AIBU to wish people could be more honest and accepting of honesty?

[LemonLemonLemon]

I realise I’m not about to change society, but I wish it was more acceptable to be straight with people. Probably my pet hate is white lies to avoid a slightly upsetting truth.

For example, if a friend doesn’t want to meet with me because they’d rather spend the day relaxing, they should be able to tell me that and I should accept that and move on. I know for a fact that a lot of people would lie about this, or if they told the truth it would upset the other person.

Why can’t we tell someone if an outfit doesn’t suit their shape, or if they’ve upset us and why?

I’m not saying everyone suddenly needs to become rude and blunt, you can still be honest with tact.

@TheFoundations yes! I’m not suggesting everyone just verbalise their stream of consciousness, but if I ask someone for an opinion then I should get an honest answer.

A family member is a nightmare - “what do you want to do?”
“Oh I don’t mind - I’ll go along with your choice, it sounds fine”
Then will later complain about said choice stating they never wanted to do that in the first place!

As I’ve said, I’m not saying be a knob to everyone by verbalising everything, but if discussing something specific, or asked a direct question then I believe people ought to be straight and the other person should respect that.

Yes it's often a class based issue.

Find friends with autism! Sooo much easier

I sometimes wish people would just say what's bugging them. You then have a chance to resolve it. But common practice seems to be to say nothing, pretend nothing's wrong when there clearly is, then avoid or ghost. Why not just say. Person will likely apologise. Move on.

People who won't make decisions about anything are super annoying I agree

Completely disagree. I can't stand it when people who think it's a good thing to "tell it like it is". White lies are to spare others' feelings, to be polite, to avoid hurting or damaging someone etc. Or to avoid confrontation or provocation. If someone is ugly, do you think it's appropriate to tell them, just because it's honest?

@Macncheeseballs

I'm not sure being honest can always been done 'kindly', why hurt someone unnecessarily

If it's unnecessary, you don't need to say anything at all.

Being honest when it's necessary doesn't ever need to be done unkindly.

I think this yhread is demonstarting the issue and why people have problem with honesty and being straightforward. There is some misunderstanding about what it's supposed to be.

It doesn't mean being a dick.

@LonelinessIsACloakYouWear

Completely disagree. I can't stand it when people who think it's a good thing to "tell it like it is". White lies are to spare others' feelings, to be polite, to avoid hurting or damaging someone etc. Or to avoid confrontation or provocation. If someone is ugly, do you think it's appropriate to tell them, just because it's honest?

No, because it would be unnecessary.

It really does seem as if the people who think white lies are a good thing don't actually know what being honest means.

Which would explain why they think white lies are better.

This is never an issue for men. Being honest, direct and not sugar-coating everything is deemed a strong leadership quality. Unless you happen to be female. Then you’re considered rude.

As a female on the spectrum I should know.

You can be honest while not being a Dick
I don’t generally do things I don’t want to and while I instead go out of my way to hurt people I try not to lie.
If someone was to ask me if I liked their new haircut I would say yes but if someone asked if I liked the way they were planning to have their hair cut I would have no issue saying no.
I also have no trouble saying no to doing things. MIL asked if I wanted to go on holiday with her and SIL and bil once (DH and I had agreed we were never going away with them again) and I just said “No Thanks” when she asked why not I just said because I didn’t want to. She was pretty shocked- I think I was supposed to make something up.
I would never be described as a people pleaser - according to this thread I am either Lower class, Southern or Dutch

I’m honest for the most part. But there are situations you just can’t. Friends DC is autistic and I would spend all day with friend but I just can’t handle the DC and violent meltdowns.

My own DC has asd too but different presentation and different meltdown ‘style’ so to speak. This isn’t from ignorance.

I can’t deal with being hit and bitten and kicked and having my hair pulled or have items, shoes even knives thrown. I was abused as a child but also by an ex.

I cannot say to my friend ‘your DC is triggering and bringing back shite I endured as a kid’ absolutely not even though it’s the truth. She’s dealing with enough.

So I just say I’m knackered (half truth) and need to get on with home chores.

I’ve stopped saying ‘I’m good doing what you are’ I mean, I’m not fussed most of the time what to do and having someone else make the decision so you don’t have to think if one damn thing is nice but it feeds into the passive female narrative so I’m saying I want to do X.

This is never an issue for men. Being honest, direct and not sugar-coating everything is deemed a strong leadership quality. Unless you happen to be female. Then you’re considered rude

Totally agree with this. Every job I’ve had almost all the women dislike me. I’ve worked in a few offices of all women who have what they call a ‘no blame culture’. Which has essentially meant ridiculous meetings about when to have meetings. So much polite small talk and sharing of time and opinions nothing necessary gets decided and no responsibility or even reasons for failure being discussed for fear of hurty feelz.

Every environment I’ve worked in with predominantly men I’ve done well and got on great.

I once had a great boss who said ‘once you’re a manager you will be fantastic. But you’ve got to get there’. I never did. I now am self employed.

@FlemCandango

There are perfectly acceptable social "lies" we tell each other for the sake of good relationships. It is nonsensical to think that "honesty" as a policy makes a better society.

I don't think every thought needs to be expressed, I don't need always to hear "your truth" you don't always need to hear mine. I say this as the parent of a very honest autistic son. I have been teaching him how to lie socially all his life. Grandma doesn't need to hear that he is not grateful for his Christmas gift as he doesn't want a new jumper/ socks/ phone whatever he wants to keep the old one, his teachers don't need to know every single time they make factual/ grammatical errors.

Honesty is one of those concepts that are easy to say are "good" in theory but difficult to apply in every situation.

Like most things it comes down to communication. How and when and why etc. Sometimes a lie or omission is kinder than the truth. Truth can be harsh. The sort of people who like to say "I am just honest" are sometimes hard to like. I have lied to myself and to others for the best, kindest reasons. Mainly because honesty can be difficult to maintain when you are trying to be a safe reassuring presence for your children. They need to know that they are safe and everything is alright when they are tiny. I am very honest about most things but sometimes lies are more reassuring!

To be fair at least his grandma will hopefully get it right next time....

And he absolutely should correct the teachers of they've got it wrong!

Lots to learn from your sons ways!!

It is nonsensical to think that "honesty" as a policy makes a better society

Wow. Lying is better than telling the truth.

I don't think every thought needs to be expressed, I don't need always to hear "your truth" you don't always need to hear mine

That's not what being honest means.

@Macncheeseballs

People who have no filter are not people I want to be around

I'm the opposite! To me people with no filter are the best to be around....they say it like it is, no bs.....sometimes I find these people say some hilariously apt things that we all think but don't say! Actually.....maybe I am one of those people.

If someone asked "does my bum look big in this" and it did I would say something like "it's not the most flattering.....here is an alternative" because that would be in their best interest (assuming they didn't want a big bum, if they did then I totally offended them!)

Honesty needs to be measured by gain. Who is going to benefit from this? Will change be beneficial and achieved if I say the truth? Is it for an egotistical self righteous purpose? Etc.

My best friend was dying of cancer. He knew he was terminal but it took him so quickly. He was terrified of death and the day before he died he asked me if he was going to die that day. I knew he would. But I lied. There was nothing to gain for him to know he was going. Only dying in fear. He went to sleep and never woke.

That’s totally different to cruelly continually lying about something because it’s awkward that would actually benefit a person, no matter how much they might not like it at the time - like telling an employee they have a personal odour problem or issue at work.

"Would anyone like the last prawn/macaron/piece of chocolate"

"Yeah I would"

"Ok let's do rock, paper scissor"

My type of people.......

My H is a total lier. His motto is a an easy lie is better than a hard truth. But I’d take a hard truth every time over an easy lie.

Of course being honest doesn’t mean being a dick.

It means not being a two faced person saying one thing, meaning another and leading on other people.

Ilack of honesty assumes the other person is either a bit dim or desperate.

And you’re not all that.

Totally agree. If I don’t want to do something I’ll say no thank you that’s not really my thing/no, I’m tired and want to stay in/no, I just don’t feel like it etc. If people find that offensive they’re welcome to decide not to be friends with me! My friends and I are all pretty honest if someone doesn’t feel like meeting up, or if we ask opinions on clothes etc. If someone said ‘we must go for coffee sometime’ I’d assume they meant it and would follow up with them and suggest a date. I wouldn’t say it to anyone I didn’t mean so I assume people who say it to me mean it. I don’t think any of that is rude or unnecessary, but again, if anyone does, I’m fine with them choosing not to associate with me.

@Gwenhwyfar

"It simply wouldn't be possible to live in society if everyone told the truth all the time."

Dutch people manage.

Love the Dutch! They say it like it is and have absolutely got it right!!

@Macncheeseballs

So you want racist people to say how they feel

I try not to hang around racist people. If they told me they were racist at least I'd know to avoid them!!

It happens because everyone is so afraid of offending people, we're not the most resilient bunch in England!

I have never felt more free and unburdened than when I learnt that it's actually ok to simply say "It's not my sort of thing so I won't be attending, but have fun!" to invites to things I'm not wanting to go to.
I also clearly state boundaries with work now too and its marvellous.

I was and still am to some extent a people pleaser, I was ground down, exhausted and broken until I realised that sometimes it's ok to be honest, there's a difference between being tactful and gentle with honesty and being outright rude though and that's also something people need to work on.