AIBU to insist going home

[Tismyson]

Covid has caused havoc on our finances like many.
We moved overseas 3.5 years ago and had a kid 2 years ago in September.
My husband has expensive habits and hasnt earned anything much in 3 years.
We have money from my inheritance, what's left that we haven't spent.
My 21 month old son has not met anyone except his grandparents. My sister is having a baby in September and the other about to go thru a divorce. My brother van afford to visit in December and dad in February.
I'm desperate to put the flights on a credit card and just go. Its expensive when you add in looking after our house and dogs plus quarantine process and testing etc.
It might not be any better next year
We had originally said we would go back twice a year which got too expensive and we quickly changed that to 1 time a year for a month. Then we had kinda agreed to do 2 months next year coz of covid meaning we havent been back since May 2019

Now that we got both our covid vaccinations and this island is on the green list theres nothing stopping us, right?

[Palaver1]

Your parent or parents worked hard and left you with a gift .
What have you done with it.
How unfair .
You have encouraged and accepted a person who does nothing and contributes nothing.
The only way you’ll understand what others are advising is if you run out of the money then you’ll understand the implication of what you have allowed.
Stay with him ,hopefully the money will run out soonest and then most likely you’ll be able to see and think clearly.
Good luck

[Onesnowynight]

He’s a great guy! Just keep telling yourself that.

[Ughmaybenot]

He’s not a good man, he’s a shit one, what a drain he is, financially and emotionally. You’re a fool if you stay with him.

[CiderJolly]

I hope I'm wrong but when your inheritance runs out I don't think he will stick around and without his unlimited source of free booze/weed you will see a different side to him (if you haven't already).

No 'nice' person would drain another person's bank like this let alone the mother of his children. That's not love for you or the kids, that's pure selfishness, laziness and greed. How can you respect him?

[bert3400]

I'm overseas as well and would definitely go. You don't know if new restrictions will start after the summer. If the islands you live on are on the green list and you've been vaccinated.... definitely go visit family, somethings are worth putting on a CC. I would leave your freeloading DH at home and tell him to look for a job....cause he's not contributing financially and that's not great

[ThinWomansBrain]

I know he needs to change. I cant make him
Leave (or get him to) stop funding the drugs and alcohol habits and he wall have fewer choices.

[1Endeavour2]

He's had nearly all your money?
What next? Pimping you? You're being pimped already
He's a parasite. This isn't love.
What about your responsibilities to your child?
Go home with your child. For good.

[MirandaBlu]

Do you have a family/household budget? Estimate the full cost of the trip and look at your options for paying for it. As it's not completely "essential", normally the first thing you'd do is reallocate money from other non-essential spending - e.g. "expensive habits". Then try to reduce costs on essentials, if you can. Then possibly look at one-time non-replenishable reources (like your inheritance) and as a last resort borrowing (e.g., credit card debt you won't pay off before it accrues interest). And if you're not already making and sticking to a budget, start - figure out where periodic trips home fall in your family's priorities and factor them in.

[thedarkling]

@Tismyson

I earn 98%
I dont want to move home
Expensive habits weed and booze

I think you know the answer...

[Mummyoflittledragon]

@Tismyson

I dont want to leave him. I love him. He is a good man. He does need a kick up the arse and I've been a total doormat and indont know how to change it all.

You can’t. Not if he doesn’t want to. The only person you can change is yourself.

You’re not being terribly clear btw. I think you mean to go home temporarily? People thought it was permanently. If he doesn’t want to come with you to visit home, he can stay, surely?

[lljkk]

Tell us how he is a good man, OP.
Does he clean house daily? Cook the meals? Sort the laundry, mind the kids while you work or go to gym, DIY maestro?

[Ladylokidoki]

I don't know what to say op.

You say you don't want to leave him.

But from what I can gather you moved abroad for him, he now doesn't work, you have also run almost out of money and you want to get into debt to come home.

So what happens when you can't afford this debt? Are you desperate to get back, not just because you want to see your family but because you want to be with people who support you?

From what I can see, covid hasn't caused you financial problems. Your dh has and while you might love him, he is putting weed and alcohol infront of you and your child's basic needs

Thats nor just a kick up the arsenal that he needs.

[KatherineSiena]

My heart sinks when I read yet another one of these threads where “he’s a good guy, a great dad and I love him” of a coke head who drinks and bleeds his wife dry. What’s the betting you do the bulk of the housework and childcare too. You say you share finances, no you don’t. He is helping himself to yours, your salary and your inheritance.

I suggest you and your DC come home, even temporarily, and get some distance between you. Also cut off his money source while you are away, he might then face up to actually getting a job to fund himself, like normal people do.

[Faevern]

In what way is he a good man? Good at smoking his way through your inheritance money and drinking your wages? Good at sitting at home stoned while you work to buy his drugs and alcohol? Good at providing for his family so that you can use your money to visit your family?

What’s yours is his and what’s his is yours .... except he has nothing 🤔

I take it this good man stays sober while providing all childcare and the house work and cooking while you work?

[Cherrysoup]

Do you want to permanently move home? It’ll be tricky if your dh doesn’t agree (can you take your child if he doesn’t agree?) but then how will he support himself if you go? Why on earth doesn’t he work?

[Leshan]

Oh dear.
You can't be this desperate for a man, can you?

[Echobelly]

Like @Faevern - I also wondered what the 'his' he is contributing was in 'What his is mine what's mine is his'.

[thinkingaboutLangCleg]

OP, he isn’t ‘a good man’. He lives off you at the expense of your and you child’s comfort and happiness. What happens when he’s finished spending your inherited money on his drugs?

[SengaMac]

You won't have any expense for looking after the house and dogs if ​you leave DH behind while you visit.
Of course, you should really sack him off altogether or severely reduce his access to money, at the very least.

[MadeOfStarStuff]

YABU to spend money you don’t have visiting.

YWNBU to ditch your useless DH and move back home.

[ScaredOfDinosaurs]

Honestly?

You earn the money so you do actually have options here.

Move the inheritance out of any shared accounts, get your salary paid into your own separate account. Pay bills directly yourself. Leave enough in the shared account to cover a small but reasonable allowance for him.

What would happen if you did that? Are you scared of his response?

On another level, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who you needed to treat that way to avoid him blowing through your inheritance? Its criminally stupid to pass money up the wall needlessly when you're unemployed and to do it when you have a child too is frankly disgusting.

I understand why you take the attitude to money that you do, based on family history but... it is not working for you. Your financial security and your child's future are being affected by your approach. If something isn't working, change it.

[AliceLivesHere]

@unstabletoddler

Jesus Christ are people really this irresponsible. You have a child.

Indeed.

One a useless idiot with a partner and child.

The other an idiot that maintains a useless idiot.

OP don't be that idiot. Sort your life out for the child if not for yourself. You don't need us to give you permission to life as you want to.

[RampantIvy]

Stop funding his habits for a start, and get your head out of the sand.

Was he like this when you decided to have a baby?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

You are being foolish.

[5zeds]

You are blowing your inheritance paying for a lifestyle you can’t afford. He is just reaping the benefits. You are the one spending.