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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate ‘living’ with my husband!

142 replies

Rosehip345 · 14/02/2020 02:53

That sounds very dramatic but the truth is he’s away a lot, much more than he’s here. This actually really suits us as although I do love him I really can’t stand him being at home.
How do people live together if your partner is always there?! It drives me crazy when he’s back as I just feel I can’t get anything done.
He went away again for the night on Tuesday which meant I could clean the house top to bottom, felt great. He got back Wednesday and it’s back to a shit hole and I just can’t be bothered sorting it until he goes again as it just feels like such a wasted effort.

Really really would like advice on how to ‘get over it’ as there’s no way we’ll be able to live together if he had to live here full time!

OP posts:
Dita73 · 14/02/2020 03:01

I’m in exactly the same position. I love being on my own. I love him to bits but I also love having the place to myself. When he talks about the future and retirement I’m on the verge of a panic attack as I have no idea how I’ll stand it. Sometimes he’ll call at about 5 to say he’ll be home at 6 when I’ve assumed he was going to be away and I’m crushed! It sounds so bad but it’s the way it’s always been and it’s just what I’m used to. It does worry me though

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 14/02/2020 03:04

That is quite refreshing I thought it was just me! The thought of retirement petrifies me!!

OP posts:
Nomel · 14/02/2020 03:08

I asked my friend once how she knew it was over with her long term love in boyfriend and she said it was when he would come home from work and she wouldn’t want him to. Take from that what you will.

I can’t wait for my partner to come home and miss him if he’s gone. Everyone’s different though.

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 14/02/2020 03:15

I guess it’s how you get used to living though?
I look forward to having him back but after a week I’m very ready for him to leave again. It’d probably be different if he were going out to work or more productive about the house, but it’s very hard to feel motivated to clean/do anything around someone permanently sat in front of the Tv or on his phone.

OP posts:
PapayaCoconut · 14/02/2020 03:26

It’s very hard to feel motivated to clean/do anything around someone permanently sat in front of the Tv or on his phone.

Have you ever spoken to him about stepping up at home? How did that go down?

BlackCatSleeping · 14/02/2020 03:28

Your problem is that he’s lazy and messy. There’s no excuse for that. I think you need to talk to him about him doing more around the house. You’re not a hotel. Its your home. He needs to treat it with more respect.

OutOntheTilez · 14/02/2020 03:29

I’m in the same boat, and I thought it was just me, also. My husband travels a lot and it’s just so much . . . calmer when he’s not here. He always finds something to complain about when he’s home and he lectures the kids constantly.

He's been away but he'll be back in a few days there goes the weekend.

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 14/02/2020 03:31

@PapayaCoconut Yep, always ever so apologetic, does something for a day but then just isn’t aware of it and quite honestly it’s draining having to ask him to do something every time.

OP posts:
soberfabulous · 14/02/2020 03:34

My ideal would be two houses next door to one another. This is a frequent lament amongst my friendship group too. OP you are not alone!

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 14/02/2020 03:35

@OutOntheTilez
Calmer is the right word. I feel I’m waiting for him to go back so we can go back to normal.

OP posts:
1300cakes · 14/02/2020 03:50

I think to an extent it's what you are used to. So in your case, your routine is built around him not being there. If he was there full time for a while, you'd both adjust and it would just be your normal.

isthismylifenow · 14/02/2020 03:55

Yes I totally get this.. My exh worked away a lot and I enjoyed our routine when he was away much more than when he was home. We were like a well oiled machine, then bam when he got home. I now just ended a relationship with my dp and this once again was a factor in it. He is 'off' when not at work, I am thinking maybe your dh is in similar industry. And he is on holiday and i wasn't. Yes ok first few days I can understand he needed to recoup from the previous 5 weeks but I did battle to get my head around it being like that for another 5 weeks There is only so much sleeping and TV watching and recouping a person needs before laziness kicks in. And boredom. Which I think caused the demise of our relationship. Yes, it's a tough one. It's like having 2 lives. One when he's at work and then the other one when he's not.

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 14/02/2020 04:02

Yes exactly. He just comes home in holiday mode whilst our normal life carries on, only harder.
How do you get it to work though? I feel really bad about waiting for him to leave but it’s like everything’s on hold.

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 14/02/2020 04:19

You could worry less about things being tidy. Yes, obviously clean, but does tidy really matter that much Confused

Bowerbird5 · 14/02/2020 04:20

I was like this just before he was due to go back. I too was dreading retirement but it is ok. He is much more relaxed than he used to be.
He doesnt always do things the way I would and he doesn’t tidy up much but he does other things that I find difficult like bring logs in for the fire. It is just give and take as I am sure I do annoy him sometimes.

BillHadersNewWife · 14/02/2020 04:25

I just can't imagine caring SO much about a tidy house that the lack of it would make me not want my DH to be here.

I don't give a shite about the house! I like it when it's tidy...but I don't really care when it's not.

A woman of 90 once said to me "Do you know, my only regret is how much time I spent cleaning."

She went on to say how she'd really been houseproud as a younger woman and spent some time daily, ensuring it was all clean and bright.

At 90 she thought more about all the other things she could have done with that time.

pictish · 14/02/2020 04:34

Everything’s on hold? What are we talking about here...housework?
Housework is ‘everything’ and your husband being there disrupts it?

And you feel you’d never be able to live with him full time because he gets in the way of all this incredibly important...housework?
With the best of intentions I think you need to examine your priorities.

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 14/02/2020 04:34

Yes it bothers me greatly. It’s not just untidy but unclean when he’s there, lots of small things can quickly add up especially when it’s fairly easy to take muddy shoes off at the door, pick up dirty clothes etc. No they may not be major, but if the kids can do it why can’t he?
I’m incredibly active and physically able, but currently heavily pregnant. This is also a major factor for the build up in frustration as I’m more aware than ever how much I do usually.

OP posts:
Celticdawn5 · 14/02/2020 04:37

My dad was in the Merchant Navy and was away for weeks/ months at a time. I could not understand how others coped with having a dad home every day. We had two lives , when he was home it was horrible and we all were very tense. When he was away it was a different life. Much more relaxed. My mother didn’t cope well at all when he took early retirement.
As an adult I can see that it couldn’t have been easy for him to make the adjustment to home life especially as his children were less than pleased to see him and were always keen to know when he was leaving again.

OccasionalNachos · 14/02/2020 04:40

He’s not doing enough, & will clearly need to do more when the baby arrives. Have a proper talk with him ASAP and set out what you need from him. Yes, a grown adult should understand that he needs to participate in running a household - I don’t know why you have put up with this for so long - but you are where you are & need to solve this quickly.

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 14/02/2020 04:41

I do all the ‘male’ jobs too, which doesn’t bother me when he’s not there as I think we’re both capable, usually, but it’d be nice to not be doing tip runs, bringing logs in, doing any heavy lifting etc when he is.
And yes it all goes on hold as I don’t want to nag constantly as it causes arguments so I just wait and do the lot when he goes.

OP posts:
pictish · 14/02/2020 04:44

I agree that he needs to step up to the plate and pitch in. No excuse for not doing so.
But really, your lives together as a family and your relationship as a couple is what it’s all about, not the cleaning schedule.

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 14/02/2020 04:44

@OccasionalNachos That talk has happened waaaaay too many times already, I need to work out how to deal with it and get over it so that doesn’t bother me, I’m not naive enough to think it will ever change.

OP posts:
OccasionalNachos · 14/02/2020 04:47

What would happen if you had pregnancy complications and were admitted to hospital or put on bed rest? What would he do? How old are your other children, who would care for them?

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 14/02/2020 04:51

Depending on where he is either he’d have them or I have close family about.
He’s perfectly capable of looking after the kids but normal life isn’t about surviving a short term disruption of routine.

OP posts:
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