AIBU to insist going home

[Tismyson]

Covid has caused havoc on our finances like many.
We moved overseas 3.5 years ago and had a kid 2 years ago in September.
My husband has expensive habits and hasnt earned anything much in 3 years.
We have money from my inheritance, what's left that we haven't spent.
My 21 month old son has not met anyone except his grandparents. My sister is having a baby in September and the other about to go thru a divorce. My brother van afford to visit in December and dad in February.
I'm desperate to put the flights on a credit card and just go. Its expensive when you add in looking after our house and dogs plus quarantine process and testing etc.
It might not be any better next year
We had originally said we would go back twice a year which got too expensive and we quickly changed that to 1 time a year for a month. Then we had kinda agreed to do 2 months next year coz of covid meaning we havent been back since May 2019

Now that we got both our covid vaccinations and this island is on the green list theres nothing stopping us, right?

[TatianaBis]

Why are you spending inheritance money rather than investing it and living on the yield?

I think you need to come home and get divorced.

[ColettesEarrings]

"Oh but I loooove him'

A drug addict and likely an alcoholic too? Can't roll my eyes hard enough...

Wise up, lawyer up, and get rid of his sorry arse.

[Chikapu]

@Tismyson

I dont want to leave him. I love him. He is a good man. He does need a kick up the arse and I've been a total doormat and indont know how to change it all.

He is a good man

Jesus, your standards are low. In what way is a good man?

[RampantIvy]

Why are you spending inheritance money rather than investing it and living on the yield?

Unless the inheritance is worth millions there is nowhere that offers enough interest to make this possible.

[VettiyaIruken]

What does he contribute to the relationship?
Since he barely works I assume he does most of the cleaning, cooks dinner, looks after the baby, all the sahp stuff and his drug and alcohol taking don't impede him in any way. If so, that's a valid and equal contribution (the sahp stuff, not the gulping your inheritance down his throat and the rolling and smoking it bit . If not, you're an idiot.

If he's so lovely, stop funding his drugs and booze and tell him to get a job. I'll make a book on how lovely he is then.

[Lalliella]

He’s spending your inheritance on booze and weed? You might love him but he has zero respect for you. Dump the bastard and go home.

[KarmaStar]

You can change by stop funding his drug taking.is he in charge of your dc whilst you are working whilst he is high?,drunk?you are paying for this so you are not helping anyone .
Put your dc first,above this man you say your love,but call your dc a kid.
Seek help from your family,you might be better off going home and starting a new life with your dc and dogs.
You can make changes,for a better life for both of you but you must be strong and clear headed.

[Brunandcroissant]

How about insist he contributes and stops the drug use (unlikely if this is his lifestyle). Because wherever you go with him in tow the problems will not go away.

[lastqueenofscotland]

A good man? The father of your child who barely provides and spends all the families money on drugs and booze… presumably meaning your DC miss out on certain things?
Jesus Christ your bar is so low it’s a tavern in hades.

[TatianaBis]

@RampantIvy

Why are you spending inheritance money rather than investing it and living on the yield?

Unless the inheritance is worth millions there is nowhere that offers enough interest to make this possible.

I didn’t mean living on the yield alone - I meant adding the interest/yield to the annual income rather than spending capital.

Plus investment brings greater yield than interest alone.

[Purplewithred]

He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. He is a cocklodger.

And I bet you haven’t challenged him on his habits because you know he won’t change and suspect he may get angry/upset/use emotional blackmail/leave for another rich woman.

You aren’t the first to be caught by a charming gold digger and you won’t be the last.

Do the right thing for your child and force the change, even if it means breaking up.

[SofiaMichelle]

He's a good man??? He sounds like the opposite of that to me.

Presumably the drug taking and excessive drinking only started after he became a father, not before?

[ravenmum]

@Tismyson

I earn 98%
I dont want to move home
Expensive habits weed and booze

Do you mean you want to go home on holiday, or you want to go home permanently even though you'd rather stay abroad?

If the children were born abroad and have their permanent residence there, it's unlikely that international law will allow you to move back without his consent.

If you want to go, then you'd have to persuade him that it's in his best interests for you all to move back. As you are the main earner, perhaps this is doable?

Sounds as if you are likely to break up soon or in the next few years. After that, if he is less easily persuaded, it would be harder to move countries with the children. You'd potentially be stuck wherever you were living at that point. Where would you rather be stuck?

[godmum56]

Is this a joke?

[diddl]

What about him is there for you to love him?

[Topseyt]

A good man wouldn't be pissing away your inheritance and wages on weed and booze.

You need to try and come home for good with your child - but without him. You'll need legal advice though as you could be caught out by the Hague Convention because your child is habitually resident where you are currently living. That means that you might need his permission to leave the country with your child.

You'll need to be honest with any solicitor you consult about the drug and alcohol abuse to see if there are any loopholes you can invoke because of it.

Please don't continue to be a doormat to be such a shit partner and father.

Do you seriously want your child to grow up seeing drug and alcohol abuse as normal? If you do then you are being very irresponsible and foolish.

[Quartz2208]

@Tismyson

I know he needs to change. I cant make him
We have always said that what's his is mine and mine is his (I grew up with a step mum who always caused money fights).

No you cant make him change - but you can change yourself and your behaviours and stop enabling him at the expense of you and your son

[FetchezLaVache]

If he's so lovely, stop funding his drugs and booze and tell him to get a job. I'll make a book on how lovely he is then

This, in spades.

I get that you love him, OP, but love's not the most important thing in a relationship - respect is. He may be showing you love but he's not showing you any respect. When If he doesn't change, the scales will eventually fall from your eyes and you will bitterly regret not heeding the advice on this thread.

[LagunaBubbles]

dont want to leave him. I love him. He is a good man

Oh aye a lazy pot smoking idiot who drinks to....what a peach of a man. Grow up.

[Ladylokidoki]

I hate the 'he is a good man' line.

Is he? What good men, don't earn money and then also bleed their wife dry? Bleed their savings dry? But them in a position where she can't even see her family, because all the money has gone on booze and weed.

Which good men put their booze and weed use in front of the their wife and child?

I said it earlier and I will say it again, Covid didn't financially ruin you. It may have had an impact on your finances but if your husband had, had a job for the last 3 years and didn't have a problem weed and drinking problem, the impact of covid wouldn't have been half as bad.

[Ellpellwood]

Oh dear. You can't afford to go home twice a year because he smokes and drinks all the money. You're a complete and utter mug.

[Shadedog]

He’s not a “good man”. Good men don’t piss their wife’s inheritance up the wall on weed. Good men with 21 month old children don’t do weed AT ALL. Good men who’s wives want to buy tickets home to visit their family don’t say “sorry, love, that will mean me having to stop pissing your money away and finding paid work.”. I mean, you’d help out a mate or a work colleague who had a small child and missed home, let alone a wife. You need to be the hero of your own life because you have saddled yourself with a dead weight who would barely hand you a glass of water if it meant putting his spliff down. Don’t wait for him to step up, there isn’t time.

[inappropriateraspberry]

What is there to stay for? Go home and stay there. You have a useless husband, no family. Do you have friends there or are you lonely as well?
He is not a good man - is he looking for a job or happy to stay home and spend your money on drugs?

[NewlyGranny]

Wherever you decide to travel or live, you need to take control of the finances before he dribbles everything away, don't you?

As you are the sole earner, you totally have that power and you need to wield it to protect your child and yourself. What's mine is yours etc only works if both parties are on the same page as far as financial responsibility goes and you two clearly aren't.

You won't turn into your stepmother; you are a different person. Take charge and put your earnings into a new account in your name only so he can't keep draining the resources. Protect what's left of your inheritance in the same way and add to it with savings. Only put enough into the current account to cover regular outgoings and expenses.

DH needs to be told his expensive habits need to be funded from his own earnings. You say he needs a kick up the backside; turning off the money tap will do it very effectively.

[Petalplucker]

"We have always said that what's his is mine and mine is his"

I agree with this approach but it is dependent on the two people in the relationship contributing equally, either by earning, or doing the equivalent with childcare and household chores.

Your op isnt very clear. Is your husband saying that it is too expensive for you to go home now, when he has not contributed?

Do you think subconsciously you might be desperate to go home because you will receive the support there from your close family that you are not receiving from your dh, and also being with them will give you strength to decide what to do for the best in future?