To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

Especially when if he gets in trouble at school for being rude to a teacher...I explain how he could have phrased the comment to say the same thing in a nicer way

I'm not a pupil talking to a teacher though. I'm talking to someone with no connection to me who hasn't been especially supportive over the last couple of years and only got in touch when she wanted something - I'm too long in the tooth to play the "be nice" game with people who don't afford the same courtesy back to me

I’d ask her “how have I been a dick?”

And then block from messenger. If your DD wants to talk, then unblock her as and when.

Actually I teach my teenage ds how to talk to people without winding them up. Especially when if he gets in trouble at school for being rude to a teacher...I explain how he could have phrased the comment to say the same thing in a nicer way

Using the ridiculous phrase “hun it up” which immediately makes me think you sell MLM and stops being able to take anything you say seriously. However, battling that thought, if you are so keen to teach your DS how to talk without winding others up surely that encompasses all communication and you can explain why you wouldn’t first be dealing with your son (if he was the boy in question) harassing someone by calling so many times?

I can understand why your sil feels that way.

You sound really rude to be honest

P, research on screen time very significantly debunks the concept and the idea of classifying all things with screens as “screen time” and measuring things in hours.

OP didn't ask for your opinion what she allows her child to do, did she? It's also irrelevant to the discussion anyway.

I can understand why your sil feels that way.You sound really rude to be honest

SIL's son bombards OP's device with calls and pleading messages, SIL calls OP a dick....and OP is the rude one?
Are you on glue?

I would have let dd have an hour on minecraft with her cousin. It's a nice interaction not just screen time

You sound really rude to be honest

How so?

Because I didn't text starting "Hi hun how are you"?

This is what she said in the last message about the birthday present:

"DS's birthday is coming up, can you make sure that he gets a gift from [my] DD and DS? I'd ask DB [my ex] but you know what he's like it won't happen if it's left to him"

Baring in mind that's the first message I ever got from her since I left exH after he cheated. No how are you message or hope you're ok. Why should I "hun it up" for someone like that?

Sounds a bit dickish to me. They’re only children, it’s not their fault things ended badly between you and ExH.

In the current circumstances I would encourage contact between cousins/friends, wouldn’t consider it screen time. Sounds very upsetting for them both.

The ops tone and bluntness/directness has clearly irritated her sil. You can express the same request in a way which won't irritate. That is a fairly universal type of life skill.

You really did mean it!

The OP being called x23 clearly irritated her. It was x23 from a child, so she did the right thing in approaching the parent about how unreasonable 23 calls is, and allowing the parent the opportunity to educate her child on tech etiquette (he’s at the age, it seems, where they’re just beginning to learn this stuff, so good timing). Why was exSIL allowed to take offence, but OP not allowed to send an inoffensive and banal message?

Why should OP put the mental effort into placating and wrapping a simple message in glittery paper and a shiny bow? Because exSIL might be “sensitive” to “tone”? Why can’t exSIL stop being sensitive and see a simple factual message for what it is?

There’s never a need to offend or be cruel. But the sort of ‘pleasantries” you describe 100% put me off a person: I find them hypocritical, disingenuous, patronizing, insincere. Ultimately, I mistrust the person: what on earth makes you think you’re qualified or required to manage my emotions?!

People can be so peculiar. MN never ceases to amaze me. Love it.

I'd reply:

'Nothing about this exhange has been dickish except that reply. If you'd rather I just blocked, just let me know.'

If you want him to believe didn't hear the calls, isn't trying again the sensible action?

@Waveysnail

I would have let dd have an hour on minecraft with her cousin. It's a nice interaction not just screen time

Like I say, she is at school 5 days a week, then ExH picks them up on Friday at school and has them until Sunday evening EOW. I want to spend time with her too, and she wants to spend time with me. She can see him in person EOW when she's up at ex's, they aren't being deprived of each other's company

@LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb

I can understand why your sil feels that way.You sound really rude to be honest

SIL's son bombards OP's device with calls and pleading messages, SIL calls OP a dick....and OP is the rude one?
Are you on glue?

He's a child and the sil called her that after she had sent the message. If she had phrased it in a more polite way then it would have been an easier more pleasant interaction.

The op is clearly someone who doesn't like extra waffle and is to the point but this doesn't always go down well

You don't sound rude at all. It's on SIL and her husband to monitor their kid while he's playing on the iPad. It shouldn't have got to the stage where he's called you 23 times (and probably would've continued to call).

SIL probably feels called out - but given everything that happened in your relationship with her, she's happy to turn it around on you.

I can imagine that you'd be happier for DN to talk to your DD if it was a zoom call or another way that they could catch up without it being gaming - except it doesn't sound like thats what DN wants. He wants a friend to game with, which is not the same thing and your screen limits are fair.

Honestly, I'd just block her for a while. Don't let her have the satisfaction of thinking she's upset you. Just ignore her. If DD wants to talk to DN I'd let them, but it isn't up to your DD to keep him occupied.

Calling 23 times is ridiculous and harassing. If he's not old enough to understand that, he shouldn't have his own device. She needs to supervise him. He needs to learn that people are not always available and to back off.

Yanbu at all.

Nah..you were fine. Back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I was this age it was common if you turned up on a friend’s doorstep or called them to be turned down exactly like you did by their parents for whatever reason. Usually it was ‘already have plans’ ‘helping around the house’ or ‘has already spent too much time playing/talking today’. You learned real quick what your friend’s house rules were. It was normal and no big deal.

My parents did it, my friend’s parents did it, it was just part of being a kid. Sure there was disappointment but you got over it real quick or were given your own work to do to help you get over it

Parents get to set the rules and don’t have to apologize to other kids for doing so.

If you want him to believe didn't hear the calls, isn't trying again the sensible action?

@BecomeStronger sorry can you rephrase please as I don't understand what you mean?

I think your comment was a little tactless. I'd have said 'Hi Sil, I noticed DN is keen to contact DD today, unfortunately she's not allowed any screen time today so won't be able to play minecraft, maybe they could have a quick chat at X time instead?'

I think your message was very blunt - if her son was really missing DN she's naturally going to feel hurt on his behalf. That said it doesn't warrant the rude reply she sent.

@ARoseInHarlem

There’s never a need to offend or be cruel. But the sort of ‘pleasantries” you describe 100% put me off a person: I find them hypocritical, disingenuous, patronizing, insincere

Yes I absolutely agree, people aren't stupid and I find sugar coating simple things for grown adults very insulting

YANBU.

How rude of her. Id reply, 'Excuse me? Please don't call me a dick. DD has used her screen time up and therefore she won't be replying, to anyone. Perhaps DN can find another friend to call, that's all I'm asking. If you call me a dick again then all contact with DN will be on ExH time as I don't need to accept that from you, it's totally unnecessary.'

@BecomeStronger

Ah I see, as so often in AIBU, you asked for opinions but only wanted those who agreed with you.

Would you really have sent the same message in the same tone to anyone you liked?

Is that you ex sil? Perhaps you should be watching your child so they arnt making many many many calls

@aroseinharlem

It's the difference between saying

Move, please.

And

Excuse me, can I just get through, thanks

Same request, different way of saying it.

Surely that's not a difficult concept?

EOW should be when he interacts with ex’s side of the family - not on your time with her.

I can imagine that you'd be happier for DN to talk to your DD if it was a zoom call or another way that they could catch up without it being gaming - except it doesn't sound like thats what DN wants. He wants a friend to game with, which is not the same thing and your screen limits are fair.

Yes exactly - and TBF DD doesn't want to just Zoom either she wants to game with him as they've built Minecraft worlds together (or something) and that's what they enjoy doing.