We're you on the fence about kids but still had them?

[hellokitme]

Inspired in part by another thread but wanted to ask;

If you were on the fence about kids or not stereotypically 'maternal'/always wanted them - how did it turn out for you?

Best or worst decision you made?

I was kinda ambivalent; always assumed I would have kids, but wasn’t great with relating to young kids/friends children and knew that I didn’t want them enough to be a single parent by choice and left it quite late. In the end I did go ahead because I knew I had a good DP, support from my family and was therefore 100% up for it, but I never felt the ‘urge to have children’ (until after the second one, but that’s another story). It’s worked out well mainly because I had support.

@hellokitme I think it’s clear that you only want one type of response and are not interested in the other. What is the point of the thread then. This is Mumsnet, most people will say they are happy with their choice as I’m sure people who hate being parents don’t spend their free time on parenting sites. It’s not that the experience are invalid but the site is biased. Just li@3 a ‘I hate my children’ site would be biased.

*like

That's interesting you think so Cinnamon I was reading a thread earlier where everyone said it was hard and awful and if you're not sure don't even think about it

I find these responses useful context and I hope you do too OP.

All the people saying they never particularly liked kids in general and still don't like other people's kids...I'd have thought that having your own kids means you inevitably spend a lot of time with other kids and have to interact with them to some degree...is this a bit of a pain?

As someone who is undecided about children though admittedly leaning to not having them for a multitude of reasons - for the women convinced by their husbands, who did you grapple with the fact that you were the one who would take the biggest hit physically, career wise and do the majority of child rearing. I think it’s easy for a man to want kids as in the majority of cases they don’t do anywhere near as much as mothers.

Also I cannot shake the feeling that when people divorce (which is obviously a high risk nowadays) women would likely be the primary caregiver. For ambivalent women, would this not be a scary prospect?

I wasn’t maternal at all but DH really wanted to be a dad, and although babies didn’t interest me in the slightest I knew I wanted an older family. I also felt there was a missing piece of the puzzle; I couldn’t get past that. I was always waiting to be a mum. We did all the fancy restaurants and nice holidays but nothing compensated for the lack of a child.

Had my first after a long fertility journey. I always thought babies were both boring and stressful, and I was right. I struggled at the start, the early baby days were exhausting and relentless but in time parenting got more and more rewarding, as DD has gotten older and more independent I enjoy it a lot more. I absolutely adore her and she’s the best (and hardest) thing I’ve ever done. I’m now expecting twins. I expect things to get tougher again for a while but at least this time I know the stages will pass. I’m planning to return to work, I enjoy the balance of part time working and parenting even though childcare will be a fortune.

Having kids brings you more joy but also more lows, not having them is an easier life but less rewarding (if you want a family) I would say.

@1990s I read the exact same thread and it was full of posters saying it was hard but they don’t regret it but they wouldn’t do it if they were not certain. That seems a very fair and balanced view.

@cinammonbuns I have no idea what you're talking about. My initial post was looking for honest responses and as another poster mentioned - in my experience people on MN do not shy away from being open about their experience.

I am not only interested in once response - not sure how you've concluded that! There have been a couple of people staying they made the decision for the worst and I've conversed with them. I've simply said refreshing to hear positive responses?

@hellokitme

Appreciate only a few responses so far but on another thread lots of posters were saying don't have kids unless you are a hundred percent but I strongly disagreed so thought I should find out from others who actually felt on the fence but went ahead

This is where it seemed you indicated you disagreed with those who said you shouldn’t have if you aren’t certain. Also @DDIJ was the only one with an opposing view and it seems to be dismissed as PND, that doesn’t seem a very balanced response to me.

@cinammonbuns it wasn't dismissed - I asked if it could be pnd? Reasonable question to ask, I also asked other questions.

Honestly, I don't have a clue what your point is really - and if I'm not being balanced what exactly is your point?

I am in the same position as you OP as I indicated above and I use Mumsnet but other websites where people regret having children too. I think it’s nice to see a balance as all raise good points and this will help make the decision.

I just think you’ve been dismissive of the only negative yet are very enthusiastic towards all those with positive opinions. Perhaps you’ve already made up your mind?

I simply think it was disingenuous to appear like you wanted all viewpoint then shut down the opposing one. If you just wanted positive opinions, you could’ve said that from the beginning.

@cinammonbuns yes I have made up my kind as a stated in original post I am TTC!

So of course I'm looking for responses of others who didn't/were not excited and ended up enjoying it but that doesn't mean I'm dismissive of other experiences at all. I genuinely expected to see a thread full of regret so maybe my enthusiasm is being mistaken for surprise, pleasantly surprised is what I would say about these responses.

Should I be sad?!

@cinammonbuns I didn't shit anyone down at all.

I explained to the poster that had opposing views I was sorry to hear. The PND was touching on another poster who asked if it could be this? I have no idea honestly what you're hinting at.

Don’t think you should be sad. Didn’t catch that you are TTC so perhaps it makes sense that you only want positives.

@cinammonbuns I don't only want positives but obviously am happy to hear more positives than negatives for sure.

I would t have started the thread if I didn't want honest responses but I am just pleased they seem mainly positive. I don't think I should feel bad about that - but I feel like you're posts are almost implying I should!

@hellokitme I don’t think you should feel bad about it, I just think Mumsnet is clearly biased just as a site for regretful parents would be so I’m not surprised the response are positive but you seem to be. I think you felt that the other thread was negative but for me people were just being realistic about the ups and downs of parenthood and suggested those unsure may want to decide definitely before they try.

@TheIceTree Eh, it depends. I would rather saw off my own leg than go to any kind of mother and baby class (I never went to one, and have a whole side rant about them, but I digress...) filled with random squalling infants. However, DS has some little friends he's made through daycare and I don't mind spending time with them and their mums. I know them as people IYSWIM. Do I love kids parties? No, but they're not every day, so I put up with them. Stuff like going to the playground is fine. I just mooch around with my coffee and intervene if it looks like DS might hurt himself or bite someone.

There are still kids out there though that I actively cannot stand, and I also still don't like babies and have zero interest in holding anyone's newborn.

@cinammonbuns

As someone who is undecided about children though admittedly leaning to not having them for a multitude of reasons - for the women convinced by their husbands, who did you grapple with the fact that you were the one who would take the biggest hit physically, career wise and do the majority of child rearing. I think it’s easy for a man to want kids as in the majority of cases they don’t do anywhere near as much as mothers.

Also I cannot shake the feeling that when people divorce (which is obviously a high risk nowadays) women would likely be the primary caregiver. For ambivalent women, would this not be a scary prospect?

I was convinced by DH, and in part this was because I knew he would do at least his share. If we split it would be 50-50. I do regret the hit to the career but in my case that’s at least as much a result of MH issues in my 20s.

having kids was in my life plan but not because i felt that maternal - it was just something i was expected to do.

having a newborn was bloody tough and not as rewarding for me.

having an almost 2 year old toddler is still tough (i don’t have a moment to myself ever- weekends, evenings after work etc ) but... it’s also the most rewarding thing i’ve ever done bar none.

even though i’m a senior professional she is the one who gives me confidence. she makes me understand what my purpose is - for me nothing matters unless she is happy. it’s a feeling i haven’t felt before and i even miss her when she is sleeping.

and i’m the last person to have felt this way before kids.

it also makes me feel more for other children - i can’t watch news stories about kids being hurt - it’s not just a logical thing anymore but a visceral feeling.

in short i’m exhausted but i don’t regret it one bit. my life feels like it started when i had my daughter- i know that is a controversial thing to say but it is how i feel in response to your question.

Best and worst. Honestly, it's both. But I wouldn't never have known if I hadn't done it and I can't bear missing out.

Best. Thinking it over, the good outweighs the bad for me.

@allfurcoatnoknickers

I was on the fence. I am not maternal AT ALL, I'd never even held a baby until I had DS. DH really wanted to be a dad, and it wasn't a hard no from me, so we just stopped using contraception - I have PCOS, so took a very "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be approach" and DS was the result.

I absolutely hated being pregnant. I threw up constantly and was super nauseous and anxious the whole time. I regretted it a lot then. However, I really enjoy being a Mum now DS is out in the world. He's so much fun! If anything, I feel like becoming a parent made me more myself than ever IYSWIM. I love doing things with my tiny semi-feral sidekick (he's almost 2).

I went back to work full time, so I still have a life outside being a mum. I still (pre-covid) brunch, go to the gym, do all my hobbies but whenever I can, he just comes along with me. I also point blank refuse to martyr myself .

Ditto to this.

As an aside, although I’m inspired to see ‘I point blank refuse to martyr myself’. In theory agree but then I end up feeling guilty.

Kids are great and a blessing. BUT your life will never be the same again.. you won't go a day thinking of just what you want and need again! You are responsible for other than just yourself.
It's a great journey but not one to be considered lightly.