To hate ‘living’ with my husband!

[Rosehip345]

That sounds very dramatic but the truth is he’s away a lot, much more than he’s here. This actually really suits us as although I do love him I really can’t stand him being at home.
How do people live together if your partner is always there?! It drives me crazy when he’s back as I just feel I can’t get anything done.
He went away again for the night on Tuesday which meant I could clean the house top to bottom, felt great. He got back Wednesday and it’s back to a shit hole and I just can’t be bothered sorting it until he goes again as it just feels like such a wasted effort.

Really really would like advice on how to ‘get over it’ as there’s no way we’ll be able to live together if he had to live here full time!

I think the thing is, the”home” partner, quite rightly, needs to build and maintain their life whilst the “away” partner is not ther. Often, thus lifestyle cannot be put on hold when the away partner is home. Then, the away partner needs time to decompress when they get home; often working away is very intensive, and any r&r time is fairly poor quality. The home partner expects them to hit the ground running, and their expectations diverge massively.

Ex SiLs would get fed up with buying gig tickets that weren’t used/going out by themselves/adding another place setting at the last minute, and DBro not “joining in” the moment he got back from 6 weeks on an African oil rig. DBro sometimes just needed time to himself.

I’ve done both (construction, not oil). I chose home rather than salary. DH faced the sane decision when he was made redundant from a desk based job. Did the away job fir 2 years and hated it. We’re both home based now, works for us.

Alot of men don't see mess and dirt. Alot of men have lower standards. What looks untidy to us, doesn't to them.

Bollocks. Men are just as capable as women at seeing mess and dirt, they simply don't want to deal with it and just leave it all to someone else.

My ex was perfectly able to see what housework needed doing, he'd be constantly telling to do this, or that, while sat on his arse perfecting the art of housework avoidance. He even moved on to dumping chores on the DC so he didn't have to do anything.

OP, your issue is a lazy twat masquerading as a husband. He gets everything done for him while away and thinks he's entitled to the same at home.

He needs to either step up and do his share, or leave. Don't put up with this, it's not you, it's him.

I live with three men ( dh and sons) so I hear you ! Dh used to travel a lot and we got on ok because he wasn't here much and it was calmer.
His retired now so big changes for both of us! However, he has hobbies and a job a few hours a week ( not many but enough to keep him occupied) I work too and we try to do separate things. It's not perfect but we have to make the most of it.
I understand now why couples divorce after 30 years of marriage though especially if they are about 24/7. The key is to do things apart if you can. We've had to change our mindsets.
He will help now with the housework a lot more so that has been an unexpected bonus plus he likes cooking so that pleases me as I'm not keen on cooking anymore!
You have to learn to rub along but it's not easy all the time. Don't dread retirement in the future : it can be alright if just a bit of getting used to and adjusting to a new chapter in life.

I feel I’m waiting for him to go back so we can go back to normal this statement is very telling.

The cleaning routine would not bother me, sounds as if you do too much, but that is your perogative.
I understand about the home being more relaxed when he is not there...Remember the feeling well when my ex left me with 2 young teenagers, out home life felt much more relaxed after he had gone. Nothing to do with less pressure with housework, just more relaxing a homelife without him there.

I would write a list of your leisure time whilst he is away and then when he is home, get him to do his.

Compare the two....

Also it’s not a subject that’s not been broached a million times, I’m aware of what he could/should be doing as a regular. However I have failed to alter his behaviour (longer than a day or two, or without an argument as I’m saying the same thing yet again) which is why I really need to alter my own, I have the power to do that.

You don't have the power to change his behaviour. So if you really want to stay with him the answer is to accept he's a lazy entitled arse who won't lift a finger. The problem is you are quite rightly struggling with that.

As a society, we have accepted wholesale a supposed 'given': that is, that we are supposed to live together when we are in a relationship.

As soon as you question this given, and start acting on what you want - rather than what 'the norm' is - then life offers far more options, and, strangely, becomes a whole lot simpler.

It's all about what you're used to. I live overseas and it's common for people's partners to spend a good deal of time 'travelling'. It is well known that they are very irritating when they come home and mess up everyones routine, I've seen people close to divorce over it. However, when there is a job change and they are living together again, they very quickly get used to it and dread their partner being sent away.

My partner is home from Friday night til Sunday night. We see each other on a Tuesday night for a mutual hobby. I feel this arrangement is perfect. YANBU :D

I can relate to this to some extent. DH doesn't work away, but when he comes home after work he bursts into the house and disrupts the status quo.
It's almost as if he's making a statement: "Behold, here I am, I've arrived home and I now expect everything to stop and to centre around me..."

We had arguments over the fact that he used to expect everyone to drop whatever they were doing to come running to say hello. Kids and I pointed out that we live in a tall, three-story house, so it's not as simple as popping a head round a doorway and besides, people were busy with work (me) and homework (them).
The other thing I find is that DH is just sooooo noisy. He goes around the house switching on radios/music/TVs in every single room then leaves them on, blaring (I'm convinced he's a bit deaf).

It's all about him. He never seems to consider that other people's lives continue when he isn't there!

We talked about buying a holiday house and I realised I was fantasising about living there on my own once the children have left home

It's all about what you're used to. /../ when they are living together again, they very quickly get used to it and dread their partner being sent away.

In OP's case this would mean having a lazy partner doubling her workload at home all the time.

And yes it all goes on hold as I don’t want to nag constantly as it causes arguments so I just wait and do the lot when he goes

Asking someone to pull their weight is not nagging. Silencing you by making it an argument is not you causing an argument its him refusing to pull his weight by a coercive method.

The question is, would your life be easier of more difficult if you were separated? Its one thing if you each like some of your own space, its quite another if one person not only fails to pull their weight but actively makes more work for the other partner. In the latter situation women often find themselves better able to manage without the extra child making things difficult.

I had the opposite of a lazy visitor when DH came home and I think it was worse.

He was only home Friday night to Sunday night, but would be up Saturday morning at the crack of dawn, moving furniture and hoovering - doing a deep clean basically. I felt it implied that me and the DC had sat on our arses and left the house filthy all week and he had to come home merely to clean around us. He also lectured the kids for two days continuously - 'don't sit there, don't drop crumbs, don't put the telly on now, get your shoes on, take your shoes off, don't leave that there, go tidy your room its disgusting... etc.

I remember one Saturday morning I just gave in trying to keep up with him and threw myself on the sofa and shouted 'stop, just stop, you are making everyone miserable'! 8 year old DD said, 'yes daddy you only come home to shout at us'. Even 3 year old DS pushed him away and said 'go back to work daddy, its much nicer without you'.

That shocked him into reality I think and cured him. He cried and said sorry and changed his behaviour from that moment.

The kids are grown up and not here now, and he has a job working from home. I've just retired, but I can't hoover, have the telly on or my mates around as it makes too much noise! He's shouting on the phone now and i'm thinking its time I went out for some peace.

God that was long, sorry

I think if getting on top of the housework is more important to you than getting on top of your DH then you have your priorities wrong.

OP have you ever considered that your DH might have some underlying mental/learning health issues? This is coming from a kind place and is not meant to undermine him or his integrity. I say so because I read into the fact that some people with ADHD syndrome can’t cope with functional and organisational skills such as tidying up, they also have the inability to deal with anything they find stressful, continue on repetitive repulsive behaviours such as leaving clothes on the floor, watching TV all day or on the phone constantly while ignoring other tasks needing sorting etc and generally without the right support are unable to manage with every day activities. The behaviour problems associated with this also causes problems with relationships especially with the closest and dearest as you have the first hand experience.

We have things almost opposite to you OP!

DH works away about 1/3 of the time and I bloody hate it when he’s gone. With him away I have to do all the parenting for both kids, and the house gets messy as I can’t keep on top of it by myself.

When he’s here I get to share the parenting and housework and I get to enjoy his company too. I’d love it if he didn’t have to travel.

Would you still want your space if he was clean & tidy?

I get liking your own space and routine, and I get the annoyance of him being in holiday mode when he's home and not pulling his weight.. but you genuinely don't sound like you are in a relationship or team here. How does he make you happy and improve your life? Other than having a second wage coming in? (I don't mean that in a flippant way, splitting up would fuck up most people's finances)

A point of having a partner is that they make your life easier, more pleasant and enjoyable. If the don't, why have one?

So, you don't really hate living with him, you hate that he doesn't contribute to housework and creates additional mess instead of helping. I'd talk to him and try to explain that it makes me wish he's away more - if that doesn't ring the alarm in his head, nothing will.

Totally agree.

I've done the 'partner away part-time' thing, enjoyed the peace, predictability, smoothness and simplicity of everything; being able to read in bed, not bother about cooking 'proper dinners' and just eating 'nursery food' with DC etc.

But also had to take on all his childcare tasks, so losing my moments of alone time at the weekend, having to cook every day and, I'd get bored and lonely after a while.

Enjoying both couple time and alone time is normal. Each having your own social activities and hobbies is normal. Each doing your own bits of parenting and domestic drudgery is normal.

You could alter your behaviour a bit, by getting on with your own life while he's there, doing your own things while he takes on childcare, as well as doing family things.

But in the end, it sounds like you married a bad egg.

As a previous poster mentioned, the divorce rate for those couples where one partner works away (i am referring to rigs as an example now where they are away for an extended time, then home for an extended time) is very high.

I thought long and hard about this, as I recently ended a relationship in this situation. I have read so many posts on FIFO group about this very same issue. What seemed to stand out was that those couples who have lived this life for a long time seem to be okay with it. Those that are newly married or met recently are the ones that seem to struggle more. So from that i take it that it is something that you just have to accept and get used to.

I did sit down with exDP and ask him how things worked with his ex as he has done FIFO for over 15 years. His response to that said quite a lot to me. I asked him how life was different for her when he was at work compared to when he wasn't. His reply was, he didn't know as he only knew about the part of when he was at home. So I said but surely you must have known what she had on her plate when you were away, to which he said no, not really, but he did help her out when he was at home.

I think this comment stuck with me for a long time before the break up and dare I say that it contributed to the final decision. His focus was on himself getting some down time, as he explained his job is very stressful. I get that, but many people work in stressful environments and don't get 6 weeks to recover from it. But it is what he is used to now, so I cannot see it changing. Not only was it a new relationship, but a long distance new relationship where the contact was primarily just messaging.

But what I took from a lot of the responses as well is that type of job makes one partner especially insecure. There they are stuck in the middle of nowhere, whilst life goes on at home without them. So I think that it generally a difficult industry to have a stable relationship in, for both parties.

Being married to anyone in the forces also has a very high divorce rate and I am convinced it's because they can't deal with the times they are home. I can totally understand this. Although my dh worked away a lot he also used to go back to work once he was back so I didn't have to get used to him being about too much!

Divorce lawyers also say that after the summer holidays and Christmas is a good time for them for new work. A bit depressing really , but I do get it.

The80s I can believe that about the holidays.

I ended it with DP at the end of January after he had 8 weeks of downtime holiday.

I think OP has been given a bit of a hard time on the thread. Its not essentially about keeping a clean house, there is more to it than that.