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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mums on mat leave with bottle fed babies...

205 replies

MsFrog · 12/05/2021 22:13

...do you do every night feed every night? I know different things work for different couples. Is it reasonable for one person to do all the night feeds? Is that a stupid question?

OP posts:
999Alex · 12/05/2021 22:15

When I was on May leave and he was working next day then yea I did them all. He'd help at wkends when he wasn't working (I know some guys that don't do any). When he was on paternity leave it was split 50/50 as was everything that needed done.

baldafrique · 12/05/2021 22:16

I will be doing all the nights feeds on mat leave as my partner will be working full time

Findahouse21 · 12/05/2021 22:16

We never crossed the bridge but I'd expect the stay at home parent to do 6 out of 7 nights per week generally, maybe working parent do a bottle at 6am and also do extra if baby is waking more than usual.

Ilkl · 12/05/2021 22:16

I did (baby sleeping through now) yes as DH was working so only seemed fair. He slept in the other room so he wasn't disturbed too.

There was the odd few nights where baby was particularly bad that DH came and helped out though.

moonlight1705 · 12/05/2021 22:19

I did most of them but since DH is an early riser anyway then he took over from 5.30am to give me two hours of solid sleep before heading to work.

JaffaRaf · 12/05/2021 22:20

DH was working full time but he generally still did atleast one a night.

PuddingJacker · 12/05/2021 22:22

I would expect that the person staying home on parental leave (whether mother or father) would do the night feeds. I'm sorry that this won't be the answer you were hoping for (and obviously doing the night feeds sucks) but, yeah, I think you're the one who should be doing it to be honest.

Original poster
MsFrog · 12/05/2021 22:22

Wow. I did every night feed for my first born (EBF) which led to me doing every wake up until I had DS2. Bottle feeding this time, and I guess I sort of thought doing the night feeds all week is fine, but maybe at the weekends it should be a bit more evenly split. Being at home all day with both kids doesn't feel like a holiday all week either... But these responses make me feel like I'm being unfair.

OP posts:
ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 12/05/2021 22:24

No, I'd expect my other half to do Friday and Saturday night, if he wasn't working the next morning. I'd also expect him to do the evening feeds before grown up bedtime.

Original poster
MsFrog · 12/05/2021 22:25

Yeah, DH sleeps in the other room as well, but if our two year old wakes then he'll sometimes we to him, but we split that more or less 50/50. I did night feeds when I went back to work 3 days a week with my first, so I know how hard it is working and being IP through the night. But no one works at the weekend. Do you all still do every free Fri and Sat nights?

OP posts:
NiceTwin · 12/05/2021 22:25

I did all, all week and weekends.
What he did though was the early feed in the morning. Sometimes baby would just go back to sleep so he'd pop in cot and go to work. That was greatly appreciated and worked for us.

Lindaloo08 · 12/05/2021 22:27

I did as much as I could but you are working as well, personally I would find it easier doing a night feed and going to work rather than being at home with the baby. He could do last feed and first and you do middle of the night. Don't underestimate your job just cos you're not going to the office.

BrilloSolar · 12/05/2021 22:27

I did, and now do again. I'm not working so we prioritise DH getting a good night's sleep. He then does all the driving if we go anywhere together as I feel safer that way, and he gives me time to nap in the days he's not working or at 5pm if I want to on his work days. He'll also cook all evening meals and go to the supermarket, etc, after work if needed. Weekends and evenings he'll take both DCs any time if I want a nap or just some time for anything for myself without kids. He does most bed times for the toddler. I'm 100% happy with this arrangement and feel 'equal', supported and cared for.

Its all about what works for you both, what you are happy with and how supported you feel in other areas of raising your child together.

FilthyforFirth · 12/05/2021 22:28

Wow, I'm in the minority but yes. I bf DS2 but DS1 was bottle fed and DH worked full time. He would do all feeds up to 1ish, I would go to bed around 8 to get some sleep in. I would then take over at 1/130.

Weekends were a night off each so ome parent did all of them so the other had an umiterrupted nights sleep.

hotcrossbun83 · 12/05/2021 22:28

DH often covered up to around 12pm so I could get an early night, then I took over and he got 12-6 as a solid block. In the early days I was literally awake that entire time (was prob bf’ing at that point though, can’t remember) but from about 2 months it was generally one wake up around 3-4am. Sometimes we switched at the weekend and he did the 3am but overall I found it easier to have the same sleep routine every night than be switching between early nights and staying up for the 11pm wake up

Original poster
MsFrog · 12/05/2021 22:29

Thanks @BrilloSolar I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I guess it doesn't matter what other people do, more wish works for us. Sometimes you just wonder if you are being unfair to consider asking something, though, don't you?

OP posts:
Original poster
MsFrog · 12/05/2021 22:30

Very interesting to hear what everyone does. Seems some people split it quite a bit...

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/05/2021 22:30

I really think he should be at least splitting the weekends. On many other threads I’ve seen that advice given overwhelmingly. You can’t have one partner ground into the ground while the other gets full night’s sleeps every night.

I would also say it’s a bit different on your second child, as you may not be able to sleep when the baby sleeps. It’s just as problematic for you to be ridiculously sleep deprived looking after children as for a DH to be sleep deprived at work.

And we’ve all had broken nights after returning to work and survived!

SoMuchForSummerLove · 12/05/2021 22:31

DH used to do any feeds between about 9pm and 1am every night so I could get a decent chunk of sleep. I went to bed early a lot! Grin

It worked for us as I'm an early riser and he is a night owl. Plus we each had a long lie at the weekend.

Sueaxlbrick · 12/05/2021 22:32

We worked out a routine where we both got enough sleep. I went up at about 9:00 and DH would stay up and then do the 11:00 feed before going to bed. I would then get up for the 3:00 feed after having about 6 hours sleep already. DH would then get up for work at 7:30 after having at least 7 hours sleep so we both got a good chunk of sleep that way. He is a heavy sleeper though and would sleep through any crying so it worked out better for us that way.

drugsdontwork · 12/05/2021 22:36

DH used to get the bottle and I used to do the feed. We've always pretty much done everything together. When one of us was struggling with lack of sleep the other would take over and let the other rest. We never slept in the spare room so when baby woke we both did. Looking back I don't know why we didn't make more use of the spare roomGrin

shouldistop · 12/05/2021 22:37

I'm breastfeeding my 5mo but every second night I express and my dh gives a bottle so I can have a full nights sleep in the spare room. I have a pre-schooler who is only in nursery part time and dh is working from home. He thinks I've got the harder job at the moment. That's the only feeds he does for him as I'm only willing to express so I can sleep Grin
Tbf the baby doesn't need a feed until about 5am and his wee noises while he's sleeping don't seem to bother dh so this way we both get enough sleep.

shouldistop · 12/05/2021 22:41

With ds1 I did every night feed except one weekend night. I wasn't able to breastfeed him and i think I struggled with sharing the feeding / guilt, plus lack of sleep was easier with only one baby at home.

user1471604848 · 12/05/2021 22:44

I'm a single mum of twins.
They're 14-months now, but when they were small I used to think that if I had had a partner, the fair thing to do would be to have one baby each, each night.
If I had only one baby and a partner, I think the fair thing is to alternate night on/night off, so at least you know every second night you'd get a full nights sleep.

Sleep deprivation is a killer, whether you're going out to work, or minding a baby.
I can't nap during the day, no matter how tired I am.
There is no way I'd accept doing all night wake ups and never getting a full night sleep, while with a partner who got a full nights sleep every night.

LouNatics · 12/05/2021 22:46

Lots of people work at the weekend! I did all the night feeds for my bottle fed baby and worked, I didn’t have a partner so I needed to feed the baby and work to feed myself!

For my breastfed babies I did have a partner, we would often do the split shifts as described above but again we would both usually be working at some point, unless you are meaning very new born. Main thing is, if I said I was knackered and needed some rest he’d try his best to make sure that happened and vice versa. I don’t think there needs to be rules or competitions around this. We’ve had some really nightmare sleepers for years and so many nights they required us both at various points and no one in the house could sleep through that racket.

What would you like to happen?