Mums on mat leave with bottle fed babies...

[MsFrog]

...do you do every night feed every night? I know different things work for different couples. Is it reasonable for one person to do all the night feeds? Is that a stupid question?

My DD2 is currently BF a newborn (3 weeks old) and also expressing.. her dh works shifts but he tends to go to bed late so he does a last expressed feed at about 1am and she goes to bed about 11 or 12 (feed dependent) so she can get a couple of solid hours, then she takes over and he gets the rest of the night before work...in the spare room if it's a rough night! When he's not working he will do an extra feed and absolutely his fair share of pacing with baby if he's unsettled. He also does the cooking as he likes cooking and DD2 doesn't. She does most of the housework, but tbh they are both just staggering through at the moment... loving it but equally knackered!

I always used to do the first two feeds. On the odd occasion they needed a third my DH would get up and do it

What do you mean by night feeds though?

I breastfed, but my daughter would not sleep, at least not in a way that meant I could, I was often up with her all night. So DH, who worked, would often sit rocking her (she could often sleep in his arms), let me sleep till 12.30/1, then hand her over, then sometimes get up at 6.30 so I could get a couple of hours before he went to work. It wasn't all the time, but some nights the only sleep I got were 9pm-midnight then 6.30-8.30am.

I think being on mat leave can be gruelling, and it only works with a young baby if both partners are giving everything they can. That doesn't necessarily mean a 50/50 split, and if someone was doing brain surgery the next day then yes they need 8 hours, but if its a situation where he gets 9 uninterrupted hours of sleep and you haven't spelt for more than 3 hours since the baby was born then work or no work you need to adjust that balance. My partner did as much for me as he could while ensuring he got enough rest to be able to do his job. But he knew that meant he should be aiming for the minimum amount of sleep needed to do his job, not using the fact he was working to take the piss.

Can I ask how old your little one is? Mine is bottle fed (formula) and has slept through from about 7 weeks, apparently this is quite common for formula babies. (So wondered if yours is still tiny, they might start to sleep through soon)
But when we were doing night feeds, I did them as husband works FT Mon - Fri and he would then do Fri and poss Sat night depending how tired I was. He did also offer to do weeknights but I insisted as I could sleep in the day if needed whereas he couldn't.

We’ve always shared night feeds and this thread is making me think I should have been doing it all! It’s just the way we’ve done it as DH was off on furlough when DS was born and didn’t return to work until he was about 10 weeks old. We just take it in turns through the night; some nights DS might only wake once and other nights it’s 4 or 5 times, but usually it’s twice so we just do one feed each.
DH is not a morning person though and generally works a 10-5ish shift so I’ve always got up for the day early with DS and let DH sleep in until whatever time he wants on his workdays. Usually that means I’m up for the day from 6.30am and DH sleeps til 8am. It works fine for both of us, yes we are both tired but DH appreciates that looking after DS is a pretty full on job (he started crawling and climbing at 6 months so needs a lot of supervision!). If he ever said he thought it was unfair we could have a rethink.

We have always alternated the feeds regardless of mat leave or who is working. My husband kicked off a bit at the beginning as it seems a majority of dads don't do night feeds if mum off on mat leave so I think he had it in his head that he was doing me a huge favour but we've always done it that way and did for both kids.

If you're absolutely exhausted while he is getting a full nights sleep it will build resentment very quickly. I always find it much easier to go to work after a rough night and have a coffee if I need it to get me through rather than spend all day taking care of young children. Being at home is not the easier option, otherwise all the dads would do it!

@StillMedusa - I saw your previous thread. So happy to read they are doing well!

I did. It meant he was more helpful in the morning before work having not been awake in the night. And I was on mat leave, he at work. When I was back to work we shared night waking duties 50/50 although there were very few by then.

I did it all. I found my bottle fed baby slept for a lot longer between feeds than my breastfed babies. Every feed would take a lot longer as well though so it evened out.

DH stayed up and did the 11.30pm feed, I went to bed earlier. Then Sunday-Thursday I did all night feeds and wakings.

Then one week he’d do then both Friday and Saturday and the next week he’d do Friday and I’d do Saturday.

My dh and i split it 50/50. All 3 babies and they were all bottle fed. I was working all day too as far as i was concerned. I was probably a bit too militant about it, looking back.

With ds1 I did every night feed except one weekend night. I wasn't able to breastfeed him and i think I struggled with sharing the feeding / guilt

This was also a factor for me, being told I wasn’t going to bond as well as a bf mother made me so determined to do everything myself

Been a few years since I was in that position but with our first I did 6/7 nights at the beginning, he did one at the weekend and we both had a lie in one day at the weekend. After a few weeks it changed to him doing both weekend nights and having a lie in because I struggled a lot more with the broken sleep. He chipped in if I was struggling but he was a great baby and didn't really cause much of an issue. He was sleeping through from 4 months so after that there were no night feeds.

Second baby was a major issue, very unsettled so I struggled big time which meant my husband was having to get up in the night or get up earlier than he would. After a couple of months he ended up doing the weekday night feeds and I did the weekend ones because again broken sleep was causing me issues, my husband could sleep through any stirring and almost instantly go back to sleep after a feed. I think me and the baby were just waking each other up, he would stir, I would wake up and get anxious causing him to wake up more and it was just a cycle of wake-ups.

I insisted on some input from the beginning, no way was I doing everything just because I didn't work. We came to an arrangement that felt fair on both of us and would again in the event hell freezes over and we have another baby.

He did either the 11pm/midnight one, or the 6am-ish one so I had a decent stretch of unbroken sleep at one end of the night and he still got 6+ hours.

I did the majority but my husband would always be willing to do more. Certainly he did the weekends.

If they were ill we did shifts.

Once I was back at work it was all split.

I breastfed but I had a velcro baby who wouldn't be put down so my husband and I took turns in the night to hold him. I personally think it's fair to have equal sleep, unless the one with the job is doing something dangerous.

I didn't do them all no. DH used to do about a third to half depending on how tired he was.

Yes, all night feeds always, all three babies. Breast and bottle mix. Simpler that way.

I think if you have a baby that wakes up once or twice in the night then probably most should be done by the at home parent. Weekends should be split. If you have a chronic crier than all bets are off and you do what ever works to keep you all sane.

We did them all 50/50.

However, I’m now realising I was a mug, as from 8 weeks I was the full time worker and DH was the stay at home parent.

With my eldest my husband did them if he was off the next day. With my youngest I did them all. I liked doing them as it was the only time I had on my own with him.

I am in the minority it seems we had a baby who was up a lot over night. Dh did any wakes up before 3am and I did any wake ups after 3am. I went to bed at 9pm and was asleep for 10pm so had at least 5 hours solid sleep a night. Dh had only around 4 hours guaranteed uninterrupted. It worked for us because dh has never been an earlier bedder and will stay up til 1am through choice so it was only an extra few hours. And I seem to need more sleep than him. He is fine on a few hours I am a zombie. Looking after a baby all day is hard on little sleep too as is working. It worked for us. Anyone can do a few nights broken sleep but weeks and months is hard. I could not have copied without help tbh

Never did them all through the night. It varied from day to day. If I was tired DH would do it, if I wasn’t I would. DH would get up an hour earlier when working so I could sleep, or I’d go to bed early and he’d do the late night feed before going to bed. If he was tired I’d let him sleep. We gave and took, there was never a you have to do this position, still isn’t. Our youngest regularly wakes up for a night bottle at 3yo, it’s who ever is awake that gets it and 9 out of 10 times it’s DH as he’s a lighter sleeper than me.

It’s the same when the DCs are ill, we just get up, there is never a it’s your turn except when vomit and diarrhoea involved then it’s 100% a two man job, DH generally dose clean up and I do showers and cuddles.

The last feed DH did when DS was little was the 12am feed on weekdays. I went to bed and slept from 7-8pm and he came and woke me after the midnight feed. He went to sleep in the spare room and I settled DS and did the 4am, then 8am feeds. The only exception was when DS was sick and we weren't getting any sleep!

On weekends he'd settle DS after the 12am feed without waking me and we took in turns who got up in the morning.