AIBU to insist going home

[Tismyson]

Covid has caused havoc on our finances like many.
We moved overseas 3.5 years ago and had a kid 2 years ago in September.
My husband has expensive habits and hasnt earned anything much in 3 years.
We have money from my inheritance, what's left that we haven't spent.
My 21 month old son has not met anyone except his grandparents. My sister is having a baby in September and the other about to go thru a divorce. My brother van afford to visit in December and dad in February.
I'm desperate to put the flights on a credit card and just go. Its expensive when you add in looking after our house and dogs plus quarantine process and testing etc.
It might not be any better next year
We had originally said we would go back twice a year which got too expensive and we quickly changed that to 1 time a year for a month. Then we had kinda agreed to do 2 months next year coz of covid meaning we havent been back since May 2019

Now that we got both our covid vaccinations and this island is on the green list theres nothing stopping us, right?

[BadBear]

@Tismyson there is no such thing as doormat people, only people who take advantage of others. Just because you're not challenging him, it doesn't mean that he shouldn't take a step back and think about how he can help his family.

In terms of the trip, I get it. I have not seen my parents in over a year because of this whole situation. I'd say go, it might remind you what it's like to be around a supportive family and give you the motivation to get rid of your husband.

[LalalalalalaLand123]

I think your problem is your DH, OP. You earn 98%? You're spending your inheritance? He has expensive habits? Ridiculous - he's NOT a good man, he's a user and he's taking you for a fool.

[FinallyHere]

He is a good man. He does need a kick up the arse

I'm very sorry to find out that you are in such a difficult position.

What is 'he' contributing to the relationship? It appears as if You are earning snd he is not, yet it is his expensive habits which are using up your spare cash.

That is not what I would call a good man who just needs a reminder to consider the needs of his family. It sounds like someone who would be a great husband and father if only he were different.

Your first step is to accept that you can only change yourself. And then decide what to do with the rest of your life.

Pushing the cocklodger out of his comfortable next seems like a key part of improving your life.

What is the point of living someone who treats you and your DC so very badly?

[Merryoldgoat]

Do what you like OP - you don’t want to make any sensible decisions so it doesn’t matter does it?

[gospelsinger]

We have always said that what's his is mine and mine is his

I have similar arrangement with DH, but he doesn't spend all the money on booze and weed.
Take control of the finances. Do not give him access to your inheritance. Work out your outgoings (without his 'leisure' money). If there is any money left over put some to save towards your flights and a modest amount to split evenly between you for your own spends. His share of this needs to be all he has access to atm until he can be more responsible.
Buy your flights when you have saved enough to pay for them.

[billy1966]

What a waster.

He saw you coming that's for sure.

Men like him love doormats and women with relationship bars so low they are on the floor.

He'll stay until you are of no more use to him or the money runs out, whichever comes first.

Poor child with a father like that.

[ursuslemonade]

Your bar is so low it's practically in the basement.

[massiveportion]

🤔

[thelegohooverer]

We have always said that what's his is mine and mine is his (I grew up with a step mum who always caused money fights)

I think this is the crux of your problem. You’re trying to fix your dps relationship through your own. Most of the problems in my marriage come back to this is one way or another. In fact, I’d say that a successful long term marriage is built on successfully exorcising these ghosts out of your marriage.

Having boundaries about money won’t turn you into your sm.

We have shared finances, and I’m a sahm, but that absolutely does not mean that I can piss dh’s paycheque away on drugs and booze. We don’t always agree on money matters but we do agree on that much.

[Adelais]

Why doesn’t he work? Does he do the childcare? Would it be easier for you both to find work if you move back home?

[Todayissunny]

I don't think many people on here really understand how it feels living in another country and not having the possibility to travel back to see family. I too haven't seen mine since Sept 2019 and it hurts.
OP, spend the money and go. It might be a while before it is possible for you to go again without quarantine.

You need to discuss your financial situation with your DH. Perhaps agree an allowance (which is what many SAHMs do) for his expensive habits or put money in a separate account every month to save for trips home. At the moment you are sacrificing too much.

[njg575]

Don't buy what you can't afford

[FortniteBoysMum]

What's his is yours and vice versa does not work when his not putting anything in to the kitty but is taking plenty out causing debts because his an addict. Tell him the money is stopping as your not funding his drink and drug habit. That money should be for your future not him to throw away. If he wants a habit he funds it by getting a job. Of course when he cannot hold the job down because of the habit the drugs will reduce. Your enabling his addictions which is making your life hell. Stop funding it.

[Tismyson]

Thanks... after almost so sleep last night I've mapped out what the new rules are. The problem has been the last few months I e been smoking weed with him

That's stopping today too.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

Don't let him be a cocklodger. You hold all the cards here.

[ColettesEarrings]

Well now that's a drip feed and a half, you're a stoner too! You have a child in the middle of all this, seize the moment as a wake up call - get clean and get out.

[Blossomtoes]

@Tismyson

I dont want to leave him. I love him. He is a good man. He does need a kick up the arse and I've been a total doormat and indont know how to change it all.

He’s not a good man. He’s contributing nothing and drinking your money and putting it up his nose. Good men don’t do this. Kick him out and sort your life out so you’re living the way you want to.

[Blossomtoes]

The nose reference is because I bet he’s doing coke as well.

[inappropriateraspberry]

So you both get stoned whilst responsible for a small child? With no other help/support if there was an emergency?
Poor child. Also, if you have some savings/inheritance, why do you need to use a credit card to book flights?

[Ladylokidoki]

Who is looking after the child while you both get stoned?

And before anyone starts the 'it's no worse than both parents drinking', we have a house rule, that when the kids are here, we don't both drink. In case of emergency. We would never both be pissed in charge of my kids.

Op, I don't feel you entirely honest here. Not sure if it's on purpose or not. Or if it's a wind up or not.

Not sure what the purpose of seeking advice is, if you aren't going to be honest.

[JustDanceAddict]

@Tismyson

Thanks... after almost so sleep last night I've mapped out what the new rules are. The problem has been the last few months I e been smoking weed with him

That's stopping today too.

You both need to stop, I hope that’s what you’re saying.

[ZooKeeper19]

Surely this is a wind up... surely. Two stoned parents with two year old? Living off inheritance on a holiday island? One of them just not bothered to even work? I mean...

[TurquoiseDragon]

@Tismyson

I earn 98%
I dont want to move home
Expensive habits weed and booze

So book yourself and DC a return flight, and save money by making his ticket one way.

[ScrollingLeaves]

“We have always said that what's his is mine and mine is his“

“We” may have said that. But the only thing of his he can give you is his weed and booze problem and debt.

[Ambo21]

Sweetheart you are being taken for a fool.
This is not a relationship with a man...he is a leech.
For the sake of your child you need to be an adult and get rid... because he is not going to change.. can you hand on heart say that he contributes anything positive.... no income but two addictions..
One of you needs to man up!