AIBU to wish people could be more honest and accepting of honesty?

[LemonLemonLemon]

I realise I’m not about to change society, but I wish it was more acceptable to be straight with people. Probably my pet hate is white lies to avoid a slightly upsetting truth.

For example, if a friend doesn’t want to meet with me because they’d rather spend the day relaxing, they should be able to tell me that and I should accept that and move on. I know for a fact that a lot of people would lie about this, or if they told the truth it would upset the other person.

Why can’t we tell someone if an outfit doesn’t suit their shape, or if they’ve upset us and why?

I’m not saying everyone suddenly needs to become rude and blunt, you can still be honest with tact.

Totally agree, life would certainly be simpler. We are conditioned by society to only say things people want to hear. That’s one of the reasons I can’t stand social media. Full of gushy comments, it’s so fake yet people can’t see through it

Someone asked the other day if we wanted to meet up with their family, even though they're meant to be a) testing their coughing kids and/or b) self isolating... Instead of being able to say "no, that would be not allowed, and stupid...", I was tying myself in knots to find a way to get out of it that laid the blame on myself.

I so SO often wish I could even bring myself to say that something is inconvenient, but I'm so far from being able to be honest that I lie every time and totally disrupt my routines, and inconvenience myself by saying "oh anything is fine!"...

I hate myself...

;)

Move abroad. I still suffer with the forced overpolitness in UK sometimes. All this dancing around, "we simply must meet up soon" etc. I am straightforwardly, but much less than I used to because I would have no UK friends🙈

I live in another country and bluntness isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I just say if I'm not up for something.....

E.g.

No I don't want to join for dinner on a weeknight because I'm tired and need time to relax

Or no, I'm not coming over to watch the football as I prefer to watch it on my own

I can't be bothered to be a people pleaser any more and tend to be quite picky about how I spend my time.

I recently complained about a meal when a waitress asked how the food was, said something along the lines of "it's not great tbh because but the sweet potatoes are undercooked and the avocado was not ripe"

I agree, I've moved from "Up North" to the Southwest and noticed a big difference in the culture here. Where I am from if people aren't happy about something they will, as a general rule, tell you straight especially if you ask for an opinion. Here, I don't get an honest opinion but non-committal answers and I have to press most people to find out what they really want/feel. It's not dishonesty as such but a more polite answer/society which tries not to cause any offence but I find it really frustrating to deal with especially when time is of the essence. .

There are perfectly acceptable social "lies" we tell each other for the sake of good relationships. It is nonsensical to think that "honesty" as a policy makes a better society.

I don't think every thought needs to be expressed, I don't need always to hear "your truth" you don't always need to hear mine. I say this as the parent of a very honest autistic son. I have been teaching him how to lie socially all his life. Grandma doesn't need to hear that he is not grateful for his Christmas gift as he doesn't want a new jumper/ socks/ phone whatever he wants to keep the old one, his teachers don't need to know every single time they make factual/ grammatical errors.

Honesty is one of those concepts that are easy to say are "good" in theory but difficult to apply in every situation.

Like most things it comes down to communication. How and when and why etc. Sometimes a lie or omission is kinder than the truth. Truth can be harsh. The sort of people who like to say "I am just honest" are sometimes hard to like. I have lied to myself and to others for the best, kindest reasons. Mainly because honesty can be difficult to maintain when you are trying to be a safe reassuring presence for your children. They need to know that they are safe and everything is alright when they are tiny. I am very honest about most things but sometimes lies are more reassuring!

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

I just say if I'm not up for something.....

E.g.

No I don't want to join for dinner on a weeknight because I'm tired and need time to relax

Or no, I'm not coming over to watch the football as I prefer to watch it on my own

I can't be bothered to be a people pleaser any more and tend to be quite picky about how I spend my time.

I recently complained about a meal when a waitress asked how the food was, said something along the lines of "it's not great tbh because but the sweet potatoes are undercooked and the avocado was not ripe"

I've done the complaining about a meal before and the staff usually just look at me blankly. They're so used to everyone saying it's fine, why do they bother asking?

I don't complain unless something is really wrong, if it's just a bit bland or not what I expected I don't bother.

I do this, I don't think my friends find it rude. Cancelled plans just last weekend because I was exhausted. Just told my friend exactly that - I was super tired and would not be good company, we had a nice chat about looking after ourselves and that was that. We're due to meet up for dinner this week instead.

I don't ever feel like I have to lie to my friends, if I did they prob wouldn't be friends.

@LemonLemonLemon are you born and bred in the U.K.? If you don’t mind me asking.
Locals could never, EVER face blunt… you always have to go around in dozens of circles so just not to hurt their feelings! 🤔🤔🤔🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ Tiring if you are from a certain part of the world 😳

Caveat: I don’t mean using foul language, just plain honest English.

I agree with @flemcandango

Honesty can be pretty brutal and unnecessarily upsetting

I'm not suggesting that we never tell the truth but if the truth is likely to cause upset and achieve nothing then I would question the motives of someone who insists on delivering the blunt truth rather than staying quiet

For me its because some not all, of my friends wont take no for an answer. So If I said "sorry I'm not feeling great today" or" I'm really shattered at the moment" they would just go on trying to persuade me. Sometimes people wont accept the truth!

My favourite friend is always brutally honest, tells me if something looks awful, my bad taste in men or why she doesn't want to eat at that restaurant with me. She's just also so honest, it's really refreshing and I love her for it!

Yes. I'm in my mid-30s now and it's slowly dawned on me that this is why I'm a terrible employee - I typically work freelance or similar. I'm very hard-working, will give my all and can work with all sorts of people etc but I have absolutely zero tolerance for corporate BS, whether failure to own mistakes or any other aspect of "minor dishonesty" that seems endemic in working life.

I've also ended friendships over it - "I don't fancy meeting up, let me get in touch when I do" is perhaps hurtful but fine, whereas "Oh I'm just sooo busy this weekend [so please get the hint and fuck off]" is enraging.

[quote letmethinkaboutitfornow]@LemonLemonLemon are you born and bred in the U.K.? If you don’t mind me asking.
Locals could never, EVER face blunt… you always have to go around in dozens of circles so just not to hurt their feelings! 🤔🤔🤔🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ Tiring if you are from a certain part of the world 😳

Caveat: I don’t mean using foul language, just plain honest English.[/quote]
It's really handy when you have serious complaint 😂 My British friends usually start by apologising meanwhile I don't. I am still polite though.

Being straightforward doesn't mean rude. Please, thank you, etc still plays a role. But hell will freeze over before I start a complaint when someone fucks something up for me with "Sorry" 😁

I do this. My friends are the people who have chosen to stay close to me and appreciate it. They do it too. I don't find 'acceptable social lies' acceptable, beyond 'Yes, I'm fine thanks' when you don't want to talk about what's up and you don't think the other person wants to hear it anyway.

@IWantAllTheDogsInTheWorld but some of these situations can be avoided. For example, my DH hates being bought gifts he’s not chosen. He’s an odd size, so clothes don’t often fit and he likes to research everything before buying - it has been so much easier for me to say to family “I’m sorry but I know DH won’t like that gift - it’s the way he is. How about XYZ instead”.

I agree, especially with small children there are sometimes the truth needs to be manipulated, but I genuinely don’t understand if a friend doesn’t want to meet me why they should feel a social pressure to lie.

I think this applies when we have upset people. I inadvertently upset a good friend a while back and she text me saying “your actions really upset me because…” . It was then I began thinking about all of this. It was so refreshing to hear, I apologised, made it up to her and we moved on.

@letmethinkaboutitfornow I am born and bred UK and this is part of my point - we should be able to kindly be honest and have it understood!

Also. I tell people when their mascara is smudged after getting rained on 😑 Not that I leave them sit there looking like sad Kiss fans for an hour.
Apparently it could be hurtful comment when I questioned it.

@SchrodingersImmigrant 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Ok, I must admit I got British enough to ALWAYS start with an apology, especially if it wasn’t my fault…but then very firmly (and politely) tell them where to go! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Oh gosh! I’ve answered @IWantAllTheDogsInTheWorld instead of @FlemCandango - sorry both!

@SchrodingersImmigrant - ridiculous! If I walked around all day with black eyes I’d be devestated no one respected me enough to point it out!

@LemonLemonLemon
Good luck with that! 🍀🤞

I think 'social lies' are accepted for what they are - white lies because the truth will cause offence.
It simply wouldn't be possible to live in society if everyone told the truth all the time. Besides which, 'truth' is subjective. Someone's idea of beautiful is someone else's idea of mediocre. Truth can depend on one's personal perspective. I'm thinking of witnesses to a crime. Several people can witness the same event and yet give conflicting details about it.

"I've done the complaining about a meal before and the staff usually just look at me blankly. They're so used to everyone saying it's fine, why do they bother asking?"

Especially in cheaper places. In Weatherspoons they asks when you've nearly finished so obviously they have no intention of doing anything about it.