To hate ‘living’ with my husband!

[Rosehip345]

That sounds very dramatic but the truth is he’s away a lot, much more than he’s here. This actually really suits us as although I do love him I really can’t stand him being at home.
How do people live together if your partner is always there?! It drives me crazy when he’s back as I just feel I can’t get anything done.
He went away again for the night on Tuesday which meant I could clean the house top to bottom, felt great. He got back Wednesday and it’s back to a shit hole and I just can’t be bothered sorting it until he goes again as it just feels like such a wasted effort.

Really really would like advice on how to ‘get over it’ as there’s no way we’ll be able to live together if he had to live here full time!

I understand OP. My H works very long hours, which means I’m mostly on my own when I’m back from work and our young DC are asleep. I potter about doing chores and cooking etc.

If he’s home early (unusual), I find he’s in my way. He’s also very sure that his way is the best way of doing things. It’s irritating. I prefer when he’s at work!

Actually we’re not well suited. I do think back quite often to a time when we were “on a break”. With hindsight, I wish I hadn’t agreed to get back together. We aren’t well suited.

It’s nice (and also a little sore) to read on here about other people’s functional, happy relationships 💐

Another woman wrestling with her own feelings and examining her own behaviour in response to the same issue: husband being a lazy, entitled fuck.

Your priorities are all wrong

Another woman wrestling with her own feelings and examining her own behaviour in response to the same issue: husband being a lazy, entitled fuck.

What she said.
I have twice as much to do when DH is not home, because he does his fair share. Lazying around while a heavily pregnant wife is cleaning around him? And the heavily pregnant wife is not even thinking about why he is not doing anything, but complaining that she does not feel like doing much in this situation..?

There was a good article about it being less about the relatively small job and more about respect, something like 'my wife divorced me over a tea cup'. The premise was that he repeatedly left his cup on the kitchen surface despite the dishwasher being right there. He got marked at his wife's nagging to put the tea cup in the dish washer. The wife began to see it as a little f* you every time she saw this mug left out and it eroded the marriage.
It's your home 100% of the time and he should respect that, and respect you enough to do the little things that he doesn't notice but do bother you. Otherwise he is effectively saying I don't care, about you, your home, your pet peeves. Because at the end of the day (or week) you will follow round after him and pick up his dirty laundry, wipe up his muddy footprints etc. And he doesn't care enough, or respect you enough, to do these things as he goes along and make your life easier and more pleasant!

You have a Disney husband

Yep, always ever so apologetic, does something for a day but then just isn’t aware of it and quite honestly it’s draining having to ask him to do something every time.

Same here - I relish the days he's away (not so many now he's retired) and I can just get on with stuff, and not have to clear up all of his shit (he's a messy bugger), and can actually throw stuff out - he'll not part with anything - sheds and cupboards are groaning under the weight of stuff that he's "keeping for spares" etc.

Do you work OP?

Does he do cooking, school run etc?

I must admit I agree with some other PP, what does he bring to your life? Do you think he would be different if he had a different job and was around all the time?

@Yabadee 2-3days is easy to allow everything to go to riot though, 2-3 weeks not so much.

@BikeRunSki Not great odds then.

Whoever asked is he ‘looked after’ when away, yes, very well, cooked for, cleaned up after, laundry...basically me but probably better without grumbles.
Also it’s not a subject that’s not been broached a million times, I’m aware of what he could/should be doing as a regular. However I have failed to alter his behaviour (longer than a day or two, or without an argument as I’m saying the same thing yet again) which is why I really need to alter my own, I have the power to do that.
And no I don’t want to split up because I love him and when he’s not being a pain or a lazy slob, I do actually like his company.

i asked my friend once how she knew it was over with her long term love in boyfriend and she said it was when he would come home from work and she wouldn’t want him to. Take from that what you will.

This was true for me. My ex worked away and I dreaded him coming home. Leaving him and living alone was the best choice I made. I never looked forward to his calls.

My DH goes through phases of working away a lot. I like having the house to myself for a night, relaxing. But I miss him and can’t wait for him to return. We speak all the time when he’s away.

I’m a sad bastard who’s best part of the day is when we both get in from work and are together. I couldn’t imagine not enjoying him being in the house.

I kind of get what you mean. I get 10x more done when he is gone and manage to fit naps in too😁 But on the other hand I do like him here.

Yeah. Your case is different. Mine doesn't make the house a tip.

@ineedaholidaynow
Yes I do part time and yes he does cook and do school runs on these days

FWIW my husband only works away once or twice a year, but he does stay late in work may once or twice a week. I find this time so much easier. Not because he is particularly messy or lazy but there is just less to do, or at least it seems that way. Whether it's because we work slightly differently or what I don't know but the house stays tidier, ds(2years)seems to follow routine better because daddy doesn't arrive home just as he hits his tiredness curve, or we don't have to wait tea.
I'm much more a do it as you go along kind of person where as dh is a trash everything then have the mammoth task of sorting it all out before going to bed, when you are tired and more tempted to leave the recycling on the side rather than take it out etc.
I think it's not necessarily the sign of a bad relationship to look forward to, or enjoy times when he is away because things are easier as long as you are satisfied with the relationship as a whole. Are yo OP?

Your husband is a lazy man child. You’re afraid to even stand up to him about how bad he is around the house as it causes arguments. This is not a happy relationship. This is why you don’t want to live with him. You’ve dressed it up in your head as you being used to ‘space’ as he is away travelling. I always miss my DH when he is away and can’t wait for him to come back. The difference is he is tidy, affectionate, makes me dinner, runs me baths. If I’m cold he lights the fire. Insists on doing any of the ‘man jobs’ even if I’m more than happy to - and even when he is ill.

I know exactly what you mean op.
My ex used to go to work Monday morning come home Friday night, at the time I thought I didn’t like it but when he stopped I realised just how much more difficult it was.
The house stayed tidy, the kids were better behaved, food lasted longer, utility bills were cheaper. Life was just easier without him being there.
Like I say he’s my ex.

It’s very hard to feel motivated to clean/do anything around someone permanently sat in front of the Tv or on his phone.

are you his cleaner or his partner?

I do think this kind of thing can improve (a partner doing more). My DH wasn't great when we first lived together but he does around half the cleaning now, some of the cooking, some of the school runs, his own laundry and some of the general tidying. More importantly I don't resent him any more. I'm not really sure what changed over the years but reading the 'mental load' cartoon helped him, plus a weekly cleaning rota, set days for cooking and childcare and me stopping doing his laundry. I work part time and he works full time so for us the division feels fair.

I think a lot of women would like to go back to being GF/BF and just have him there for some evenings and weekends and holidays. The daily grind of running a house and family made worse by someone who doesn't care or contribute sucks all the joy out of a marriage.

It's perfectly normal how you are feeling. It doesn't mean your marriage is over, or you don't love him etc all it is, is you have established a routine that works for you while he is away and as he is away more than home your routine is what you do more and are use to.

Alot of men don't see mess and dirt. Alot of men have lower standards. What looks untidy to us, doesn't to them.

My own dh on his days off, you'd think the house had been ransacked. The routine goes out the window. I do really wonder how one person can make so much mess.

I think it's about altering both of your mindsets. He needs to understand that you are never on holiday from being a parent or from doing normal adult things. You meed to accept that he won't do things your way, and that's annoying but your way might not be his way.

My dh has times when he works away. I absolutely love it, but do still miss him and look forward to him coming home. Then he comes home and it takes a good few hours/an evening to get used to him being there.

I would have a really good think about what exactly it is that annoys you so much. If it is stuff like being untidy, tell him. If he comes home swinging his dick like some returning army major and expects gratitude and you all to bow down then it's another thing altogether.

My dh had a period of walking in like billy big balls, telling me how much he had earnt that week, how hard he had worked blah blah blah. It coincided with ds being a tiny baby and we very nearly split up over that and his general attitude. I think sometimes (especially if they work in a male environment, and in our case dh was the boss) it can take a while to adjust mentally from a business environment to a domestic environment. I told dh that the next time he walked in with that attitude he could just fuck off back out of the door. To be fair he didn't really understand what he was doing until I pointed it out.

You need to be brutally honest I found. Tell him exactly what it is that pisses you off. And why and ask him to change.

When DH started working from home I literally hated him for almost a year!! It is fine now but the transition was hard. He used to travel a lot and I also felt annoyed when he was home but it was the transition again.

Of course he doesn’t see the mess @Lipz he is glued to his phone and the tv.

He’s lazy not ‘dirt-blind’

I don't get how those 2 things can exist simultaneously: a partner who pulls his weight and having more to do when he is around.

If i think of a typical evening, we need to pick up kids, help with homework, cook, clean up, take care of the pets, put DC to bed - if I'm alone, I do 100%. If DH is there I do 50%.

OP,
He's really lazy and selfish.
No wonder you want to see the back of him.
He comes back to his heavily pregnant wife and instead of mucking in like a decent husband, he ends up making life harder.

You still love him, sure, but he's not really loveable.
He's a lazy twat who thinks you are the house keeper.
Life only gets busier as children grow.
He's a poor example to them.
Ye are not a team.

I mean this kindly, but you posting here is the beginning of your irritation escalating.

Give it another year, maybe two, and you will hardly be able to stick him coming back.

You'll have been so busy with the children and work on your own, that him coming back and making it harder, will tip you into loathing territory.

My husband travelled a lot at one stage when my children were young, if he had behaved like that it would have been the end of us.

You need to be looking forward to him coming home.
The fact you are not is a huge sign IMO that your marriage is in real trouble.

Ignore that at your peril.
He needs this spelt out to him.

In fact perhaps telling not to come home for a bit might be required, for someone as selfish as him to get the message.

Wishing you well