We're you on the fence about kids but still had them?

[hellokitme]

Inspired in part by another thread but wanted to ask;

If you were on the fence about kids or not stereotypically 'maternal'/always wanted them - how did it turn out for you?

Best or worst decision you made?

Never wanted any children but my husband did so we went for it. Ended up with 3 boys who I love with a ferociousness which amazes me. Best decision I ever made.

@allfurcoatnoknickers - I could have written this post! Especially the pregnancy part! I held a friend's newborn for pretty much the first time when I was 36 weeks pregnant and was bricking it when I held the real thing!

I was convinced that I wasn't going to have children but fell pregnant by surprise with my fiance when I was 27. My bf who I took the test with said she would get an abortion. I was torn about the decision. I didn't want children but I also didn't feel comfortable with having an abortion.

A week later and I had bleeding. We went to hospital expecting the to be told I miscarried. They did a scan and she was there, this tiny dot on the screen heart beating away. I fell in love with that dot beating away at that moment and I've always called her my little lion heart.

I'm not naturally maternal and the first 4 years were wonderful but I found it really challenging looking after a tiny person. Now she's 6 and we're out of the feral toddler and young child stage, we vibe each other a lot more 😁

Never wanted kids but now have adult DC. Love them to bits and best decision ever

Have to admit I had never been that maternal. I had kids because it was sort of what you do. Wouldn't swap them now though and I am so glad I decided to have them but I still have no interest in anyone else's kids even my niece and nephews when they were babies/toddlers. I find them more interesting now they are in their teens thigh

@gottakeeponmovin that's what worries me - I have absolutely no interest on other people's kids, they do my head in literally. Which makes me question but I also think I'll feel differently with my own?!

Had my first at 34. I hadn’t wanted children at all through my 20s. Then felt vaguely inclined. Got pregnant very quickly. Was very invested in the pregnancy in an academic sort of way. Then she was born after an horrific labour and I saw her and my first thought was “there you are”. She will be 20 in 2 weeks.

I was fortunate not to find the baby or toddler stage too hard. The drive to have my second and third was overwhelming. I suffered 6 pregnancy losses along the way; 2 between DD1 and DD2 and 4 between DD2 and DS.

I love my husband dearly and have a rewarding career, but having the children has been the highlight of my life. It is a fierce, visceral very active sort of love I have for them. Entirely unconditional and pretty intense I suppose (though I am definitely able to temper it’s presentation so they only rarely experience the full force of its intensity!).

Motherhood has not been without it’s challenges (the pregnancy loss and a protracted, life threatening, illness for DD1), but I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Raising my children to be decent humans is the most rewarding thing I have ever done. They are awesome and I love them so much.

And oh, whilst I am exercised by the general welfare of children, I have never had any personal interest or maternal feelings at all in other’s people’s children.

@gottakeeponmovin

Have to admit I had never been that maternal. I had kids because it was sort of what you do. Wouldn't swap them now though and I am so glad I decided to have them but I still have no interest in anyone else's kids even my niece and nephews when they were babies/toddlers. I find them more interesting now they are in their teens thigh

Exactly this. Other people's kids bore the tits off me.

I was never broody and had no interest in having children, but just couldn't imagine myself at 60 without having had children. When we decided to try I thought the first 5 years or so would be shit. But my DS is amazing. He has brought so much joy and love into our lives and makes me smile and laugh every day. And I've enjoyed every stage so far.

@Bellabelloo same I've written off the first five years thinking it'll be utter shite but maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised?

So I fall into the 'no maternal bone in my body' group. I am an awkward turtle when it comes to kids, as I just don't know what to do with them. They are alien to me.

I did however picture myself having children but I think a lot of that was down to it being expected. Truthfully, while I did see myself with a child I honestly so not think I would be devastated if it never happened.

Ended up falling pregnant when I predicted at 26 and had my daughter at 27. I had an awful time with my mental health (probably a touch of PND in there) which lockdown didn't help. As I was never maternal, not working meant I lost a lot of myself. I wasn't fulfilled solely being mum. My mental health only really improved when I went back to work and I got into a routine again.

However. I love the bones off my daughter. She is my favourite person in the world and she absolutely lights up my life when she is playing around and giggling. She is a marvel to me and I never thought I could feel this way. I would love to see the world through her eyes and experience the joy she gets from such little things.

Funnily enough, I'm still shit with other kids though. Marginally better with my niece and nephew though. Probably more so my niece as she's only a year older than my daughter.

I was on the fence and wasn’t too bothered about having kids until I saw DH playing with my BF daughter swinging him round and it dawned on me he would make a good dad. We talked about it a lot at my insistence and agreed to try as soon as we got married. We didn’t marry until I was 35 and we tried for DC straightaway even though I was in two minds and kept changing my mind but when it didn’t happen for us straightaway the more I wanted them. Its hard work they are now teens but the last 17 years has been fun and has gone really fast and I wouldn’t change it fir the world. I was worried I wouldn’t be a very good mum but I have surprised myself. Although the teenage years with DD have really tested me.

I was adamant I did not want children and held this view until I was 33. I then started considering I might like one, DH and I had been together 12 years and he wasn’t opposed to the idea. 7 years later I now have 4 kids and love them more than I could of ever imagined and my life is very different. I was told many times by colleagues that I was the last person they expected to be a mum as I wasn’t very maternal. I don’t regret changing my mind despite the ups and downs and it has been a positive for me.

@EcoCustard 4 is amazing! To have gone from wanting none to 4 I love it!

@DDIJ

I was not convinced. I had them. I regret it. That's all there is to say.

I've noticed on these threads people always say their children are wonderful, or fun, or lovely. I can't imagine saying anything like that about mine. An old friend from decades ago rang me up out of the blue the other day and it turns out she has a kid and she said she loved him to bits and it struck me that I would never say that about any of mine.

Poor you and your poor children. Have you had any councilling? Sounds like untreated PND to me, a friend of a friend had it for years and years and she only became happy as a Mum when she finally accepted she needed treatment. I know of others who had a similar experience.

@DDIJ sorry to hear you've not had a good experience. Like the other poster mentioned maybe it's Pnd? How old are your kids?

@Pedalpushers I’ve been the childfree one in a group of friends who all have two or three for a long time now... my friends started young, I’m 30 and now pregnant with my first. It’s been okay. They have tried to include me in everything and they’re lovely people, but I’d be lying if I didn’t suggest that there have been a lot of times that I’ve been missing out, or the focus has been on things that I know... and a lot of the meeting places have become in places that suited the majority, like soft play, or kid-friendly pubs, etc.

I’ll now be the only one with a baby in a group with much older kids... but I think they’ll be great. I hope so!

Wow are we twins?! I'm 35 and been on the fence/anti for years and years, as long as I can remember. really We stopped using protection and are just letting what happens happen. Not actively trying and it's been a year. I am very mixed about it and only really like the idea of older kids and the more adult relationships. I wouldn't go down IVF type routes if I don't fall pregnant.

I was ambivalent, DH was keen, I asked for a couple of years to get used to the idea and as I was madly in love I had them. DH was right - I had my first at 29 and if nothing should have had her a couple of years sooner, it is a young persons game and then you get your freedom at the other end. I love being a mum, my children are grown now and it has been a wild ride I wouldn't want to have missed. It helps that they are both fantastic adults so I am pretty proud that me and DH created such cool people.

I was never maternal. Absolutely convinced I didn't want them, DH was the same. I was the person who ran away when people bought their kids into work! Then got into my 30s and started thinking 'maybe next year' for a while....don't think I would ever have properly made that choice but fell pregnant at 35. Now have a 4 year old and a just turned 1 year old.

There is no time for me, I'm exhausted all the time but they are amazing and I would have it no other way having just turned 40! OP, it's tough but so, so worth it.

I was really never sure I wanted kids. I don't like kids, don't find them hilarious or interesting or cute, never want to hold peoples babies etc etc etc.

But at 34 I just sort of decided it was now or never. After a lot of thought I went for now, was super lucky, and had my first baby at 35.

Almost as soon as he was born I knew I wanted another. I just fell in love with my baby and all of a sudden I realised that my kids are hilarious and interesting and cute and all of that. I'm now 40 and have three children and they are the best thing Ive ever ever done, I'm so glad I had them. I would have had a nice life without kids though, I know it, but I'm so happy I decided to have kids.

I still don't like other people's children though...

Well I posted on the other thread but seemed to be in a minority.
We went through this when I was 37 and DH was 46.
Neither of us ever had a burning desire for children, I had kind of thought I wouldn't have any, not least because I thought you needed to be very desperate to have them. I didn't particularly like or have any interext in babies or children, actively avoided them really.
Anyway on balance we decided the risk of regret was too high and went for it. We gad been together 20 years and I had never got pregnant so I suspected it might not happen.
It did, first time. Pregnancy was tough, hyperemesis bith times.
Without doubt the best thing I ever did in my life. My only regret is not starting sooner.
This was 25 years ago and I have two grown sons.

that's what worries me - I have absolutely no interest on other people's kids, they do my head in literally. Which makes me question but I also think I'll feel differently with my own?!

I have two of my own and still have no interest in anyone else’s kids. You will of course feel differently when they are your own.