Should my husband text me?

[kathldn]

My husband and I live in London and I am 4 months pregnant.

I am currently learning to drive and for my lessons I go down to my parents house which is an hour away from London. I go down on a Tuesday and return home on a Thursday/Friday and I do this weekly.

As soon as I leave my husband is out every single night drinking and getting extremely drunk. I dont mind him doing this however my only request is for him to text me when hes home. He doesn't.

This is where the problem lies. Ive asked him several times to message me when he's home so I know he's safe and he completely disregards me every single time and doesn't bother texting me.

I feel like he is completely disrespecting what im asking of him. Im carrying his child and would like to know my husband is home safely, especially giving the fact we live in London. I have told him how i feel and it appears to make no difference.

Am i being unreasonable to ask this of him?

TIA.

@kathldn, I just read @GoldLeafTree summary. This sounds horrific, your husband needs to see a substance abuse councillor as he clearly has a alcohol problem.

The fact that he does not help out around the house or think of you when he is out or call you. Are red flags, you need to leave him, there is no way you should allow someone like him near a child.

He clearly has relationship ideas from the 1950s, do you think you would cope having to look after him and the baby, work and doing everything else.

Get out...do not allow him to sweet talk you back and pretend to change. He will just stray and keep treating you like a possession

Ok. So you’re in denial about your relationship. You can’t be helped until you accept it’s an unhealthy mess.

Crack on. Another poor child born into chaos with a feckless parent to be tied to forever.

A simple yes or no won’t be helpful to you. The whole relationship is seen in a different context when you read your other thread. This isn’t about a text message, this is about your whole relationship. However for you it is easier to focus on one issue not the whole picture. People are trying to help, I think in time you will be ready to listen.

" I have asked a simple question and am having to explain my life story to the internet for a simple yes or no question."

but it's not simple... is it?

it's clearly way more complicated than just a simple 'yes or no'

My parents always ask me to text them when I get home safe after driving home from seeing them. I always forget. This is while sober, so get a couple of drinks down me and I'd never remember.

You want him to text you, and think it's disrespectful of him not to. I don't think it's entirely normal for you to go away for multiple nights every week to be honest.

It doesn't sound like a very adult relationship.

OP no-one is attacking you, even though it may feel as if they are.

We can all see very clearly what you at the moment can't or won't, which is that the text or lack of the text is a massive red herring, which you are using to distract yourself from the real problem, which is that you are pregnant by an alcoholic who does not love or respect you.

We want you to focus on this because its very clear both from this post and from your previous one that this is making you unhappy. You have a chance to make a clean break from this awful man before your baby arrives. As someone who was married to and had a child with an alcoholic I have played the same avoidance and denial tricks you are playing and I know the script. Trust me, you need to get out now. It's not going to be easy, but its by far the best solution for you and your unborn child.

You want him to text you, and think it's disrespectful of him not to.

Why? It’s not an adult child relationship.

I get it. I'm sorry.

Well good luck whatever you decide, I hope the move goes well and that you pass your driving test.

Things may be different when you've moved and are settled. I hope so.

I'm dumbfounded by all the people saying that a grown adult doesn't need to text when they're home. That OP is a "controlling person." For fuck's sake.

No, adults don't need to report on their whereabouts whenever asked.

But a grown person in an adult relationship needs to be able have a conversation with their partner about expectations and behavior in that relationship.

DH doesn't want to text? Fine. He needs to sit down and explain why to OP and what else they can do to help her feel secure and him feel free to live his life. Not ignore his wife with no explanation.

And then the drinking. Weekly multi-day benders should not be considered normal or healthy. Poor OP is even saying she doesn't mind the nights out, just wants a bloody goodnight text from her husband.

I'm not sure why so many posters feel like this is some outrageous ask and that OP is unbelievably needy. She's four months pregnant, spending nights away from home with her terminally ill father for heaven's sake.

And her husband can't summon the strength to type "home" once every 24 hours or at least have a conversation with her about it.

Honestly.

Some highlights from OP’s other thread, for those posters (@Benk ) suggesting OP has been “swanning off” and ignoring her poor, sensitive husband while he bravely struggles to deal with her absence:

“5 months down the line and my husband has only just told his parents were married, and was still referring to me at work as his 'girlfriend' until the other day when I practically had to force him to buy a wedding ring to symbolise our marriage. I have had a ring for a while now...he spent 15 pounds on one in argos.”

“we are yet to tell his family were expecting a baby, and im really in two minds as to whether or not im happy being pregnant with his child anymore.”

“he is incredibly wealthy and behaves like it. He has previously turned around to me in the past and told me im not entitled to an opinion within our relationship because i dont have as much money as him.”

“He has a stressful job however he comes home absolutely wasted 3-4 nights a week, without telling me he's going out. he just says he's working late and then rolls in whenever he feels like it stinking of alcohol.”

"I obviously wouldn't have married him if he had treated me like this before."

OP, this man doesn’t love you in the way the person you’re married to should love you. You’re in your twenties. You have the rest of your life. It’s okay to have made a mistake. Save your own life and get out of there.

The only way to have a baby with an alcoholic is to split up from them and strictly govern their access. Before you do that I suggest you spend a couple of months recording his drinking with receipts/ bank statements etc if you can, you’ll be so glad you have this if it comes to court.

Op honestly who cares if he sends you a text or not. After reading your other thread I am horrified for you. The way he is treating you is disgusting. There are MUCH bigger issues going on in your marriage than the texting. Focus on them.

Learning to drive and moving beside your parents is a fantastic idea. You will be independent(driving) and your parents will be close by and able to help out with the baby when your marriage ends.

Best of luck with the little one.

I’m sorry that your father is poorly and I appreciate that you prefer to take your driving lessons near your parents’ place, but... you are pregnant with your partner and you choose to spend half the week at your parents’ home!
Your previous posts are frightening. No wonder you spend half the week away from your partner yet you expect your partner to join you?
I’m lost .

OP, as a simple answer to your question about texts, YANBU.

However, I suspect that you have too much on your mind currently to see the reality of your relationship.

Concentrate on your pregnancy, your dad, and your driving. I suspect you’ll suddenly realise one day that you’re in a relationship with an alcoholic who doesn’t love you as much as he should. What you decide to do at that point is up to you.

Good luck

I have a feeling. Well 2 feelings actually

1. The op is a beard

2 the op is loooong gone

@cerios156, I think the problem here is context. I was reading the initial thread and not all of the other associated threads which this thread is now bring in. On reading the initial thread it sounded like she was being overly sensitive and he was being immature.

However on getting more context, you would have seen a later post saying she should leave him. He clearly does not think of her as his wife or seem to even know what that means.

She clearly loves him, but that is not enough for a successful relationship. Both parties must treat each other with respect, he is not.

So the only option is to leave him and get support from her friends and family. His parents clearly are not stepping in to give him a wake up call.

While it will be hard, it is better that she look after her mental health so she can be there for the baby. She needs to talk with a lawyer ASAP about divorce stating his drinking and concerns about his behaviour as he could be a danger to her and the baby

Haven't RTFT, but I can see both sides. I would like to know DH was home safe in your position, but he is a grown man and he can choose not too (especially if he is too drunk to remember).

It may have been suggested, but do you have iphones? I am sure there is something on android similar, but DH and I have 'find my' on our iphones and are linked, so either of us can click on it and locate the other. If you have an app or something like that, you can check he is home and have the reassurance even if he is too drunk to remember to text.

OP hasn't posted on this thread for nearly 24 hours. The fact that she started a new thread about this trivial issue after one that received an almost universal response suggesting her very new marriage was a disaster and her DH was a wrong un suggests to me that she's desperate to ignore the huge problems in her marriage.

I feel very sorry for her but I think we're wasting our time replying to this thread.

She got his age wrong on this thread 🤔

Prawn the OP name changed on the thread and last posted at 21.29 last night