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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wish people could be more honest and accepting of honesty?

144 replies

LemonLemonLemon · 11/07/2021 18:53

I realise I’m not about to change society, but I wish it was more acceptable to be straight with people. Probably my pet hate is white lies to avoid a slightly upsetting truth.

For example, if a friend doesn’t want to meet with me because they’d rather spend the day relaxing, they should be able to tell me that and I should accept that and move on. I know for a fact that a lot of people would lie about this, or if they told the truth it would upset the other person.

Why can’t we tell someone if an outfit doesn’t suit their shape, or if they’ve upset us and why?

I’m not saying everyone suddenly needs to become rude and blunt, you can still be honest with tact.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 11/07/2021 19:57

"It simply wouldn't be possible to live in society if everyone told the truth all the time."

Dutch people manage.

Bunnyfuller · 11/07/2021 20:01

I hate the social niceties. I’m pretty sure I have ASD and tie myself in knots at things like ‘let’s meet up for coffee’ when they may well just mean ‘hello’ or even ‘oh god, how fast can I get away’.

It’s taken me years to not try to follow up on that ‘let’s meet’ or ‘yeah, I will text you…’

Even worse when I say ‘but you won’t, really, will you’. I have finally worked out 90% of the socialising is bs. My problem now is not clarifying that it is in fact bs. 😬😬😬😬

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/07/2021 20:07

Depends. If someone asks your opinion on their personal appearance, it's one thing but volunteering it is rude.

SGChome20 · 11/07/2021 20:12

@Thelazydog

Someone asked the other day if we wanted to meet up with their family, even though they're meant to be a) testing their coughing kids and/or b) self isolating... Instead of being able to say "no, that would be not allowed, and stupid...", I was tying myself in knots to find a way to get out of it that laid the blame on myself.

I so SO often wish I could even bring myself to say that something is inconvenient, but I'm so far from being able to be honest that I lie every time and totally disrupt my routines, and inconvenience myself by saying "oh anything is fine!"...

I hate myself...

;)

I’m like this. I truly wish I could be more frank with people because I always end up doing things I don’t want to to suit others. This is one of the reasons I actually enjoyed lockdown, there was no pressure for any of this kind of stuff.
letmethinkaboutitfornow · 11/07/2021 20:20

And in this country when you cannot even say the word ‘woman’ without someone attacking you! Try to tell them they screwed up the project, will just cause a mental breakdown for them! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lilypansy · 11/07/2021 20:23

It simply wouldn't be possible to live in society if everyone told the truth all the time."

Dutch people manage.
Really?Hmm

Killahangilion · 11/07/2021 20:32

Yes OP, you’re not wrong.

I disagree that a lie or omission is kinder than the truth. I think it’s more that people who tell these lies are terrified of not being liked or thought of as ‘a nice person’.

Why does it matter if some people decide they no longer like you? Are you still stuck in teen mode and desperate to be the popular kid?

I really hate it when other people expect you to know that saying ‘Hey let’s get together soon’ actually means ‘I’m not the slightest bit interested in meeting you for a coffee next week but rather than risk you not liking me, I will lie to your face’ and will do so with a fake smile too.

Grrr.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 11/07/2021 20:41

My friend who was here with work for a year made lovely friends. When she was leaving, she invited them to visit back in her country. After few months she reminded them and asked if they planned something yet. They were all gobsmacked that she meant it😂 They ended up visiting and really enjoyed it. Few traveled even for her wedding later!

SchrodingersImmigrant · 11/07/2021 20:44

All that said, I like UK. It's just these things which are adorable/annoying/ridiculous, all at the same time. 😁

Firingpingpongs · 11/07/2021 21:02

Oh this is a great thread. I can’t tolerate bullshit and am always honest if my opinion is asked and often I volunteer it on the basis that if I say what everyone else is thinking then I’m doing the person a favour. Wink

I’m not that bad I don’t think and my pals have always said that my straight talking is always welcome and a breath of fresh air.

I’m too old to care about sugar coating stuff.

notanothertakeaway · 11/07/2021 21:13

There's a lot to be said for direct communication, so long as it's polite eg I could meet you in the afternoon but not in the evening

Or, in my family, if there are 4 packets of crisps, we all say honestly which flavours we would like, and we do rock / paper / scissors to tell us who gets what

A lot of people on MN seem to make vague comments and expect everyone to second guess what they meant

imjustanerd · 11/07/2021 21:21

@IWantAllTheDogsInTheWorld

I agree, I've moved from "Up North" to the Southwest and noticed a big difference in the culture here. Where I am from if people aren't happy about something they will, as a general rule, tell you straight especially if you ask for an opinion. Here, I don't get an honest opinion but non-committal answers and I have to press most people to find out what they really want/feel. It's not dishonesty as such but a more polite answer/society which tries not to cause any offence but I find it really frustrating to deal with especially when time is of the essence. .
I could have written that, I feel exactly the same. I'm from up north and I really struggled moving to the south people just don't say how they feel.
PairOfPears · 11/07/2021 21:29

I think it’s fine to give your opinion tactfully, especially when asked, but that’s not the same thing as saying the truth, is it?

This all depends on context. I consider honest and direct feedback from my work superiors to be very useful but walking into the pub and my friend saying ‘that outfit doesn’t suit your shape’ isn’t helpful, isn’t kind and also isn’t an objective truth.

Macncheeseballs · 11/07/2021 21:30

So you want racist people to say how they feel

SchrodingersImmigrant · 11/07/2021 21:31

@Macncheeseballs

So you want racist people to say how they feel
Actually yes, in my case it would be xenophobic more though. I prefer people being cunts publicly so I could steer clear of them rather than them then doing "omg the bloody foreigners" behind close doors and me thinking they are ok-ish.
Lilypansy · 11/07/2021 21:37

All this reminds me of my late mother-in-law. She would never actually say what she wanted for Christmas. It was always, 'oh no, I don't really need slippers. No, don't get me chocolates, no, really, I've got plenty of cardigans .' You then had to make a choice, based on what she wanted -slippers, cardigan or chocolates; ideally all of them. Come Christmas Day she would be delighted with her presents.

Flgbusterhereagain · 11/07/2021 21:45

@Macncheeseballs

So you want racist people to say how they feel
Lol the racists I've encountered seem to have no problem saying how they feel tbh!
Onlinedilema · 11/07/2021 21:49

It depends doesn't it.
I'm not friends with any of the "We must meet up soon , but I don't really mean it brigade."
My friends and I are more of the, "Right, let's meet up for a few drinks, is anyone free this Thursday or Friday?" Type. Then whoever is free days so and a date is set and generally stuck to.
This always telling the truth business, can you imagine school staff?
Don't think parents would be happy to be honest to hear little Jonny crying Miss told me I can't be the narrator in the play because I can hardly string a sentence together.

TheFoundations · 11/07/2021 22:00

Being an honest communicator doesn't mean saying everything you feel all the time, regardless of other people's feelings. It means not misleading people. It's perfectly honest to withhold your opinion, if your opinion isn't required by anybody for a full understanding of the situation.

You don't have to go about spouting unpleasant things about people just because they come into your head.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 11/07/2021 22:02

@TheFoundations

Being an honest communicator doesn't mean saying everything you feel all the time, regardless of other people's feelings. It means not misleading people. It's perfectly honest to withhold your opinion, if your opinion isn't required by anybody for a full understanding of the situation.

You don't have to go about spouting unpleasant things about people just because they come into your head.

Absolutely
LockedFarAway · 11/07/2021 22:06

I can't agree more OP. I keep forgetting, they because I'm honest, other people won't necessarily be. It's a shock to me every time when it's someone I’ve let in to my inner circle.

Macncheeseballs · 11/07/2021 22:07

People who have no filter are not people I want to be around

Flgbusterhereagain · 11/07/2021 22:10

Neither to do I @Macncheeseballs but there is a big difference between saying whatever is in your head and being honest (kindly of course) in your interactions and opinions when asked.

TheFoundations · 11/07/2021 22:12

@Macncheeseballs

People who have no filter are not people I want to be around
Being honest and having no filter are not the same thing.
Macncheeseballs · 11/07/2021 22:13

I'm not sure being honest can always been done 'kindly', why hurt someone unnecessarily