To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

Not in sales, I'm teacher and trust me, being blunt and clear is far more effective than "Oh golly, PSHE huh, isn't it great, I'm really happy you're in my class but could you pleasy weasy do your homework on time thank you you're brilliant lol hun

But OP isn't a teacher addressing a naughty school child. If you talked to your friends and family in the same way you talk to a roudy group of teenagers you're going to seriously piss them off!

You are not rude or dickish OP.

Not ignoring, watching him get steadily more upset and then complain to his mother?

OP didn't ignore him, when she saw the messages / calls she replied to him saying DD wasn't having screen time today. He then kept calling, and that's when OP messaged ExSIL.

Even if she did read the reference to 23 times as a bit of a rebuke, her response about being a dick has something of the fishwife about it.

Lucky old you, OP. Stuck with her for an ex-SiL.

@formerbabe

there's loads of ways to phrase and request things to get what you want from someone

it's tailoring your message to the audience in order to achieve your goal.

My relationships with friends and family are not transactional Are you out of your mind?! Who on Earth models their close relationships on good salesmanship??!

As I thought: insincere, disingenuous, hypocritical, patronizing. You can add to that, mercenary and self-centered if the above is to be believed! Do you seek to get what YOU want from all the people in your life? Are you teaching your DS to get what HE wants from his teachers? I think you may have been on too many training courses.

For a moment I thought it was down to good ole British politeness, apologizing for stepping on someone’s foot etc. Turns out it’s something far more sinister!

[quote ARoseInHarlem]@formerbabe

there's loads of ways to phrase and request things to get what you want from someone

it's tailoring your message to the audience in order to achieve your goal.

My relationships with friends and family are not transactional Are you out of your mind?! Who on Earth models their close relationships on good salesmanship??!

As I thought: insincere, disingenuous, hypocritical, patronizing. You can add to that, mercenary and self-centered if the above is to be believed! Do you seek to get what YOU want from all the people in your life? Are you teaching your DS to get what HE wants from his teachers? I think you may have been on too many training courses.

For a moment I thought it was down to good ole British politeness, apologizing for stepping on someone’s foot etc. Turns out it’s something far more sinister![/quote]
I've never been on any training course

Are you really so devoid of emotional intelligence that you bulldoze your way through life interacting with people with no added pleasantries?

If someone called me 23 times I would ignore them on principle. In fact the more they called, the more it would impact my friendship with them.

This child has been given permission to keep calling and calling and calling even though he had been told that OP’s DD wasn’t available, and given he didn’t listen his mother, who should have been aware of this fact anyway, had to be told to stop him calling. It’s bloody rude to keep calling and calling someone when it’s clear they’re not answering.

As for standing in the way of friendship, the DD has an allocated screen time amount, whether people agree with that or not is irrelevant, those are the OP’s rules and that is her prerogative. If the DD had said that she wanted to play mine craft with her cousin then she could have done that during her screen time. It wasn’t just a chat he was after.

Or do people think that people should be at their friends’ beck and call for whenever they want to speak to them? Regardless of the person’s own wishes? What does that teach children about being allowed their own boundaries?

@formerbabe

Not in sales, I'm teacher and trust me, being blunt and clear is far more effective than "Oh golly, PSHE huh, isn't it great, I'm really happy you're in my class but could you pleasy weasy do your homework on time thank you you're brilliant lol hun

Well yes, hence why I said you tailor the message to the audience

So why does exSIL as my audience need a lovey dovey message?

@Butchyrestingface

Even if she did read the reference to 23 times as a bit of a rebuke, her response about being a dick has something of the fishwife about it.

Lucky old you, OP. Stuck with her for an ex-SiL.

One of the many, many joys of divorce and being single (no sarcasm, I'm much happier now) is never having to sit through another family dinner thinking "what a Wanker", not my problem any more

My niece rings lots of times when my DC isn't there (and I don't doubt that it goes the other way too!). I just message my niece and say "hiya, Dc isn't here at the mo, will ring you tomorrow / whenever".

Your message doesn't sound dickish, perhaps she read it as unfriendly though

Her child is harrassing yours. Why is that ok?

Not being a dick especially as you had messaged him back in the midst of all this to say your DD was not having any more screen time so to continue to call was not- taking- no -for- an- answer entitled behaviour.
I wouldn't even reply at all, just leave her response hanging.

I get your reasoning, but I think you could have maybe dealt with it slightly different.

My two often gets inundated with calls and messages when they’re not allowed screen time (I’m the worst mum in the world for having certain restrictions - but every parent has their own rules/doing stuff and it’s not for me to judge until I walk in their shoes).

They are allowed to answer the phone/FaceTime/message and say ‘sorry I’m not allowed screen time’ or I’ve been known (not so much the elder one who would be mortified 🤣) to say ‘hi xx, little BFL can’t come to the phone right now, he’s doing homework. He’ll see you tomorrow/reply next week etc’

I’m hoping it will teach them boundaries, and that you don’t have to be accessibly 24/7, and they can say no themselves, rather than ignore people.

Not dickish at all but I expect she may have been embarrassed at not having realised how many times he'd called. She may have felt you were judging her lax parenting, so her reply may have been defensive.

I would have been tempted to send a pass-agg response like "thank you for understanding xxx [thumbs up emoji]" but that probably won't help.

Are you really so devoid of emotional intelligence that you bulldoze your way through life

Many prolific MN posters are...

23 times? 23?! any sane parent would be really embarrassed and would have a chat with their kid about it. That kid sounds a bit unhinged tbh.

Ex-SIL is a twat. She's looking for a reaction. Say nothing. And step away from this thread, some people here are clearly on a mission to teach women to be subservient and agreeable. God forbid you are direct yet polite to a cunt who only contacts you to demand gifts

Either you didn't see the messages so DN didn't get yours until after he'd sent 23 or you ignored him. If you're trying to get in touch with someone, don't you keep trying until you get a response? It's hardly an inconvenience to you if you haven't seen or heard them.

You're expecting a child to be more emotionally intelligent than you can manage.

Also, you don't care if people think you blunt but object to SiLs response to you.

sil is the one who used inappropriate language, those who say you somehow "caused" that reaction are misguided imo. either stay on the moral high ground and say nothing or how about u reply "wow. so sorry if I offended you. thanks for helping me out with this one. ps would it be ok to ask you (nicely) not to use inappropriate/adult words as dd sometimes has access to my phone? thanks."
I means admittedly u might be being a different real then but stil....if you don't tell her she's out of line then she will never change

If you're trying to get in touch with someone, don't you keep trying until you get a response?

No. Perhaps i'm odd but i'd call and if no response I might leave a message saying give me a ring later. As i've said in a previous post, 23 calls is only acceptable if it's an emergency. No one rings / messages 23 times just for a chat unless they're harrassing you.

I think what you said was absolutely fine op. Sounds to me like SIL was just pissed off that her DS couldn't have what he wanted.

*sorry 4 typo, I meant u might come across as a dick for real if u reply like that!! but she might take it on board. probably not though.

@Bellringer

Her child is harrassing yours. Why is that ok?

He's 7...harrassing is an extreme term to use. He needs to be taught obviously that its not ok, but he probably thinks he needs to just call and call till they pick up.

How was OP or her DD being harassed when they were both apparently unaware he'd been calling? If course an adult would give it a rest after a while but a child?

I agree with Pumpkintopf.

I've been in the constant call situation with family and one of DD teen friends - IME people don't always react well when you put a boundary in place and stick to it.

He needs to be taught obviously that its not ok, but he probably thinks he needs to just call and call till they pick up.

This would have been the perfect time to learn this lesson. Unfortunately the ExSIL doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong.