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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my husband text me?

145 replies

kathldn · 03/12/2019 17:48

My husband and I live in London and I am 4 months pregnant.

I am currently learning to drive and for my lessons I go down to my parents house which is an hour away from London. I go down on a Tuesday and return home on a Thursday/Friday and I do this weekly.

As soon as I leave my husband is out every single night drinking and getting extremely drunk. I dont mind him doing this however my only request is for him to text me when hes home. He doesn't.

This is where the problem lies. Ive asked him several times to message me when he's home so I know he's safe and he completely disregards me every single time and doesn't bother texting me.

I feel like he is completely disrespecting what im asking of him. Im carrying his child and would like to know my husband is home safely, especially giving the fact we live in London. I have told him how i feel and it appears to make no difference.

Am i being unreasonable to ask this of him?

TIA.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 03/12/2019 17:49

I think expecting a grown adult to text when they’re home is a bit much to be honest.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 03/12/2019 17:49

The lack of text isn't the issue, the extreme drinking is.

theWarOnPeace · 03/12/2019 17:50

He doesn’t care, you’ve made it clear and he doesn’t bother. So there’s that.

Why are you away half the week for driving lessons? That is the strange part of your OP

theWarOnPeace · 03/12/2019 17:51

And what Howls said, too! How old are you both? Going to parents for driving lessons and binge drinking just because you can is not ‘normal’ in my book.

PawPawNoodle · 03/12/2019 17:52

You are, he's a grown man with his own agency and doesn't have to text you if he doesn't want to. While I don't necessarily agree with what he's doing, he doesn't deserve to be infantalised by his wife regardless of how pregnant she is.

And the fact that you live in London is utter nonsense, and you know it.

PurpleFrames · 03/12/2019 17:52

I think it's reasonable to ask for that reassurance but obviously his drinking is getting in the way of it. I think that's a bigger problem to address before baby is born than lack of texting tbh.

Lulufluff · 03/12/2019 17:53

Honestly I’ve had the same trouble with my DP, however he DOES now text when he gets in as I was so adamant about getting one.
It’s just nice knowing they are home safe and sound and not in trouble and as a fellow pregnant lady we are extra sensitive about it!

You should only have to tell him once though, doesn’t take a minute to type out a message it’s not a big ask!

gamerchick · 03/12/2019 17:53

You can't hold the reins at home if you're not there. He's an adult, you don't have to keep tabs on him.

You should be more worried about how his extreme drinking is going to affect you when your baby comes.

SlightlyStaleCocoPops · 03/12/2019 17:55

...the texting is what you're worried about?!

PurpleDaisies · 03/12/2019 17:56

You should only have to tell him once though, doesn’t take a minute to type out a message it’s not a big ask!

Demanding a text like that is pretty controlling. When he comes in makes no difference to the op-she’s not there.

ffswhatnext · 03/12/2019 17:58

Even if he text you there's no saying he's at home. So why bother?

Original poster
kathldn · 03/12/2019 17:59

Yes. the texting is what I am worried about. He is a 36 year old man with an exceptionally high pressured career. he does not drink to extreme lengths when I am around. He just enjoys a drink and I have no issue with this. My issue is that I have asked him to reassure me when he is home and he is ignoring what I have asked of him.

I go to my parents for driving lessons as I like my instructor and started my lessons before moving to London. I also enjoy going home 3 nights a week as I love being in the countryside. This is not a permanent arrangement, and will stop once I have passed my test in a few weeks. (Hopefully.)

OP posts:
PianoTuner567 · 03/12/2019 18:00

I don’t see the point, surely you’re asleep when the text comes in? Plus how do you know he’s actually home and not just saying he is? I would resent having to do this, he’s not a child.

Perhaps you could ask to activate Find Friends or whatever on your phones so you can see when he’s home and he doesn’t have to remember to text?

You don’t sound like a very close couple, you’re away half the week and he’s out on the piss.

PurpleDaisies · 03/12/2019 18:00

My issue is that I have asked him to reassure me when he is home and he is ignoring what I have asked of him.

You need to work on your own anxiety.

Longfacenow · 03/12/2019 18:01

It is normal to want to your know partner is safe.

It isn't healthy for a relationship for a couple to deal with conflict by ignoring the other, whether you and he agree on the texts and the drinking is irrelevant to this. Every couple needs a template of how do we deal with differences in opinions and needs so we both feel safe, valued and loved. I'm quoting the Gottmans!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/12/2019 18:01

So every week you spend 2 or 3 unnecessary nights away from home and you expect him to text you when he is in?
Yabu also do you work, is this arrangement going to continue if you haven't passed your test when baby arrives.

Butchyrestingface · 03/12/2019 18:03

If he’s that drunk, texting you to let you know he’s home (alone?) should be of no comfort. He could just as easily come a cropper in the home as outside in that state of inebriation.

Butchyrestingface · 03/12/2019 18:06

You need to work on your own anxiety.

I’m not remotely anxious and even I would start to feel the tendrils of fear grasping me at the thought of a drunken twat husband weaving his way home and being alone in the house in a state of total ratarsedness.

Bizarre set up all round.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 03/12/2019 18:09

what would you prefer? That he sends you a text at 10pm and carry on his night?

it's very weird to keep tab on another adult like that.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 03/12/2019 18:09

Can you compromise and have him text you in the morning?

BreatheAndFocus · 03/12/2019 18:11

Maybe he’s drinking because he’s miserable/pissed off at his wife being away 3 nights a week?

I love the countryside and my parents live there, but I wouldn’t dream of acting like you are. It comes across as not being very invested in the marriage. It’s almost like you’re living separate lives.

So, normally I’d say it was rude of him not to text, but for me, that’s pales beside you choosing to be away from him 3 nights a week.

Outsomnia · 03/12/2019 18:12

If you are not there and the doesn't text or phone you, how do you know he is drunk?

Maybe I am missing something.

Scrumptiousbears · 03/12/2019 18:14

He's extremely drunk he is never going to remember. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
kathldn · 03/12/2019 18:14

@BreatheAndFocus I go home on a Tuesday evening for a driving lesson Wednesday day time. I then go home either Thursday morning or Friday morning depending on what Im doing as I see my dad who lives here who has terminal cancer.

If I wasn't invested in my marriage I would not be carrying this mans child.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 03/12/2019 18:15

especially giving the fact we live in London

What’s that supposed to mean? Do you have anxiety? It’s still pretty safe in London you know.

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