We're you on the fence about kids but still had them?

[hellokitme]

Inspired in part by another thread but wanted to ask;

If you were on the fence about kids or not stereotypically 'maternal'/always wanted them - how did it turn out for you?

Best or worst decision you made?

I wasnt maternal - waited until my late 30s to have them. Love DC but not sure whether it was the right decision for us but not one I can unmake.

I wonder whether the age when you have kids also makes a difference. By the time DC leave home, I will be almost 60 - i.e. old. Maybe if we'd have them at 30 - I would feel like a large chunk of childfree adulthood is still in front of me.

@Whtitjd I worry about this too. By 60 my kids would only be early 20s. Many kids rely heavily on parents still at that age and I'm not so keen on that.

My kids are 8 and 6. I still have days when I wonder whether or not it was a good idea!

Yeah!

I'm definitely not one of those women that is really in to babies. We decided we would in the end and I'm glad we did.

You might enjoy this podcast I've been following it's called To Baby or Not to Baby - they interview loads of different people and it's really good. The presenter Naomi is under the same dilemma whether or not to have children.

NC for this as I'd be v upset if my child were to grow up and read it.

I've had my baby for a couple of months and it's probably one of the worst decisions I ever made. I hate being a parent. I wasn't sure about having them, I even booked a termination in the first trimester but I wasn't sure plus I felt pressured not to go ahead. I do have underlying mental health problems so perhaps I am more prone to feeling like I do. Who knows.

I was on the fence until I was told I couldn’t have any then it became the most crucial thing in the world

@mudstuck

NC for this as I'd be v upset if my child were to grow up and read it.

I've had my baby for a couple of months and it's probably one of the worst decisions I ever made. I hate being a parent. I wasn't sure about having them, I even booked a termination in the first trimester but I wasn't sure plus I felt pressured not to go ahead. I do have underlying mental health problems so perhaps I am more prone to feeling like I do. Who knows.

@mudstuck, I think that's a perfectly normal and very widespread feeling among the mothers of babies who are a couple of months old, especially if they are high-needs babies like DS was. I was certainly miserable at that stage, thought I had ruined my life, found myself googling adoption services at 3 am.

It's perfectly logical -- you're sleep-deprived, recovering from birth, possibly struggling with breastfeeding, you're spending all your time looking after a demanding small thing you haven't yet any reason to love, who doesn't usually respond appreciatively, can't talk or tell you what's wrong, so you spend about 90% of your time trying to secondguess what one particular wail means and failing. And that responsibility is with you 24/7. It's crap.

It does get much, much better. You don't have to do anything more than you're doing, just keep breathing. See your GP/HV for support. Don't write off having a child as a bad decision just yet.

We had no big interest and we were really happily married and happy with our life together but approaching our 8th wedding anniversary we decided to go for it. We now have 3 . I'm also a sahm and one dc has additional needs so my life is far from what I expected but I'm very happy however I do miss lazy afternoons with a book and just doing nothing.

I'm now 35 and TTC. Not thrilled about it and still a bit worried but think (hope) I've made the right decision

These kind of statements always make me feel weird..sad maybe? I understand that issue lies within me and not the person saying it.

It just feels sad for the child that..they are a gamble, born with the job to possibly enhance your life..or not.
Unfortunately I've seen some situations where it wasn't the right decision and now whole families are horribly unhappy.

I understand a lot of thought and effort goes into deciding to have a child (for the most part) but it's a dangerous game to play to bring an life Into the world not being thrilled about it and hoping for the best.

I understand those situations do happen and sometimes hope is all a person has but I've met quite a number of children born to parents who weren't sure... or had them just because they felt they should at the time.
And while many of them go on to have a wonderful life,unfortunately I've met some who have next to no bond and just get through the day existing next to each other.

I think if theres any doubt in your mind...proceed with extreme caution.

@NothingIcando I totally disagree - this thread has proven that being on the fence/not maternal means nothing in terms of how you enjoy family life. In fact, from threads on MN it appears to be those that were desperate for kids/all they ever wanted that end up disappointed much of the time.

@mudstuck I am sorry to hear your experience and thank you for sharing it. How old is your baby now? Is it the sleep mainly that makes you feel this was or other reasons?

lovevlyt I was only talking about my experiences of it and how it did mean something for the people it impacted on my end. I understand it's not the same for everybody

I wasn't maternal in the slightest until I peed on the stick and it was positive.

I now have 2 under 2 and I really want #3 🙈

I never wanted them. Got married and changed to “we will see”.
DH eventually wore me down and its definitely the best decision we ever made.

@NothingIcando

I'm now 35 and TTC. Not thrilled about it and still a bit worried but think (hope) I've made the right decision

These kind of statements always make me feel weird..sad maybe? I understand that issue lies within me and not the person saying it.

It just feels sad for the child that..they are a gamble, born with the job to possibly enhance your life..or not.
Unfortunately I've seen some situations where it wasn't the right decision and now whole families are horribly unhappy.

I understand a lot of thought and effort goes into deciding to have a child (for the most part) but it's a dangerous game to play to bring an life Into the world not being thrilled about it and hoping for the best.

I understand those situations do happen and sometimes hope is all a person has but I've met quite a number of children born to parents who weren't sure... or had them just because they felt they should at the time.
And while many of them go on to have a wonderful life,unfortunately I've met some who have next to no bond and just get through the day existing next to each other.

I think if theres any doubt in your mind...proceed with extreme caution.

Yet I also see poor/unbonded parenting from people who never had a moment's doubt about whether it was the right thing to do, who got pregnant accidentally without a pot to piss in and with someone who was a bad bet as a ONS let alone a father, or who simply never gave the matter any thought at all and just had children 'because you do'.

My own parents and DH's, for instance, never considered for a moment whether having children, and then keeping having more, when they could barely afford to keep themselves was a good idea, and while we're both very fond of them, they have absolutely no idea that they were very poor parents and gave us both pretty objectively dreadful childhoods.

It's ridiculous to think there's a correlation between not being afire with baby hunger when ttc and less-than-ideal parenting.

@Llamasally my Mum is a martyr and it's AWFUL. But on the bright side, it makes it easy for me to not be a martyr, because I've experienced first hand how damaging it can be, and how bitter it's made her.

I just remind myself that you can't pour from an empty cup, and to be a happy and fulfilled mother, I need to be a happy and fulfilled person. Am I happy and fulfilled all the time? No, but I'd say I am more often than not.

[quote allfurcoatnoknickers]@Llamasally my Mum is a martyr and it's AWFUL. But on the bright side, it makes it easy for me to not be a martyr, because I've experienced first hand how damaging it can be, and how bitter it's made her.

I just remind myself that you can't pour from an empty cup, and to be a happy and fulfilled mother, I need to be a happy and fulfilled person. Am I happy and fulfilled all the time? No, but I'd say I am more often than not.[/quote]
@allfurcoatnoknickers same here!! It’s actually affected my own boundaries and self esteem quite badly from a role-modelling perspective. I really would like to show my own DCs that being independent and having your own thing going on is a positive attribute and I hope this will build their self worth. It’s hard to not fall into that pattern sometimes though. Without feeling guilty anyway. How do you make sure you are a no martyrdom zone??

I really didn’t want them from an early age. I had no interest in dolls or anything child related at all. Them from late 20s I was ambivalent but I knew DH wanted them. From around 30 I thought it might be ok but if it hadn’t happened I would have been ok with that. I had my first at 33 and 2nd at 37. I adore them both but do wish I had stopped at just 1

@Llamasally I just always think to myself "Is DS safe and well cared for" He is? Then he'll be fine while I go to the gym, go to brunch, volunteer etc. I don't want him thinking that only he can make me happy - that's a lot for a little boy.

I also work full time and I don't feel guilty because one of my family's biggest stressors was never having quite enough money. My mum stayed home and then worked part time and we always had money worries and it was so horrible, and stressful, and as a child I felt like it was my fault. I don't want that life for DS. I still bear that burden and I will NOT have it happen to my son too.

I'm just going to quote Glennon Doyle here. She says it better than I ever could:

^Mothers have martyred themselves in their children’s names since the beginning of time. We have lived as if she who disappears the most, loves the most. We have been conditioned to prove our love by slowly ceasing to exist.

What a terrible burden for children to bear—to know that they are the reason their mother stopped living. What a terrible burden for our daughters to bear—to know that if they choose to become mothers, this will be their fate, too. Because if we show them that being a martyr is the highest form of love, that is what they will become. They will feel obligated to love as well as their mothers loved, after all. They will believe they have permission to live only as fully as their mothers allowed themselves to live.

If we keep passing down the legacy of martyrdom to our daughters, with whom does it end? Which woman ever gets to live? And when does the death sentence begin? At the wedding altar? In the delivery room? Whose delivery room—our children’s or our own? When we call martyrdom love we teach our children that when love begins, life ends. This is why Jung suggested: There is no greater burden on a child than the unlived life of a parent^

Oh, and I don't do all the cleaning. Or even most of the cleaning. Fuck that nonsense.

.

@allfurcoatnoknickers brilliant post 👏

It's very true - there's I almost what appears to be a competition amongst some parents that whoever is the biggest martyr must be the most loving parent.

I was 30 when I had DS. I was very ‘meh’ about having children and fell pregnant accidentally after one contraception failure. Having him made me realise that there was a huge void in my life that i never knew about and I absolutely adore him. Parenting doesn’t exactly come naturally to me and we won’t have any other children as I think it would completely break us.

@Hoppinggreen

I really didn’t want them from an early age. I had no interest in dolls or anything child related at all. Them from late 20s I was ambivalent but I knew DH wanted them. From around 30 I thought it might be ok but if it hadn’t happened I would have been ok with that. I had my first at 33 and 2nd at 37. I adore them both but do wish I had stopped at just 1

That’s interesting. I never considered having more than one, and am surprised at the number of people on here who went from ‘deeply ambivalent’ to having several children.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Same as *@mnahmnah* I didn't want them, DH convinced me. Now I have the world's greatest kid.

I personally think women who are all maternal and believe it will be awesome can have a worse time. Because it isn't as wonderful as they imagine. Whereas I thought all about the sleep and vomit and got a terrible shock when the blinding love showed up.

Yes I've always thought the absolute same. Every woman I knew who regarded motherhood as her calling had a horrible wake-up call. I was healthily terrified of it and have (mostly) absolutely loved it.

I was very, very far from always wanting children. In my teens I said confidently I wouldn't have them ever. Throughout my twenties, in spite of being with DH and married, I was very much on the fence. Eventually I swung to "yes", but I really felt that I still didn't want children in the abstract, I specifically wanted to have children with DH.

We have two DC now and I'd do it again. I've surprised myself by enjoying them and finding a maternal side. That said, two are enough for me. I've had to recognise that I'm not an earth mother. I don't have a bottomless fund of giving. I still need space, time and energy to be me and another DC could have pushed me over the edge. And although DH's and my relationship is in some ways stronger, having DC together for sure knocked us both off our pedestals. We no longer idolise each other in the way we used to, a bit. Parenting has shown us each other's weaker, more petty sides. It's a harsh and unforgiving journey.