AIBU to insist going home

[Tismyson]

Covid has caused havoc on our finances like many.
We moved overseas 3.5 years ago and had a kid 2 years ago in September.
My husband has expensive habits and hasnt earned anything much in 3 years.
We have money from my inheritance, what's left that we haven't spent.
My 21 month old son has not met anyone except his grandparents. My sister is having a baby in September and the other about to go thru a divorce. My brother van afford to visit in December and dad in February.
I'm desperate to put the flights on a credit card and just go. Its expensive when you add in looking after our house and dogs plus quarantine process and testing etc.
It might not be any better next year
We had originally said we would go back twice a year which got too expensive and we quickly changed that to 1 time a year for a month. Then we had kinda agreed to do 2 months next year coz of covid meaning we havent been back since May 2019

Now that we got both our covid vaccinations and this island is on the green list theres nothing stopping us, right?

I take it you are the only earner?

I get that you are desperate to get home. But if your finances are a mess and your husband doesn't work (why is that?), are you sure you want to make it worse for a trip home?

Its a case of weighing it up. In a couple of months when you are back home, will it feel worth it, faced with extra debt.

Are you asking should you move home? Yes
Are you asking should you spend money you don’t really have to visit home? NO!!! You should not risk your finances for a trip, even if it is to visit family.

I would charge one-way tickets for you and the kid back to your home, and stay there.

What expensive habits does dh have? I.hope these arent funded by your inheritance.?

Where overseas?

I earn 98%
I dont want to move home
Expensive habits weed and booze

I think the DH is your bigger problem...

But he doesn't work?

And since its been 3 years, it's not because of the pandemic or your child.

Why did you move abroad in the first place?

Your husband is an anchor around your neck. Cut him loose before he drowns you.

I know he needs to change. I cant make him
We have always said that what's his is mine and mine is his (I grew up with a step mum who always caused money fights).

You can leave him. If you were only supporting you and your child without the expensive habits, you would probably have the money to visit your family.

We have always said that what's his is mine and mine is his

Oh, I bet that suits him down to the ground

Are you having us on, OP?

I think you need to change your whats his is mine and mine is his approach, he’s taking a whats yours is mine full stop approach. Cut him off on the accounts, transfer to your name, set up a dd for a reasonable amount a month and that’s it. You will have to pay for food bills etc as you can’t give him access unfortunately. Then book your flights home.

*I know he needs to change. I cant make him,

Nope. YOU are the one who needs to change because he never will. You have to finally say you will no longer tolerate his bullshit. So long as you continue to be a doormat, he will drag you down. Get out before he ruins you.

That'll be a cocklodger you have there.

Jesus Christ are people really this irresponsible. You have a child.

Stop supporting his weed and booze habits. If he wants those things he gets a job

You can't make him change but you can change the situation by leaving him. It sounds like you would be a lot better off without him anyway.

Leaving aside the obvious DH issues, can you afford the flights and any tests that are needed without creating a credit card debt that will become a problem? Can you get travel insurance? Can you manage any last minute rule changes, eg new restrictions on re-entry from the U.K. to your island? And, even though both adults are vaccinated, it is possible that you could test positive before return (that is if you need negative tests to return), do you have contingency for that?

Basically it’s a risk vs benefit decision, taking into consideration that the risk for last minute problems is very much not negligible at the present time.

My XH had what I thought was a very minor weed habit. When I divorced him, I expected my budget to be very tight because I was now paying for the house entirely on my own, plus since I was the higher earner by far, I was paying some of his bills to help him transition. I also had to pay for a solicitor and that was not cheap. I found myself flush with money. My bank account went up and up. The only explanation was that his habits and the associated socializing had been costing me much more than I realized.

I dont want to leave him. I love him. He is a good man. He does need a kick up the arse and I've been a total doormat and indont know how to change it all.

@Tismyson
You change it all by cutting off his supply of funds.
Why doesn't he work? Is there a valid health reason (and I am hoping you are not going to say MH issues as they will be directly related to, or not at all helped by, his use of weed and booze.
How can you love and have respect for a man who is such a sponge. Please tell he me does all the childcare while you are out of the house earning.
If you are prepared to face the credit card debt following the holiday, I would definitely be going with the kids but without the husband. On no account leave him with access to cash to burn on his expensive habits. Your break away from him should indicate to him what an easy life he has with you funding him.

@Tismyson

I dont want to leave him. I love him. He is a good man. He does need a kick up the arse and I've been a total doormat and indont know how to change it all.

What a great guy. Doesn't work, drinks, smokes pot. 🤣🤣🤣 It has to be a joke

He’s not you know. Did you move to his home? This could cause problems with your child.

Is there any reason he doesn’t work? Does he do all childcare while you work?