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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate ‘living’ with my husband!

142 replies

Rosehip345 · 14/02/2020 02:53

That sounds very dramatic but the truth is he’s away a lot, much more than he’s here. This actually really suits us as although I do love him I really can’t stand him being at home.
How do people live together if your partner is always there?! It drives me crazy when he’s back as I just feel I can’t get anything done.
He went away again for the night on Tuesday which meant I could clean the house top to bottom, felt great. He got back Wednesday and it’s back to a shit hole and I just can’t be bothered sorting it until he goes again as it just feels like such a wasted effort.

Really really would like advice on how to ‘get over it’ as there’s no way we’ll be able to live together if he had to live here full time!

OP posts:
ApolloniaVitelliCorleone · 14/02/2020 08:26

My husband rents out flats in our city centre. He has ear marked his favourite one for a possible retirement flat for us ............my favourite one is just on the next block and every time he mentions it I always think my perfect retirement would be for us each to have our own favourite - meet for dinner every night then say goodbye - this day dream goes on for longer each time it’s mentioned.....😀

Yellredder · 14/02/2020 08:26

As much as I love my OH, I would prefer it if we lived separately. It's so much calmer when he's not here! Even my daughter suggested that me and her move into a neighbouring house that's up for sale while he stays here. He's a hoarder and a wind up merchant and as he gets older it's getting worse. Or maybe my tolerance is diminishing as I get older.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2020 08:28

Your marriage would be a whole lot better if you had not been manoevred into the position of housekeeper

LizzieSiddal · 14/02/2020 08:30

“However I have failed to alter his behaviour (longer than a day or two, or without an argument as I’m saying the same thing yet again) which is why I really need to alter my own, I have the power to do that.”

You are correct. If I were you instead of asking him to change and get involved, I’d be giving him an ultimatum - Either get involved in making sure the household runs smoothly OR go and find somewhere else to live.

My dh worked away for 5 years mon- fri. When he came home he did so much around the house plus food shopping and stuff with/for dc. That’s how a caring, loving partner should behave!

KatharinaRosalie · 14/02/2020 08:30

Alot of men don't see mess and dirt.

Oh yes they do. They just think it's somebody else's problem to deal with.

KellyHall · 14/02/2020 08:30

My dh used to be like this until I absolutely reached the end of my tether.

Why don't you get a family planner (a big calendar with different sections for each person) and put all of your different family members work/activities/chores on it? You can split the chores differently when he's at home and there's no confusion about what who is supposed to do when so no opportunity for him to be helpful one day and not the next.

TheReef · 14/02/2020 08:32

My friends fella is in the navy and can be away for months on end, she says she gets into a routine and enjoys being on her own, takes a few weeks of adjusting when he gets home but then is fine, it then takes her a few weeks to adjust to him being away again then is fine again, and on the circle goes.

Caspianberg · 14/02/2020 08:35

This isn't normal. An adult should generally reduce your workload by half as double the hands to help. Not increase one persons workload whilst they get waited on hand and foot.

My Dh works away often, usually just 7-10 days at a time. I'm also pregnant. The day and evening before he leaves he always potters around doing extra before he goes like making sure bins are empty, extra cat food moved up from cellar, hoover run around, bedding clean etc so at least when he leaves I am not doing everything from scratch alone or all the heavy lifting.
When he returns, he does 50% of daily stuff around the house.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 14/02/2020 08:44

I feel the same as you, OP. My DH stays away one night a week for work and it is my favourite time of the week. No snoring, no hogging the TV remote, no coughing, no just being annoying! He does absolutely nothing to help around the house unless I nag him endlessly and is very dirty and untidy. We have our own bathrooms and the deal was that we each clean our own. Does he EVER do his? No! I genuinely hate going in there as it is so dirty with clothes and towels everywhere, shaving foam and toothpaste drips in the sink, etc. etc. ......

LizzieSiddal · 14/02/2020 08:44

The day and evening before he leaves he always potters around doing extra

That’s lovely and what a decent human being does.

As others have said, living with another adult should add to your wellbeing and make your life better, if your partner isn’t doing this- have a serious chat with them.

RandomMess · 14/02/2020 08:45

Basically your DH is lazy and opts our of contributing to every day family life. He does it because you let him/enable it.

The resentment will eventually eat away at you.

Aneley · 14/02/2020 08:53

So, you don't really hate living with him, you hate that he doesn't contribute to housework and creates additional mess instead of helping. I'd talk to him and try to explain that it makes me wish he's away more - if that doesn't ring the alarm in his head, nothing will.

My DH is not great around the house - he will do things if I ask him to, but it really doesn't occur to him that things need doing on his own. However, since we both work full time - it was not really feasible for me to pick up the entire load and the short period I tried to do that led to a lot of resentment and me being very frustrated and unhappy. So, we had a chat. He completely understood and we agreed to hire a cleaner 1-2 week and made a list of his and my chores which he then started following through. It made a huge difference in our marriage.

HuskyloverI · 14/02/2020 08:55

You're no longer in love, are you? Just divorce.

BrimfulofSasha · 14/02/2020 08:56

I love that this is finally getting talked about.

It's such a taboo to admit that you don't want to spend every waking minute with your partner. I love my DH to pieces but we are both very independent people and just seem to get in each others way a lot.

We have made a few changes and it seems to do the trick.

  1. I get down time when DH works away (usually USA so a week or 2 at a time, I deep clean, I binge watch netflix, I go on 'dates' with our 10yo DD)
  2. I'm an early bird he is a night owl, I get up early, wake DD and pack lunches then leave for work, he takes DD to school, Then I do the night time school bits.
  3. we both have our own hobbies, I swim and run and gym and have a book club or eat out with friends. He does whatever he wants (gym, swim, pub) 4)We have seperate bedrooms, I love my calm clean, tidy space, he snores and farts to his heart's content- I go to bed early and read and wake early, he stays up late watching sport and wakes when I leave for work.
  4. we both take one trip a year solo- I need time where I am just me, not mummy, not wife, not colleague.

this all means that time together is quality family time, we do one day trip every weekend the 3 of us, we take a couples holiday each year, we take amazing family trips. I am aware that we are 'lucky' to have the space and finances that allow for this.

The rhetoric that we aren't right for each other if we don't live in each others pocket is a load of bull

Elbeagle · 14/02/2020 09:01

Well mine pulls his weight at home, so I imagine that makes a difference. When he’s away I do everything, when he’s here my workload is halved (at least... he often does more to make up for the times I have to do it all).
If I had a husband like yours I wouldn’t want to live with him either.

Crumpets124 · 14/02/2020 09:05

Lots of women here saying they feel the same - key trend is their husbands are also lazy and dirty and don’t help around the house.

@BrimfulofSasha your situation sounds different - you both just like your own space. This is very different to you having to clean and tidy while your DH plonks himself in front of the TV and ignores you.

BrimfulofSasha · 14/02/2020 09:06

Just RTFT- I think the key to us working is that we are a team. we share the school run, he does his share around the house (he cooks, he cleans, he sorts the garden)
He makes sure nothing needs doing before he goes away.

Obviously he isn't perfect, he leaves cupboard doors open and never seems to be able to turn the dishwasher on, but I have my faults too and it just doesn't become a big deal.

Your OH needs to step up from the sounds of it, he has a partner not a maid!

BrightYellowDaffodil · 14/02/2020 09:09

YANBU - some people just aren’t suited to living with others, I know I’m not.

I felt smothered and stifled when I lived with someone, much as I did love him. Well, at the beginning anyway - towards the end of the relationship and he came home from a trip away scattering the contents of his suitcase across the house, trailed various sections of the weekend papers far and wide and left a trail of detritus in the kitchen, I wanted to kill him Grin

KatharinaRosalie · 14/02/2020 09:12

Brim that's a totally different situation and not what OP is complaining about. I don't spend every waking moment with my DH, we have our own hobbies and friends and travel separately sometimes too.
But he does not make my life harder by being at home, creating extra mess and chores.

Justaboy · 14/02/2020 09:14

And I thought that "Absence made the heart grow fonder"?..

't aint so then?, and on Valentines day as well;(

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/02/2020 09:17

I had one XP who worked away and I hated him coming home. He'd rock up, drop his bag of dirty washing and then go off to play with the kids before spending the entire rest of his 'downtime' in front of the TV. It was like a huge teenager pitching up and expecting food! I dumped him.

Then I remarried, and my next XP, I hated him going away! I missed him like mad (although I enjoyed the freedom of the bed and TV) and was always hugely glad to see him again when he came back. He eventually left me and I was devastated.

Take from this what you will.

bsc · 14/02/2020 09:18

Well @Justaboy she likes him more when he's away...

Damntheman · 14/02/2020 09:22

I don't feel the way you do OP but I don't think the way you feel is particularly unusual or worrisome :) Some people just function better living apart. I've noticed a lot of articles lately about couples choosing to live in seperate houses yet still being together. Seems to work out for them! Might be something consider for retirement ;)

Ellisandra · 14/02/2020 09:24

Your marriage is so bad that you don’t want to live with him, but you’re having another baby.

This isn’t caused by him working away - her be the same lazy, selfish man full time. You just happen to get some respite from it now.

Do whatever you’d do if you were facing this full time - insist on counselling, split up with him...

KatharinaRosalie · 14/02/2020 09:24

't aint so then?

Not if your dear partner is a lazy inconsiderate slob, no.

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