We're you on the fence about kids but still had them?

[hellokitme]

Inspired in part by another thread but wanted to ask;

If you were on the fence about kids or not stereotypically 'maternal'/always wanted them - how did it turn out for you?

Best or worst decision you made?

I was always on the fence, I fell pregnant whilst on the pill and it did take a lot of heart to hearts between me and DH, and I had to do a load of thinking. We decided to go for it, and it turned out to be the decision ever. Although I feel that I loved life before DS too, and would no doubt still be really happy if we had remained childfree! I think it's such a personal decision, for some it's clear cut and for others I don't think there is a right or a wrong tbh, both have positives and minuses.

I never wanted kids, was quite happy to teach them all day and then send them back to their parents. Was totally indifferent to any baby I ever saw, even my friends kids really.

My unplanned 8 week old is currently fast asleep on my belly. From the second I saw the positive test I never thought of anything else other than having her, and she is absolutely wonderful. Granted, she is the easiest baby in the world which makes things easier. However, I will confess that this week I am massively struggling with the realisation of how much my life has now changed and all the things I can no longer do that I could when I was single. I wouldn't change her for the world, but the adjustment is hard...

Yep. Never wanted them. Reached 36 and changed my mind quite suddenly, although was still on the fence really but felt like I wouldn’t regret having a child but would probably regret not having one, so went for it regardless. It took years to get him here and was quite traumatic so I’m just having one ha.

I absolutely love it! He’s glorious in every way.

Best. They're brilliant people I like to spend time with. The baby toddler years took effort but then doesn't anything with doing? I considered it an investment, now we have in-jokes and I like theme as people.
The Savannah's if being on the fence is you don't need to stress over conceiving, if it doesn't happen, oh well.
Pregnancy was a practical thing, never got a wave of love, the day before dc1 was born I was chatting to dh pondering if I would love it when it arrived... I did.
(Obviously I wouldn't have created a baby if I want going to be a committed mother, but that maternal feeling, is just never had it so couldn't imagine it, right up until birth, then I could)

These stories are all so positive. Made me feel I am definitely making the right decision to try.

Christ on a bike autocorrect! Wtf.
Hope you can decipher that!
Savannah's = advantage

Yes! In fact I was adamant and my husband knew this before we married. I (thankfully) fell pregnant and whilst it was a shock we went for it and wow quite literally the best thing that happened to us. Never maternal, always insisted I didn’t want them as I was always pretty selfish and loved my own space and free time. But now I have two and as others have said yes they’re hard work but my life is so much better for having had them.

Ive never been maternal for babies or toddlers, but after having a horrifically lonely childhood i knew i wanted children. Best decision, and though it was horribly hard for the first few years, mostly because i was on my own so much, they've given my life the meaning nothing else ever would have.

I think like most things you get it of it what you put into it. So if you look at a child as a small adult then all the things they do are annoying cos they would be twatty in an adult. But meet them where they are and view the world through their as yet undeveloped understanding and innocence and the same behaviours becomes funny because there is no crappy intent behind it and the raw mistakes and naivety are just naturally funny, but only if you allow yourself to be transported into their world.

Echoing a lot of what other people said. I was on the fence more leaning towards no thanks when I fell pregnant accidentally. Now I am incredibly happy with my little one (although it can be tough at times) and forever grateful for that oops moment! 😂
I too have a friend that was desperate to have a baby, tried for years and was looking into IVF when she fell pregnant and had a really tough time when baby arrived. Makes me feel guilty at times that my little one was an accident but I'm really happy.

I totally respect that some people do not want kids, but I know I would have regret not having them.

I was very much on the fence and then got pregnant accidentally. DS is now 15 months and the whole experience has been way better than I imagined. Aware it’s still early days but the baby / toddler stage scared me the most, and it’s been fine, despite lockdown for most of it. Aware that I am very lucky, however.

Me, strongly wanted but also not sure I should or it was right for me then unplanned pregnancy forced my hand (DC1), ended up with lots

on another thread lots of posters were saying don't have kids unless you are a hundred percent

I agree with that. Childfree is fine. To the extent you have control, don't plan children if you don't know if you want them.

I was on the fence and found early motherhood a total shock. To tell the truth, I didn't enjoy the early years much. I hated the loss of freedom and 24/7 nature of it.

Mine are 12 and 16. I enjoy it much more now they're more independent - even with the inevitable teenage challenges. And you can have more interesting conversations with them.

When becoming a parent, everyone thinks about small children but you are having a potential adult

Before I had my 2 year old I was sure I didn’t want one, in fact I was so sure I’d have happily gotten my tubes tied. I’d abandoned a child when I was a teenager and never looked back, even though I could.
Then I got pregnant, and when I saw those two lines I was angry and upset, I threw the test at the dad and asked him if he were happy now? I wasn’t.
He’s two now, he’s the easiest child, and I love him to bits. But my life would have been fulfilled without him.

@hellokitme

Appreciate only a few responses so far but on another thread lots of posters were saying don't have kids unless you are a hundred percent but I strongly disagreed so thought I should find out from others who actually felt on the fence but went ahead

I agree with you, OP. I don’t think how enthusiastic you are about having children has the remotest correlation with how good a parent you are and/or how fulfilling you find parenthood. Absolutely the OP on the other thread should resist having children because of social pressure, but I don’t think the fact that she’s finding the decision about whether to ttc difficult is any indication she shouldn’t have a child.

I was absolutely opposed to the idea of having children from an early age — I’m the eldest of a large, poor family, and my generation’s mothers had no access to contraception, and none of it looked like anything any woman who valued freedom would do (none of my sisters have children, by choice) — as was DH. Then we had a brief period of ambivalence in our late 30s, where we needed to do it if we were doing it, and conceived — to our total shock — the first time we had unprotected sex. I think we had our son, who is 9, and wonderful, in a spirit of mild curiosity, rather than anything more passionate, but it’s been brilliant

Though I’ve no doubt it would have been differently brilliant had we not had him.

The thing is, no one can generalise about parenthood, though people try all the time. I don’t recognise most of the stuff I see on here. Parenthood for me is about the mix of my own specific child and my own specific character, priorities, past, etc. You will parent out of your own self, and have your own unique child, so it won’t be like anyone else’s experience.

@lljkk despite all the positives posts here saying otherwise?

I didn't want any, but let DH talk me into it. Totally buried my head in the sand about what having unprotected sex meant, so then he had to convince me to take a test. Second worst night of my life was the one after I discovered I was pregnant. First worst night was in the hospital after she was born, just thinking wtaf have I done, I've ruined my life. I now have four, and had PND (or a severe worsening of ongoing regular depression) after each one.

I didn't want them in part because my parents had always said how hard it was having children--and was actually a little afraid to tell them even though I was 28 with the first.

Another one here with zero interest (that's not the right word--more like I just cannot think of a single thing to say to them) in other children. It gets easier as they get older though. When I was a kid I had nothing to say to adults either, but many of my kids' friends are pretty good at interacting with adults, which helps.

Number four was a surprise and actually the first one where I nearly enjoyed the baby stage (to the extent that I can now see why people love babies and I don't pity everyone with a newborn!). It's been hard work and we have a lot of issues (ASD among other things) but I wouldn't change it for the world. At least I wouldn't now--in my darker days I did sometimes wish that I had fewer or none at all.

No decision can be made in huge confidence, we're all just guessing at how things will work out. Main thing is that any child you have (planned or not) needs to be wanted. Children deserve to be wanted.

Short version: I didn't want any whatsoever, had tough-ish pregnancies (although easy births), had a really hard time when they were little, and now I have four wonderful little and not-so-little people who I love spending time with.

I've been with dh since we were 22. I was convinced I didn't want children and he was fine with that until we hit our mid 30s and everyone else started having children. We compromised on trying for six months. I thought at 36 it would take longer than that. Six weeks later I started vomiting on the way to work. I was terrified and then had a horrendous birth followed by a mental health breakdown.

He's 6 now and I love him to bits, even when he's full on mini teenager mode. He's even got a little sister. I can't imagine life without them.

I was a no children thanks - even had that discussion on first proper date with ExDH - he always said he wanted DC
We married - he talked me round - I was ambivalent and not that maternal but went along with it - took me a while to adjust but love grew as first DC did
ExDH turned out to be bit lacking in fatherly position and cheated on me with my best friend - he’s not changed much
However, having children was best ever non decision for me - they are amazing - I turned out surprisingly to be a wonderful Mum - can’t imagine life without them - we are all incredibly close as adults
Do what feels instinctively right for you

Didn’t have any maternal feelings, thought I’d stay childfree but had a wobble at 40 and had DD at 41. Best decision ever.
Still completely uninterested in other children but my own is mind blowing.

We were on the fence but decided to leave it in the hands of fate which decided to get me pregnant four weeks' later 😳.

He's now 13 and the best thing in my life.

Only had the one but not by choice.

Such lovely positive stories - I think the thread most certainly proves the point that being unsure means nothing in terms of whether or not you will be a good parent/enjoy the journey.

[quote hellokitme]@gottakeeponmovin that's what worries me - I have absolutely no interest on other people's kids, they do my head in literally. Which makes me question but I also think I'll feel differently with my own?![/quote]
I felt differently with my own, of course. But what has really surprised me is that I now have a new found appreciation for all children (well, most of them ). I love my friends kids now in a way that I never did before.