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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret pregnancy

139 replies

hellomumma · 30/07/2021 23:54

My brother and his wife live with my parents.
Sil is pregnant and she practically hid from us for 9 months. Whenever myself or my dsis visited our parents, she would ensure she's not home. There is no back story, we've all always been civil with one another. Db told my mum not to tell my sister and I about the pregnancy, She of course told us as it's a ridiculous thing to keep a secret and he had no real reason as to why he didn't want us to know. We never said anything so he never knew that dm told us, also he would be very annoyed with dm if he knew she told us.
Fast forward to now the baby was born yesterday. My father sent a picture of the baby to me, just a picture, no explanation as to who that baby is.

6 hours after the baby was born db sent a group mssg just saying his daughter was born at X pm.
Am really annoyed at him, we were always so close growing up, he was a brilliant brother, then he got married and just changed. He became very different towards us after marriage. We allowed it and never brought it up. He was the first person I told when I was pregnant. So the fact that he didn't even want me to know he's having a baby makes me extremely sad.
Am happy for both of them. However I've ignored his group mssg, the way I see it is if your going to be all horrible forbidding our mother from telling us your news, you yourself aren't telling us and your wife hiding from us then no I don't want to know about your baby after it's born. Am going to my parents next week, I don't think I'll see the baby or the mother as most likely she will go to her mums after she comes out from hospital.
The most hurtful thing is everyone from our extended family Knew about the pregnancy and also knew the gender, it was very embarrassing to hear from relatives the gender and me being his own sister having no idea.
I don't know what my aibu is. Am just really sad and hurt.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 31/07/2021 05:06

@Misaki

We didn't tell any of my family (only mum and dad) until after our baby was born. We previously had a second trimester loss, which happened a few weeks after we told everyone. Telling everyone we lost the baby was horrific, so we agreed to only tell the absolute minimum amount of people until the baby was born safely.

They'll have their reasons for keeping it to themselves. Just be civil about it.

Completely understandable and I'm so sorry for you and your DH's loss..

however... it was only OP and her Sister excluded from this wonderful news.. so not quite the same situation as your own tragic situation. 🌸

miltonj · 31/07/2021 05:28

I think you need to text/call/face to face say to him - gorgeous baby etc, congratulations, why didn't you tell me you were having a baby? And then you've asked. If you don't get a proper reply then at least you've tried. I'd probably ask in person.

tiredmama2020 · 31/07/2021 05:29

@hellomumma You say he changed after marriage - did you make an effort with his wife? I can’t imagine why he’d go from being a wonderful brother to cutting you off for no reason so perhaps he feels like you’ve not been very welcoming to her and maybe feels like YOU’VE changed since he got married? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have barely any contact with my own brother. He had some issues around 16 years ago that he refused to take any accountability for and blamed on everyone else. He left members of my family in a pretty bad way financially and emotionally. I see him once a year when we I visit DP on Christmas Day and he’s usually there for the day. I didn’t tell him when I was pregnant and have no intention of him being around my DS.

Rest of my family I told about my pregnancy at 28 weeks

sbhydrogen · 31/07/2021 05:37

"Yo bro, why didn't you tell me?

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/07/2021 05:48

That is so weird OP! And I don't blame you for being upset at all. I'm not as close but my cousin recently had a secret baby, none of us knew about the pregnancy and they wanted to keep it that way and I still can't figure out why. Weirdos.

I will say OP though is careful it to burn your bridges. This little girl is here to stay and if all your brother remembers for 18 years is you ignored her birth and didn't say congratulations, it could really affect your relationship.

I'd go down the faux shocked route and say "Hang on, SIL has had a baby?! Congratulations- did you not realise she was pregnant?!"

badacorn · 31/07/2021 05:49

You say he changed after marriage but you “allow” it, you say you’ve always been “civil with one another”… you say there’s no backstory but it sounds tense. Like perhaps you and SIL don’t get on well at all. Obviously I don’t know you at all so I could be wrong, I was just struck by your wording.

Don’t get me wrong it’s still weird to cut family out of a big event like this. I don’t blame you for being hurt!

Bananarice · 31/07/2021 05:50

I have never made an announcement of my pregnancies. I just told people who asked or if/ when needed. I found it awkward enough telling doctors.

Why do you need an announcement? What stopped you from asking when you saw her clearly pregnant?

You have a new addition to your family. That is exciting, send your niece a nice gift. Ask your brother for an explanation and remember your niece is not her parents.

PatchworkElmer · 31/07/2021 05:57

Ask him why he didn’t tell you? There’s clearly something going on here if everyone was told, apart from you and your sister.

Sceptre86 · 31/07/2021 06:15

I would leave it yet as they ate in a newborn bubble of joy but at some point I would ask your brother why you and your sister were excluded from knowing about the baby when extended family were told.

My sister had a miscarriage early on in her first pregnancy, she had told immediate family on both our and her dh's side she was pregnant and found it very hard. In her current pregnancy she only told me at 24 weeks and whilst her mil is aware she has not told any of her dh's siblings or dad. She doesn't feet on with them for a start and thinks they won't wish her a safe pregnancy, she is also very superstitious and incredibly anxious. I think it is daft and hurtful that her dh can't tell his own dad or siblings about the baby bit it is her choice and he supports his wife. I nor anybody else gets to tell her what to do and she feels this is the best way to protect her baby.

Sometimes you have to realise it isn't about you and act graciously. So I would send a present and raise it with your brother not sil another time.

Sceptre86 · 31/07/2021 06:17

Blush so many typos, I blame swollen pregnant fingers!

KatherineJaneway · 31/07/2021 06:22

There is no back story, we've all always been civil with one another.

'Civil' doesn't sound very nice

Notonthestairs · 31/07/2021 06:24

I think there is a backstory. Nobody cuts out their siblings without something happening. And you don't sound like you particularly like your sister in law.

Veronika13 · 31/07/2021 06:27

@hellomumma

If I see him next week. I'll be civil to his face and that's about it. It's been 5 years since he got married and changed towards us. I've allowed it and never said anything, I think this is it, am fed up and can't be bothered anymore. It's a shame.
'I've allowed this'...? You sound way too invested in their marriage.
HollowTalk · 31/07/2021 06:28

I'd send a message: congratulations. Why didn't you tell me you were having a baby?

MayorGundersonsDogRufus · 31/07/2021 06:33

Sorry OP, I do think YABU. While their behaviour is odd, for sure, you've never discussed it with them so you have no idea why they've behaved like this and you've formed your own judgments. She may have extreme anxiety, maybe she had pregnancy loss in the past, there could be all kinds of reasons they wanted to keep this quiet and didn't want to discuss it and most of them likely have very little to do with you.

And you have a new, living, breathing member of your family who I'm sure would value a loving aunty in their life. You have a wonderful opportunity here for a rewarding relationship and to show you can be a loving supportive sister and aunt. You are not showing this at the moment. Take a deep breath, rise above it and buy the baby a damn present!

InTheNightWeWillWish · 31/07/2021 06:37

You said you were close with your brother, then he got married and changed. You accepted this and were civil. If you were close and he suddenly, without warning, dropped out of your life with no backstory I’m not sure you would just accept him changing his behaviour so suddenly.

I would make the effort with the baby. It’s not the baby’s fault that you and your brother are being civil to each other, with no backstory. If you ever want a relationship with your niece, this is one of those times you need to put your pride aside and at least try to congratulate your brother, at least try to build a relationship. He might not let you in but at least you can say you tried. At the moment, it sounds like you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face.

WeAreTheHeroes · 31/07/2021 06:37

He became very different towards us after marriage. We allowed it and never brought it up.

This stood out to me: we allowed it. There's your answer - since he got married your DB has rightly prioritised his wife and whatever it was about your relationship with him which was perhaps overbearing has changed.

Congratulate them and give them/the baby a gift. Life is too short to hold grudges over perceived slights.

Jen123456789 · 31/07/2021 06:40

Like others have said, it could be a history of pregnancy loss. I had two miscarriages before having my son recently. I found it hardest to tell the family members I am closest to because they had a “stake” in the outcome of the pregnancy. As in, it would be their grandchild, their niece/nephew etc. All I could imagine was that I was going to have to “let them down” and break bad news that the baby wasn’t ok in the future. Looking back it wasn’t healthy at all, and acquaintances knew long before my brother, and my favourite auntie and cousins. But I didn’t mind telling acquaintances because I knew that they wouldn’t be hard hit by any bad news. Does that make sense? As I say, it was an unhealthy way to behave and lots of people were surprised when I told them (actually asked my parents to tell them) that I was 36 weeks pregnant. As someone has previously said, grief does strange things to your psychology and makes you behave in odd ways xxx

OutOfTrousers · 31/07/2021 06:52

Wow, congratulations! Is all you need to say. Plus asking if mum is doing ok.
As others have said, there must be a reason that they kept this quiet, but now is not the time to ask.

pegboardsu · 31/07/2021 07:01

@Jen123456789

Like others have said, it could be a history of pregnancy loss. I had two miscarriages before having my son recently. I found it hardest to tell the family members I am closest to because they had a “stake” in the outcome of the pregnancy. As in, it would be their grandchild, their niece/nephew etc. All I could imagine was that I was going to have to “let them down” and break bad news that the baby wasn’t ok in the future. Looking back it wasn’t healthy at all, and acquaintances knew long before my brother, and my favourite auntie and cousins. But I didn’t mind telling acquaintances because I knew that they wouldn’t be hard hit by any bad news. Does that make sense? As I say, it was an unhealthy way to behave and lots of people were surprised when I told them (actually asked my parents to tell them) that I was 36 weeks pregnant. As someone has previously said, grief does strange things to your psychology and makes you behave in odd ways xxx
This.

I would not add fuel to the fire by not acknowledging the baby or sending a gift. A cherry congratulations and sending an outfit might actually start a conversation between you and your DB.

Whatever happens, now is not the time to question his actions, but I would not be participating in this 'game' at all. I would congratulate, send a gift, coo over the baby and wait.

Things always come out in the wash...

Thewinterofdiscontent · 31/07/2021 07:02

Op are your family by any chance as rough as a bag of spanner’s? Potentially a bad influence.
Have you said anything hurtful to them/SIL in the past ?

There is something about you they aren’t comfortable with and as PP mentioned maybe it’s because of previous pregnancies and losses.

Let them be and stay friendly. You can find out the issue further down the line.

user47000000000 · 31/07/2021 07:02

Bloody hell OP get over yourself. Get the baby a present & congratulate your brother

Wanttocry · 31/07/2021 07:06

He became very different towards us after marriage. We allowed it

How big of you.

It’s weird for them not to have told you, but it’s so weird that there must be at least a a small backstory. You don’t randomly choose two family members not to tell about a pregnancy so there must be a reason somewhere, even a totally ridiculous one. I would just ask, because it sounds like somehow you’ve really upset them and whether their feelings are completely justified or completely unjustified, I’d want to know what reason they had.

Wanttocry · 31/07/2021 07:10

I’ll add that when I say you should ask, I think that should be in a non-confrontational way, after you’ve done the general congratulations etc. And I’d frame it as “I hope that if I’ve done something to upset you, you’ll let me know” because in this kind of situation I’d never assume that I was totally the innocent party, even if I had no idea of what was going on.

CrazyNeighbour · 31/07/2021 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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