To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

@cdtaylornats are you the SIL perchance...

@Posturesorposes That might help another poster but the OP has a really good system which works for her and her daughter. She doesn't need help.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

I loathe this perception that if messages aren’t dripping in small talk and emojis they’re not polite

Me too, my DD, with being a girl, is already growing up on a society where she's told to be nice above all else, park her feelings and smile sweetly no matter what. I'm trying my best to teach her that having her own agency is important and that she doesn't always have to be super sweet especially when other people are being unreasonable. I really don't think that grown ups need other people to be OTT nice to get a simple point across

Well lots of people do like and respond better to social niceties. You obviously came across to her that you were criticising her DC...you should have added a caveat that you thought it was nice he wanted to chat or something...

We exist in a world where many people are sensitive to tone and how things are phrased. Of course, you can continue how you are and get people's back up...or you can hun it up and achieve your goal in an easier way.

@Sassysally12 yep I even started a thread about it, apparently if I didn't get him a present then none would come from my kids. I refused, told her it's up to ex now, I am no longer the wife so won't be doing the wife work. and ex didn't get him a present because he's a tight thoughtless prick. That was my fault too

@BecomeStronger

I just can't imagine a situation where a friend was clearly keen to get in touch and you didn't even give them the time of day. They could have had a chat surely?

Calling a person over 23 times is beyond "being keen for a chat. Its ridiculous, intrusive,invasive and annoying. DN is not owed a chat by anyone and really needs to learn some manners

You SIL is just annoyed that you’re not helping keep DN occupied/ stopping him from badgering her.

You done nothing wrong. My daughter does the same on Roblox and video call to her cousin/friends and I don't let her do it when she's been on too much.

I got a text from one of my daughter's friend's mum one day to say she kept calling and messaging the friend. I apologised to the mum, had a word with my daughter, she apologised to her friend and then we all moved on 🤷🏻‍♀️

SIL is a dick.

He's a young child. Yes he needs to learn when to stop but really can no one put themselves in his shoes at being ignored?

I don't think OP would have responded the same way if it was the child of a friend she wanted to maintain a relationship with and that's not the boy's fault.

You were not unreasonable to say no more screen time and you were not unreasonable to text Ex-SIL, however you could have worded it nicer.

Hi SIL. Please can you let DN know he is not being ignored but DD has used up all her screen time for this weekend. She will drop him a line next week and catch up then.

Short and to the point without being rude.

you should have added a caveat that you thought it was nice he wanted to chat or something...

We exist in a world where many people are sensitive to tone and how things are phrased. Of course, you can continue how you are and get people's back up...or you can hun it up and achieve your goal in an easier way.

I can’t tell if this is sarcastic, or genuine @formerbabe. Would you mind clarifying for me please?

I got a text from one of my daughter's friend's mum one day to say she kept calling and messaging the friend. I apologised to the mum, had a word with my daughter, she apologised to her friend and then we all moved on

Very sensible, and a much better reaction. You also taught your daughter that it's not good manners to keep bothering friends with calls / messages. Something the cousin in the OP hasn't learned since his mother is just excusing his behaviour.

....as for the presents she could guck right off

You weren’t being a dick at all

@BecomeStronger

He's a young child. Yes he needs to learn when to stop but really can no one put themselves in his shoes at being ignored?

I don't think OP would have responded the same way if it was the child of a friend she wanted to maintain a relationship with and that's not the boy's fault.

Yes I would have.

If he feels he's being ignored it's up to ExSIL and exBIL to spot this manage his expectations and actually perhaps realise how much he's called DD - not for me or my DD to deal with.

Not that I did ignore him I replied to his messages

BTW would anyone tell a man to "hun it up" in order to not get people's backs up? I doubt it

Clarify what exactly? @aroseinharlem

The ops tone and bluntness/directness has clearly irritated her sil. You can express the same request in a way which won't irritate. That is a fairly universal type of life skill.

i dont think talking to her cousin should be included in screen time counts

@flaviaritt

Is talking to family really considered ‘screen time’?

Minecraft is playing computer games. Just because it’s with a family member doesn’t mean it’s a cosy chat with someone you know. It’s simply a computer game and I agree with the OP it counts as screen time. It’s not as if it’s FaceTime or Zoom.

@Branleuse

i dont think talking to her cousin should be included in screen time counts

They're not talking they're gaming (well they do talk but it's just about what they're doing on the game at that moment)

Ah I see, as so often in AIBU, you asked for opinions but only wanted those who agreed with you.

Would you really have sent the same message in the same tone to anyone you liked?

Exactly @FestiveChristmasLights it's not like when I Zoom my mum who lives abroad and we natter. Although I do wish she'd want to pay a game sometimes rather than tell me about someone I have never met's irritable bowel and how Susan's (who I've also never met) mum left her dad at the weekend after 43 years of marriage

@GlummyMcGlummerson

BTW would anyone tell a man to "hun it up" in order to not get people's backs up? I doubt it

Actually I teach my teenage ds how to talk to people without winding them up. Especially when if he gets in trouble at school for being rude to a teacher...I explain how he could have phrased the comment to say the same thing in a nicer way

YANBU.

Nephew needs to be told that messaging 23 times is way inappropriate. Especially when he's been told she won't be answering today.

SIL needs to learn to say the word No (even to people who have a penis).

@BecomeStronger

Ah I see, as so often in AIBU, you asked for opinions but only wanted those who agreed with you.

Would you really have sent the same message in the same tone to anyone you liked?

I'm happy to have your opinion but I'd rather it was backed up with logic. Don't you think his parents should've been monitoring him at some point during these 23 attempted phone calls from their messenger profiles?

And yes I would have, I am quite blunt and my friends know this. I might have added I something else like "still on for a walk in the park next week?" but that's because they're my friends, I have no connection to exSIL except that our children are related.