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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be desperate for 2 nights without my kids

146 replies

hcoe21 · 11/06/2021 15:27

I have a 6yo and 3yo and love spending time with them. However, I turned 40 this year...and all through the working FT and Homeschooling era thought to myself "I would love to get 2 nights away with OH when this is all over!". I was going to splash out on a bit of an extravagant hotel stay.

However, my mum is saying she won't have the kids 2 nights now. She said she's getting older and she thinks they will be a handful (which is understandable). I am really disappointed not to be able to get away. Yes I know its a privalidge, what I signed up for etc etc...when I had kids. But I would really love just a weekend of time JUST with my husband.

AIBU in general to want this? And more importantly - Any advice on if there is a way around this that anyone may have found when they don't have a parent who is able to have the children over night.

I am thinking who else could I ask. But I am not sure what is the done thing.

Ps. The reason I am looking at 2 nights is because a lot of places have 2 night minimum. Also, as I am splashing out, 1 night you just get afternoon - morning, and I wanted to make a day of it too.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 11/06/2021 17:35

I’d either have a relaxing break away on my own and you’re DP can do another time or take a trip to see his parents for a couple days and then leave your DCs with them for a couple days.

Lemonwoe · 11/06/2021 18:03

Yanbu to want this. I absolutely do too. But, my mum couldn’t handle DS for two nights. And I don’t think our in laws could either (DFIL probably could, but DMIL is looking increasingly frail).

cadburyegg · 11/06/2021 18:26

YANBU to want this but I have a 3yo and 6yo too and they are hard work and difficult ages, the age gap is tricky at this age IME. It's not a comparable situation because I am a single parent and ex has them EOW. My mum helps during the week with pickups but I would not ask or expect her to have them for 2 nights. 1 night, maybe, in exceptional circumstances. 2 nights, only in an emergency and really ex should step in then. She finds them exhausting as much as she loves it and tbh I don't blame her - I find them hard work and I'm their mother!

motogogo · 11/06/2021 18:27

You aren't being unreasonable wanting to go away but you are to expect her to look after them, some grandparents do others never, their choice. Try to find a friend with kids who also wants to go away and trade. Or pay a sixth form/university student perhaps,

Lochelant · 11/06/2021 18:56

YANBU in the slightest. I completely get where you are coming from as I’m desperate for a couple of days away with my dh too. My DP (who aren’t quite 60 yet) have made it clear that they don’t do babysitting so I don’t ask anymore. What makes me laugh is they’re always going her and there eg meals out, weekends away, restaurants, which is far enough as they have no responsibilities, but then they’ll tell me, in detail, about it all and say oh you and (DH) would love it there you should go. I usually end up muttering something like how when we’ve got our ds. DM says oh you can go when you’re off work. But me and dh can rarely take annual leave at the same time only once a year when we take the kids on holiday. My eldest dc isn’t old enough to mind youngest dc and all of our friends are either busy, working, dealing with family issues, so I guess we will be waiting a long time until we go away. A nanny of babysitter is not something we will consider, not overnight anyway, so yeah we are pretty much stuck. I wfh in lockdown but dh didn’t so unlike a lot of other couples we got no extra time together. It’s been non stop and I’m exhausted. So yeah I really feel for you OP it’s rubbish.

BarbarianMum · 11/06/2021 22:09

@CovidCanFuckOff

Our parents will do overnights but grudgingly. And we've not asked for 2 nights yet... It's hard when you see grandparents who actually want to look after their grandkids. If my child has kids I will definitely be offering to take them so that the parents can have a break!!
You know, it's easy to say that sincerely when you are younger but you have no idea how you'll feel in 20 years, or what health problems you may have.
Castlepeak · 11/06/2021 22:31

There are definitely nannies that will cover weekends like this. The catch is the expense and leaving your kids with someone they don’t know. It works better when you have a pre-established relationship.

I know someone who leaves the kids with the grandparents, but hires childcare for during the day so the grandparents are only on duty for the evening and overnight.

maddening · 11/06/2021 23:20

Ask your mum that if you organise a sitter would she be there also to ease your mind re dc safety. If her concern is coping then having someone there to do the heavy lifting might help?

Fr0thandBubble · 12/06/2021 00:34

I think it's really selfish of your mum not to take them. The last 15 months have been a living hell for most parents - juggling working and homeschooling, with nowhere to go to entertain the children. I just don't get why a grandparent wouldn't want to give their child a break for a weekend. It just seems so mean.

Fr0thandBubble · 12/06/2021 00:36

And frankly, these types of grandparents shouldn't be expecting any help from their children when they're older.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2021 00:36

Just go on your own!!

IAmDaveTheSerialShagger · 12/06/2021 00:45

I imagine a lot of single parents feel the same way apart from me because I love my time with my kids.

RoomOfRequirement · 12/06/2021 00:46

It just boggles my mind that GPs don't WANT that long with their grandkids! I don't have any yet, but LOVE spending time with other babies and children in the family, babysitting and overnights!

I can understand it'd maybe be tedious or hard to commit as a regular occurrence, but a one off? I'd love it!

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 12/06/2021 01:01

Would a possible compromise be for your DM to have them but to hire a babysitter to help during the day? That would reduce the cost somewhat and your mum could go and have a nap/rest.

So your mum could have them Friday night, babysitter could come midday Saturday and wear them out until 6pm and then it's just dinner, bath and bed for your mum to do. And same on Sunday. Then you're only paying for 12 hours. Still pricey but cheaper than 24/7 care for a weekend.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2021 07:44

@RoomOfRequirement

It just boggles my mind that GPs don't WANT that long with their grandkids! I don't have any yet, but LOVE spending time with other babies and children in the family, babysitting and overnights!

I can understand it'd maybe be tedious or hard to commit as a regular occurrence, but a one off? I'd love it!

How old are you ATM? How fit? How well behaved are you imagining your grandkids to be? OPs mom is I assume somewhere between 60 and 80. The kids are 6 and 3, so at the lots of input and energy age. Nan said they're a handful so I'm assuming they're not the sit quietly in a corner reading type. She has a right to not want to have sole responsibility for hours. Doesn't mean she doesn't love them or doesn't want to see them.

MIL is nearly 70, she physically couldn't do my 6 yo and 18 mo twins alone

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/06/2021 07:52

Zero chance of a night away over here- my parents both dead, my husbands mum in Italy and useless anyway.

Tbh I think 3 is too young to impose on anyone, the energy is sky high at that age, might your mum think different in a few years?
Do people actually ask friends to do this? If a friend of mine asked me to looked after her two young kids for two nights I’d prob give the friendship some distance.

CMOTDibbler · 12/06/2021 07:54

This is why we didn't get a night away without Ds until he was old enough to be away with school/PGL - but unfortunatly these are usually weekdays so don't actually help that much. We've had 2 nights in 15 years away together - the cost of a sole care nanny for two nights and days is (quite rightly) astronomical.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/06/2021 07:59

Also I have nothing against babysitters and nannies etc but could you actually leave such young children with a stranger for two nights, could I leave my home with a stranger for two nights…Hmm

MachiaNelly · 12/06/2021 08:15

I know that it’s not only on mumsnet but amongst almost everyone I know doesn’t have grandparents doing overnights
I agree, it was pretty rare when mine were small as well. My children never stayed over with either set of grandparents. My mother never actually saw them without me there. I didn't expect her to. I think she just didn't have the confidence, or didn't want the responsibility. I had no issue with that. Her choice.

Thecatsawinner · 12/06/2021 08:25

Have one night and make the most of it?

hibbledibble · 12/06/2021 08:29

When your children are both over 7, you could send them to PGL for a week!

Currently though, your only option is a nanny is family aren't able and willing.

Nannies do overnight care and proxy parenting, but be prepared to pay a considerable amount.

MachiaNelly · 12/06/2021 08:31

If my child has kids I will definitely be offering to take them so that the parents can have a break!!

But it will depend on your age and state of health, surely. Nobody can make that statement with confidence.

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 12/06/2021 09:31

It’s sad that she can’t do it as a one off.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/06/2021 09:37

@Wheresmybiscuit3

It’s sad that she can’t do it as a one off.
Not really. They aren’t her responsibility and it’s not an emergency or illness situation. The OP simply wants a holiday without the children.
Howshouldibehave · 12/06/2021 09:46

@Wheresmybiscuit3

It’s sad that she can’t do it as a one off.
Why?

Nobody ever had me and my siblings so my parents could go on holiday. Nobody has had my kids so I could go on holiday. Well, DH did, so I went for a lovely night away with my friends.

If you decide you want a whole weekend away because lockdown has been hard (I think it has been hard for thousands of people!), then you are probably going to ha e to pay for it. My mum would babysit if we were going out for a meal and did overnight sometimes when it was a wedding away, but if I’d asked her to have them for two whole nights and days just so I could have a break, despite her saying it was too much for her, I would know I was taking the piss.