To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

Actually, I think "screen time" and seeing/chatting with a friend are different things, especially atm. I would have encouraged DD to talk to him even if I didn't allow the Minecraft. Ignoring the boy was unnecessarily unkind imo.

No need for her response but you could have done better too.

Oh and your message was not dickish at all.

@TidyDancer

Yanbu regarding the scenario but 3 hours only on a weekend is very low imo. I think I'd be more lenient at the moment with that. Contact with people you can't see in person is important. There shouldn't be the possibility of 23 calls though, parents should've stopped that.

It's essentially 3 hours of gaming though which I think is very fair at age 8. She doesn't ask for more (usually) and as she is at ex's EOW and at school during the week I'd like to see some of her and spend quality time with her too!

She sounds like a dick herself .

Time to stop letting her annoy you . Best of luck with that one

Ignoring the boy was unnecessarily unkind imo

I didn't ignore him, I didn't see the calls and I replied with a message after I did

I think the only dick here is your sil. It sounds like the sense of entitlement runs strong in that family. . .

Your daughter chose not to spend time with her cousin, her choice.

Nothing wrong with the text.
23 times is ridiculous.

But why couldn't DD have called him back?

I'd have phrased the message differently..

Hi sil, hope you're well...it's lovely the kids are keeping in touch online but DD is having some screen free time now...just letting you know so you can tell DN as he's called 23 times now bless him

@BecomeStronger

But why couldn't DD have called him back?

Because

1. He'd have expected to play Minecraft and her allocated time has been used up
2. Because I'm not going to say "oh here DD your cousin has called excessively, you be the one to sort it out please". She's 8, I'm not going to put her into a position at such a young age of explaining to someone why she doesn't want them imposing on her and her time.

I just can't imagine a situation where a friend was clearly keen to get in touch and you didn't even give them the time of day. They could have had a chat surely?

DD doesn't know he's called so much BTW

people shold read they are gaming not just chatting

my dn dos it with is cusins they all go in the same game and play and chat-theres still got to be a limit

@BecomeStronger

I just can't imagine a situation where a friend was clearly keen to get in touch and you didn't even give them the time of day. They could have had a chat surely?

He wouldn't just want a chat he'd want to play Minecraft (we've been down this road before, he got upset that she couldn't play Minecraft).

And if I didn't have the time to speak to a friend I'd reply a polite message (like I did to DN) and I'd find it weird that theycalled 23 times - so it's not really a comparable situation is it?

@BecomeStronger

I just can't imagine a situation where a friend was clearly keen to get in touch and you didn't even give them the time of day. They could have had a chat surely?

I can't imagine any of my friends calling me 23 times in one day, unless they were in serious trouble. 23 times isn't normal for someone who just wants a chat, it's i'm in serious shit and need help urgently.

Only dick here is your SIL who needs to monitor her son’s screen time herself if he’s able to make 23 unknown calls.

You replied to the child kindly, he wouldn’t take no for an answer, you raised it with his parent. I loathe this perception that if messages aren’t dripping in small talk and emojis they’re not polite.

No you answered perfectly reasonably.

SiL is just annoyed that not everyone is dancing to her golden child's tune

There is nothing wrong with your request but you do sound, from your posts on here, quite abrupt and to the point. You should have dressed up your request with some social niceties

The device he's calling doesn't belong to OP's dd. She's not a teen with her own device so can't send a message saying that she can't play.

OP's dd has chosen how to spend her screen time and if she's not bothered about saving some and inviting cousin then it is up to her.

XSIL is the one being a dick but don't rise to the bait. Ignore her message and consider asking dd next weekend if she wanted to save 30 mins and invite cousin to play Minecraft or whatever they like.

OP, research on screen time very significantly debunks the concept and the idea of classifying all things with screens as “screen time” and measuring things in hours. Instead, research on parenting and childhood for digital times suggests we think about WHAT activity is occurring (instead of whether a screen is present), and a range of broader questions about how the child is in themselves. As PP have raised, not all screen time is the same - speaking to grandparents is not the same as homework is not the same as gaming etc. I’d really encourage you to look into contemporary advice on digital parenting, good resources include Sonia Livingstone’s work on this. Here’s a link from LSE’s Parenting for a Digital Future Project blogs.lse.ac.uk/parenting4digitalfuture/2017/06/08/the-trouble-with-screen-time-rules/

I loathe this perception that if messages aren’t dripping in small talk and emojis they’re not polite

Me too, my DD, with being a girl, is already growing up on a society where she's told to be nice above all else, park her feelings and smile sweetly no matter what. I'm trying my best to teach her that having her own agency is important and that she doesn't always have to be super sweet especially when other people are being unreasonable. I really don't think that grown ups need other people to be OTT nice to get a simple point across

You are being a dick, by negatively impacting the children's friendship.

@Posturesorposes yes I j dear tans this I suppose when I say 3 hours screen time I mean 3 hours gaming - should've worded it differently. TV doesn't fall within the 3 hours, we have watched 2 films as a family together today but that's very different from gaming

No your not in the wrong at all! I would reply saying ‘pardon? Not really sure why the name calling was necessary. I’m sure after the first ten phone calls he got the hint she was busy, I do not expect to have 23 missed
Calls from my ex husbands nephew and to be honest if I was going to be a ‘dick’ I would have asked why you weren’t aware
That your son had called somebody 23 times. I am nothing to do with you,
You wouldn’t call a stranger names so DO NOT do it to me either.’

Cheeky cow. As if she messaged you before telling you to buy him a present. She needs to be in the know about what her child is up to. I would
Block the account so he can’t call you anymore, it was a one off for lockdown and not necessary now

@cdtaylornats

You are being a dick, by negatively impacting the children's friendship.

Why, because I won't allow him unfettered unlimited access to my DD who wants to spend time with me and her brother if he wanted to game with her 12 hours a day and I say no am I a dick then?