We're you on the fence about kids but still had them?

[hellokitme]

Inspired in part by another thread but wanted to ask;

If you were on the fence about kids or not stereotypically 'maternal'/always wanted them - how did it turn out for you?

Best or worst decision you made?

hellokitme

that's what worries me - I have absolutely no interest on other people's kids, they do my head in literally. Which makes me question but I also think I'll feel differently with my own

I have 2 dc who I love to the ends of the universe.I still can’t stand other people’s children.

I would warn you that when you do find out that you are pregnant. Even if it is the most planned pregnancy. A lot of people go into panic mode and think they have done the worse thing imaginable. Stick with it as these feelings will pass.

OP I think what you are asking is fine, I think it is very sensible to say you should feel very certain about having a baby blah, blah blah. I love that line in the ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ movie where Julia Roberts friend says ‘ Having a kid is like getting a tattoo on your face, you need to be 100% committed’ But I don’t think that most women are nearly as certain beforehand as they say they were after the event. There is just so many unknowns beforehand. I think with something so risky, so terrifying, so painful etc and still in many ways up until 12 weeks so uncertain some small part of you remains on the fence right through the pregnancy. I think the baby in theory and even a pregnancy in practice have to have a take it or leave it attitude if only for self protection. I think sometimes the balance of knowing you have a great life and still wanting to have a baby means that you have already fulfilled a lot of your wants and so can cope with the utter selflessness that a baby demands. But sometimes the giving up of that great life can backfire when you realise how many sacrifices that new baby is going to demand. Sometimes no matter how you weigh up the pros and cons there is simply no way of knowing until you do it. It is unimaginable until you do it.

I think loads more people are on the fence than they let on also because there is such a strong societal expectation to have children and then I found as a new mum a strong societal expectation to constantly express how delighted you were. Also we do tend to rewrite our own internal narrative to fit in with how we feel. So if it turns out well we always knew it would be the right thing if it’s turns out badly we were never certain we wanted to do it. There is most definitely an incredible love that I felt, a love bigger and more powerful than I had ever felt or expected but I have heard other mums say they never felt that, so it’s not a given. I think to be honest the body clock does tend to clarify the desire one way or the other I think there is a moment when you sense that this opportunity will really go away and I think that does tend to focus your thinking.

I was very ambivalent and it is the most amazing thing I have ever done it is for me like a combination of all the most incredible things I have ever seen or felt just massively intensified and incredibly personal and unique. It’s like you look at the Taj Mahal and it is awe inspiring and millions of people have been there before you and felt the exact same feeling, but when you have your baby it is like that feeling magnified because this is your individual unique wonder of the world. That sounds so cheesy but that was how I felt. It genuinely made me feel like everything I had ever done before this had been small. Even now my children are out of toddlerhood and there is so much mundanity it still feels that important.

God, sorry for such a long thread didn’t realise how much I had rambled on!

Long post, not thread ffs

I wasn’t sure.

I wasn’t naturally maternal or broody. I had spent little time with young kids, apart from my nieces and nephews who I LOVED to bits. Still wasn’t 109% sure. We are both quite logical people and it’s not really a logical decision. I could imagine the difficult parts of having kids as they are like things you can experience in other ways. Many of the good parts are totally unique to having a child. In the end, we just went for it. Best decision ever. Our world revolves entirely around them and we are happier and have also changed for the better since having them. We’ve never regretted it for a moment.

When I got married at 22 ( I’d known my husband for 3 years at university ) kids were some abstract idea of the future , until I found myself “with child”. I then went on to have 2 more but was sterilised at 28. Yes they are wonderful and I love them to death but I was back at work after 12 weeks each time and I employed a nanny to do the heavy lifting.

In hindsight would I have had kids in the first place ?. Hmmmm , difficult one to answer !.

Olivo : don’t live your life through your children. They grow up , leave home and move away.

I have no money no time no sleep but it's the best thing I've ever done. I have 3 month old twins and a 5 year old.

I wasn't that maternal until I lost 7 babies and then it was all I wanted

Someone on a thread recently aborted their planned for baby because they wanted lie ins and to watch a tv programme uninterrupted - if this is what you value most in life then probably having a child isn't for you

I’m 38 & have tokophobia but I really wish I could afford surrogacy. Really interesting thread!

I had never given having children any thought at all. It just wasn't something that I had considered as an option in my life. But it happened anyway. Oops!

And honestly there have been times where it felt like hell. After my first i had pnd, and I think nowadays we would be told she has either reflux or an intolerance to something, but we were pawned off, told that some babies are just like that, and left to deal with a very difficult baby.

But we got through it, and I even went on to have another - no pnd and was just a very easy baby in comparison.

Would I do it all again with hindsight? Damn right I would. But this time i would be more insistent on getting support after my first.

Best. I wasn't really interested till into my 30s and finding all my friends were having babies and all of a sudden I was ready for that step too. They are teenagers now and by far the best decision of my life.

I was very much on the fence, didn’t like children and wasn’t maternal at all. I then got pregnant by accident and now have DS who is 5 and has become my world. He’s changed me fundamentally as I now really like all children. It’s not easy but in my view it’s definitely worth it.

Hard one... I have to start by saying I wouldn't change having them, of course. But..

I never wanted kids, my partner had 4 from his first marriage and after a fair few years together I thought we were set as just the two of us. I think for me a lot of it was the fact I didn't want the pregnancy and birth part, more than I didn't want kids... but the cost and loss of freedom was a factor too.

Anyway at 27 I found out I was pregnant, the pregnancy and birth was a breeze, compared to how I had built it up in my head to be dreadful! Actually raising her has been... draining! You just don't really understand how life changing it is until you do it.

Anyway I'm now 31, soon to be 32 and 6 months pregnant with the second. I thought with pregnancy being so "easy" for me I may as well give her a sibling... LOL this pregnancy has been shocking from the start, it's miserable and I'm having my tubes removed at the same time as my c section this time because I'm never doing it again.

I've really given up a lot of myself over the years to raise my daughter and a big thing for me lately is making time for myself and planning ahead for when baby arrives so I can continue to do things that are for me and not just me being mum. I should have done it from the start, maybe then I'd feel less hard done by, but when you become a mum there's a lot of pressure to JUST be mum? At least there was for me...

But no, I wouldn't change having them. I'd just have stood my ground from the start that I wanted to keep working or keep up my regular hobbies, have time away from the house once or twice a week.

Dd is great but im a shit mum. She is a difficult teen and i'm sure its my fault. I was a single mum and she hates me for leaving her dad who sge never met ( he left me but thats my fault apparently). She will do well in life as sges super feisy.
I dont regret it but im not a natural.

She's super feisty

It's early and I totally missed the point of this thread. Have asked for deletion 😂

I was adamant I didn't want kids and my DH knew that about me. Didn't feel maternal at all. Enjoyed travelling and lazy weekends. But for whatever reason after a few big holidays and buying a house it felt like the next thing to do. Genuinely didn't give it much thought and now have two boys. Felt very maternal after they were born and always remember the midwife who made an early visit at home post birth writing in my notes that I was a 'very loving and attentive mum'. It's been hard work but love them both very much. I was 34 when I had my eldest.

I actually wrote a list of pros and cons and the thing that swung it was not being sure what I'd do with my spare time! [Laughs hollowly.]

DH was on the fence on the basis that he loved our life as it was but also knew he'd love any children we had.

So it was my choice and we chose to have children. I was very excited and definitely wanted them when we were TTC. Very lucky to conceive quickly each time.

I found DD1 (now 9 years old) a real struggle. High needs baby, didn't latch on for 3 weeks so expressed feeds, she didn't sleep much (still doesn't). Looking back I struggled to bond with her. Ensured she got everything she needed but i remember after a few months saying to DH that now I could understand the devastation of losing a child because you'd put so much effort and time into them. Nothing about love.

Things were easier with DD2.

I reckon, honestly, if I could have changed my mind I would have done until they were about 5 & 2. Something changed. We were sleeping again better (DD2 didn't sleep through until she was 4), my back was recovering, was knackered for years after breastfeeding DD1. Now they are 9 and 6 I am delighted we did it. They are amazing. I still get a little resentful at the things I can't do but i know that time will fly and they'll be teenagers soon.

Finally, for what it's worth, I'm the full time breadwinner and DH works part time and does most of the wife work. This suits us both. When I do have days off I seem to spend all the time making food and washing up! I'm not sure how it would have coped if DH hadn't pulled his weight.

Also, it has brought me a great circle of friends, from toddler groups and school (small village life) which is another massive bonus.

Was anti as a teen, then not fussed until mid-30s. Now have two, and they're great. No regrets. But I'd have had an even more amazing life in some ways if I hadn't gone for it.

Yes that was me, had mine at 34, really struggled for the first few years. I have a lovely relationship with my dd now, but if I had my time again I wouldn't have had kids.

I'm just not maternal, and I've never really 'got' children or the 'why'.

My BF didn't want kids but had a quick turn around and needed up having 2 in her forties. 13 years she still regrets it. Sad for the kids and her. She struggles with the way they change everything and take up all your time.

I didn't want kids, never liked them, never wanted to be a mum, no maternal instinct whatsoever. When kids came into the office I'd go make a cup of tea. But DH did want them, and I went into a marriage with him accepting that we would have them. I looked at it as a 'project' and thought I'd go back to work full time two weeks after birth. Didn't happen and 7 years, 2 kids later (and I'd have had another if I wasn't so old!!) I'm still part time.

I'm still not massively maternal, but life with these two in it is really fun, and they are amazing. In a way they're still my project, just one better than I ever imagined!

And I still don't like any kids other than my own, and still feel uncomfortable holding any other child that's not my own!

[quote cinammonbuns]@hellokitme I think it’s clear that you only want one type of response and are not interested in the other. What is the point of the thread then. This is Mumsnet, most people will say they are happy with their choice as I’m sure people who hate being parents don’t spend their free time on parenting sites. It’s not that the experience are invalid but the site is biased. Just li@3 a ‘I hate my children’ site would be biased.[/quote]
This is an unusually positive thread - there are fairly frequent threads on mumsnet that are full of parents who regret having their children. To the extent that when I was pregnant I was really worried by the rather bleak picture I kept seeing painted. Just because this is mumsnet doesn’t mean you only get one side - if anything I think it skews more negative sometimes.

Also @DDIJ was the only one with an opposing view and it seems to be dismissed as PND, that doesn’t seem a very balanced response to me

I wish we’d stop talking about ‘dismissing’ things as PND. Do we dismiss things as other illnesses? There’s nothing dismissive about a PND diagnosis. Not liking your children and talking about being a mother with such disinterest and regret as that poster did on this and another thread is very often a sign of PND. That doesn’t mean ‘oh silly woman it’s just the baby blues your feelings are invalid’ but it does mean there’s a possibility that the woman could be helped to feel better and happier, supported to find motherhood less horrendous. Isn’t that a good outcome if it were possible? Not least for the poor children who didn’t ask to be so reluctantly brought into the world only to be unloved and unwanted which will surely have a huge impact on them as they grow into adults and try to form their own relationships. Isn’t it worth at least considering there could be something more going on?

I’ve started volunteering in a pnd support group since having DD. FWIW I wanted her very much and loved her very much and never regretted her but I did struggle with feelings of failure around the birth and feeding and the grief it triggered for my own mum amongst other things. But feelings of regret, lack of bonding with children and the woman saying she doesn’t like/ love them or doesn’t feel they like/ love her is very common too and often does change with support and treatment. I’m not saying that it’s the answer to every woman who ever felt like that but it’s not a dismissive or unreasonable suggestion either. More dismissive to say ‘oh well motherhood sucks keep on being miserable’ I’d have thought.

When with my exH I used to joke I'd have kids if I could lock them away till they were 18! I REALLY didn't want them.

Fast forward to current DH and I wanted kids as soon as I met him. Possibly due to my age (early 30s) but I was so keen and it was literally the best thing that's ever happened.