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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate ‘living’ with my husband!

142 replies

Rosehip345 · 14/02/2020 02:53

That sounds very dramatic but the truth is he’s away a lot, much more than he’s here. This actually really suits us as although I do love him I really can’t stand him being at home.
How do people live together if your partner is always there?! It drives me crazy when he’s back as I just feel I can’t get anything done.
He went away again for the night on Tuesday which meant I could clean the house top to bottom, felt great. He got back Wednesday and it’s back to a shit hole and I just can’t be bothered sorting it until he goes again as it just feels like such a wasted effort.

Really really would like advice on how to ‘get over it’ as there’s no way we’ll be able to live together if he had to live here full time!

OP posts:

NameChangeNugget · 14/02/2020 13:20

I wish some younger MNers would read this thread, who try to steamroll their DP’s into moving in after 6 months.

Been with DH and love my alone time, as does he. Never can understand posters who bang on about partners hobbies like they’re the Stasi.

KatharinaRosalie · 14/02/2020 13:29

I wish some younger MNers would read this, who are planning to move in with men who 'simply don't see dirt' and who leave their dirty socks for her to pick up.

oodlemynoodle · 14/02/2020 13:34

I married a soldier who lived in England whilst I stayed home in NI

Divorced him too..

I couldn't cope with his holiday mode attitude when he came home, when I was out working 40+ hours a week with a small baby

Fuck that

Live with my fiancé now. Love it. Absolutely love it and cannot wait for him to come home in the evenings

BlokeTarget · 14/02/2020 18:52

Leave him then if you can’t stand being or living with him?

Sounds like he’d be better off to not being constantly nagged.

You’d be better off as you can just have a nice clean tidy house without your horrible man coming home from work and destroying all your perfection.

Berrymuch · 14/02/2020 18:55

Our marriage broke down as I realised I was a million times happier when he was away with work. Not saying that's the case here, but I empathise. It's really hard getting into a routine, making an effort to keep the house clean and someone comes back, makes a mess, expects you to change everything about your day to suit them and then swans off again. Horrible way to live.

Homebird8 · 14/02/2020 21:15

A few years ago my marriage had nearly reached its end due to DH’s working away and his attitude to the family when he came home. I sat him down and explained that from my perspective I was the happiest single woman out. I had the home, the DCs, all of the salary, and an amicable relationship with the children’s father.

It was a shock but after a few months of starting to see things from my pint of view he chose to resign his job. On the first morning he was home after the job ended we got into the car together to go to the supermarket and found that we didn’t have a single thing to say to each other. We were in effect strangers again.

It took a lot of reconnecting and being supportive of each other, and a new job, and eventually a change of country, but we have found a way back to our marriage and are both very glad we’d got that opportunity. I can’t absolutely see the other path we could have taken. Had he and I (not we, there was no we) not taken the opportunity to make significant change we would have divorced.

billy1966 · 14/02/2020 21:25

@isthismylifenow
Great post and on the mark. Thanks for posting.

As someone whom did have a husband working away, he was very focused on how I was managing with our young children....if he hadn't....I know we definitely wouldn't have survived.

user1470132907 · 14/02/2020 21:31

We live together full time but if money was no object, would have adjoining houses. We cannot for the life of us sleep a full night in the same bed - even a super king - as we both like our own space too much. We’ve been together years and this always been the case, even when we were shagging like rabbits! We’re a fantastic partnership and I’d be with no one else but my wellbeing would be better with my own personal space! The set up we have now with the single marital bed etc is really only from the last 50 years.

HelgaHere1 · 15/02/2020 08:25

I knew someone who's dH did 12 wks on 2 off or 3 off, something like that. She a;ways looked overjoyed to seem him when he came back, she picked him up from the airport, i imagined lots of bribing the DCs so they could get straight to bed.
She managed fine on her own but wanted to make him happy, which I'm sure it did, to be apparently so missed.
Perhaps try some of this first then move onto the discussion about You never getting a break, how much the DCs would like time with him alone, could he cook the evening meal etc
My DH worked away a lot too. But didn't help in the house and was totally work focussed, maybe I should have tried this too.

HelgaHere1 · 15/02/2020 08:25

should be whose no who's

RUOKHon · 15/02/2020 08:51

Leave him then if you can’t stand being or living with him?
Sounds like he’d be better off to not being constantly nagged.
You’d be better off as you can just have a nice clean tidy house without your horrible man coming home from work and destroying all your perfection

I don’t think OP’s problem is that she has impossibly high standards and wants to live in a show home.

The problem is that when her husband comes home, he sits on his arse and does sweet fuck all for weeks on end. While she continues to do everything - plus look after him too. And she’s heavily pregnant. What a Prince among men!

DC3dilemma · 15/02/2020 09:18

I live in an area where this is really common -oil rig workers and fishermen who have weeks away, then weeks at home. Many of them divorce in retirement as they can’t adjust to living together.

I think there is a balance to be found. They tend to work pretty full on when they are away, and the rest period is compensation for that. But from what I’ve seen a lot seem to go into total lazy slob territory, or just all out hedonism (pub every night). I’m sure there are those who don’t...but not seen so much of that!

I think there is a balance to be found. You wouldn’t get them doing a full spring clean every day...but having a small list of jobs that need to be done while home might be reasonable as well as just expecting the normal behaviour of a decent adult human being -if you use something, put it back, tidy up after yourself, if you wear clothes contribute to the washing, if you eat, contribute to the cooking...etc etc. The things we all do for ourselves everyday. Letting them off with all if this just creates lazy man-children and that’s just not attractive...and suddenly expecting that to change around 60-65 when they retire is madness.

SterlingViolet · 15/02/2020 10:12

@Rosehip345
I do all the ‘male’ jobs too, which doesn’t bother me when he’s not there as I think we’re both capable, usually, but it’d be nice to not be doing tip runs, bringing logs in, doing any heavy lifting etc when he is.
And yes it all goes on hold as I don’t want to nag constantly as it causes arguments so I just wait and do the lot when he goes.

Hire a bloke to come round to do the heavy-lifting type jobs while your DH is at home.

You'll get a reaction. Guaranteed.
_

gingersausage · 15/02/2020 10:32

@Angelw for god’s sake, there are no “learning issues” that make men (and it’s only ever men) congenitally incapable of putting their fucking socks in the washing basket or emptying the dishwasher. If you want an armchair diagnosis, it’s “bone idle and selfish”.

@thenightsky I had the same issues when my husband took a job working away. He was made redundant with no warning so basically took the first job he was offered, which didn’t make any mention of overnights. Within a couple of weeks it was one, then two, then M-F away, and it nearly broke us because he would come home and start chucking his weight around. He spent weekends cleaning, food shopping, doing DIY and shouting at the kids. I was working FT too and he felt like he had to come home and “help” but it was just too much and he was so bad-tempered and miserable. We stuck it 6 months and realised our marriage was way more important than the decent wages so he took a pay cut and got a job 10 minutes away.

My dad was in the forces and I know my mum was worried about how they would cope with retirement. She now reckons she sees even less of him than she did before as he took up so many hobbies.

FusionChefGeoff · 15/02/2020 12:52

Sad as it is, you are completely enabling this childish, selfish behaviour and setting a terrible example of how relationships work with your kids.

He is the way he is because you let him be like that.

You are basically asking for ways to adjust / accept your lot in life as being this man's maid and doormat.

Fuck that.

motherheroic · 15/02/2020 13:30

My ideal set up is a 4 bed house, a room each and then a hobby room each. So yeah, I feel this post.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/02/2020 13:40

Get divorced.
You will be so much happier.

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