made a point of not being around when you visited.

shouldistop · 31/07/2021 09:56

I'd reply to the message and ask why the baby was a big secret

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 31/07/2021 10:12

This is all very strange behaviour. You used the word 'civil' to describe your relationship with SIL. This does imply there is some sort of back story here. Either way i would send a message to my brother and ask him why he didn't want to share the news with you and if you have done something to upset them. (However i am guessing by the use of the word civil that you already know what that is). What does your DM say about it all?

I would send a small gift and readjust your expectations of the relationship.

NautaOcts · 31/07/2021 10:18

Can’t you have a word with him and ask him why he didn’t tell you/didn’t want you to know?
Presumably he doesn’t know his and your mum told you so surely he must be expecting you to be surprised/confused!

Drivingmeupthewall · 31/07/2021 10:20

As only you and your sister were excluded from this knowledge @hellomumma, and you say you were very close to your brother previously, is there a tiny chance you’re withholding information about how you and your sister treated your SIL when she came into your lives? It’s the only way this makes sense…

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 31/07/2021 10:33

Why don’t you just ask him what the hell is going on? He’s missed out on the whole sharing and caring in the run up to being a daddy by not sharing with his family!? Of course it’s absolutely their right not to tell, but based on your close past it is a bloody weird thing to do. Maybe his wife had mental health issues but as he’s never told you, it makes them look a bit weird? I’d ask him outright. We used to be so close, I loved Sharing my news With you. What’s happened? Why are you cutting yourself off from us?? Just ask. Can’t make things worse really, can it?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 31/07/2021 10:44

It's not a good idea to ignore it. If it is them being weird it leaves you open to 'horrible OP didn't even acknowledge my baby' (the not telling you during the pregnancy will be deemed irrelevant). If you've actually done something that resulted in this even if you have no clue what, it will be added to the resentment against you.
Say congratulations, send a card and gift. Don't make a comment about not knowing. If they're trying to be awful then that will wind them up but what can they say? Op said congrats and sent gift and didn't ask why we never told them? They'd look bonkers.

If you've done something then it is an olive branch.

MrsJBaptiste · 31/07/2021 10:45

I'd just text "Congratulations?"

Then maybe send a card but not bother with a present unless he stops being weird.

Hugoslavia · 31/07/2021 10:45

Perhaps they had been trying for a while and wanted to surprise you all to see your reaction. I think that it would be childish not to want to see your niece or nephew.

Ellegirl · 31/07/2021 10:50

This is a difficult one, similarly my brother changed when he got with his partner. No real contact anymore, no birthday acknowledgement or any interest in my life etc. We had been ever so close growing up, I think this is what she hates.

I think you just need to hold your head high and know it's her problem not yours, acknowledge the baby and congratulate your brother. Ignore her though she's a cow.

AlternativePerspective · 31/07/2021 10:50

Is it possible your brother is in an abusive relationship?

Someone changing after getting together with a new partner can be a classic sign of abuse.