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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my husband text me?

145 replies

kathldn · 03/12/2019 17:48

My husband and I live in London and I am 4 months pregnant.

I am currently learning to drive and for my lessons I go down to my parents house which is an hour away from London. I go down on a Tuesday and return home on a Thursday/Friday and I do this weekly.

As soon as I leave my husband is out every single night drinking and getting extremely drunk. I dont mind him doing this however my only request is for him to text me when hes home. He doesn't.

This is where the problem lies. Ive asked him several times to message me when he's home so I know he's safe and he completely disregards me every single time and doesn't bother texting me.

I feel like he is completely disrespecting what im asking of him. Im carrying his child and would like to know my husband is home safely, especially giving the fact we live in London. I have told him how i feel and it appears to make no difference.

Am i being unreasonable to ask this of him?

TIA.

OP posts:
cosima1 · 03/12/2019 18:18

Why do you have to go away for driving lessons OP?

thepeopleversuswork · 03/12/2019 18:19

Honestly I think you’ve got this arse about face: the fact that he doesn’t text wouldn’t bother me and I think adults having to tell other adults they are home safe is a bit daft. The fact that he is getting “extremely drunk” would worry me far more than his failure to send or respond to texts.

How is he going to behave when the baby arrives? Presumably you won’t be thrilled about having someone around who gets extremely drunk 2-3 weeknights? What makes you think this is going to change?

HollowTalk · 03/12/2019 18:20

I think it's more weird that he acts like someone who's escaped from prison as soon as you are out of the way.

Batshittery · 03/12/2019 18:21

It's only an hour away. I don't really see why you need to be away for so long. I can understand wanting to see your DF but it seems extreme for a one hour driving lesson.
YABU asking him to text you every evening

thepeopleversuswork · 03/12/2019 18:21

Hollowtalk exactly

Batshittery · 03/12/2019 18:22

I'm also wondering how you know he is extremely drunk when you're not even there and obviously haven't spoken to him?

cosima1 · 03/12/2019 18:23

Well what is actually wrong with him do you think? It’s not freshers week.

Autumnfresh · 03/12/2019 18:24

You might want to think about learning to drive in the town you intend driving in. It will be a massive shock actually driving on London roads otherwise.

Original poster
kathldn · 03/12/2019 18:28

@cosima1 I don't think theres anything wrong with him in particular. Im not fussed if he goes out when im around or he doesn't. He works long hours and often doesn't get home until gone 8pm so I can understand why when I leave he wants to go out and see his friends, as when I am home we are often out and about going for dinner/date nights/ spending time together, and we enjoy spending time together so when im not around he uses the opportunity to see his friends, which is great for him. Like i have said my issue is I'd like to know he's home safely.

OP posts:
Original poster
kathldn · 03/12/2019 18:29

@Autumnfresh we are moving to where I am learning to drive in 3 weeks.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 03/12/2019 18:30

The texting is irrelevant as you’re not there anyway - he could just text ‘home now, heading to bed’ and head to the bar for another round.

I think you might be in for a bit of a hard time - no one who is ready to be a responsible parent should be drinking like that, stressful career or not.

I used to drink a lot when I was young, but a good 2/3 years before kids my DH and I had stopped the excesses. It’s a natural progression and I think you should be concerned.

Countryescape · 03/12/2019 18:34

Why are you worried about a text and not worried about him being an alcoholic???? At 36 that is not normal or reasonable behaviour. I don’t care how high pressured his job is. Actually that’s even more reason not to drink to excess. I’m studying full time, have three kids, we’re moving house and my husband is changing jobs. So stressed so I might as well go out and get shit faced? WTAF!!

MrsMaiselsMuff · 03/12/2019 18:36

When did you move to London?

This doesn't make sense.

PurpleDaisies · 03/12/2019 18:39

Looking at your other thread, the text is the least of your problems.

user1493494961 · 03/12/2019 18:39

If he doesn't go out drinking when you're home and you're moving in three weeks, this all seems a bit irrelevant.

Ellisandra · 03/12/2019 18:41

All a bit incestuous for me, you’re pregnant by your son by the sounds of it. Stop acting like his mother!

YABU to ask for a text every night.
HISBU not to explain politely why he doesn’t want to (because you’re not his mother...)

You’re married to a man who drinks to excess to handle this work pressure?

No, you’re just married to an alcoholic, fancy job or no.

Good luck to you Sad

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/12/2019 18:44

I think it's OK if it puts your mind at rest.

Oysterbabe · 03/12/2019 18:45

I'd be annoyed if my partner demanded I had to check in like a child.

Merryoldgoat · 03/12/2019 18:45

I’m sorry OP but this thread is the important one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3719792-Do-i-love-my-husband-anymore-3-months-pregnant

You’re lying to us on here - you plainly state in the other thread how awful he is and that he DOES drink when you’re there.

No one will be able to help you if you lie, it’s a waste of everyone’s time.

category12 · 03/12/2019 18:45

Have him text you in the morning.

There's no point expecting him to text you drunk late at night. It has no safety implications, because you won't know if he hasn't texted because he's dead in a ditch, fucking someone else or just forgot. You're not going to be able to make a difference to the outcome to any of those.

So just relax. Expect a good morning text. Chill out.

argueifnecessary · 03/12/2019 18:46

Totally totally YANBU. All my friends have that agreement with their partners. Once you arrive, you let the other half know. Especially if they have to drive/go out drinking
However, what is with all the drinking? Sounds unhealthy, do you think he will stop once you stop going to your parents?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/12/2019 18:46

I find it very hard to understand why you are so bothered about the texting but totally unphased by what sounds like dangerous levels of drinking in a man who is soon to become a father.

WorraLiberty · 03/12/2019 18:47

Fucking hell, that thread! Shock

Please don't say he made you sign a prenup?

Sorry OP but you're flogging a dead horse with this man, married or not.

PurpleDaisies · 03/12/2019 18:47

He has a stressful job however he comes home absolutely wasted 3-4 nights a week, without telling me he's going out. he just says he's working late and then rolls in whenever he feels like it stinking of alcohol.

This is you on your other thread. Is the fact that you’re now away for those 3/4 days a coincidence?

drivingtofrance · 03/12/2019 18:47

Well, he shouldn't have to text you to let you know he is home safely.

He should text you to keep in touch though.