To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

No nothing dickish at all about what you said. Perfectly polite and reasonable.

I might have approached it from the angle of trying to avoid him getting more upset by asking her to explain your DD is not ignoring him and isn't allowed any more screen time this weekend. Rather than demanding he cease contacting her/you.

If she's there with an upset child who thinks his friend is ignoring him and that was the message she got from you, I can actually see where she's coming from. It sounds like a demand and only takes account of inconvenience to you.

You're absolutely not being a dick, not even a little tiny bit.

She needs to supervise her son's Ipad use, and teach him it's not ok to repeatedly call someone.

No I'd have done the same as you

@user1825894133270

I might have approached it from the angle of trying to avoid him getting more upset by asking her to explain your DD is not ignoring him and isn't allowed any more screen time this weekend. Rather than demanding he cease contacting her/you.

If she's there with an upset child who thinks his friend is ignoring him and that was the message she got from you, I can actually see where she's coming from. It sounds like a demand and only takes account of inconvenience to you.

@GlummyMcGlummerson did reply on the message that Dd wouldn’t be on before she approach sil. No op you weren’t being unkind. Maybe sil needs to let dB know he can’t always have what he wants...... maybe that’s a genetic thing with males in her family

If she's there with an upset child who thinks his friend is ignoring him and that was the message she got from you, I can actually see where she's coming from.

But Op messaged and said sorry DD won't be having screen time today but he still kept calling.

Dn not dB though the point applies either way!!

I don’t think you are being a dick about the issue. I think you could have been more understanding in your tone.

Maybe sil needs to let dB know he can’t always have what he wants...... maybe that’s a genetic thing with males in her family

Indeed, bepenised ones do seem to be worshipped in their family.

FWIW they do know that DD has limited screen time and how much, as she's told them before "I have half an hour left for the weekend". I don't expect them to keep a chart or anything tracking her time but logic would dictate that come Sunday if she isn't answering or calling back it's because her screen time has been used up

Argh constant calling would drive me up the wall. My in-laws do it, you’ll have 15 missed calls and they’ll say they wanted a chat

You weren’t being a dick, and it’s probably a good thing that DN realises that DD can’t always talk. Does DD know that she doesn’t need to answer if she doesn’t want to when it is her screen time?

Is talking to family really considered ‘screen time’?

Does DD know that she doesn’t need to answer if she doesn’t want to when it is her screen time?

Yes, I always remind her that her screen time is her own and it doesn't always have to be playing Minecraft with DN, it can be kids YouTube or Roblox etc. But she's pretty astute and thick skinned and she will answer saying "sorry not today DN" (according to ex his sister has raised this with him that it really upset DN, but luckily he agrees that DD is under no on obligation to have her screen time with him).

@flaviaritt

Is talking to family really considered ‘screen time’?

Well they don't talk the way I do to my mum, they play Minecraft on one device while chatting on another device, in the same "world" (or whatever it is I have no idea how it all works TBH).

They aren’t talking as such, they are playing an screen game and talking. It’s quite common.

I think perhaps the words "he's called 23 times today" could have been left out. The message would have been perfectly ok without it and it might have come across as quite critical of DN (he's being annoying / obsessive). I'm sure you didn't mean that but I expect that's how she read it.

I would have allowed some screen time together, connecting with family is precious.

Oh I get it. Fair enough. Maybe you could say you don’t mind them talking on the phone?

And the 3 hour rule is for alone screen time, we have family screen time separately (we watched Arthur Christmas today )

@flaviaritt

Is talking to family really considered ‘screen time’?

This ^^

If she's talking to her cousin on screen I wouldn't measure that in the same way as watching YouTube or gaming or whatever.

@KittenCalledBob

I think perhaps the words "he's called 23 times today" could have been left out. The message would have been perfectly ok without it and it might have come across as quite critical of DN (he's being annoying / obsessive). I'm sure you didn't mean that but I expect that's how she read it.

This was more to show her how persistent he'd been and so why a text from me was necessary - I'm not sure she'd have known he called so much otherwise

In fairness, he does have to learn that calling someone 23 times isn’t on.

Cross posted OP but I would be a bit flexible about it if she talking to her cousin while doing it (like an extra 20-30 minutes not a few hours or as a PP suggested they could speak on the phone or Face Time, I wouldn't count that).

Yanbu regarding the scenario but 3 hours only on a weekend is very low imo. I think I'd be more lenient at the moment with that. Contact with people you can't see in person is important. There shouldn't be the possibility of 23 calls though, parents should've stopped that.

Regardless of screentime allowance, if SIL and her husband give their children access to phones or devices for facetiming, they also need to be teaching their children that it's fucking annoying and quite bad manners to call someone 23 times - and that the person they are trying to call will see one missed call and will call them back at their convenience, no need at all for another 22 calls to be made.

She wanted a rise out of you. You’re best of ignoring.

I’d also mute notifications for her on messenger. Not sure about calls but you don’t get notifications for messages at least.