Mums on mat leave with bottle fed babies...

[MsFrog]

...do you do every night feed every night? I know different things work for different couples. Is it reasonable for one person to do all the night feeds? Is that a stupid question?

I think I might have been quite lucky here but me and DP used to split the night and then when night feeds got less frequent we took alternate nights and still do. It meant we each got a full night sleep after a waking night and we both got enough sleep to survive/function in our respective roles! I was talking to DP about this the other day as I have a friend who's husband does FA and never has done, and he said that looking after the baby all day on no sleep is just as hard as working all day. I guess it does depend what job you do though, his is office based, low responsibility.

@MsFrog

He is fantastic in every other respect. There's just something about the baby and the night feeds that he shrinks away from. I don't know if it's confidence or selfishness or something else, but he just gets really down and stressed when he's involved at night.

No shit 🙄 it’s nothing to do with confidence and everything to do with the fact that being woken up at night is awful.

I think n you should ask him to do more. Agree with a PP that it’s also harden when you already have a toddler at home.

We did alternate nights. A full sleep every other night kept us both reasonably sane.

I did 90% of night feeds for both my babies even at weekends. Some weeks I was on my knees with exhaustion but my DP always made out he had it worse. I dont know how. One of my children particularly was an extremely bad sleeper and I often got less than an hours sleep a night. My advice would be to communicate about what works and what doesn't work because it was this issue that was a major contributor to the end of our relationship.

No. I EBF for several months but need get up and do nappies during that time.

Once I mix fed, my wonderful DH split the nights with me (we each had a period 'on duty' where we'd be the designated person to get up and feed DC if needed) unless he had a really big meeting or similar the following day, in which case he'd sleep in another room. He also gave me the odd 'night off' to sleep in another room.

I don't cope at all well on little sleep while he's much more of a trooper, and anyway wanted to parent his child 50/50 as far as reasonable.

My two are adopted but were with us young enough to need night feeds. We shared them even when DH was working. Usually so that one person did evening and the other did 4 am having gone to bed a bit early.

MsFrog Your experience of your H not doing night parenting, and you even being unwell with a gastro bug and still doing all the nights is sad, and it’s understandable you’re angry.

These things can be an eye opener. His behaviour reveals that, in order to get good sleep and feel well himself, he is OK with you becoming exhausted and not getting rest when unwell.

Your H ‘not helping’ at night isn’t ‘not helping’, it’s opting out of part of parenting.

He has a standard kind of office job, and is wfh!

However great he is in other ways, he has let you and your DC down on this.

You have had a long time of doing way more than your fair share. Please prioritise YOUR health and wellbeing. Do things that will help with that, including changing your - currently too low - expectations of your H

Getting up at night with the baby, including feeds, should be shared if possible unless lives depend on the worker getting 8hrs. Chronic and severe sleep deprivation is flat out dangerous and it is irresponsible and selfish of the one working to just leave the one on leave to deal with the nights by themselves. The one on leave can't always just "catch up" during the day - I never did, first was refluxy and never slept, then I had toddlers as well as the baby. Nearly set our house on fire once due to sleep deprivation. And I shudder to think of how many times I shouldn't have been driving in that state but had to (eg taking kids to drs, older ones to school). I thought I could do it all, but wised up fast once I realized sleep isn't some nice thing you can just do without, especially when a baby's life depends on you being able to care for them properly. DH and I split the load as much as we could. Felt awful for my SIL whose DH refused to help cos he was working, she was so sleep deprived she couldn't actually stay awake during feeds and fell asleep with baby several times in positions that could have had tragic consequences. She described it like looking after a baby while drugged. It's not ok. You both made the baby, you both deal with the consequences. IMO anyway.

Thanks for all the support, everyone, I feel more empowered to talk about what I need from DH. I think I am much more mindful of him being ok, and I worry that his mood will become low if he gets tired. But I agree with PPs who say he should also be thinking of me this way and we should find some compromise. It's been really eye opening to see how much other people's partners do

My husband did Fridays and Saturdays. I did any night he had to work the next day. When we’ve both returned to work we shared night wakes when they happened. She usually sleeps well so it’s not too much of an issue.

Regardless of who is working me and my husband have always took turns to do the evening feeds op it’s what works best for you both, I was a stay at home mum and my husband worked 50/60 hour weeks but still did the 5am feed because I’m his words I had the kids all day and it’s hard work! I love the Mann🥰

Sometimes we would also do alternate nights etc which also worked well

@MsFrog

Thanks for all the support, everyone, I feel more empowered to talk about what I need from DH. I think I am much more mindful of him being ok, and I worry that his mood will become low if he gets tired. But I agree with PPs who say he should also be thinking of me this way and we should find some compromise. It's been really eye opening to see how much other people's partners do

He really should be worrying whether you’re ok. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason. It’s brutal! Nobody’s partner should be allowing them to get to this and I would be reconsidering my relationship with DH if he deemed himself more worthy of uninterrupted sleep. He’s not a surgeon or pilot or HGV driver so being a bit tired won’t be a life and death situation.

Your husband is lazy at night. Mine worked mon-fri 9-5 pretty much. I did the overnights Sunday to Thursday, and he would do any early mornings from half 5ish. We each took a turn having a night and morning off Friday night/Saturday morning and Saturday night/Sunday morning. 2 kids, 18 months apart. Both bottle fed from 8 weeks. Fair all round for everyone

I actually dont think the fact you work is an excuse to get out of doing all night feeds.

me and my partner used to do shift work - he would have our daughter until half 12/1 then we would swap and I would be on "duty" if you like until he got up at 6. yeah, we both only used to get 5ish hours but for life with a newborn that was the way it was.

my partner was used to only having about 6 hours a night anyway though - very early job and used to stay up late too.

I do (did). Currently on mat leave and did all night feeds in the early days. My husband works long hours operating machinery and also has a long commute. I think it's safer for me to do them than risk him being overtired and having an accident.

Luckily both our boys slept through fairly early on so it worked for us.

When DH was on his paternity leave we split it. When he went back to work we did shifts so I'd go to bed about 8/9 - hed stay up with her till about 12 and then bring her to me, I'd do any wake ups between 12 and 6, hed do first bottle and change at 6 ish giving me another hour or so to either try and sleep or jump in the shower before he started work.

As wake ups became less frequent just one or two a night I'd do them all, he always offered to do weekends but I'm my own worst enemy really couldn't 'let go' enough to sleep in the other room and leave them to it, so I just.did it. She doesn't wake for feeds anymore but I do other night wakings eg she's been poorly these last few weeks- the deal is I get weekend lie ins whilst he brings her downstairs. Also we have an elderly dog who needs to go for a wee at some point during most nights and that's his job to deal with.

I did most of the getting up during the night, but he did the midnight(ish) feed so I could go to bed early.

If I was really struggling he'd take a turn during the night too, usually at weekends.

We’ve tried a few different ways including my husband sleeping in the spare room and him covering the whole night occasionally when I got run down. Current approach that’s working well is, I go to bed around 9, Husband does the 10-11ish feed then they both come up. I do the 2-3 feed and then husband gets up for work and makes the bottle for the 6am feed so I can feed her in bed

Christ OP, he is a piece of work that has done a number on you!

He gets stressed and low when he has to help out with feeds.

He allowed you to continue to do it all whilst you were on your knees with gastro????

Unbelievable.

No wonder you are feeling resentful.

He is extremely selfish.

The gastro experience should surely tell you that.

There is something about how a man behaves when his children are very young that goes to the core of his character.

Yours is a selfish arse.

I hope your contraception is sorted because his priority is himself.

Not you, not his very young children.

Himself.

Protect yourself.

His behaviour when you were so ill was appalling.

Don't allow anyone, much less him, convince you otherwise.

Get a night nanny - that's what we have done. Absolute bliss.

@GordonsAliveAndEatsPies

Get a night nanny - that's what we have done. Absolute bliss.

Yes, because that’s an easily affordable option for most people....

And doesn’t address the fact the OP lives with a man who didn’t even pitch in when she was ill with gastro

Husband does and did all night feeds as I am pumping. I do the occasional if I happen to be up. I'm lucky as he's not only a night owl but the kindest person alive and hates me being sleep deprived (I need loads of sleep and cant cope well without).

My OH does the nappy change whilst I prep the bottle
LO can be changed , fed & winded & back to sleep in 15 mins with both of us pitching in

OH is a light sleeper tho so would wake up to LO crying even if he slept in the spare room
Different things work for different people