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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my husband text me?

145 replies

kathldn · 03/12/2019 17:48

My husband and I live in London and I am 4 months pregnant.

I am currently learning to drive and for my lessons I go down to my parents house which is an hour away from London. I go down on a Tuesday and return home on a Thursday/Friday and I do this weekly.

As soon as I leave my husband is out every single night drinking and getting extremely drunk. I dont mind him doing this however my only request is for him to text me when hes home. He doesn't.

This is where the problem lies. Ive asked him several times to message me when he's home so I know he's safe and he completely disregards me every single time and doesn't bother texting me.

I feel like he is completely disrespecting what im asking of him. Im carrying his child and would like to know my husband is home safely, especially giving the fact we live in London. I have told him how i feel and it appears to make no difference.

Am i being unreasonable to ask this of him?

TIA.

OP posts:
Mattelio · 03/12/2019 19:14

Oh OP after reading the other updates and the other thread I really feel for you.

YANBU to want a text when he gets home, but YABU to expect him to change.

He sounds like an awful man from what you've said on your other thread. You've said he says you dont deserve an opinion because you dont have as much money as him. You also said you're away 3 days a week, do you work? Are you able to support yourself?

You're only 27, you can really truly start again. If he has a high pressured career I assume he earns a lot, and you would be entitled to maintenance for your child when its born.

Good luck with everything. Dont let him grind you down, you're married and you're having his child - you're entitled to financial help from him if you split.

Auradal · 03/12/2019 19:15

I read your other thread. The texting issue is the least of your worries.
I don't really understand why you seem to making out everything is fine on this thread apart from the fact he doesn't text on nights out after he has been drinking.
You started the other thread on the 17th October so have all the other issues on the thread been solved since then, leaving only this minor problem about not texting? Or do you not want a load of mumsnetters telling you to LTB asap.

The texting issue.... I had an ex like this. I'd be waiting at home and he'd never message to say that he was going to be out all night. I find this very disrespectful when someone is potentially waiting at home, expecting someone home at 6 pm and they don't show until midnight and then turn up legless. But I wouldn't expect a text if I was away somewhere or he was away somewhere and he went out drinking - if you're not at home it's not affecting you directly whether he comes in at 8 pm or at 4 am.

BUT that said, it sounds like your DH, just like my ex, has a serious drinking problem and the lack of texting is just one of the many symptoms of that.

You don't trust him. You were asking in october if you love him or not. He didn't even tell anyone you were married for quite a while.
He has a serious alcohol problem - I've already mentioned that but it needs saying more often...

You need to get rid of this man. Go and move in with your parents for a while to have some breathing time and time to think. Spend more time with your DF. When someone is terminally ill, every moment is precious and your focus should be on your Dad and not on this pathetic manchild who is vile to you anyway.

TheMidasTouch · 03/12/2019 19:16

I wouldn't want my partner to text me because I insisted he did so, I'd want him to text me becasue he wanted to.

Zofloramummy · 03/12/2019 19:16

Oh dear, I’ve read both of your threads and honestly he sounds like a nightmare. You maybe trying to put a positive spin on things but he does not have your back. At all.

I predict once the baby arrives you will be living close to mum and dad and virtually a single parent as he keeps spending nights in town due to work, commute, seeing friends (add excuse here).

You need to think to yourself what you want out of this relationship.

TheMidasTouch · 03/12/2019 19:17

*because not becasue.

Aarghhelpplease · 03/12/2019 19:17

Why don’t you get find my friends app on your phone then you can check and put your mind at ease. If he’s that drunk he probably goes straight to sleep.

Auradal · 03/12/2019 19:17

BTW, I hope I didn't come across as implying you weren't spending enough time with your DF. It's just my Dad died unexpectedly this year and I am very upset to think that the last few months of his life were spent with him trying to support me through a horrible break up with alcoholic ex and with me just crying and moaning on about my fucking vile ex. And now Dad's not here any more.

HollowTalk · 03/12/2019 19:19

That other thread is a real eye-opener.

You have a lot of decisions to make, OP, and the texts are the least of your problems, but probably signify the fact he can't be arsed to even send a text when you've pleaded with him to do so.

Clafairymon · 03/12/2019 19:27

I would find this annoying and would probably keep 'forgetting' if my DP insisted for me to text him I was home when he wasn't even there.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 03/12/2019 19:28

So you are pregnant, have been seriously ill, and your dad has a terminal illness. Added to that, you are probably stressed about your upcoming driving test and his response to your anxiety is to get pissed the moment you have left the house? Although it sounds like he was doing that before, when you were at home as well. A text doesn't seem like much to ask in the circumstances, or a quick call if he can't type.
He is incredibly dismissive of you and it sounds like you will be a single parent anyway, even if you stay with him. He doesn't see you as a life partner, you are there to provide him with a heir and to run his household.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this at what should be such a happy, exciting time. I wouldn't be rushing into any decisions in your position, but I would be quietly gathering documents and making sure that I had a backup plan. Don't be too surprised if there is a reason why he has to stay in London all week and you have to move alone.

Jodie77 · 03/12/2019 19:32

I would not be staying in that relationship, whether he bothered text me or not.

I'm sorry that your husband is disrespectful and an alcoholic. Please concentrate on the people who love, want and need you, such as your ill dad and soon a baby.

incognitomum · 03/12/2019 19:32

Bloody hell read the other thread. Right Prince charming you've got there love!

Bluerussian · 03/12/2019 19:32

It looks as though you don't even have a job, op. Not a very fulfilling life for you, you still have five months to go before you have your baby and most people are working up until seven or eight months.

I would object to a thirty six year old man going out and getting plastered so frequently - I'm aware that in some jobs that is part of the culture but people burn out after a while.

The whole set up seems quite odd. I'll have to read the other thread mentioned on previous page.

Derbee · 03/12/2019 19:34

It looks as though you don't even have a job, op. Not a very fulfilling life for you

How fucking rude @Bluerussian you have no idea what the OP does in her life.

Benk · 03/12/2019 19:37

@kathldn, I had to read and re-read your question and the context a couple of times. As there sounds like their is a bit of subtext.

First you are away 3 nights a week for driving lessons, that sounds strange. Normally the driving instructor would supply the car, on reading your replies it appears the arrangement is really for you to go to the countryside for 3 days a week to hang out with your parents. How long has this been going on?

It is not unreasonable to ask someone to call to let you know they got home safely. Especially as you have explained it is for peace of mind.

The real concern however is that your husband feels the need to go and get extremely drunk. You say he has a high stresses job but does not drink that much when you are there!

He is a grown man about to have a child and his wife is only spending time with him on the weekends. I hope you do not have a list of tasks he needs to complete every weekend.

So between you Swanning off midweek for 3 days, coming home and maybd telling him to do tasks or what your parents said etc etc, do you think he is getting any down time just to enjoy the pregnancy with you and coming to terms of being a new dad or are you taking this away from him?

While it is extreme reaction, going out drinking once in a while and getting the last hurra in before the baby comes, may be immature but not unreasonable if there is not other outlet being allowed!

However remember the fundamentals, men experience love and caring through actions, doing things together and not words.

The reality is that you are deliberately spending time away from him and while it is immature he would most likely see this as a rejection of him, rather than a validation that you trust him

You need to communicate, just the act of taking him aside to sit down and talk with the clear intend not to argue, control him or tell him off and listen could resolve the situation. Ask him why he feels the need to go and get hammer, while you are away?
*Does he think it is a free pass?
*Are his mates peer pressuring him? Is he unable to tell them no?

  • Does he feel once the baby cones he will be unable to go out and have a drink with mates?
  • is he scared about the baby coming?
  • have you completely changed how you are treating him, now you are pregnant?
  • are you scared about the change in life and not seeing or listening to him?
  • does he feel like he has to support you and the baby and it is all on his shoulders?
  • is he pissed off or feeling rejected because you are swanning off 3 nights a week?

Have that discussion rather than focusing on him texting you. Understand the reason for the behaviour rather than prescribing a solution

kathlldn · 03/12/2019 19:38

@derbee Im a registered dietitian and work for from home. hence my flexibility.

Sorry for not responding, ive just had to log into my mumsnet through google!

Derbee · 03/12/2019 19:39

@kathldn you don’t have to justify yourself to me!!

I was saying that @Bluerussian was bloody rude

Benk · 03/12/2019 19:41

I read some other comments that said your husband has other behaviour issues. This may explain your reasons for going away for 3 days a week.

You really need to try and have a discussion with him. If this does not work, think long and hard.

Do you really want your child to grow up in a household with a man carrying on like this? is this even a good role model.

spanglydangly · 03/12/2019 19:42

OP get out of the relationship now! You've not been in it that long based on your other thread, so just bail.

He sounds like an utter nightmare.

SallyWD · 03/12/2019 19:48

I'd be very concerned about having a child with a man who's getting blind drunk several nights a week. Doesn't he work? Probably too drink to text.

1Morewineplease · 03/12/2019 19:48

Crikey!
You insist that he texts you when he gets home so that you know that he’s safe after a drunken night. Why is he out getting bladdered while you’re away?
Does he tell you to text him?
Why on Earth are you staying at your parents’ house for three days a week ? Take local driving lessons near your home, then you can keep an eye !

This is a very unusual arrangement for a married couple who are expecting a baby.

You say you love the countryside and appreciate that these visits will have to stop when baby arrives... sounds like you’ll resent not being in the country , with your parents once baby arrives.

The fact that a couple, expecting their first born, are voluntarily spending half the week apart , with one parent getting sloshed is very alarming.

Think you both need to rethink your priorities.

OrangeZog · 03/12/2019 19:49

If I were you, I’d give up on wanting a text or returning home after your driving lesson. I’d stay and enjoy what time you have left with your dad and prepare for life as a single mother. It’ll be better than continuing this marriage.

TheBouquets · 03/12/2019 19:49

You ABU in thinking that it is acceptable for an expectant father to be out drinking himself stupid 2 or 3 nights a week. Will this be acceptable to you when the baby is born or when he/she is 5, 10, 15 etc?

egontoste · 03/12/2019 20:01

He obviously couldn't care less about you. Go home to your parents and stay there.

Delbelleber · 03/12/2019 20:05

Yanbu