We're you on the fence about kids but still had them?

[hellokitme]

Inspired in part by another thread but wanted to ask;

If you were on the fence about kids or not stereotypically 'maternal'/always wanted them - how did it turn out for you?

Best or worst decision you made?

From being a teenager I said I didn’t want children. DH said when he married me, he did so knowing I might not want to. But something about getting married made me want to. Best decision ever. We have two DC now. It’s bloody hard at times, they’re pretty lively and big personalities! Life is obviously harder with kids. But I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Really interested in this. I’m 29 and just don’t have any interest in kids. I love my life and the freedom I have. I always thought I’d change my mind as I got older but I haven’t.

However, I am worried that I might at some point regret not having them and by that time it might be too late. Plus DP would be the most incredible dad and although he’s always said it would be fine if I said no, I know deep down he really wants them.

Glad it worked out for you. I've been on the fence for years and similar as a young girl thought - why would anyone do that lol. I'm now 35 and TTC. Not thrilled about it and still a bit worried but think (hope) I've made the right decision if it happens! Just thought curious to know how it went for others.

Same as @mnahmnah I didn't want them, DH convinced me. Now I have the world's greatest kid.

I personally think women who are all maternal and believe it will be awesome can have a worse time. Because it isn't as wonderful as they imagine. Whereas I thought all about the sleep and vomit and got a terrible shock when the blinding love showed up.

@FizzyPink at 29 I felt the same it's only now aged 35 I'm TTC and finally feel kinda ready - I'm still not hundred percent though which is why I started the thread to see how it worked for others in a similar boat.

I was on the fence. I am not maternal AT ALL, I'd never even held a baby until I had DS. DH really wanted to be a dad, and it wasn't a hard no from me, so we just stopped using contraception - I have PCOS, so took a very "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be approach" and DS was the result.

I absolutely hated being pregnant. I threw up constantly and was super nauseous and anxious the whole time. I regretted it a lot then. However, I really enjoy being a Mum now DS is out in the world. He's so much fun! If anything, I feel like becoming a parent made me more myself than ever IYSWIM. I love doing things with my tiny semi-feral sidekick (he's almost 2).

I went back to work full time, so I still have a life outside being a mum. I still (pre-covid) brunch, go to the gym, do all my hobbies but whenever I can, he just comes along with me. I also point blank refuse to martyr myself .

@MrsTerryPratchett I completely agree! I have plenty of friends and family that couldn't wait for it and some of them have had the worst time.

Which is why I started the thread because I honestly think, judging from those I know IRL those that want - don't seem to enjoy and the opposite is true for those who were on the fence - maybe because we expect it to be way worse than it is which is what put us off?

I don't know, it wanted to see from this perspective

I could never see children in my future. I felt really awkward around children and babies and didn’t think I was maternal at all.

I accidentally fell pregnant at 29 and now I have two boys. It is the best (and hardest!) thing I have ever done.

Appreciate only a few responses so far but on another thread lots of posters were saying don't have kids unless you are a hundred percent but I strongly disagreed so thought I should find out from others who actually felt on the fence but went ahead

@MrsTerryPratchett Same! I feel like everyone says it's shit and miserable and they never expected it to be so hard, lives ruined etc.

I thought the first few years would be grim, and I'm actually amazed at how easy they've been compared to what I was expecting! TBH, I was more sleep deprived in my raving days. I'm also that weirdo that loves having a toddler way more than having a newborn.

I was never that fussed but now have two under 5s. Obviously I love my kids, but I'm knackered. Hoping that gets easier as they get older.
Life is harder in the sense that you have so much less time to yourself, I completely underestimated how much time they would take up! I would think about your support network - do you have grandparents to help out, can you afford childcare (nursery, babysitter, etc), so you can get some time to yourself.
I think on balance though I made the right decision. Also, if I'd decided not to have children, I think I would always have been wondering if I was missing out.

I wasn't very maternal/broody. Had my ds more because my ex h wanted a child than because I did. I now have the most fantastic 20 year old ds. Don't regret having him one bit. The first couple of years were very hard work, but since then he has been an absolute joy.

Ah this is all very positive to hear! Regarding support - we have it but I don't want to ask for it. Also, we both have very flexible jobs and financially can afford childcare where necessary so I'm thinking I will need support in that sense but am hanky to arrange that.

@mnahmnah

From being a teenager I said I didn’t want children. DH said when he married me, he did so knowing I might not want to. But something about getting married made me want to. Best decision ever. We have two DC now. It’s bloody hard at times, they’re pretty lively and big personalities! Life is obviously harder with kids. But I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Same. I always thought I wouldn’t have kids and wasn’t certain into my mid twenties. Met DH and changed my mind.

I'd also be interested in people's thoughts on one of the things I feel would swing it for me:

Is it easier to be a childfree person in a group of friends who all have kids, or the other way round? I have two groups of friends, one where noone is likely to have kids, one where they all certainly will. I'm completely on the fence (would only really go for it because DH wants them) and as my friends are very important to me and my mental health (another reason I'm terrified of pregnancy) it would factor into my choices.

I was never maternal or broody either. I looked at my vision for life and knew that it involved a family so therefore baby needed to happen 😂
I had my first at 33- stopped taking contraception and just got on with it. I didn't do any active testing or temperature taking or ovulation checking or anything. Had my second at 35 and very much under same circumstances as the first.

I love the bones off my little beasts. They really are wonderful (except for when they're totally getting on my wick) and Id do it again if money and space were no barrier.

Can't comment on the actual parenting side of things, I'm nearly 7 months pregnant with my first. But I was veering towards no kids but every time I pictured our future there was at least one child in it so I decided to take the plunge. I was going to give us a year of trying and if nothing happened give up. I fell pregnant in the first month!

I felt no excitement at all when I got the positive test and just had an "Oh shit, what have I done, I've ruined my life" feeling, even to the point that I hoped I got a very late period or the first scan just showed that it was a false positive.

I had some counselling sessions and now feeling much better, even excited by buying equipment, clothes etc. Pregnancy so far has been great, I've actually enjoyed it even. Never in a million years thought I would so just hoping things continue on this trajectory, I'll let you know!

I didn't particularly want children, definitely NOT maternal, not interested in babies and toddlers, hadn't held a baby until my SIL had her first (and that was awkward!). But I loved my DH, he wanted kids, and I actually wanted adult children in my future, I just wasn't fussed about the stages to go through to get there. I now have DD15 and DS13, and don't regret any of it. If I'd not had children, my career would have been amazing, I'd have likely travelled the world with work, we may have stayed living in London, eating in the best restaurants and drinking cocktails at the chicest bars. But I don't miss it. I adore my kids, challenging though they can be, and, despite my anxiety on where life will take them for various reasons, I look forward to the adults they will become. DD in some ways is very similar to me at that age (and I think she both recognises and rejects that!), and I think when she has outgrown her teen angst will grow into the most incredible woman. DS is likely to face challenges that I'll never understand throughout his life (he has ASD), but he's such a cheerful soul, I hope he will find his space.

So no, I wasn't 100% committed to being a mother, but once it happened, I was in it for the long haul!

I always wanted two-three children. Then husband and I had a MMC, secondary infertility and were told DH's swimmers had decreased and were lazy bastards we'd likely never get naturally pregnant again, and need icsi.
Over that 2 and a half years trying and then finding out, I slowly realised the huge likelihood that it was just the two of us and we both began accepting it. We had a great relationship, we travelled everywhere, had lots of disposable income and debated whether to even go ahead with icsi. We ended up finding ourselves on the fence. We decided in the end to go for it and now have our 9 month old ds. He's amazing. After 10 years on our own, it has certainly been an adjustment and it was a difficult start with cmpa and colic but he's such a funny, sensitive little guy now and we love him so much and can't picture life without him. We have however agreed to stop at one!

Was not really on the fence as such... more like I wouldn't have been sad if it didn't happen. Me and my husband enjoyed our life of travelling and date days. If I'm honest we started trying for a kid as it was the natural next step in our lives.

We now have a wonderful 1 year old son.
Its bloody hard and a slog and exhausting but I could cry when I think about how much I love him. I would literally give my life for his.

I’ve never been a ‘baby person’. Never had the urge, didn’t have much rapport with any kids or babies. Had an accidental conception and we decided maybe we’d regret it if we didn’t. Had my little girl. It was every bit as hard having a baby as I imagined, but she was so worth it. She’s two now and she’s just so lovely. I honestly couldn’t love her more.

@DDIJ were you not convinced about kids before you had them? Can you elaborate if happy to

I couldn't decide, was happy without , DH not fussed either way. We decided to leave it in hands of our reproductive systems and have 2 DC. Neither best nor worst thing. It's just a thing. One that is fairly mundane in many ways. It's just life. I'm not a big one for regret anyway. Just concentrate on what is in front of you

@Pedalpushers Most of my friends don't have kids! I've found it easy to stay friends with them. I think the only thing that took a bit of sorting out is that it's difficult to be spontaneous, so "brunch in an hour?" can be tricky but "brunch this weekend?" is not. I just need more lead time to do anything!

That being said, we're in our 30s, so the hardcore partying days were well behind most of us. I can see it being harder if you're 24.