To be desperate for 2 nights without my kids

[hcoe21]

I have a 6yo and 3yo and love spending time with them. However, I turned 40 this year...and all through the working FT and Homeschooling era thought to myself "I would love to get 2 nights away with OH when this is all over!". I was going to splash out on a bit of an extravagant hotel stay.

However, my mum is saying she won't have the kids 2 nights now. She said she's getting older and she thinks they will be a handful (which is understandable). I am really disappointed not to be able to get away. Yes I know its a privalidge, what I signed up for etc etc...when I had kids. But I would really love just a weekend of time JUST with my husband.

AIBU in general to want this? And more importantly - Any advice on if there is a way around this that anyone may have found when they don't have a parent who is able to have the children over night.

I am thinking who else could I ask. But I am not sure what is the done thing.

Ps. The reason I am looking at 2 nights is because a lot of places have 2 night minimum. Also, as I am splashing out, 1 night you just get afternoon - morning, and I wanted to make a day of it too.

You are definitely NBU in my opinion, I totally get the need for some adult time, it's important. Do you have anyone else close to you to ask, or ideally swap a favour with?

I agree 2 nights means that you have a morning to wake up where you have the whole day to yourselves! It’s like the Saturday morning feeling when you wake up and not only don’t have work that day but don’t have work the next day too.
We’ve not managed to do it the way you suggest but if you’ve got friends or family who would say yes then that’s fab. Go for it. I tend to go for 2 nights away with friends (or even on my own!) so DH has the kids and then we have our time together by taking a day off together when they’re at school or by getting a paid babysitter and going out in the evening. Hope you get your 2 nights away.

That must be so tough! Do you have any friends who could take them? Any other relatives - siblings, godparents, aunts, uncles? I don't suppose you could get away with dressing them up and sending them to a kennel?
I'm very lucky that my mum cannot get enough of my little beast so she's been taking him as much as she can - we found three nights when he was 20mo was too long, but other than that it's been great.
Good luck finding a solution - sorry I can't really help.

I think yes it's perfectly reasonable to want a weekend away, but you have to have childcare in place, obviously. I don't think it's a fair expectation for family to provide it. Why not look into a nanny or ask a friend? To be fair, dh and I don't really have any family at this point who can provide childcare. MIL has a health condition, which means it's not safe (she could lose consciousness and potentially die, so really can't be left alone - when she has in the past babysat, another family member had to come to 'babysit' her). I am NC with my family (for reasons that are serious enough that dc wouldn't be safe to be left unsupervised with them). Instead, dh and I go away separately - with friends or alone. There aren't other options. It's still wonderful though. I'm off on holiday while dh stays at home for 5 days later this month. It makes a huge difference to my mental health and I do it probably twice a year.

You are not being unreasonable to want time away from your children.
But I think you can’t expect your mum to provide cheap childcare.
Nannies will provide this service - self employed they will charge an hourly rate while children are awake £10 to £15 per hour depending on your area plus an overnight rate for when children are sleeping - this might be minimal wage rate or a set overnight fee as long as the total hour still stay above minimal wage.
In return you would need the nanny to show you photo ID, DBS , Paediatric First Aid and ideally have childcare qualifications. You should also speak to at least two referees.
The other option is to split the children between relatives and or split the nights between relatives.

Yanbu. But if this is something that you want to make happen then you're going to need to get a nanny - as you say you are splashing out so then there we go. Splash out on the nanny too. Because it might be too onerous for your parents and friends to have them for the 2 days.

You are not being unreasonable to want this but your mum is not unreasonable to say no to 2 nights. Could you at least drop them to hers for one night and book something like a local hotel for DH and you so not traveling involved?

YANBU! I am basically in the exact same position (age, kids ages and life) and I just need a break! My DM will often tell me how tired I look (thanks!) but she’s not keen to take them for an overnight for similar reasons to yours. I can see where she’s coming from, but it is only a couple of nights out of her year… would it work if you split them up and sent them to two different relatives? That’s what I have done on the few occasions we’ve managed to get away. We’ve no aunts/uncles that could help and most of my friends need a break themselves or aren’t child friendly.
We have a few teenage relatives who can babysit now, but obviously not for an overnight.

You're not being unreasonable. I have no tips though. We don't have family to have ours so we're just having to wait it out.
Maybe when they're older they'll go to sleepovers!

Probably easier to leave children with DH and go away with a friend

YANBU. I remember during the first, horrid lockdown my DM saying she didn’t think she could manage both kids staying at the same time, even for a night, and I just burst into tears. GPs are completely reasonable to say that, I know, but when it’s been such a long and difficult year it’s also not U to just want a day or two to recharge.

I think yes it's perfectly reasonable to want a weekend away, but you have to have childcare in place, obviously. I don't think it's a fair expectation for family to provide it.

This my SIL worked it by each grandparent having a night each. Is that an option?

Not unreasonable at all. Could any of your friends recommend a trustworthy babysitter? When I was in my 20s I looked after 3 small kids for a week while their parents went on holiday. Alternately, could your mum watch them for the first night and your husband leave early and watch them the second?

YANBU to want it but it is a huge ask and fair play to your mum acknowledging it would be too much for her. Do you have other friends or family to ask? You might have to return the favour.

Thanks all. I am sure there must be a solution...I musn't be the first person to struggle. I could split up and send to different people perhaps. If I was to look into a nanny...do they do 2 days? I have no experience of nannies whatsoever.

Surenly there's a gap in the market for sending kids to a 2 day camp :)

Reasonable to want this, of course.

Interesting that the person you’ve asked is your mum.

So: it’s the woman’s (your) responsibility to sort out childcare
From another woman (your mum)
And double whammy - it’s the mum’s mum, not even the dad’s mum.

So definitely not an unreasonable wish - but why not get their dad to ask his dad? Throw your net a bit wider!

Surely therez a gap in the market for sending kids to a 2 day camp

They're a bit young. For us it came when they were at District camp w cubs/scouts.

Not unreasonable to fancy it, but if family don’t want to provide it (totally fair enough)-you’d probably need to pay a lot for someone else to have them.

My mum was great and would babysit evenings and the odd overnight for a wedding or something but I’d never have asked her to knacker herself by doing two nights/days with my kids, just so I could have a break. They’re my kids.

Another suggestion... don’t restrict yourself to a weekend. If their grandfather has them on (say) a Tue/Wed, then school means there isn’t as much to do with the 6yo. And is your 3yo in pre-school?

Only works out easy if grandfather is retired though. But think more creatively than just weekends!

You're not unreasonable at all !

Do you have a friend with children and you can agree to help each other. She has yours then you have hers ? Saves £££ on a babysitter.

We're in the same position, but with 3 DC. I'm resigned to the fact that until the DC are more self sufficient and easier for grandparents to look after, we won't be having nights away with each other. We do go away with friends though, so get a break (just not with each other)! You can find hotels that have childcare clubs during the day and babysitting at night. Not quite the same, but you would get some together time.

Years ago there used to be a rather expensive children's hotel in London; a safe dumping ground for those who could afford it!
Not sure what happened to it - but what a brilliant idea!

My sister has 3 dc (10, 4 and 3). She splits them up as the 2 smallest are hard together. Usually I get one, my parents get one and her partners parents get one. Absolutely no issues, this way dsis gets her break and all the dc get some one on one attention.

If you have anyone else to ask, do this and have your break!

I've asked my Mum, as my Dad died. And my husband's parents are 400 miles away, and his mum has a medical condition. My mum is the only person who has babysat them, so that was my go to.

Yanbu to want this. My dc are 7 and 9 - dh and I have never been able to have a night away and I doubt we will until they are much older. When dd was born My dp said immediately they were too old to have her overnight, or even a few hours. My pil live far away and are not well. No other close relatives who are engaged with the kids.

It is hard and I didn't realise what a difference it would make until we had dc and saw other gp looking after their babies just a few months in.