Mums on mat leave with bottle fed babies...

[MsFrog]

...do you do every night feed every night? I know different things work for different couples. Is it reasonable for one person to do all the night feeds? Is that a stupid question?

We actually split ours quite a lot. I had bad PND so sleep was really important for my recovery. We usually played it by ear, if DH had a busy day or lots of meetings the next day I would do all feeds. Similarly, if i was running on empty, he would take over all night so I could sleep. That said, he worked in an office job, so not a physical thing. Maybe it would be different if he was going to be on his feet all day.
I think you just have to find your groove as a couple. For us, bottle feeding worked because it meant that there wasn't every a 'primary' parent, we could both comfort and feed the baby depending on our circumstances.

My dh did his fair share despite working full time as he did shift work so it kind of made it a bit easier but also he was a father who wanted to spend time with his child during those precious, quiet moments and also he recognised not pulling his weight would not be an option. He knew how hard it was and wanted to support me in any way he could. He didn’t have a particularly taxing job at the time so his view was why should he get uninterrupted sleeps all week whilst I am a sleep deprived wreck?! He’s definitely awesome. Expect no less ladies.

He knew how hard it was and wanted to support me in any way he could. He didn’t have a particularly taxing job at the time so his view was why should he get uninterrupted sleeps all week whilst I am a sleep deprived wreck?! He’s definitely awesome. Expect no less ladies.

This is exactly the same as my husband. Having children made me realise just how lucky I am to have him as he’s so supportive and expects to parent 50%. He gets really annoyed if anyone implies he’s doing babysitting or helping me out.

If the dad is working 5 days then I think the mum should do those 5 nights plus one at the weekend. Dad does one. Then each gets one day off.

Wow, thanks for all the responses. I'm not sure how to go forward, because I think I'm getting a bit resentful. I had gastro a few weeks ago, and I still put the baby down and did all the night feeds, despite being a wreck and not being able to eat anything hardly for 4 days. There wasn't even any discussion that he might do a night. I know I could have brought it up, but sometimes it's hard to know what's reasonable when you're not working.

Seeing how other people do it, I feel a bit more "allowed" to ask for some sort of help, even just one night a week.

DH works from home, office type job. His job can be stressful and long hours, but sometimes it's easier. The other day he said he'd had a half hour nap on the sofa when he'd been feeling poorly, and I think that has sparked something in me. My 2 year old doesn't nap, so I don't get any breaks through the day, and I suddenly just felt a bit put out... I feel pathetic posting on Mumsnet instead of talking to him, but I just wanted to get an idea of what's "normal" expectations, if such a thing exists.

I dont get the mumsnet attitude that a dad cant possibly get less than the full 8 hours sleep when he is going to his important work the next day, but it's fine for the mum to run herself ragged and have chronic sleep deprivation while looking after a toddler and newborn and driving children around etc.

If you have a newborn you expect to be tired, even when you're working! Unless you're maybe a brain surgeon or an air traffic controller most jobs can still be done when you're a bit tired. I think the parent on leave should do the majority but not to the point of making themselves ill so the parent working can have the same sleep as before.

The workinf parent can change their sleep patterns a bit eg go to bed later or get up earlier to do one of the late or early feeds and still get a decent amount of sleep.

And then they should definitely do their share at the weekends, I dont see any reason not to.

Sleep deprivation has so many physical emotional and metal effects its simply not fair to put all that on one person

My DH used to do the 10pm and 1am/2am feed and I used to have a night in the spare room on Friday or Saturday night so I wasn't disturbed at all. He'd have the other night plus Sunday night in the spare room.

DS woke regularly every 3 hours, sometimes less. I'd go to bed at 9pm so I'd get a full 7 hours sleep. DH used to walk to the station then an hour's commute on the train. His view was he could catch up on sleep on the train and his was an office based, relatively straight forward job. What he didn't want was me half a sleep when I was with DS.

No my DH and I split them fairly evenly. Yes he had work the next day, but it's not like he's a brain surgeon or something. I didn't get to sit at home and nap all day.

He should be up every night to do at least 1, in my opinion. Plus gets him ready to do it more as required when/if you return to work.

I breastfed both of mine and had one average and one completely shit sleeper. My husband still got up with them in the night to help settle them when they just wouldnt go back down, he often took them out a walk in the middle of the night! And got up very early to take them so I could get an extra couple of hours.

I think its shit if your husband could take time off work for illness but expects you to be on duty 24 7 it's horrible that he didnt offer to do night feeds. When I've been ill, other family members like my parents have offered to stay with me and help with night feeds so I think it's horrible your husband expects to have a lovely long sleep while you get interrupted sleep while feeling dreadful

I did them until 5am then DH would get up and take DD for a couple of hours so I could sleep. He'd usually come and get me at 7/8 then head off to work. It helped me get through the night knowing I would at least get that 2 hour block of sleep at the end of it.

DH is a night owl and I'm an early bird.

When DS was a baby he would have a feed around midnight to 1am and then again around five am.

I did try and do the midnight feeds initially but it was almost impossible. I was so tired, I'd struggle to stay awake and quite often I'd sleep through DS cries whereas DH would wake (or still be awake) every time and help me set up the bottle etc.

Whereas he would sleep through the 5am feed being completely oblivious to it all and I'd be wide awake.

So in the end he ended up doing the late feed and I did the early morning one.

I've since got a Fitbit and it has shown that the midnight hour is when I'm in my most deepest sleep. I never really stood a chance.

Even now, 9 years and a second DC later, DH is still the one who gets up in the middle of the night to attend to bad dreams, lost teddies etc whilst I'm comatose, and I'm still the one who gets up at the crack of dawn with them.

You need to find a solution that works for both of you, otherwise it's just going to breed resentment.

I had twins so there was very little sleep to be had when on bottle duty. DH did a 4 day week for the first 3 months and did 3 nights, I did 4.

I don't think that a partner's full time job necessarily trumps having to look after a baby. It depends very much on the baby. If the baby naps well, if it's a first baby, possibly you can catch up on sleep during the day. If your partner's job is precarious or they're working with heavy machinery or something, maybe it's better to make the sacrifice and guarantee them a good sleep during the week. But even in those situations, the weekend nights should be up for grabs. You're still a human being, you still need your sleep as much as anyone else!

He’d do anything between 9pm-midnight if he was working the next day, and quite often a very early one.

For the first 3 months baby would wake up around 3/4am which I done the feeds, my partner would do the 7am feed before work so I could sleep

@Lalliella

If the dad is working 5 days then I think the mum should do those 5 nights plus one at the weekend. Dad does one. Then each gets one day off.

No. He gets 6 nights off and she gets 1! Not fair at all.

No, we shared nights, every night, no matter who had work the next day.

You are not being unreasonable. The gastro situation, my DH would have had x2 considerations, 1. His wife was ill and needed rest. 2. Was his DC in danger by his ill wife caring for them.

You need to have a chat, what is DH like otherwise? Does his share of housework? Shared finances? Or is this one bit of a bigger issue?

He is fantastic in every other respect. There's just something about the baby and the night feeds that he shrinks away from. I don't know if it's confidence or selfishness or something else, but he just gets really down and stressed when he's involved at night.

We had a system that worked perfectly for us. DP would do a bottle before we settled down for some TV around 9. I'd do all the night feeds up to 6am, then he was on. Even if it was one minute either way we would stick to the schedule. He left for for work at 7.45 so would look after babies, prepare the bottles, bring me a coffee and drop baby into bed with me with a bottle made up. Myself and baby would have cuddles in bed, usually a little lie-in after her bottle. Then we would get up and wander about the neighbourhood for the day. On the weekends we would swap for one of the nights.

I absolutely loved maternity leave.

However we had the easiest baby on the planet. She only woke every four hours, sometimes six. She never had any digestion issues and was easily soothed.

So in short it was nothing to do with our amazing system, we just got very very lucky. If I had been sleep deprived and stressed out i don't know how we would have managed.

OP, I just read all your posts. Of course you need to talk to your partner. You shouldn't feel like you can't ask for help. You said he's fantastic so tell him you're struggling.

I done all the night feeds and he done the early morning one (usually half 5ish) before he went to work as my little one even though she was bottle fed liked little and often (this seemed to continue from breastfeeding). After a few weeks when the feeds were more spaced out I done them all.

PuddingJacker

I would expect that the person staying home on parental leave (whether mother or father) would do the night feeds. I'm sorry that this won't be the answer you were hoping for (and obviously doing the night feeds sucks) but, yeah, I think you're the one who should be doing it to be honest.“

Why, both are “working”, just one is doing it at home?
The consequences of a mistake because of over-tiredness could be much more serious to the parent looking after the baby than the one working in lots of roles outside of the home.
The parent working outside should at the least take night feeds when they’re not working the next day.

It depends what works for your family. My husband naturally stays up late so he would do say the 10pm and 12am feeds while I slept, then put baby to bed and I'd take over whenever the next feed was so I had a chunk of sleep earlier and he'll have his before getting up for work x