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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate ‘living’ with my husband!

142 replies

Rosehip345 · 14/02/2020 02:53

That sounds very dramatic but the truth is he’s away a lot, much more than he’s here. This actually really suits us as although I do love him I really can’t stand him being at home.
How do people live together if your partner is always there?! It drives me crazy when he’s back as I just feel I can’t get anything done.
He went away again for the night on Tuesday which meant I could clean the house top to bottom, felt great. He got back Wednesday and it’s back to a shit hole and I just can’t be bothered sorting it until he goes again as it just feels like such a wasted effort.

Really really would like advice on how to ‘get over it’ as there’s no way we’ll be able to live together if he had to live here full time!

OP posts:
NeverGuessWho · 14/02/2020 05:08

He sounds like a difficult man to have around, OP. I disagree that your priorities are wrong - he makes your home uncomfortable to live in when he’s there, by being a selfish, lazy arse. Of course he should be taking off muddy boots & picking up dirty clothes at the very least. That’s not you prioritising housework over your relationship. It’s him prioritising being a slob over real life, his wife and his DCs by the sound of it.

How old are your other DCs?

Does he do anything with you & the DCs? Days out? Anything fun? I’d hate it, too.

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 14/02/2020 05:16

Yes always wanting days out and the kids are besotted but this is often because for him this time is holiday mode.
I still need to continue normality of work so it’s hard to come home to more work not less.
I guess I’m just venting, it’s just very frustrating and I would really love to not feel like this. It’d be great to appreciate the time together and be able to not notice the extra workload.

OP posts:
OccasionalNachos · 14/02/2020 05:46

But a partner should enrich your life & make it more enjoyable, not create extra work Sad Can you appreciate him when you’re harbouring this much resentment?

You said talking to him causes arguments / what does he say? Does he think he’s doing enough, or that your standards are too high? Does he think it’s your job& not his? That you’re nagging him?

Will it get worse when you’re on maternity leave?

Ohtherewearethen · 14/02/2020 05:59

You treat your husband like an annoying houseguest whose visits need to be 'got through' and tolerated. Can you imagine how that must feel, being an unwelcome visitor in your own family home?
Of course you've got used to doing things your way, you've had to to keep the house and family running while your husband is away but now you resent him being there so much because you view his presence as a disruption to your routine and family life rather than an enhancement to it. Maybe you ought to explain that you don't like him being there and give him the chance to move on with somebody who does.

curiousierandcouriser · 14/02/2020 05:59

What about simply having a chore chart or something so that he is reminded about what jobs need to be done?

speakout · 14/02/2020 06:08

It would drive me mad havingan OH like thet too OP.

My OH isn't away a lot, but does work long hours.
On his days off or annual leave he will make himself busy around the house- as do I.

So he cooks, will tidy out cupboards, clean out the fridge or freezer, tidy the garage, take stuff to the dump, do any odd repair jobs, empty and fill dishwaher, clean the kitchen.

If he sat playing games or stuck to his phone I wouldn't like it either.

Nofoolfornoone · 14/02/2020 06:14

Why are you settling for him?

Bloke23 · 14/02/2020 06:32

Caused my mum and dad to split, when they got together my old man was in the army, for 23 years my dad was always away, when he left the army he did long distance lorry driving, he would go to work on a monday and wouldnt be back until friday! Once he paid the mortgage off, he got a local driving job, and was home every night at 5, my mum never coped when he was home as she got used to him being away all the time

LorenzoStDubois · 14/02/2020 06:40

Stop doing stuff for him if he won't pick up after himself.
He sounds very lazy and selfish.

YellWat · 14/02/2020 06:44

When my husband is away, I miss him as I have to do all the housework rather than just my half. I also miss him because he is my best friend. I hate him going away, love it when he comes home.
The feeling you're having really doesnt bode well for your long term relationship. Why isn't he pulling his weight?

Ibeingbornawomananddistressed · 14/02/2020 06:46

I totally get this! My ex always worked away/ travelled a lot and once we had kids I spent many a weekend biting my tongue and simmering with resentment over having my routine and house disrupted by him being "home" making mess, expecting me to tidy up after him, playing Disney Dad to the kids and complaining about how tired he was whilst staying up late watching rubbish on TV/ getting up early to take part in whatever his latest expensive fad hobby was. Frankly, life is easier without him, as I was already doing everything around the house/ for kids but now I don't have that extra kid, extra mess or any of his work admin to do!

NearlyGranny · 14/02/2020 06:48

Stop picking up after him. Point out that you can't bend easily atm so, like the kids, he needs to take responsibility for what he drops. If he doesn't step up, grab a broom and push all his dropped stuff into one heap between him and the front door and leave it there to speak for itself.

Yabadee · 14/02/2020 06:49

My DP works away too OP. He comes home around once a month for 2 or 3 days. We obviously don’t see him much, so when he’s home I don’t waste time cleaning, for those few days the house can just be a riot. He’s not a particularly messy or lazy guy, he’s just so big and has so much stuff and our house is so small that it makes the house seem untidy!

He started working like this a few years ago, so I’m used to it now. But I still get excited butterflies knowing he’s coming home, and I still miss him like mad when he’s away. The first night or 2 after he goes back, I can’t sleep in a bed without him. But I get used to it and DD and I get back in our routine.

But while I do miss him and look forward to him coming home, he probably would drive me insane if he came back to working at home (won’t happen, Scottish companies won’t pay for his services as much for some reason!)

Him being away so much wouldn’t work for everyone but it does for us. We’re getting married soon, I can’t wait!

Rezie · 14/02/2020 06:57

You get used to it and find your groove. We were in LDR for a long time and when he left it was a relief cause I would get back to normal and have the things the way I wanted. But when we moved together The holiday mode went away and turned into 'normal' life and after struggling a bit we found our way to not annoy each other.

Seasalted · 14/02/2020 07:02

'Spot on! ' to the poster who suggested, 2 houses next door to each other..... Another one here dreading when dh retires. He hasn't even got an away job! Lol

lottiegarbanzo · 14/02/2020 07:09

He needs to stop treating home as a hotel and you as staff. Is he 'looked after' when away at work?

He needs to develop a domestic mode, instead of holiday mode, when at home.

I think you need to be strict with yourself about not picking up after him. Just push eveything into a heap somewhere out of the way.

Wallywobbles · 14/02/2020 07:11

When DH is at home he does so much extra. Including my jobs. That's the way it should be. Does he know that you'd actually prefer him to be elsewhere ? Honestly I'd split in your shoes.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/02/2020 07:14

So in this case, I think this is about him being a lazy, thoughtless slob, not about him working away per se.

BikeRunSki · 14/02/2020 07:14

This is very common OP. I know a lot of people who work on oil rigs, usually 4 or 6 week on/off rotations. In our 50s now, most of them have been divorced at least once.

Newmetoday · 14/02/2020 07:16

If my husband annoyed me when he was at home, I’d divorce him. No matter how much I loved him. It’s a bad sign. How would you feel if it was the other way round? I’d be devastated.

TwilightPeace · 14/02/2020 07:17

So these men are hardly at home, yet when they are they are lazy and selfish and cause nothing but stress and resentment?
What’s the point? What do they actually bring to your life?

HelgaHere1 · 14/02/2020 07:18

He needs to do the days out on his own. Surely he can spend lots of time doing stuff with the DCs so you get the house to yourself.

Verily1 · 14/02/2020 07:19

This isn’t even a marriage to me.

You don’t want him around- so why are you staying- for the money??

hawaiianturtle · 14/02/2020 07:25

I feel like this about my kids GrinGrin

hannah1992 · 14/02/2020 07:26

My dh worked away mon-fri for 6 years up until about 4 months ago when he changed jobs. I think I'm still adjusting to him being home every night but apart from our food bill being higher I've quite liked it. I enjoyed him being away because I had my own routine and that seems to have gone to the way side a bit but it's been nice having him come home at 6 and be able to eat with us and he baths the kids while I do a quick clean up.