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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret pregnancy

139 replies

hellomumma · 30/07/2021 23:54

My brother and his wife live with my parents.
Sil is pregnant and she practically hid from us for 9 months. Whenever myself or my dsis visited our parents, she would ensure she's not home. There is no back story, we've all always been civil with one another. Db told my mum not to tell my sister and I about the pregnancy, She of course told us as it's a ridiculous thing to keep a secret and he had no real reason as to why he didn't want us to know. We never said anything so he never knew that dm told us, also he would be very annoyed with dm if he knew she told us.
Fast forward to now the baby was born yesterday. My father sent a picture of the baby to me, just a picture, no explanation as to who that baby is.

6 hours after the baby was born db sent a group mssg just saying his daughter was born at X pm.
Am really annoyed at him, we were always so close growing up, he was a brilliant brother, then he got married and just changed. He became very different towards us after marriage. We allowed it and never brought it up. He was the first person I told when I was pregnant. So the fact that he didn't even want me to know he's having a baby makes me extremely sad.
Am happy for both of them. However I've ignored his group mssg, the way I see it is if your going to be all horrible forbidding our mother from telling us your news, you yourself aren't telling us and your wife hiding from us then no I don't want to know about your baby after it's born. Am going to my parents next week, I don't think I'll see the baby or the mother as most likely she will go to her mums after she comes out from hospital.
The most hurtful thing is everyone from our extended family Knew about the pregnancy and also knew the gender, it was very embarrassing to hear from relatives the gender and me being his own sister having no idea.
I don't know what my aibu is. Am just really sad and hurt.

OP posts:
Ellegirl · 31/07/2021 10:51

Also, good on your mum for telling you but why did she allow this behaviour?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 31/07/2021 10:54

They're adults though. What can she do? Ground them? Stop their pocket money?

Hankunamatata · 31/07/2021 11:03

I'd text him privately and say 'congratulations. Bit confused as to why you wouldn't tell me or dsis that your were having a baby'

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 31/07/2021 11:06

She probably didn't want any advice or interference or unsolicited opinions and speculation about her pregnancy.

Given your use of 'allowed' and talk of how close you are and how he was the first person you told etc she probably felt a bit claustrophobic at the thought of all that involvement in her pregnancy.

That would explain why more distant people were told and not you.

I would send a card, a gift and congratulations. This is your niece now. Don't let privacy surrounding her pregnancy bight your relationship with your niece.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 31/07/2021 11:08

I also think your mum knows exactly why they didn't want you to know and she is being diplomatic by not telling you.

burnoutbabe · 31/07/2021 11:30

I'd not really worry about people saying "this is your Neice" etc as realistically you won't see her will you? She'll be taken out if you visit.

I'd have to ask as this is clearly going to be an issue.
Or you can just say congratulations we must come and visit you all, when shall we come and just see if there is any response?

Surely if living with your parents that would be mega odd if you can't now visit your parents without mother and baby disappearing!

Erwhatno · 31/07/2021 11:35

There’s absolutely no way there isn’t a back story here

Houserenoqueen · 31/07/2021 11:37

Sounds odd unless there is a backstory. However, I kept my last pregnancy a secret. Told friends and close family at 30 weeks and noone else. My eldest child was born very ill and did not survive so I was terrified the same would happen again.

messybun101 · 31/07/2021 11:46

since he got married your DB has rightly prioritised his wife and whatever it was about your relationship with him which was perhaps overbearing has changed.

IMO I don't think your SiL was going out or hiding when you visited to hide the pregnancy. I think it was because she doesn't want to see you.
And probably why when you visit she will still be at your mums
And the next time. And the next time.
There's something going on with you and your siblings, even if you are unaware. Your DB must be angry with you and your sister for something.

burnoutbabe · 31/07/2021 12:00

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

I also think your mum knows exactly why they didn't want you to know and she is being diplomatic by not telling you.
Surely though it's easier for mum to say what the issue is.

Else she will have to ban the sisters from the house to "protect" the sister in law from seeing them. How will that work?

Mum is clearly prioritising her son over her daughters here. Which may be fair enough if there is a reason for it. If not, then she maybe needs to ask son to move out, else she can't see her daughters in her own house.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 31/07/2021 12:06

Surely though it's easier for mum to say what the issue is.

It depends. There's no good way to say "your SIL hates you and thinks your interfering and annoying" plus that would cause an absolute rift. Maybe there was a situation where op really overstepped and the mum doesn't want to bring it up and cause a massive argument. It's easier to just say nothing and pretend there isn't a problem sometimes.

The mum isn't clearly prioritising the son either, she's obviously trying to balance everyone's needs in a really tough situation.

Winter2020 · 31/07/2021 12:19

I would text “Congrats!” Literally that - in the short form. That would be it. I would not ask why I wasn’t told etc etc - the SIL is loving shutting you out (other’s were told and your mum was asked not to tell you.). I would refuse to feed the drama. I would not send a card or present.

I don’t think you would be cutting off your niece - I don’t think you will be allowed to see/spend time with her anyway. I would just go about my business as usual. If you pop into your mums and the baby is there say “Hi Sophie!” now whose putting the kettle on? Your SIL is ready to launch her energies into shutting you out and I would take the wind out of her sails by there being no need to.

If the parents do invite you round to meet the child I would just go “OK thanks” and pop round for half an hour. Say she is lovely etc and then leave without outstaying. I wouldn’t even hold babe without being invited by SIL as this will be recounted as “grabbed baby off me when I needed to feed…”. SIL is the alpha female as far as baby (and your brother goes) and you will save yourself a lot of heartache if you detach.

burnoutbabe · 31/07/2021 12:24

I'd only do card /gift when invited to visit.

As that's perfectly natural to assume you will be seeing them all soon so can deliver in person. So they can't bitch about receiving nothing if they refuse to see you.

Steelesauce · 31/07/2021 12:49

I would go the opposite way and gush over the baby. It is your niece after all. It would probably make them feel guilty if you handle it with grace.

DomPom47 · 31/07/2021 12:49

My best friends sister in law is Bengali and this same thing happened to her. For whatever reason she always saw herself in competitor with my best friend and her two sisters and was cold towards them and literally after wedding her brother who used to be extremely close to them changed. She was very friendly and warm with her parents anc extended family but never with her and her sisters. And sadly she seems to now put her kids in competition with my best friend and her sisters kids.

lobsteroll · 31/07/2021 12:49

No wonder you feel hurt and confused but ultimately there is a new baby to love in the family.

If you acknowledge the baby/send a congratulations text, card etc. you should try and think of it as something nice that you're doing for the baby, rather than the parents.

When the baby grows up you don't know what the situation might be like, and it would be nice to be able to look them in the eye and say you did everything you could to forge a relationship with them.

NoMoreBloodySweets · 31/07/2021 12:54

I've hidden my pregnancy from a certain family member, an aunt, because I expected nothing but negative judgement.

It has been easy as I don't particularly want anything to do with her anyway so never see her these days.

If you've never given them reason to assume you'd respond negatively then I do think it's very strange.

Viviennemary · 31/07/2021 12:59

You do sound a bit disapproving of other folk's behaviour. Perhaps this is the reason they didn't share. I would send a small present and card.

NoMoreBloodySweets · 31/07/2021 13:01

Long shot but is there any reason they may have assumed that the pregnancy would be upsetting for you? IE you were TTC or had previous losses?

My DB and SIL are having fertility struggles and I was really nervous about telling them about current pregnancy. I put it off until 24 weeks.

Winter2020 · 31/07/2021 13:08

I actually don’t think mothers cutting out the inlaws side is unusual at all. I know of a few but it’s usually more subtle to start with of course. Then a couple of years in and the family see the ladies family and friends all the time and the man’s family and friends next to never.

I wouldn’t be too surprised if there was some evolutionary reason like reducing competition for the resources the man can provide - even though largely irrelevant in the modern world but the trait lingering on. They haven’t cut out anyone that is useful to them but when they no longer live with your parents I would not be at all surprised if they did …unless of course they want childcare or cash.

BlueSurfer · 31/07/2021 13:13

There is no back story, we've all always been civil with one another. Db told my mum not to tell my sister and I about the pregnancy, She of course told us as it's a ridiculous thing to keep a secret and he had no real reason as to why he didn't want us to know.

By your own admittance, it’s only a civil relationship you have had. I wonder whether you belittling their feelings (calling it ridiculous) is a reason they keep things from you.

Regardless, there is a back story and there is a reason. Otherwise you would have known along with everyone else.

victoriaspongecake · 31/07/2021 13:16

Don’t be so nasty and childish. There’s obv a reason they didn’t tell you and it’s not your place to judge when you don’t know.
Send them a card and prezzy telling them you can’t wait to see the baby. Life really is too short for childishness.

SecretSpAD · 31/07/2021 13:21

Something similar happened to me when my brothers wife started having babies. The difference was he was a knob anyway and he married a knob so I wasn't bothered about seeing them or even bothering to be civil.
When she got pregnant they told my parents and made a point of saying they didn't want me to know (I was abroad so never saw them anyway). I eventually found out when my mother told me that the first baby was born. I couldn't be bothered to even send congratulations or acknowledge it in any way. I couldn't care less about a relationship with the offspring of two of the biggest knobs I've met.

OP let them get on with their silly games and step away from the drama. Why bother trying to have a relationship with a child that you're probably never going to see. Time to cut them loose.

Dweetfidilove · 31/07/2021 13:27

Folks and situations can get weird.
Maybe you've offended them.
Maybe he's being controlled.
Maybe he's a weirdo who disappears up a partner's ass once coupled.
One word - congratulations! Then ignore the rest of it. I wouldn't be chasing them with any gifts or further well wishes or questions. You only know, because it would require more effort to make another family group, or they'd have to explain why they've removed you and your sister from the group.

JoborPlay · 31/07/2021 13:29

YABU.

It's their baby, her pregnancy and their choice when and who they share it with. Maybe they DO have reason not to share it but haven't told anyone why.